Without Scars

by Jones, Ayla

  “But you and Dad have given us so much. You have expectations. And you’re still paying off Leeward. I want to make sure you don’t regret believing in me. And I just feel like…at any moment…Hillington’s going to realize I’m….shit…I’ll just fail again.”

  “We all fail.” She sat and sighed, the anger leaving her. “Kid, I only care that you get up afterward. And you did after Mauser…but now I’m really worried about you getting trapped in this cycle of fear over it. Are you thinking about giving it all up? I’ll support your decision but… I was never surprised that you wanted to be a writer, you know. You always took to people, like you would breathe and bleed for them if you had to. I think that’s what you did when someone gave you a pen and paper. Put all their pain and triumphs right there. You understood it. Maybe a little too well…”

  “Well, I love something I might be terrible at. I don’t know how to work through that.”

  “Do you really think every time I’ve walked into a courtroom or a deposition I’ve known what I was doing? And why haven’t you said anything?”

  “You have the girls to worry about and like I said, I didn’t want you to think you’d made a mistake supporting me in this.”

  “Kid, if you think from the minute I wake up until I go to sleep at night I’m not worried sick to the point of insanity over you, then you’re insane. I’ve just developed one hell of a poker face. I know I raised three amazing children. That doesn’t mean I expect you to have the world figured out just because you’re an adult. I don’t expect you to be perfect, either. But you should expect that I will always have faith in you, Charles Madden Dara.” Fuck. She was awesome. “So, all these things you’ve been feeling led to your breakup?”

  “Yeah, and she was right to break up with me. She was right about everything. I messed up with her…” I chose self-destruction over Nikki. I chose drugs over her. I’d been so caught up in the thought of being a pussy that when the time came to really be vulnerable with the person I loved and let her see me that way, I became exactly what I was running from.

  CUT TO: The ex-boyfriend who has SHUT OUT his girlfriend twice now. He REALIZES he’s just written a whole new script. He DECIDES to call it “How to Fuck Up.”

  “Messed up with myself too.”

  “You know what parenting is really about? A lot of hoping that your kids don’t fuck up, but accepting that they might, and then praying you taught them how to get through it. How to have accountability, and finding a way to fix what you can and making amends where you can. I hope your dad and I did that. We really, really tried. You think you can work it out with Nikki?”

  “Nope.” I wasn’t entirely sure, but it was better to err on the side of caution. I couldn’t wipe from my memory the look on Nikki’s face when we were back in Samira’s yard that day of the party. I’d broken up a great thing, and I just hoped to God I hadn’t broken her, too.

  “Well, Charlie, she knows you’re my son and she knows we’re going to talk about her, and she’s still here. As much as it hurts you, you aren’t demanding that I don’t talk to her. You’re both still invested. That’s worth something, kid. If you’re in love with Nikki, do what you can there, but make sure you fix what’s ailing you first. That’s most important.” She squeezed my shoulder. “So, you want to move back with the boys? Or get another place?”

  “I think I’m gonna get another place. It’s just a pain in the ass right now because a lot of people are trying to sign leases before rent goes up in the summer. A lot of one-bedrooms where I’d like to live are gone. I’ll suck it up and just get what comes up next…”

  “Tell you what. I’ll clear out the condo, so you can go live there for a bit. Pay rent to Dad and me,” she offered.

  I accepted.

  Over the next few days the withdrawal got worse. So bad I actually called Elliott, got in the car to go meet him, and then changed my mind on the way. Anxiety and depression were fighting over me. It was like being in a smoke-filled room, reaching the window, and being unable to get it open. Some days I didn’t give a fuck about the window at all. Interestingly, writing seemed to be the only thing that helped. I did it aimlessly at first, especially when Mauser’s words, which I was starting to understand were also mine, crowded my head. I wrote those down, too, until they were the only things I was writing. I got it all out and finally had a breakthrough and rewrote the entire final script for How to Fuck up a Friendship. All I wanted to do when I was done was call Nikki and tell her, but I doubted she wanted to hear from me.

  I got to a point where I should’ve been sleeping like death without amphetamines, but the withdrawal from Nikki came next. There was no getting past her. She was in my bloodstream in a way even alcohol couldn’t wash out.

  It was my sisters who eventually drove me from the house. I was so fucking tired of them turning my life into a goddamn romance novel, so I hit up Ghost to find out where the catch-up dinner was. Then I made my way to Kyushu, a Japanese ramen house we visited a lot. Brody, Shaw, Deacon, and Ghost were seated at the bar, and Brody patted the empty stool next to him. A pretty bartender was clearing up their bowls and beers, and she paused to smile at me when we made eye contact. I pulled my gaze away as my phone chimed.

  Fallon: Lose my number

  Me: Okay…

  The text went through but it switched over to SMS, which meant she happened to be in a bad service area right then, or she had turned her phone off after she texted me. But I needed to either pay her for the weed, which I really didn’t want to do, or give it back to her, since I hopefully wouldn’t be using amphetamines anymore.

  “He lives…” Ghost said, raising his arms in the air when I looked up. He tilted forward until I rushed over, gripped his shoulders, and pushed him back upright.

  “Whoa…” Shaw said, laughing.

  “Damn,” Brody said, “don’t know if Ghost could’ve gone on with life if he’d cracked his pretty face.”

  None of them had even attempted to catch him. “You guys are so fucking dumb.” I was laughing as I plopped down between Ghost and Brody.

  Deacon gave me an uncertain look—maybe an apology—and then said, “I guess the team only works well when you’re here, dude.”

  The irony of sadness was that you never wanted to be around your friends, but you always felt better the minute you were. My sudden good mood didn’t mean I’d stopped thinking about Nikki, though. It only meant talking, food, and music were almost distracting. She would always be my three A.M. sleeplessness and my ten P.M. melancholy.

  Man, fuck this heartbreak shit.

  Lauren the bartender came out of the kitchen and slid a menu my way. Our hands brushed. Her green eyes bore into mine as we both laughed awkwardly. She tucked her dark hair behind her ear and bit her lip. “Let me know when you’re ready to order.” Damn, were there ever bartenders who weren’t so fucking hot? I got the chicken curry ramen when she came back, and the two of us quickly struck up a conversation. I asked her if she’d ever considered acting or modeling because she was stunning. It wasn’t a pickup line, but she looked exactly like what I’d envisioned for one of the supporting roles in Traitor.

  “You guys were awesome tonight. Thank you.” Lauren counted out a stack of bills and stuffed them into her bra once she closed us out. “So...walk me out?” she asked me, touching the top of my hand. “I’ve got an awesome movie collection, day-old Chinese food, and roommates who won’t be back until tomorrow night.”

  It was a tempting offer, and I could almost hear my friends’ mental urging. I debated them in my head. “You’re beautiful, Lauren,” I said as she stepped out from around the bar, “but I really can’t. Get home safe, okay?”

  “Can’t say it doesn’t hurt, Charlie. I’ll call you about the audition, though. Have a good night.” She waved as a bouncer walked her out.

  “Um…wow. Maybe you really can’t close,” Deacon said, but his tone was far more cordial than usual, so I didn’t take offense. Plus, I’d punched him, which
was way worse.

  “I didn’t want to lead her on. Too old for that shit.”

  “Not every chick is looking for a ring, Charles.”

  I wasn’t stupid. I knew some women liked one-night stands. What Lauren wouldn’t have liked, though, was when I called her Nikki while I was fucking her. Because I would’ve. Sweaty, hand in her hair, balls deep inside her and coming. Whispering Nikki’s name in her ear. Not intentionally. But I would’ve. “I’m good, Deek.” I smirked. “Your concerns about my dick are misplaced.”

  “Fuck you,” he said, laughing, but he was serious in a flash. “We found a roommate, but I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

  “Oh yeah?”

  “Definitely not gonna work out. Doesn’t really seem like the type who can throw a punch if need be.”

  I cringed. “I fucked up, Deek.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  “I missed my girl, and there was a lot of shit going on in my head…”

  “I fucked up, too, though, with a lot of shit.” He put his hand on my shoulder. “The guy hasn’t signed a lease yet. Think about it.”

  “Look who came out of hiding!” Samira wrapped her arms around my shoulders suddenly. “Please tell me you guys aren’t leaving. Lux was cranky before my mom got there and I need to drink. A lot.” Patrick raised his chin a notch in greeting as Samira hugged me closer so she could whisper. “We need to talk first, though. Alone.” Whenever a woman said that to me I was instantly concerned. Samira being the specific woman resulted in catastrophic, paralyzing terror.

  We went down a few blocks to a gelato place then sat on a bench outside. “I sent the whole cast an email and told them not to come in for the table read.” She scooped gelato out of my cup. “I’m sorry—don’t get mad at me—but the final script, it’s…it’s a cop out. It’s shitty to do that to the fans and our series.” I’d expected that. In the script everyone had, Chuck imagined what his life would’ve been like if he’d never met Sami in a Sliding Doors, alternate reality episode. They still ended up at Leeward together, but they were never friends and Chuck was ultimately happy. So back in reality, Chuck ended the friendship before they ever went to Leeward. They were no longer a part of each other’s lives, and at graduation their interaction was a last hello and goodbye before they went their separate ways.

  “I’ve known for a long time that Sami was the personification of your love/hate relationship with writing, and how you were dealing with it. But I can’t believe you really think your life would’ve been better if you hadn’t fallen in love with it. Chuck and Sami are soul mates. Yes, it’s tumultuous but that doesn’t mean it’s not meant to be. Doesn’t mean it’s not worth it. And the absence of pain in Chuck’s life without Sami made me realize how much anguish you’ve been putting into these scripts. Jesus, Charlie.”

  “I know. You’re right. It’s the wrong story. I wasn’t really in a good headspace.” And for the first time in a long time, my best friend and I had a heart-to-heart and I told her everything: that Fallon was my drug dealer, that it was amphetamines and not caffeine, that Nikki had confronted me, and it was why we had broken up (I didn’t say how I had almost gotten her baby daughter drugged, but it didn’t feel like the right time to drop that little nugget). I made sure to stress that I was doing my best to make sure I was never in that situation again.

  Samira had eaten all my gelato by the time I was done talking. She also had “I want to hug the shit out of you” face. “And you’re done with it now? Are you sure?” she asked. I nodded. “Why didn’t you tell me it was eating you up like this?”

  “You think I’m important enough to raise your kid. I didn’t want you to regret that because I couldn’t handle getting my feelings hurt.”

  She shook her head. “You have proven time and time again that you are the best person I know. Finding out you were struggling doesn’t change that.”

  “Nikki really didn’t tell you?”

  “I wish she had. She must’ve been so torn about protecting you, right or wrong. God, one of you should’ve told me!” She sighed and averted her eyes. “There’s something you should know, too. There’s a guy. Nikki has a guy…”

  I snapped my spoon and crushed my cup. “What the fuck do you mean there’s a guy? She has a boyfriend? Is it serious?”

  “I don’t think so. I think they’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase.”

  “Fuck, Samira…who the fuck is he?”

  “Some dude she works with. He’s their IT guy. He’s a horrible, awful human being,” she deadpanned. “I think he sacrifices puppies at night and kicks old ladies. But worst of all, I’ve seen him twice and both times he had on a different pair of ugly shoes. I mean, dude, get your shoe game together. Because the rest of us are judging,” she said, lilting at the end. “How can anyone trust you with their heart when you can’t even be trusted to buy cute shoes?” She said it with so much disgust that I burst out laughing. It came from a place in me that had been waiting for a huge release. A few people turned around to look at us. I laughed harder.

  Samira was always my saving grace.

  “Are you in love with Nikki?”

  “I don’t even know how to say how in love with her I am, Mira.”

  “Well, if you lose that girl, you will spend the rest of your life trying to turn every other woman into her.”

  I nodded. That I knew. “So, are you going to keep Lux away from me? Now that you know everything?”

  “Real?”

  “Real.”

  “I just need some time to process all of this. Not forever.” She squeezed my hand when I sighed. “Remember when we were at Prep and someone anonymously posted a racist joke on the community board? A lot of people said I made a big deal out of it because I thought the administration glossed over it too easily. People stopped talking to me, and I almost left school. You were the only reason I stayed, Charlie, because you didn’t just let me become some social outcast or someone who stirred up trouble. I was always more to you.” Samira’s lip trembled. “Really trying not to cry in public right now. Real, dude, so real.” We both laughed. “With you in her life, Luxie will always have someone who knows her. Her life and who she is will matter with you. You make stuff matter. You make people matter. I know my daughter will never feel insignificant. So I need you to be you. Everyone who knows you needs you to be you.”

  Chapter Sixteen

  Nikki

  “Your car is a piece of shit, Nicole,” Camryn said as I pulled into my designated parking space. My engine sounded like a hen house. It was getting me from point A to B on my prayers, but it was getting me there.

  “Well, this piece of shit was your escape for the day, wasn’t it?” I grabbed her arm before she could get out. “And stop being so mean to your mom. I know it’s kind of my fault that you are, but you can’t keep treating her like shit. She loves you, and she’s fighting for you, so appreciate that.” She groaned, gave me an eye roll, and played with the edges of her shorts. I wanted to shake her. Camryn could be so frustrating sometimes, and I certainly couldn’t take all the credit for it. “Camryn.”

  “Okay. Okay. Got it; Mom’s a superhero.” She leaped from the passenger seat.

  “Grab some bags from the back.” I ran through my to-do list for tonight on the short walk to my building: apartment was clean, everyone knew what time to be here, and I knew what I was wearing. All I had to do was cook. My family was coming over tonight. Mariella had been a big help the last few weeks as I tried to figure out how to talk things out with them. It was selfish of me to be glad Charlie was staying in the condo. Now it didn’t feel like she and I were having an affair. But being around her made me miss him so much.

  I turned at the landing to my floor and tripped up two steps. My heart forced its way into my throat. I died. Was resurrected. Charlie was sitting on the stairs, staring at his phone.

  “Oh my gah!” Camryn dove in for a hug, but his eyes were on me over her shoulder.

  “H
i, Cam.”

  “I thought you guys weren’t fucking anymore?” she asked him.

  “Cam,” I warned.

  “Am I wrong?”

  “Hey…” I said. Squeaked, really. I squeaked.

  “Hi…” He stood up. My eyes traveled with him. Damn, he looked good. Exes should’ve had a required expiration date for how long they were sexy. In all fairness.

  “Keys,” Cam demanded. What? She dug into my purse during my brain fart and retrieved them herself. She pushed past him and hurried to unlock the front door.

  “What are you…have you been waiting long?”

  “Not really. But did I get the timing wrong? Did Cam have a bad day today or something?”

  “Yeah. Her mom said she could hang out here for a while. Cool off. She’s picking her up in a couple hours…” I walked up to the step just below the one he was on. It was the first time I’d seen him since screwing him on Samira’s guestroom floor. “What are you doing here?”

  “Uh…recipes…” He fished an envelope from his pocket and handed it to me. “I know Ahsha was supposed to bring it over. Hope it’s okay.”

  “Yeah. Of course. Wow, this is old school,” I said, laughing. The two dishes Mariella had sent over were handwritten on index cards. She’d sent me an ingredients list already. “Does she keep them in a box?”

  “Yup. They’re really important to her. Some of them are written in Spanish because of my grandma. There are side notes all over these. I guess that’s why she didn’t just take a picture and email or text them. Easier to read.” Charlie smiled.

  “This is awesome but…there should be a third one…” I said. Tyler’s favorite food to eat was mac and cheese, and she’d promised me the best recipe ever.