‘And one especially for the weary wife,’ I added. ‘Is it over yet? Fancy a cup of tea? Oo, the ceiling needs dusting. And they should do a singing one too. It could sing, I ain’t got no-o-body.’
‘Juvenile,’ said Lorna but she laughed. ‘I think you should forget about sex toys and apps for you and Matt and just buy a bottle of good wine, a scented candle and relax. All this stuff is too much like hard work and not really you at all, Cait.’
‘OK, good, in that case, can we go to M and S? I can buy the things you suggested, plus I need to get some support tights.’
*
At home later, I escaped to my study and opened my laptop to do rewrites on the ‘Fairy Freak-Out’.
I went to Facebook instead. Watched fascinating and essential clip about a cat who adopts a squirrel monkey. Three minutes. Very moving. Then another clip of a cat helping a puppy out of a ditch. Also very moving.
I spent half an hour looking at further seduction tips on various websites, and made a note to try them as soon as possible.
There was nothing from Tom. I felt disappointed. But then what was I expecting? I’d told him I needed time. I won’t think about him, I told myself. I’m married to Matt and going to make that work.
I googled sex toys and found a site that sold the same as the shop in town and more. Ow. Some of the prostate massagers looked like medieval torture implements. ‘The male G-spot is in the anus so these toys can help orgasm,’ I read. Well, I never knew that, I thought, and made a note to pass on my newfound information to Debs and Lorna. I’d enjoyed our time together today. Somehow my and Matt’s lack of sex life hadn’t seemed so much of a problem when having a laugh in the shop; more like a temporary hiccup that neither of them seemed overly concerned about.
I spent the next twenty minutes familiarizing myself with the Bondage for Beginners pages on the website. When I got to the electro- and medical fetish section and read about a G-spot intimate part spreader, I decided it might be time to call it a day.
‘Cup of tea, Cait?’ Matt called up the stairs.
‘Yes please. And make it quick or you will be beaten,’ my inner dominatrix called back.
‘Pardon? Didn’t catch the last bit.’
‘And see if there’s any cake that hasn’t been eaten,’ replied my inner wuss, who had shoved the dominatrix aside.
‘OK. Will do.’
The site did, however, have some lovely lingerie, and I ordered a lace chemise with a halterneck while Matt made us tea with not a clue that I was turning into a love beast who devoured websites selling nipple clips and leather restraints. No, no, not for us, I thought as I stopped at the Clean Stream douche kit which appeared to be … ‘It’s a hot-water bottle,’ I said to the screen. A bit further down were pictures of candles, but they were being sold as bondage candles. Someone, somewhere, was making a lot of money peddling ordinary household things in adult packaging.
‘Who were you talking to?’ asked Matt when he brought my tea.
‘Laptop,’ I said as I shut down the site. ‘Er, just checking out strap-on dildos.’
Matt laughed. ‘Right-oh,’ he said, and ruffled my hair as if I was a five year old. ‘And why would you want one of those?’
‘To wear on my forehead and pretend I am a Dalek in Doctor Who. Why do you think?’
Matt laughed again and went back down the stairs. Clearly he didn’t think I was serious. He was right. I’d done my research into sex toys. Nothing really appealed, and I realized it wasn’t anything like that I wanted. What I wanted was to be desired and to desire him, to feel close to Matt, and no way was a pair of cat’s ears and a vibrating monster dong going to do that.
Must do some writing work, I thought. Back to my story. Stared at blank page …
Ten minutes later: Still staring at a blank page.
Ping. Had an idea. Began to type. Fairy really does freak out. She goes on the rampage with a killer-driller vibrator and a splat gun that fires pineapple-flavoured lube. She ties up all the other characters with pink furry handcuffs, then sticks butt plugs up their noses and stuffs jiggle balls in their mouths. They can’t breathe. They can’t fly. There’s super silk lube everywhere. Soon they are dead. It’s a fairy freak-out. Fairy realizes with horror that she has lost her marbles so she turns the monster vibrator on herself. She dies with a smile on her face but, oh dear, with her death, it means that there are no more characters. No more story.
Hmm. Should I rewrite? My story is definitely not appropriate for kids. In fact, maybe I am not meant to be a writer after all.
Time for another look on Facebook to see if there are any new clips of animals that have been adopted or rescued in the last half-hour.
There was nothing interesting on Facebook but there was an email from Tom.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Dear Cait
Have made a list of what I have to offer.
• House in Majorca with stunning views. Has an artist’s studio. Photos attached.
I took a quick look. Oh my god, it was perfect. A high-ceilinged sitting room, with bleached wood floors and pale blue sofas, that opened onto a terrace looking out over a valley. Stunning. A huge bed in a white shuttered room with more views to die for.
• Am a great cook. Know my wines.
• Have all my own teeth. OK. Most of them. OK, one wisdom tooth gone.
• Have all my own hair.
I wrote back.
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Dear Tom,
Please send a list of all your faults, medical complaints and any medication you are on.
Cait.
X
PS: I am not on any medication but think I may need some soon due to increasing sense of insanity.
‘I reckon that they’re ready to photograph,’ said Matt as we surveyed the finished spare rooms later that day. They’d both been transformed from scruffy boys’ bedrooms into light elegant spaces that I felt proud of. Sam’s old room was painted in dove grey and white and I’d found a pale silver silk bedspread that went perfectly. Jed’s room was painted in ivory and had a duck egg bedspread and curtains.
‘I agree,’ I said. ‘We just need to tidy up the bathrooms a bit, get some posh products in there, then hopefully we’ll have paying guests in the next few weeks.’
‘Excellent. Well done, Cait,’ said Matt from the doorway to Jed’s old room. ‘This was a good idea.’
‘And well done to you,’ I replied, and went to pass him while brushing myself up against him (seduction tip number 8 from the LoversLateinLife site). As I did so, he stepped back up against the doorframe to let me through, so I moved forward towards him again. He tried to move back further.
‘Christ, Cait. What are you trying to do? Squash me?’
I held him with my gaze, looking directly into his eyes (seduction tip number 9 from the SexatSixty site).
He looked alarmed. ‘What? Why are you looking at me like that? Have I done something?’
I tried to transmit sexual energy up and through my eyes, so continued to hold his gaze. He looked away and made a run for it down the stairs. ‘Sometimes you can be scary,’ he called back.
It appears that I haven’t got the hang of sizzling seduction yet. Maybe it can’t be forced. I thought back to when I’d seen Tom. He’d stared into my eyes directly and it had tugged deliciously, deep inside. I’d looked back at him. The magnetic pull had just been there, hadn’t had to be evoked or forced. Maybe the fire between Matt and me had simply gone, the passion petered out, the battery gone flat.
I went back to my study and opened a new file for book ideas. Closed it and went to Facebook and watched clip of Kenyan Karate Mammas. Three minutes. Fascinating.
*
‘Forward, back, jump, shout Zumba,’ cried my teacher later at the class in the local church hall. I got some Kenyan Karate Mamma moves in. The rest of the class were very impressed.
23
Cait
Seduction tip for the day. Get in the shower with your partner.
I took a shower but Matt was still asleep, despite me having taken him a cup of tea and poked him several times. Maybe I should have bought a monster vibrator. I could have used it as a novelty alarm clock.
Matt was at the island in our kitchen having breakfast, in his dressing gown.
‘Did you want something?’ he asked.
‘No. Why?’
‘You’re hovering with that look on your face.’
‘What look?’
‘Like you’re waiting for me to do something.’
‘No. No, not at all. Um, are you going to take a shower?’
Matt sniffed his armpits. ‘Probably. Why? Do I need to?’
He was on the defensive. Not a good start but, five minutes later, he went up to the bathroom. I followed him up and waited outside the door. Once I heard the water turned on, I went in. I could see him soaping himself behind the shower screen. My plan had been to slip in beside him and join in the soaping, but I remembered that one of the sites on seduction had also advised being unpredictable and devil-may-care. This was the perfect opportunity, plus the imagery from that famous scene in movie history had given me an idea. I picked up the electric toothbrush and began slashing the shower curtain while making a rhythmic screaming sound.
Matt yelped and leapt back. ‘What the hell? Cait! What are you doing?’
‘Norman Bates in Psycho.’
‘I got the reference but why?’ He held his hand to his chest and took a deep breath. ‘You almost gave me a heart attack.’
‘Sorry. Sorry.’
‘Hand me a towel. Christ.’
‘Sorry. Thought it might be funny,’ I said as I sloped out of the bathroom.
Clearly acting like a psychopath didn’t qualify as risqué or fun. Fair point.
*
Seduction tip number 4 from the sexforbeginners website. Drape your body over him while he’s watching TV.
Matt had taken a coffee into the sitting room to watch the midday news, so I went in to join him. He was stretched out on the sofa so I sat at the other end, then slowly slid down and began to edge up until my back was lined up with his torso.
‘Cait, if you want the sofa, just say so,’ he said as he peered over me in an attempt to see the TV screen. ‘You don’t need to muscle your way in.’
He clearly wasn’t getting the message, so I pushed myself back against him in the hope that he’d pick up the signals. He didn’t. He saw it as a challenge to determine who got the sofa. He shoved me forward, which took me by surprise, and I rolled off and landed with a thud on the rug in front of the coffee table.
‘Oh. Sorry, Cait. I didn’t mean to—’
I sat up and was about to turn and be cross but he was laughing. ‘Sorry, sorry. What were you trying to do?’
‘Snuggle. It’s ages since we did.’
He moved back on the sofa to make room for me. ‘Come on then. Sorry. Didn’t mean to laugh.’
Too late, I said and got up, put my nose in the air and left the room. Whoever wrote the seduction techniques ought to add one – do not attempt to distract partner if he is watching the lunchtime news.
*
Seduction tip number 11 from the sexforthesexless website. Whisper something dirty in his ear. This can be very arousing.
Yes but when? I asked myself. Why aren’t these sites specific? When he’s brushing his teeth? Having a cup of tea? Plus, I couldn’t think of what to whisper – Don’t forget it’s rubbish collection day tomorrow? I’m going to be doing a white wash later? Put your dirty T-shirts in the basket? No, not that kind of dirt. Even I know that. It has to be more – hello, big boy, I want to fondle your hunky, hairy body. No. If I came out with something like that, Matt would laugh his head off.
Clearly I need to go to my laptop and google ‘how to talk dirty for beginners’. So. Back to the site for suggestions. Oh. Right. There are loads of sites, even on how to talk dirty in Spanish. Hola.
I began to read the suggestions and made notes as I scrolled down:
I am not wearing any underwear. Hmm. If I whispered that, Matt would think it was the onset of dementia and I’d forgot to put any on.
I woke up wet this morning. Matt would think we had a leak in the ceiling.
You’re such a sex machine. Cue hysterical laughter from Matt.
Ride me like a cowboy. Uh?
Fuck me like I’m a farm animal. What? Which farm animal? Chicken? Pig? Cow? Horse? Sheep? Or should one go exotic and think alpaca?
Deeper, deeper, bang me hard you bad, bad boy.
Cripes almighty, I can’t come out with any of that. Ride me like a cowboy? It’s just not my style. In fact, just reading the examples made me want to laugh. I decided to opt for some of the tamer lines and I went down to find Matt. He was on the sofa in his den, looking at his laptop so I sat down and slid towards him. This time, he didn’t attempt to push me off but he did look wary.
‘I’m not wearing any underwear,’ I said huskily.
He pointed at the ceiling. ‘I did a wash yesterday. I put all the clean stuff upstairs in the drawers in our bedroom.’
I knew it. Knew he wouldn’t get what I was trying to do. Maybe I need to lower my voice, be more husky.
‘No, I mean … I woke up so hot this morning.’
This got his attention.
‘Really. Hot flush? But surely you went through the menopause years ago, Cait? Maybe you should see a doctor – night sweats might be a symptom of something serious. Or maybe it’s a cold coming on, you do sound a bit throaty.’
One last try – what was it? Ride me like a farm animal, or was it a cowboy? OK. Here goes. ‘I want you to ride me like a horse.’
Matt burst out laughing. ‘What?’
‘Farm animal. Cowboy. I’m talking … Actually, you know what? Never mind.’
Matt’s expression went from amusement to confusion. ‘What? Have I upset you again? Oh god, what have I done now?’
‘Nothing. It’s me. Just …’
I am a failure at dirty talking, just as I was at phone sex. I shall look to see if they do classes in it at the adult further education college. Under languages – French, Spanish, Filth.
Texted Lorna and Debs. Did you ever try talking dirty? If so, how?
Lorna texted back. Not really, though loved it when Alistair spoke Italian.
Debs texted back. All the time. I told you, I tried it all – phone sex, Tantric sex, dirty talking. He still left me.
Back to Google, but first I saw an email from Tom:
From: [email protected]
To: [email protected]
Faults. Have been trying to remember what my ex-wives said.
• Works too hard (no longer an issue as I come and go as I please regarding my work which is now more of a hobby).
• Snores sometimes. I know. Sorry. Ear plugs?
• Impatient, though in my defence, I would say, don’t suffer fools.
• Medical conditions: am on no medication. Healthy and hearty.
I didn’t reply. I was on a mission so had a look at further tips on the sextipsforthedesperate site.
Wear nice underwear.
Create a romantic atmosphere.
Prepare a meal with food with aphrodisiac properties.
It was only day one in the challenge, and no way was I going to give up after a few disastrous attempts at getting Matt’s attention. I would do something more our style, I’d decided; would go all out and combine several of the seduction tips, as well as take Lorna’s advice and cook a nice meal to go with a good bottle of wine. Simple pleasures.
It had been years since I’d cooked ‘a romantic meal’, and lately we’d taken to eating our supper on our knees while watching the news. We even have those lap-safe trays. Next stop will be a huge fleece onesie and one giant slipper to share.
Matt had gone to check out a gym early evening, so I had time to prepa
re. Everything would be ready by the time he got back.
List of things to do:
Bathe in unguents from the Orient.
Dress in flattering clothes with special attention to underwear.
Make room look romantic: scented candles.
Prepare meal with aphrodisiacs.
Open wine to breathe.
I bathed in perfumed bath oil, then applied body lotion to every part of my body, even the under-soles of my feet, so I am silky smooth – too silky smooth. I slipped on bathroom tiles, hit head, might be concussed.
I went to the chest of drawers to look out some sexy underwear. Oh dear. There must be something in there somewhere, I thought as I rummaged through. But no. Nothing apart from a pile of white cotton knickers.
‘Over my shoulder goes one pair,’ I sang as I threw them out one after the other. There was nothing vaguely lacy or silk. My bras weren’t any better, and I’d got rid of suspender belts and stockings several decades ago. Maybe if I could get Matt in the mood, I could strip off and he wouldn’t have to look at my underwear. Or, better still, I could entertain him by doing the Dance of the Seven Veils with the set of tea towels we got on a day trip to Weymouth last autumn.
I got undressed and surveyed myself in the long mirror. Hmm. The line, ‘Very nice but needs ironing,’ came to mind. Candlelight in the bedroom later would definitely be a good idea – that is if we got that far.
Or, if all went as planned, we could move on to advanced seduction tips and ‘have sex in unusual places’. I wasn’t sure what they meant by unusual – in a wardrobe? Under the coffee table? On top of the spin dryer? Who knew where we’d end up if the mood so took us. We might even end up in the garden shed and do it over the lawn mower.
Now. What to wear for a Friday-night supper that won’t look over the top but will look attractive. I chose my ‘going out for dinner’ outfit, a pale green dress, and applied a little make-up so that it didn’t look as though something was going on, then went downstairs to cook. As I went about the preparations, I felt optimistic that it was going to be a good evening and that things could change for the better. Matt and I had been through many phases in our marriage: good, happy, indifferent, busy, sad, irritated, so there was no reason we couldn’t have yet another phase – one that we determined together.
Dancing Over the Hill Page 18