by Leona Fox
“All I know is Matthew is making you happy and you should do what you can to make that last as long as possible.”
“I guess so. We'll see how it goes and take each day as it comes. I don't think I really want a big commitment.”
“Have you said the 'l' word yet?”
“We came close once...he stopped himself. It was awkward. I don't know when you're supposed to say it really.”
“Well, do you love him?”
“I don't know? How do you know when you love someone?”
“It's just one of those things. You know when you know.”
“Do you love Andy?”
Ellen considered the question. “Yes, I think I do. I know my life would be worse off without him. Being with him makes me feel stronger, but also more vulnerable, but that doesn't scare me. I trust him with everything I have and I want to take care of him. I want to take on the world with him. I want to just be with him. It feels right, like we belong together.”
Kelly responded with a thoughtful murmur but, as she was wont to do, she changed the subject breezily. She said they'd better get a move on since they still had a murderer to catch. Ellen agreed, although she was a little annoyed Kelly still was being reluctant to give herself fully to her relationship. As far as Ellen was concerned she wasn't doing herself any good, but there was no way of telling her that as Kelly did whatever Kelly wanted to do.
Chapter 5
During the ride home Ellen held the file on her lap and continually glanced at the names. All of these people had interactions with Gary. What did they think of him? So far only Diana had anything positive to say about Gary, and even then it was with the caveat that other people didn't like him. Would it be the same with these patients? Would they all have found him irksome? These all were dangerous people and if only one of them had their rage inflamed by Gary then it would have proved deadly for him.
She found herself wondering more about the man with whom she had had only the briefest of conversations. She wished she had probed more, and had had more time to ask questions. What made this man, a man who, as far as she knew, lacked interpersonal skills, want to take on a role where he was responsible for treating other people? Was it just to make up for the trauma he had suffered in his own life, or was there something more? Was he lonely? Did he know he rubbed people the wrong way or was it something that was hidden from him? The only things she knew for sure were where he lived and how he died. So far the case had not revealed anything more to her but she hoped at least one of these names would be able to give her some clues about the way Gary lived his life.
As she scanned the names on the list her mind continued returning to the Napoleon figurine. She tried linking it to any of the names but nothing jumped out at her and it frustrated her. Usually she was so good at piecing these things together but there was so little information to go on she felt as though she kept banging into dead ends.
She and Kelly parted ways when they got back to East Pender.
“You want any help with those?” Kelly offered, but Ellen shook her head no.
“I think I'm just going to grab a hot drink and read through them, see if anything jumps out at me.”
She got out of the car and Scampy jumped down to the ground. She went to the cafe and greeted a few of the customers, then settled in the corner and read through the names properly. Of course, this all could have been a waste of time because there was nothing actually pointing to one of these as the killer yet, but at least she felt as though she was doing something productive. While she read through all the names she felt saddened that all these people needed help and had fallen on the wrong side of the law. She had been surrounded by so many crimes while she had been given a window into the darker parts of the human soul.
Instead of disappearing into the abyss herself it gave her a better appreciation for all the good in the world. It made her want to hold onto the love she held for Andy, Kelly, and Scampy. Still, it was saddening to think that not everyone could do the same and, for one reason or another, turned to crime. Gary had tried doing good in this world, had tried helping people through their struggles and yet, for all that, he had driven someone to the point where they had murdered him...But, why?...And how?...And who? These questions plagued Ellen as her eyes scanned the names, trying to find any sort of pattern or any tenuous link to the facts as she knew them.
However, short of contacting everyone on the list she didn't see how she would be able to narrow them down, and contacting everyone was taking up time that she could ill afford. There was a statistic that if the murderer wasn't found within a certain time frame then the case grew more and more difficult to solve. Andy had dealt with his failures before but since Ellen had begun her career as an amateur sleuth she had yet to taste the bitterness of defeat, and she wasn't about to start now. She had seen how deeply it had affected Andy and wondered how she would react if this killer went unpunished. Did it invalidate everything she did? She prided herself on bringing these people to justice, but if she failed it always would be a blot on her record and she always would look back on it with regret. As she thought about these matters her understanding of Andy grew, and she tried reminding herself of what she had told him. She already had chastised Kelly for not following her own advice, it would be churlish of her to not do the same.
There was of, course, the slim possibility it was simply a random killing, which would mean all the work she was doing was for naught. Yet, given there had been no other killings, she thought this unlikely. So she continued with the theory that it was someone who had been spurred on by some motive to kill the man.
To clear her mind, and to be good to Scampy, she went out for a walk and breathed in the fresh air. This often helped her to relax and free her mind and, of course, Scampy enjoyed it. While ruminating on the possibilities she thought about the people they had spoken to so far. She decided it would be best to speak to Diana again at some point but, other than that, there simply wasn't much information to go on. She walked slowly, and took her time to take in the sights and sounds of her surroundings. Now that she had seen West Callow she had a new appreciation for East Pender. She never really got a chance to get away from the town; since she had returned to look after her parents she never had had the urge to get away, and what with the cafe and the crimes she didn't have the time either. But from the architecture that hearkened back to the early days of the town, to the sounds of people chatting and laughing away, she realized how fortunate she was to be able to live in East Pender.
Ellen walked into the park and picked up a stick, then tossed it away. Scampy chased after it, his little legs moving quickly across the ground. He barked and growled as he picked up the stick and brought it back to Ellen's feet. She now had moved to a bench and was sitting down to relax and survey the area around her. Again and again she tossed the stick and Scampy brought it back. As people walked by they smiled and grinned at her, and sometimes Scampy would run up to them and wag his tail. Across the park Ellen saw small children feeding ducks and she lost herself in the moment, only interrupted when Matthew came up to her.
“May I join you?” he said. Ellen adjusted her position and welcomed him beside her.
“I actually was coming to see you,” he said, which she found surprising as the two of them hadn't really spent any time together on their own. For a few moments there was silence between them.
“Is everything alright?” Ellen asked, since Matthew hadn't said anything.
Scampy, who had been wrestling with the wide stick in his mouth, now came up to join them. When he saw Matthew he dropped the stick and placed his front paws on Matthew's legs, tail wagging furiously, and tongue lolling out, panting. He barked with delight and Matthew reached down to pet the dog on his head.
“He's really taken to you,” Ellen said with an impressed tone.
Scampy was a gregarious dog but there were some people he did not like at all, so she was pleased he approved of Kelly's beau.
“He's
a good boy,” Michael said, looking down at Scampy.
“So what did you want to see me about?” Ellen asked.
Michael had a solemn look on his face and it appeared that there was something weighing heavily on his mind. Since he came to her she assumed it was about Kelly, which he soon confirmed.
“I care about her a lot and I am so glad she came into my life because she's everything I ever wanted and I don't think I'd ever be happy without her.”
“So what's the problem?”
“Okay, I have something to tell you but you have to promise me you won't tell her. I know the two of you are best friends and you share everything, but I need you to promise me you won't tell her any of what we talk about.” He looked at her with plaintive eyes and in them Ellen saw the look of a desperate man.
“Of course,” she agreed, and Matthew visibly relaxed.
When he spoke again it was with great deliberation and every word dropped out of his mouth as though it was weighed down with an anchor.
“I would very much like to ask Kelly to marry me but every time we start talking about the future she seems non-committal and we never actually talk about anything of substance. I don't want to force the issue because I don't want to scare her off but at the same time I don't want to invest myself into something if she doesn't feel the same way. All I know is I'm ready to make a commitment to her and I'd just like to know why she's not in the same place as me. Is it just because she needs a bit of time or is it more than that and she's not feeling what I'm feeling? I thought I was past all this, you know? Things with Kelly started off so easily and it was all so laid-back and breezy but since we've become more serious there's been a bit of tension between us. I don't know what to do because she won't actually talk about it, so we just seem to be treading water.”
Ellen listened to his words intently. She almost wished she hadn't agreed to speak with him because it had placed her in a difficult situation. It would be difficult to keep this secret from Kelly, but it was even more difficult to know what to tell Matthew. Everything Kelly had told her had been in confidence, so she would have to choose her words carefully and diplomatically.
“I'm not asking for any inside information or anything like that. I'd just like some advice. You know her better than anyone and it's not like I really have any close female friends to talk to about this.”
His leg began jerking and it was clear he found this situation emotionally distressing. Ellen's heart went out to him for she knew the tumult of heartache. It only had been recently that Andy's ex had come to town and Ellen had been plunged into anxious despair. Swimming through the depths of the heart was a treacherous path and Matthew clearly was facing some angry waves.
“First of all, I think the best thing you can do is to be honest with her because if this is making you unhappy then you need to express that. Otherwise it's going to tear you up inside and it's only going to drive a wedge between you. But have you ever thought about why she is so guarded? Maybe you should try finding out what's making her pull away a little bit? I'm sorry I don't have any easy answers. I want to help you but I don't want to get involved in your relationship, it's too awkward for me.”
“I understand, and I'd love to ask her why she is acting this way but I don't feel like I can talk with her about anything. Whenever we start talking about anything real she shuts down and it makes it impossible to connect with her. Can you at least tell me if she's spoken to you about anything?”
“I'm sorry Matthew, I can't tell you anything other than what I've already said. This is something that has to be between the two of you. All I can tell you is that sometimes Kelly has periods where she detaches herself from the world. I think it's her artistic side. I don't know if that's what this is or if it's something else, but that's all I really can think of to help you. I do think the two of you are good for each other and I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. She's spoken often about how much she feels for you, so I wouldn't be too worried. I think it's just a matter of being gentle. It has been a long time since she's been in a serious relationship, so it might just be that she's trying to process it all.”
Matthew thanked her and he seemed a little reassured. “I did think about telling her I loved her once, but I looked in her eyes and I just froze. I didn't want to scare her or make things weird between us. But I don't want to have to be scared of my feelings, I just want to be happy.”
“I know, just trust in yourself and trust in her and it'll all work out for the best,” she said.
The two of them remained on the bench for a little while and then, when Scampy got restless, Ellen excused herself as she went to take the dog around the park again. Just before she was about to leave Matthew asked her why she did it.
“Did what?”
“Help all those people. You don't get paid for it, you put yourself in danger, and you have to put up with all these crimes and dark situations. Why?”
Ellen took a moment to consider her situation. It wasn't often people asked her why she did what she did. She had been doing it for so long now she didn't even question it herself. It was such a part of her it seemed natural, like it was her destiny, but to actually put into words why she was called to this existential purpose was a difficult task. So she searched her mind until words trickled through her lips.
“I suppose it started off because I saw someone in need and I wanted to help. Then it turned out that I was good at it and I had a skill that I hadn't tapped into before. I guess the same is true of Kelly, really. We managed to help catch a criminal. I'm not so arrogant to think that if we hadn't helped then they wouldn't have been caught but I do think we have made a difference and we've helped people. It's a pretty powerful drug and I know that if I didn't do something, if I didn't put my talents to use, then there would be people out there who would be in danger and would suffer. So I don't know how I could live with myself if I didn't. And trust me, I know about the danger and I don't take it lightly but...it's hard to explain. I just feel like this is something I have to do.”
Matthew had a thoughtful look on his face. “I asked Kelly about it as well. I was worried about her, you know. I didn't want her getting in over her head and when she was going out...I was so worried. It was alright when we were just looking for an heir but a murderer? That's different. But she told me she had to do it because it felt like she was having an immediate effect on the world, that she loved it when she caught someone and knew that she had done something good. I get the feeling that sometimes she finds it hard being an artist, and that she paints all those pictures but she doesn't get to see people appreciate them after they've bought them. She doesn't get to interact with the world through them. It's always pulling things out of her own soul and setting them free.”
“She doesn't give herself enough credit, though. I couldn't do this without her. She sometimes sees things that others can't and she has a way of looking at things that I never could. We're a good team and, hey, we have to do something with our free time, right?” she said with a smile.
“Listen, I know you're confused right now but just talk to her and this will work for you. You two work together and you're good together. You both care about each other and that's the most important thing. You'll be alright.”
Matthew smiled at this and thanked her before she walked away, but as she did so she thought about Kelly and whether her friend actually would return Matthew's feelings or not. Ellen deliberately had not mentioned the doubts Kelly had expressed, but secretly she was rooting for Matthew because she could see how being with him had made Kelly happy. However, she only hoped Matthew would not push too hard and she did fear marriage was perhaps too great a step. It's funny, Ellen thought. When she was younger marriage seemed to be the endgame for life and yet the older she had become the less important it had seemed.
Chapter 6
With no clear suspects or motive Ellen was being driven to her wits’ end. The list of patients was seeming endless. There were so many names sh
e didn't know where to begin, and the secret she had to keep from Kelly was tearing her apart. In some ways she found it annoying that Matthew came to her with this because it was unfair to ask someone to keep something from their best friend, especially when it was something as big as this. Not that Ellen blamed him entirely, since he didn't have anyone else to turn to about this. She also knew he needed some reassurance as well.
The whole thing would have been easier had the two of them simply spoken to each other, for Ellen didn't want to get caught in the middle. The secret made it difficult spending time with Kelly because Ellen always had tried being as open as possible with her. Deliberately hiding something so important was the very antithesis of what she thought a friend should be. Yet she desperately needed Kelly's help in going through the list, and in not going mad.
While the two of them spent time together they slipped into idle conversation. Ellen was glad for the distraction, but on many occasions she was forced to bite her tongue to not let the secret slip. However, Kelly noticed this, and the fact that Ellen continued trying to change the subject and bring the focus back to the case and started to tease her about it.
“Are you finally keeping a secret from me?” she said lightly.
“No, I just want to get this case solved so we all can move on with our lives and bring the killer to justice,” Ellen said sharply, hoping Kelly didn't see the burning red on her face.
Usually, Ellen had a good poker face but when it came to Kelly she found it impossible to hide anything, especially when it was something as big as this. Part of her, a big part, wanted to tell her everything, to help in her relationship and see it flourish. She knew Matthew was good for Kelly and only hoped Kelly saw that herself. But Ellen knew that interfering only would bring about more conflict and chaos, and did not want to make things worse. Anytime she felt she was about to blurt out something she remembered the pained look in Matthew's eyes and knew it was not her place to say anything. He had bestowed the secret upon her and now it was her duty to hold it close.