All the Ways to Here

by Emily O'Beirne

  “I thought you knew it was happening,” he says. “After Cup weekend.”

  “How the hell would I know that? You were acting all fine, but you were sleeping in different rooms. You weren’t in Tasmania.”

  They exchange looks.

  Finn rolls her eyes. For two such smart people, they can be so stupid, thinking they’re being stealth when they are so unbelievably not being. “I know you were then. Then this time you weren’t, but you were acting all normal, and then you just go off again to Tasmania like everything’s the same.” She glares at him. “I mean, what’s confusing about that? Stupid me.”

  “Hey, hey.” Anita starts to run her hand up and down Finn’s back, the way she would when Finn couldn’t sleep when she was little. “Calm down, honey.”

  “I am calm.” Finn pulls her knees to her chest and hugs them. “Okay, well, no, I’m not. I just didn’t know what you were going to tell me, that’s all.” She draws in a deep breath, trying to stop this embarrassing flow of tears. They won’t let up, though. Not yet. Her voice comes out quiet. “I was scared because I didn’t know.”

  “Oh, Finn.” Her mother pulls her closer and presses a kiss into the side of her head. “I’m sorry things have been so uncertain.”

  “Me too.” Her dad’s leaned in all close to the screen, looking sad. “I’m sorry. And I’m sorry I didn’t just say it just now.”

  Finn sniffs and looks between the two of them. “So are you two are going to be okay?”

  “We’re going to be okay,” Anita says.

  They look at each other for a moment and smile.

  If Finn wasn’t caught in a riptide of relieved tears right now, she’d tell them they’re gross.

  “Good.” She gets up and leaves them there. “I’m going to bed.”

  ~ ~ ~

  Finn kicks her socked feet up against the wall and presses the phone to her ear. “I kind of unleashed the brat on them,” she tells Willa. “But I couldn’t help it. I was just so mad. It was like he was telling me he was planning on going fishing for the weekend.” She shakes her head. “I still don’t get why they thought I knew.”

  “You know what it reminds me of?” Willa says.

  “What?”

  “When my dad left. He told me was leaving, but he didn’t really say it, and Nan had to tell me all over again later before I figured it out. It’s like he just assumed I understood what he was not saying, or something. I thought your parents would be better at that stuff than my dad, though.”

  “Apparently not.”

  “Poor Finn.”

  Finn wriggles her toes and sighs. “Do you sometimes feel like playing the game at camp was easier than life is?”

  “Definitely. We knew the rules at camp.”

  “And I think I’d rather deal with that douchebag Drew than face the school captain thing tomorrow.”

  Willa snickers. “I’d forgotten about Drew.”

  “Okay, so I might have acted a bit crazy, but I’m so happy Dad’s coming home.” Finn curls her arm around Banjo and rests her cheek against his head. He licks her wrist and flops back into snooze mode. “I can’t wait to just sit around and eat toast and talk about nothing, instead of our time together having to be so special because it’s the only time we’ve got. I just want to hang. That’s what we do.” Finn bites down on her lip. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “For saying stuff like that after what happened with you and your dad.”

  “Don’t worry. It’s not like it was much better before this.” Willa says. She’s quiet for a moment, though, and Finn wishes she was with her so she could read her face. Finally, she speaks again. “Nan says maybe I need to try harder. With Dad.”

  “What do you think?”

  She sighs into the phone. “I don’t know. I know I’m happy for you, though.”

  Finn pouts at the ceiling. “Why aren’t you here on this bed with me right now?”

  “Because I’d much rather be squashed into a bottom bunk under my snoring little sister than cuddled up with you. Obviously.”

  “Of course you would.”

  CHAPTER 67

  Finn

  At the start of fourth period, her teacher passes her a note telling her to go to the principal’s office at the end of class. Finn chest tightens as she stares at the slip of paper. Well, at least she knows for sure she’s in the top two now. It’s got to be captain or vice.

  Luckily, they’re watching a film, so she just fixes her eyes to the screen and lets her thoughts race until the bell goes.

  Zehra’s already there when she arrives at the principal’s office. She’s standing, hands clasped behind her in front of the principal’s desk.

  Finn’s only ever been in the principal’s office a few times, and it’s the same as it’s been since the first time: a fiesta of brown. Carpet, desk, paintings, books. Then there are the plants on every available surface. The desk, the shelves, the floor. A green trailing thing drapes from the curtain rail and over the window, cluttering the light. She wonders how much time Mr Burgess has to run the school between watering sessions.

  “Ah, Ms Harlow, come on in.” He beckons her through the door with his creepy, long fingers.

  Finn edges in, giving Zehra a diffident smile. Mr Granger’s in the corner, legs crossed, staring at the back of his hands like there’s something fascinating there. He looks up to raise an eyebrow at her and smiles as if to say, “look at us in the principal’s office”.

  She manages a small smile back, then turns to Mr Burgess, her hands clenched by her side.

  He takes a tissue out of his sleeve and swipes at his nose, then sits back in his chair and appraises the two of them. “This is the first time we have had Year 11 students in this role,” he says. “And I trust you understand what an enormous responsibility it is.”

  Finn nods. She can see Zehra doing the same in her periphery.

  “Okay, so we wanted to let you know before we announce it to the rest of the school. After a long and lively discussion with some key faculty last night, we’ve decided that for next year, Zehra will be senior school captain, and, Finn, you will be vice captain.”

  The world stills for a moment and then starts again. Finn hears Zehra let out a sharp breath next to her. This is happening.

  She forces herself to turn and smile and say, as lightly as she can, “Congratulations.”

  “Th-thanks.” And Zehra looks so shocked and excited that Finn can’t help feeling flickers of happiness for her, even as her own stomach turns in slow, sickening circles. It’s not like Zehra hasn’t worked for it too. Maybe she even wanted it more too.

  Mr Burgess folds his arms on the desk and leans forward, tissue still clutched in his hand. “Finn, I want to thank you for your hard work this year. And I certainly don’t want you to see this as any kind of demotion. Both of you girls have contributed so much to the school over the last few years, and it is simply a rewarding of hard work of both of you. For you to both have your turns, as it were. We’re simply very fortunate in having two such hardworking, strong leaders among us. It will be a privilege to have you both run student affairs.”

  Finn’s cheeks burn as she nods. “Of course. Thank you for the opportunity,” she says politely. She turns back to Zehra, pushes out another smile, holds out a hand, and says, “I promise I will be as amazing a vice captain for you as you were for me.” And she means it.

  Zehra smiles, her eyes still wide with the shock. “Thanks.”

  “Now, that’s what I like to see.” Burgess stands, smiling beatifically, as if he orchestrated this moment. “We’ll be making the announcement at the end of lunchtime. I’m sure you two will be wanting to enjoy your lunch.” He picks up his mobile phone from his desk. “Now just let me take a photo of you for our social media. With your student advisor, of course.” He waves them into the corner. “Under the window, perhaps. Beside my Devil’s Ivy. That would be lovely.”

  Finn follows the principal’s stag
e directions in a zombie shuffle, standing in the jungle of greenery next to Zehra. After a couple of misfires, finally he gets the photo he wants and sits again, busying himself with his phone.

  “Thank you, girls,” he mutters, one alien finger hovering over the screen.

  Dismissed, apparently.

  Mr Granger gives Zehra a grin as he moves for the door. “Congratulations, Zehra. I’m looking forward to you keeping me on my toes next year.” His hand lands on Finn’s shoulder as he passes, squeezing it hard.

  That’s when Finn throat constricts. “Hey, congratulations again,” she tells Zehra, and hurries away, sliding through crowds of kids sitting in the covered passageway outside the office.

  Dan’s at the seats, waiting for her. She lowers herself down next to him, and clutches the edges of the hard wooden seat.

  “So?” he says, his burger halfway to his mouth. “Don’t keep me in suspense.”

  She draws in a slow breath, wishing she hadn’t shown him the note after English. Then she could have had some time alone with this. Then she wouldn’t have to say it out loud. “Zehra’s captain next year. I’m vice.”

  “Oh.” He puts his burger back down. “I’m sorry.”

  His soft tone pushes her to an edge she knows she can no longer come back from. “Th-that’s okay,” she stutters. She lets out a resigned breath. “Right, I’m just going to cry for a minute, okay?”

  “Um, okay,” he says, lowering his head as if she’s suggested they pray.

  “And then I’m going to be over it,” she says with a hard nod. “Then I’m going to be big.”

  Dan doesn’t say anything else. Just hands her the serviette that came with his burger and lets her sniffle for a bit. And when she can’t bear her own stupid, ego-bruised misery any more, she blows her nose and shakes the feelings loose.

  “Okay, I’m over it,” she says, sitting up straighter. “I mean, fuck it. Not many people get to say they were vice captain of their school. It’s not like it’s a bad thing.”

  “And I get to call you veep now.” He grins and leans into her for a moment. “But seriously, are you okay?”

  Finn examines the feelings. “I think so. It’s just the ego bruise more than anything. Burgess says it’s not a demotion, but it still kind of sounds like one.” She wipes her face and kicks her heels against the grass. “But, anyway, it’s not so bad, maybe. I get time to do things now. I’m going to join the Greens this summer. I’m going to paint more. I’m going to help at the centre. I’m going to do all kinds of stuff.” She smiles a little, because the more she thinks about it, the more she’s not just telling herself this to make herself feel better. The more these things have a glitter of potential on them.

  “Of course you will. Dude, you don’t need to be boss to be boss. You’ll do it anyway. That’s the glorious thing about you, Harlow.”

  “Thanks.” She tucks a hand through his elbow. Dan’s a smart-ass a lot of the time, but he’s also pretty fantastic at the whole cheerleader-best friend thing.

  “Here to help.” He picks up his burger.

  She takes a deep breath and thinks of having her afternoons free to paint and study. And to spend time with Willa.

  Willa. Finn wishes she was here right now. Because what she really wants is for her girlfriend to smother the last shred of disappointment for her. To do it with arms wrapped so tight that Finn can’t feel anything else. She pulls out her phone.

  Can you meet me in the park after school?

  Of course.

  And with those two words, Finn knows that Willa knows she didn’t get school captain. Because she didn’t ask. And somehow Willa knows Finn wants her to be there with her when she says the words. Needs the comfort to be her presence. And she loves that Willa knows that and does that.

  Now Finn just has to get through the next couple of hours, and the announcement, and she gets to have that comfort.

  ~ ~ ~

  When the final bell goes, she heads for the tram stop, but at the last minute, she just can’t help herself and turns and strides to his office.

  He looks up from the mess of his desk and gives her a weary smile. “Harlow. I’m glad you came.”

  Hands thrust deep in her pockets, she asks the question that hasn’t left her brain since lunchtime. “If I hadn’t told you about Zehra and Speech Night, would I have got it?”

  He folds his arms and leans back in his chair, each movement feeling like it takes an eternity. Finally, he nods. “I might have fought harder for you if you hadn’t. But you know what?”

  “What?”

  “I think you were telling me something more, even if you think you weren’t.”

  Finn sighs. Examining what he might mean by that will have to wait until later. “Do you think I’ve been slacking off?”

  “Honestly?” He stares at her. “Not at all. I think you have had priorities, and you’ve made decisions based on them. This is a good lesson to learn, Finn. An important one.” He smiles up at her. “But don’t worry. No one would ever accuse you of being a slacker.”

  All she can do is nod, because for some reason, hearing that make her want to cry again.

  “Look,” he says, “no one in that meeting thought for a moment that you didn’t deserve it after everything you’d done this year. It was just a matter of whether Zehra deserved a shot as much. And I did tell them about what you said about Speech Night. And maybe that information pushed her across the line.”

  “Okay.”

  “But you know what else, Finn?”

  “What?”

  “At the end of the day, you don’t need this as much as Zehra does. That’s not the reason why she got it, but it’s a reason to feel okay about not getting it.”

  She nods slowly and stares at the ground, waiting for the hurt. It doesn’t come. “You know, except for the ego bit, I’m okay with it. I really am.”

  “Of course you are. You can handle this and so much more. When you’re done with all this school stuff, you’re going to hit the world with full force, no matter what.” He smiles at her. “I’m quite looking forward to the moment of impact, actually.”

  “Thanks, I think.”

  “Well, I can’t thank you.” He gives her a grin.

  “Why not?”

  “Because now I’ve got to put up with Zehra nagging me all year.”

  “Good.” She looks between him and Ms Lehrer, who’s at her desk, politely pretending not to listen.

  “By the way,” Finn says. “A tip before Zehra starts coming in here a lot. If you want to stay on the down low, you should consider not bringing the same lunches.”

  Both their heads snap up. They look at their lunch boxes and then each other.

  Granger tips his head back and laughs. “Boom.”

  Finn grins and makes a run for it.

  Outside in the sunshine, she does a little shimmy, trying to shake it all off, to leave this defeat behind her. But then, as she crosses the yard, she spots Zehra, in a congratulatory huddle with some of her friends, including Hana and Zaki, and her steps slow again.

  Okay, it’s probably going to take a little longer.

  CHAPTER 68

  Willa

  Willa’s sauntering out of the school gates, already feeling the promise of the weekend, when she hears her name being called. She quickens her steps, worried that it’s Miss Cassavetes, trying to hunt her down for another last-minute meeting.

  “Hey Brookes! Get those hot legs over here!”

  Okay, so not Miss Cassavetes.

  Willa turns, frowning, but it turns instantly to a smile.

  It’s Amira, of course. She’s slouched with Eva on a bench under the elm tree, their school dresses pulled up so their thighs catch the sun.

  Hi!” Eva squints up at Willa. “What are you doing this weekend?”

  “Not sure yet.” Willa still hasn’t got used to the idea of being able to make plans.

  “We’re thinking of going to see Romeo and Juliet on Saturday night fo
r English,” Eva says. “Maybe get some food before. You want to join?”

  “It’s come to this,” Amira says. “You geeks have me doing homework on the weekend.”

  “You love it,” Eva teases. She turns to Willa. “So, what do you think?”

  “Sure. I might ask Finn too, if that’s okay? Her school’s studying it as well.”

  “Cool. I’ll message you.”

  “And Willa,” Amira says. “Do us a favour and get Facebook? I don’t expect to you to stretch to Insta and or Snap, but make our life planning a little bit easier, would you? All this texting and actual talking on the phone. It’s a lot to ask of a person.”

  “Nope.” Willa grins. “Not even for you, Mir.”

  “You suck.”

  “I know. See you.” She walks away, feeling light and airy. There is something pretty great about having friends at school.

  Willa doesn’t go home straight away. Because she doesn’t have to. It’s nice knowing she can take her time and that Riley and Jack will be okay. She can even go out at night now. Even if she didn’t want to, Nan would make her. She’s practically been forcing Willa out of the house on the weekends. Probably to make up for all the time she was stuck there. But also because Nan loves running her territory again.

  When the bus drops her off, she crosses the road and goes into a small café opposite the park. It’s nearly empty, like it might be about to close, but the waiter smiles her welcome, so Willa sits. She orders an iced tea and pulls a piece of paper and a pen out of her bag. It’s time.

  When the cold glass is clutched in her hand, she stares at the blank sheet and gnaws at her lip. This is harder than homework. Harder than writing those story responses. But Willa promised herself she’d do it, so she will. She’s going to create a thread, however fine and however loose, between them.

  She picks up the pen and hunches over the page. Then she writes her dad a letter. Not a letter full of feelings. Not even one addressing what has passed between them. Just an opening of communication. A thank you for the money for her new laptop. Life news. Simple things, like Jack’s coming soccer final and Riley’s part in the school play. How Nan’s first apricots got eaten by parrots. Little bits of life’s mundane. News that will render a normalcy between them. Because maybe all they need first is to form a habit.