The Kitchen Boy

by Robert Alexander

  Then again, we’ll never know.

  Misha slammed shut the magazine. He had to get rid of it. Sure, his granddaughter Kate might find a copy on her own, but he sure as the devil wasn’t going to leave one right here in his office for her to discover. He’d been a fool to keep it here this long. And with that, Misha folded the magazine in half and threw it in his leather-embossed trash can. He’d been so thorough, tried to be so complete, and yet… yet…

  He found himself leaning against his wall of cherished books. These volumes, which included everything from the Tsar and Tsaritsa’s last diaries to the letters of Queen Victoria, were like friends to him. Individually each one contained a snippet of the truth, while their knowledge combined did contain the greater part.

  And it flashed through his mind: just a look. Sure, and rather like an addict his hands started shaking. Just one quick look.

  Pulling a brass key from his pocket, he moved a few feet to the side and yanked out two books in particular, revealing a lock. He was just about to insert the key and unlock his vault when he caught himself. No, he thought. Not yet. If I go into that small chamber I’ll be swept away by memories and I’ll never finish the tape. And finish I must.

  He slipped the key back into the pocket of his trousers, and parked the books back in front of the lock. He hadn’t been in there since three days before May had died, when he’d brought his wife down for what turned out to be her final visit. Absolutely no one but May and he knew of the vault’s existence, yet Kate, whom he loved so dearly, soon would. Within a short time the contents thereof would be all her responsibility. Misha only prayed that the audiotape he was now making and the sealed letter he’d left with his attorney would be enough to guide her.

  In any case, it would soon be out of his control. He’d done everything he could not only during his lifetime, but to control things from the grave.

  Sitting down at his desk, Misha took a brief sip of water. With a deep rumble, he cleared his throat. And then he pushed the button on the tape recorder and continued:

  “Hi, my sweet Kate. It’s me, your old Dyedushka Misha. I’m back. Is my story making sense? Are you able to follow everything? If there’s anything that doesn’t make sense, don’t forget to check the documents in my dossier, okay, malenkaya?” Little one.

  “You know, many people, many times have said to me how much Russians and Americans are alike. We both have such big hearts, we are both so welcoming into our homes, we are both so desperate to be liked. And sure, in these ways we resemble each other. I do not know – perhaps it is because both countries are so vast and hold such a diversity of peoples, but… but the similarities stop there. The truth is that Americans cannot possibly begin to understand the depth of the Russian soul, the Orthodox soul. And this you must to understand. For my story to make sense you must comprehend that every Russian, in his heart of hearts, believes that sin brings suffering, great suffering. That in turn leads to repentance, and it is that very cleansing which eventually delivers one closer unto the feet of God Himself. Do not forget: sin, repentance, holy deliverance. Sin, torment and cleansing, purification. Sin, suffering, forgiveness.

  “Clear?

  “My passport says I am now an American, but in my heart I know I am and will always be Russkie, and like every other person of my country, I want to judge, I want to blame, I want to point away from myself, and say, There, that is the guilty fool, that person did that to me and my fatherland. He is at fault, not me! It’s true, so very true, we Russians are peasants, mere peasants who will do anything to escape blame and responsibility, for we are still deathly afraid of our master’s whip. But in fact… in fact the dynasty itself exploded for a myriad of stupidly brilliant reasons. Simply, it somehow stumbled upon a perfect, and yet altogether not random, chemical reaction: you take one part decent man but not enlightened ruler, one part heartbroken mother clutching for any way to save her son, two parts inbred dynasty and gossip-obsessed court, one part Great War, and three parts uneducated, worn, and hungry people, and – boom! – what do you get? Revolution, terrible, terrible revolution, of course! Any eedee-ot can see that.

  “It amazes me still to this day how quickly the empire fell to pieces. One day the people are kissing the ground upon which the Tsar’s shadow has fallen, the next they are hacking apart his body. Nikolai merely put down his scepter and walked away, and literally overnight a three-hundred-year old dynasty evaporated – poof, gone! – with no one lifting a finger to save it. Ironic that the Soviet Union collapsed just as easily, which proves it was no better, that the cure, kommunizm, was in fact far worse than the disease itself. Now, I can only hope, those days are over, and just maybe that’s true. After all, it took nearly one hundred years for the insanity to fade from France after their revolution.

  “So, anyway… where was I? Oh, sure,” he said, leaning forward and checking the tape, which was whirring away. “I must continue my dark story. You must listen while I tell of the terrible things I saw the night the Romanovs were murdered. I have lived with this story every day, every moment of my life, yet never did I want these events to cross my lips. But now, because of recent developments, tell I must. You see, the night the Romanovs were killed, I chased after the truck that was overflowing with troopy – carcasses – as it slowly headed down that dirt road to village Koptyaki.

  “But I will get to all of those gruesome details. Now, just listen as I return to the morning of June 26,1918.”

  9

  It was a Wednesday. The previous day the second note had come so nicely hidden in the cork of that chetvert of milk, and then that afternoon I’d carried out the long reply. We were all quite hopeful, even quite expectant, that Wednesday morning. We’d had no news from the outside for weeks – no letters, no newspapers except an ersatz journal that consisted of three telegrams reprinted on some greasy brown paper – but suddenly there was that candle of hope. Perhaps the world had not forgotten His Majesty after all. Though the morning was hot – “Very hot again, 22½ degrees in the room,” recorded Aleksandra in her diary – we were all quite eager upon rising, thankful to know that someone was apparently working on our behalf. Could it be that God had finally heard the long, sorrowful prayers of Aleksandra and her family? Had she finally got right her arrangements of icons?

  I was in the kitchen stuffing the center of the samovar with twigs and pine cones. It was not quite seven-thirty. And the first of the Romanovs to go to the water closet that morning – accompanied by a guard, of course – was again the second daughter, Tatyana Nikolaevna. Our eyes met and said the same things: yes, perhaps today was the day, perhaps by eve we would be free. Her fine lips pursed the smallest of smiles. Carrying a sponge, toothbrush, rubber traveling bowl, and a pressed white linen hand towel, she, with the guard right behind her, passed through the kitchen, past the twenty-three steps, and to the far corner of the house. In the back of my mind I heard the door of the water closet open, close, and knew that the guard was waiting right outside the door while the Grand Duchess was performing her morning ablutions.

  Several moments later, however, I heard the door of the water closet thrown open, and then Tatyana Nikolaevna, like a fast moving summer storm, swept back through the kitchen, her eyes cast to the floor. There were bright blooms of red spread across her face – again, so much like her mother whose emotions manifested themselves physically – while behind her came the guard, laughing deeply as he stroked his stringy beard. What untoward actions had he taken? Had he cornered the young woman, tried to kiss her, as one of them had tried to embrace Maria just last week?

  I glanced through the hall, into the dining room. I saw nothing, but heard a flurry of low voices, the swishing of dresses. A few moments passed before Nikolai Aleksandrovich himself came storming along the same route. Wearing his army tunic and tall leather boots, of course, he passed through the kitchen, his face grave. Behind him came the same guard, still laughing, still stroking his beard. Although I was all but invisible to both of them, I w
atched as the ex-Tsar moved with great determination into the water closet. He remained there longer than his daughter. A good deal longer.

  I lit the samovar, vented the smoke out the window. I blew on the twigs, made sure the flame was fine and strong. And then I heard Nikolai Aleksandrovich emerge, heard him march my way, his pace steady, controlled, firm. Almost like a robot he passed me by, his face stony and void of expression. Many people have described the Tsar as such, that when bad news was delivered upon him they were surprised by his lack of reaction, lack of emotion. Some great ministers and foreign dignitaries mistook this as a lack of caring and feeling, a weak-willed passivity or deep-seated fatalism. But they were all wrong. Nikolai Aleksandrovich was deeply emotional, extraordinarily caring. And also a firm believer that the Tsar of All the Russias must maintain absolute control – control of every little item on his desk, control of his own calendar and appointments, and above all, supreme among most manly things, control of his personal feelings. All this while deep inside so much was seething, all of which he expressed only to his wife. Yes, a passionate, loving man – which is made clear in the thousands of letters he left behind – but as he moved on by, not an inkling of emotion could I detect on that man’s practiced face. I did notice something, however: his hands. They were blackened, and he was rubbing them together, trying desperately to wipe something away.

  Unable to contain myself, I quickly peered into the center of the samovar and saw that the blaze was going well. I then glanced into the dining room, spying nothing. While all of the Romanovs needed a guard to escort them to the water closet or the bathing room, I did not. And so that is exactly where I went, to the very place where the Tsar had just gone on foot. Passing through the house, I reached the far corner, where I paused, heard the guards’ deep voices – was that groggy one Komendant Avdeyev? – then reached for the door of the water closet. And thereupon entered a small chamber of surprise.

  Russians can be witty. They can be cruel. And they find keen delight in the grotesque marriage of the two. Many things had I heard in jest about Nikolai – “We had a revolution not because we wanted a limited monarchy, but because we had a limited monarch” – but here on the walls of the water closet were things that my youthful mind had never conjured. On the wall across from the ceramic sink was painted a demonic man, his hair long and scraggly, his beard twisted and foul. He was naked, and rising from between his legs was a gigantic, erect penis which he was shoving into the crack of a woman who herself wore nothing but a large, bejeweled crown. Above him was written the name “Grisha,” while on her crown was enscribed “Shura.” Sure, in this tiny chamber the angry Red guards had portrayed the man they believed had soiled the dynasty and brought down the empire, Grigory Rasputin, fornicating with that traitor to the motherland, the German bitch, Empress Aleksandra Fyodorovna. Nearby, watching the scene with robust delight, was an effeminate, chubby, bearded man with droopy breasts – the Emperor Nikolai II – who sat in a tub overflowing with German marks and American dollars. It was done in big bold strokes of black paint. Permanent paint. That much was obvious because the Tsar had used a wet hand to try to wipe it away, though it had proved impossible to do little more than lightly smear the graphic mural.

  But there was more.

  Most of the guards had never before seen a toilet, let alone used one, and had taken to using this one by standing on the seat itself and squatting. In light of the numerous muddy footprints left behind on the seat, the Empress had had her maid place a cultured sign above the toilet that read: “Be so kind as to leave the toilet as clean as you found it.” But that did little good, because most of the guards couldn’t read, either. In any case, to the side and written directly on the wall was a little ditty:

  TO ALL HIS PEOPLES NIKOLAI SAID

  AS FOR A REPUBLIC, GO FUCK YOURSELVES INSTEAD

  SO OUR RUSSIAN TSAR CALLED NICK

  WE DRAGGED FROM HIS THRONE BY HIS DICK

  To myself I mumbled aloud the last two lines – “Tsaria russkogo Nikolu, Za khuy sdernuli s prestolu” – and I began to shake. Such rudeness was unbelievable – to this day it’s still forbidden in Russia to even publish the word khuy. And, I started to cry, not so much out of fear, but because for the first time I grasped how horrid a world lay ahead if, in fact, I survived.

  Yes, the image and little ditty remained all the way to the end, and, in fact, were added to as the days fell away, with slogans like, “Crush the Crowns of the Tsar, Tear Apart the Old World,” “Death to the Blood Drinker,” “To Hell with Kapitalizm,” “Crush International Imperialism.” All these did the Romanovs see in the water closet. Day after day, whenever they went to relieve themselves, they were surrounded with this hatred. I have no idea what they thought, what they felt, as they – father, mother, son, and daughters – went into that small chamber one after the other and sat there alone and half-naked as the hatred bore down upon them from all sides. And yet, the Romanovs suffered well. Not a protest did they make, not a word did they complain. They read their Bibles, they chanted their prayers, they bowed to their icons.

  Yet that morning there was still a chance of rescue. And a chance meant hope. No, Nikolai did not want to be rescued from that special house and restored to the brilliancy of the Romanov throne, of this I am absolutely certain. If so many of his peoples felt locked in the chains of poverty, then he felt entrapped by the riches of the dynasty, which is to say that peasant and Tsar alike were liberated by the revolution. Yes, many have said, and I do believe it to be true, that Nikolai bloomed after his abdication.

  The call of nature ruled all, of course, and one by one all of the Romanovs visited the water closet by eight of that morning, that is to say within the thirty minutes left before our inspection. Not a word of protest did they make, however – at least not outwardly, not that could be heard by any of their guards, or even us, their small retinue, consisting of Dr. Botkin, the maid, Demidova, the footman Trupp, the cook, Kharitonov, and me, the kitchen boy. I watched all the rest of them – the Empress, the Heir Tsarevich, and the other three daughters – as they passed through the kitchen to the facilities, escorted, as they all were, by a guard. To generalize, if they appeared full of trepidation as they headed for the toilet room, then they seemed shocked upon their return. In all that I’ve learned, the thing that surprised Nikolai and Aleksandra the most about his abdication, the one aspect that crushed their hearts, was definitely not the loss of power and wealth, but the realization of how widely hated they were. And by this I mean not by the court, but the narod – the masses – whose emotions were so deeply stirred by the centuries of inequity and darkly spiced by the poisonous propaganda of the Bolsheviki.

  So the inspection that morning was a somber affair. The only visible sign of stress among the family were Aleksandra’s eyes, which were swollen red, and her pale skin, which was all blotchy. But while she was deeply disturbed that morning, perhaps deathly afraid, she would not betray herself, she would not allow her captors that victory not simply over her persona, but most importantly over her faith in the greater glory of Bog. God. She knew as well that she had to be strong for her children, the children whom she had always tried to raise properly so that they would not folly in their wealth and exulted status. To them she wrote:

  Learn to make others happy, think of yourself last of all. Be gentle and kind, never rough nor rude… Show a loving heart. Above all, learn to love God with all the force of your soul and He will be near you… Your old Mama

  Standing according to our rank, from Tsar to Tsaritsa, Heir to grand duchesses, then all the way from doctor, maid, and down to me, the lowest of all, that morning inspection was the most somber of any to take place in The House of Special Purpose. We stood in the dining room, in front of the large fireplace, all of us seething with rage and fear, but none of us saying a word, because we took our every cue from the Emperor and Empress. When they crossed themselves during a church service, so did we. When they dropped to their knees and bowed their foreh
eads to the floor, so did we. And that morning, during that inspection, both Nikolai and Aleksandra stood ramrod straight, their lips pinched tight like a champagne cork holding all within lest all explode. And so did we.

  “Noo… noo…” Well… well… mumbled Avdeyev, looking us up and down.

  Big and heavy was he, his hair a mess, his face unshaved. Actually his eyes were red as well, though certainly not from crying. Nyet, we knew there had been much drinking last night, for there’d been so much shouting, so much hooting and singing. And that was surely when the drawings had been made on the walls of the water closet.

  “So…” began Avdeyev, his voice all coy, obviously fishing for some kind of reaction to the drawing and the ditty, “any questions, any problems?”

  “Nyet-s, Aleksander Dimitrievich,” respectfully replied the Tsar.

  Avdeyev stared long and hard into Nikolai Aleksandrovich’s face. One of the guards across the room openly laughed, and Avdeyev’s bloated lips swelled into a puffy, purple smile.

  “Neechevo?” Nothing? “Really? No questions of any sort?”

  I glanced over, saw the Tsar’s face bloom crimson, noted his chin begin to quiver. Was this it? Had the Tsar reached the end? Could he, would he, burst with this last teeny bit of needling? And if so, if he fell, what did that mean for the rest of us? What hope would there be?

  “Nyet-s, voprosov nikakix.” No, there are no questions, tersely said the Tsar, holding his head as well as his voice steady, good soldier that he was.

  Avdeyev shrugged and turned away, saying, “Very well, then go ahead and have your morning tea.”

  Groaning and rubbing his head, the komendant lumbered off, making his way back to the main guard room on this level, where, I imagine, he laid back down and went to sleep for a good long while.