50 Ways to Play

by Debra

  As with most BDSM gear or toys, economical alternatives are available. All you need is a little imagination. For example, wooden clothespins and plastic paperclips can serve as nipple clamps. And remember your trip to the kitchen store (see #12)? Kitchen tongs come in different designs and materials. Tongs covered in plastic or rubber are best as there is less risk of piercing the skin. The dominant can use them to pinch the submissive’s nipples.

  16. Feel the Burn

  BDSM strives to deliver extreme, unexpected sensations to the submissive’s body. It relies on erotic anticipation, sudden discovery and sexual impact that blurs the distinction between what feels good and what doesn’t. Candle and wax play is a practice that is particularly pleasing to BDSM novices and experts alike. It involves dripping hot wax onto a submissive’s bare flesh, and watching the sudden shock of pain transform into lingering pleasure.

  If you are new to wax play, be sure to choose a properly wicked soy wax candle that is intended for sexplay. These melt at safe temperatures and, unlike candles made of beeswax or paraffin, will not burn the skin. Many of these are deliciously fragranced. Some contain wax that, once melted, can be used as massage oil and smoothed over the submissive’s body to spread warmth.

  To begin, the dominant can restrain his or her submissive to the bed in the supine position. Alternatively, the dominant can restrain the submissive in the seated position, with his or her wrists and ankles bound to a chair. The submissive should be blindfolded before he or she has knowledge of the dominant’s plans. The dominant should move silently to burn the candle until a pool of warmed oil appears, and then—without notice—drip some of the warm oil on the submissive’s skin. For maximum effect, the dominant should concentrate on the heavily innervated nipples, navel and inner thighs. Genitals should be avoided.

  17. When Ice Is Nice

  When applied to areas of naked, aroused flesh, temperature extremes can intensify sexual stimulation. A favorite activity of BDSM has the dominant drag an ice cube along the submissive’s body. The dominant may take an icy path from the submissive’s throat, down the chest and navel, and over and around the genitals of both sexes. A male dominant should pay extra attention to the breasts, slowly sliding the ice cube around each breast in turn, and then zeroing in to circle the areola, finally running the ice cube over the nipple.

  This type of temperature play can be maximized by alternating the ice cube experience with hot wax drippings (see #16). The contrast of warmth and coolness can also be exploited by placing a hot water bottle on a part of the submissive’s body or breasts, removing it, and gliding an ice cube over the area. A dominant can also have a submissive lie or sit on a heating pad, and then slide the ice cube over his or her genitals.

  Ice play can also complement spanking (see #12) and flogging (see #13) activities. When the dominant is finished inflicting such striking treatment on the submissive, he or she can glide an ice cube over the area of skin that was being spanked or flogged. It doesn’t just feel good, it minimizes swelling so that your coworkers don’t wonder why you’re sitting so funny in your chair. You know how that redhead in reception likes to start rumors.

  18. Glass Toys & Temperature Play

  Another way to engage in temperature play is to use glass sex toys. These are often made of Pyrex and, in addition to being able to retain both heat and cold, are hypoallergenic and ultra-hygienic. They come in a variety of shapes, sizes and colors and are the beauty queens of the sex toy market. In fact, many glass toys resemble pieces of Venetian glass art more than sex toys. If you leave one out by accident, you can tell your company that it’s a blown glass serpent you purchased from the gift shop in the Palazzo Giustinian. That’s way classier than saying it’s an anal probe you ordered online.

  Glass wands, dildos and probes—many designed to stimulate the G-spot in women and the prostate in men—are widely available and often boast pleasure-enhancing curves and bumps. BDSM players should have two on hand: one for heat and one for cold.

  To enjoy temperature play, the submissive partner should be restrained and blindfolded, preferably in the supine position. An under-the-bed restraint system (see #5) is ideal to restrain a submissive for this kind of activity, as it allows the dominant to hold the submissive’s body in a spread-eagle position: the legs are open, allowing access to the genitals, while also providing a great surface area to stimulate. Perhaps the most vulnerable of all BDSM restraint positions, this placement complements temperature play by maximizing the submissive’s sense of helpless expectation.

  Next, the dominant should heat one of the glass toys, either under hot running water or in the microwave, and chill the other, either under cold running water or in the refrigerator. The dominant should then stimulate the submissive’s nipples with alternating heat and cold before moving to the genitals and doing the same. The male dominant can twirl the tip of a warmed glass wand around his submissive’s clitoris and then retrace its path with the tip of a cooled wand. He can also use the warm tip of one glass wand to stimulate his submissive’s clitoris while he penetrates her vagina with the cool wand: he can then switch wands to reverse the temperature sensations that she is feeling.

  A female dominant can run a warm glass wand along the erect shaft of her submissive partner while simultaneously rolling a cool wand over the glans (head) of his penis. She can similarly switch wands to reverse the temperature effects he is experiencing. She can also stimulate his scrotum by rolling first the warm and then the cool wands over, under and around it. A water-based personal lubricant can help the wands glide more smoothly around the genitals.

  While glass toys feel exquisite, they can also be expensive. To see whether the glass experience is worth the investment, you can experiment by using relatively inexpensive glass jewelry—two long necklaces with large glass beads are best. The closer the beads are together, the better. This option will also fulfill your glass curiosity without having to visit a sex shop or make an online purchase.

  When you’ve found a couple of suitable glass-beaded necklaces, warm one of them in a bowl of heated water. Because not all glass can withstand temperature changes, and cheaper glass even less so, piping hot or boiling water is not recommended. This could cause the glass to crack and scratch the skin or genitals. The second necklace should be put in a cold bowl of water. Lower-quality glass will not retain temperature as long, so you’ll want to make sure that you put these naughty necklaces into action as soon as possible.

  Once the necklaces are at their optimal temperature, the dominant partner should smooth some personal lubricant onto the submissive’s genitals and then proceed to drag the warm beaded strand over and around the submissive’s genitals, quickly following this with the cool beaded strand. The dominant can also snake each beaded strand over the rest of the submissive’s body. Glass has a distinctive feel that can pleasure almost any erogenous zone. This kind of play nicely complements erotic torture (see #33).

  19. Talk Dirty to Me

  Do you think that dirty talk is all about words that start with F? Think again. Erotic language is a compelling, arousing element of a sex life. It isn’t all about profanity, although hard word choice can certainly capture a partner’s attention. As often as not, dirty talk is descriptive in nature. One partner might describe what they are feeling or fantasizing about, which in turn elicits an erotic response from the other partner.

  A dominant partner can use dirty talk to instruct the submissive on what sexual acts to perform, or to inform the submissive what sexual acts will be performed on him or her. More “degrading” language or names can be used as the sexplay dips into elements of rough sex (see #27), role-playing or humiliation (see #25). The dominant doesn’t have to do all the talking either: he or she can order the submissive to utter words or expressions that the submissive would not normally say. This brings a thrilling sense of power, vulnerability and exploitation to sex.

  Des
pite its erotic potential, many couples are hesitant to use dirty talk. Some are afraid of sounding ridiculous, while others just don’t know what to say. It may help to break down BDSM dirty talk into some of its basic elements.

  The Desire Long before sexplay begins, the dominant can reveal his or her BDSM desires or sexual plans for the submissive, thus giving the submissive plenty of time to anticipate—perhaps with erotic dread—what is to happen. This type of verbal foreplay builds expectation and excitement for both partners. The dominant may say something like, “I’m going to use you tonight,” or “You’re going to be sore when I’m done with you.” There is no reason to use graphic language at this point. In fact, sexual profanity often has better impact if used only during times of intense passion.

  The Order During BDSM play, the dominant can remain silent and simply move the submissive’s body into the positions he or she wants; however, most dominants verbally instruct the submissive regarding the sexual activities he or she wants to do (or have done). A dominant might say, “Open your mouth,” or “Suck hard.”

  The Description Dirty talk can be a way for BDSM partners to communicate during sex and to share what each of them is experiencing. Simple descriptive phrases like, “That hurts so good,” or “I can feel your tongue slide over my cock,” or “My nipples are throbbing,” are highly arousing to the listener, as they lend erotic insight into what a sexual partner is feeling. A dominant may describe his or her own sensations, or order the submissive to describe what she or he is experiencing.

  Smack Talk Some BDSM partners will occasionally use degrading language during sexplay. It is often meant to demean a submissive to complement fantasy role-playing or more intense BDSM scenes. A male dominant may call a female submissive a “whore” or a “bitch,” while a female dominant may tell her male submissive that he is “nothing but a cock.” This kind of language isn’t for everyone, but it does exploit the power imbalance and control dynamics that characterize BDSM play. That being said, degrading language or name-calling can create emotional problems and conflict if partners are not entirely consenting and informed, or if their relationship is not a happy and healthy one. The use of degrading language can cross into erotic humiliation (see #25) and must be discussed in advance and with as much seriousness as conversations about physical safety.

  The Buildup Dirty talk is an effective way to build orgasmic momentum. It lets partners communicate where they are in the arousal cycle—that is, how close they are to climax—and it also helps bring a partner to a sexual crescendo. A dominant may order a submissive to climax by saying something like, “I want you to come now,” or a submissive may say, “I can’t stop it—I’m going to come and it’s going to hurt.”

  The Release Talking dirty during orgasmic release provides sexy mood music to accompany and even intensify sexual climax. A male dominant might describe what he is feeling during release by saying, “I can feel it pumping out of me,” while his female submissive might say, “I can feel you filling me up—it feels so hot.”

  Voice tone is another element of dirty talk that should be considered. Dirty talk should be low, throaty and erotic. Remember: you’re reveling in sexual abandon, not placing an order at a drive-thru window. Your voice tone should suit the occasion. A dominant should speak with sexual authority and confidence. A submissive should speak with deference and, in certain BDSM situations, hesitation or dread.

  20. The Sounds of Sex

  BDSM can be a rough game. Loud groans, shrieks of pleasurable pain and heavy breathing should fill the room (or dungeon, as the case may be). A submissive who is being “taken” by a dominant can intensify the experience for both players by uttering pained, muffled moans or screaming. A dominant should let his or her vocal gasps, groans and grunts complement the slapping of his or her body against the submissive. Much BDSM gear is designed to add an auditory element to sex: paddles, whips, chains and even latex clothing all bring a distinct sound to sexplay.

  21. A Public Power Play

  Erotic domination isn’t restricted to the bedroom or BDSM dungeon. To maximize the allure and impact of the power imbalance between partners, couples may wish to occasionally play outside. This is an adventurous way to engage in BDSM foreplay.

  Happily, modern sex toy technology can keep a public power play as discreet as it is decadent. To play in this way, the dominant male partner should purchase a remote-controlled bullet vibrator for his female submissive (see #29). He should invite his partner out for dinner, but insist that she slip the small vibrator inside her body first. He, of course, will keep the remote control. During dinner, the dominant should play with the controls at his pleasure, subjecting his submissive to unexpected bursts of intense genital stimulation. Not only will the submissive’s body be randomly incapacitated and involuntarily aroused by the vibration, but the dominant can revel in the power he exerts over his partner, even—perhaps especially—in public.

  A remote-controlled “strap-on” bullet vibrator attaches to a woman’s panty and stimulates the clitoris. Worn outside her body, it is an alternative to an internal bullet vibrator. When choosing either item, look for a cordless model with quiet functioning and good range.

  22. BDSM Rituals

  In BDSM play, rituals are often performed to help partners transition from their regular roles as spouses, parents, workers and so on, and into their BDSM roles as dominant and submissive. Rituals can also help couples clear their heads of day-to-day distractions, so that they can immerse themselves in the experience and thus fully enjoy the erotic escapism of BDSM sexplay. Rituals can also serve as a form of foreplay by increasing sexual anticipation.

  Rituals should be tailored to a couple’s preferences and lifestyle. Some dominants may instruct their submissive to wear a certain item of clothing during the day, such as a specific pair of underwear or a pair of handcuffs under a long-sleeved shirt, so that sex stays on the submissive’s brain during his or her workday. A dominant may also order a submissive to prepare a specific meal or shave/trim his or her pubic hair in a certain way. Other couples may exchange X-rated email or texts to spark arousal (see #19). Still others may share a shower or bath together. Some female dominants will paint their nails deep red or purple to foreshadow BDSM play, thus sending a silent but ritualistic message to the submissive.

  23. What Should I Wear?

  Because of its striking visual impact, BDSM clothing can bring an extra sense of novelty to sexplay. A female dominant or submissive may want to wear high heels, stockings and a garter, a snug corset or even a saucy catsuit. Open-crotch panties, adhesive nipple covers (also called pasties) and open or cupless bras can visually arouse any man, dominant or submissive.Warning: There are no lace, frills or rose-petal designs allowed in BDSM. You’re a dominatrix, not a doily. More vamp, less Victoria’s Secret.

  A male dominant or submissive can wear a variety of boxers, briefs and G-strings that are designed to emphasize his erection. Women are constantly inundated with shiny images of augmented breasts, some lifted to such dizzying heights by anti-gravitational push-up bras that NASA could strap one of these puppies onto an astronaut and use it to simulate zero gravity. BDSM briefs for men, with their bulge-enhancing black latex, finally give the fairer sex some erotic eye candy.

  BDSM clothing can also bring added tactile enjoyment to sexplay. Leather, PVC, latex and even rubber clothing can all feel exquisitely sensual to both the wearer and his or her partner. Much of it is snug in just the right places. Many dominants delight in the feel of a submissive’s latex-clad body and such attire can help a submissive stay in character. Men’s underwear that is designed for the BDSM scene often adds feel-good friction to the genital area.

  Uniforms can also be worn during BDSM play to enhance fantasy role-plays. To complement a dungeon fantasy, a female dominant may wish to wear the classic dominatrix “discipline” corset dress, while her male submissive wears a latex jock. To enhan
ce a racy prostitute fantasy, the female player may prefer to wear a PVC vamp dress while her client wears a suit and tie.

  24. Voyeurism & Exhibitionism

  Voyeurism (a desire to watch an unsuspecting person undress and have sex) and exhibitionism (a desire to be watched as you undress or have sex) often play a part in BDSM. To engage the control dynamics of BDSM sexplay, a dominant may order a submissive to perform a sexual act in public. Obviously, this type of game should be extremely discreet and more fantasy than reality. For example, a female dominant might instruct her male submissive to stroke his genitals while driving on a deserted street, while a male dominant may tell his female submissive to expose her breasts. This rouses a sense of exhibitionism in a risk-free way.

  To play with the idea of voyeurism, some BDSM couples will attend strip or peep shows. Unlike pornography, this real-time, real-world experience has a greater element of voyeurism to it. A toned-down alternative is to visit online chat rooms and watch “live sex” via webcams. You only have to Google “webcam sex” and you’ll have a thousand to choose from. Again, the real-time quality of webcam sex rooms has a decidedly voyeuristic quality to it. To include a control component, the dominant may order his or her submissive to perform the same sex acts as the on-screen performers.

  25. Erotic Humiliation

  While not for everyone, erotic humiliation is a part of BDSM sexplay for some couples. It is considered “edgeplay,” the kind of activity that many players believe pushes the BDSM boundaries of Safe, Sane and Consensual (SSC). It can involve anything from making a person perform an embarrassing act in public to insulting their body. Mainstream couples may wish to use elements of humiliation in private and respectful play only, such as ordering a submissive to perform a sexual act or to masturbate (see #26).