Another Fine Myth ma-1

by Robert Lynn Asprin

The confident tone of his voice steadied my shattered nerve. We were in it now, and win or lose we'd just have to keep going.

  Quickly, I shut my eyes and removed Aahz's Garkin disguise.

  "Aahz!" cried Isstvan in delight. "I should have known it was you."

  "He's the one who…." Brockhurst began.

  "Do you two know each other?" Frumple asked, ignoring the Imp.

  "Know each other?" Isstvan chortled. "We're old enemies. He and a couple other scalawags nearly destroyed me the last time we met."

  "Well it's our turn now, right Isstvan?" smiled Higgens, leisurely reaching for his crossbow.

  "Now, now!" said Isstvan, picking.the Imp up by his head and shaking him gently. "Mustn't rush things."

  "Seems to me," Aahz sneered, "that you're having trouble finding decent allies, Isstvan."

  "Oh, Aahz," Isstvan laughed. "Still the sharp tongue, eh?"

  "Imps?" Aahz's voice was scornful. "C'mon, Isstvan. Even you can do better than that."

  Isstvan sighed and dropped Higgens back in his chair.

  "Well, one does what one can. Inflation, you know."

  He shook his head sadly, then brightened again.

  "Oh you don't know how glad I am to see you, Aahz. I thought I was going to have to wait until we conquered Perv before I got my revenge, and here you just walk in. Now don't you dare pop off before we've settled our score."

  "I told you before," Frumple interrupted. "He's lost his powers."

  "Powers. Hmph! He never had any powers," Quigley chimed in, baited from his frightened silence at the insult of having been ignored.

  "Well, who do we have here?" Isstvan smiled, looking at Quigley for the first time. "Have we met?"

  "Say Isstvan," interrupted Aahz. "Mind if I have some of that wine? No reason to be barbaric about this."

  "Certainly. Aahz." Isstvan waved him forward. "Help yourself."

  It was eerie listening to the conversation: apparently civilized and friendly, it had a cat-and-mouse undercurrent which belied the casual tones.

  "Watch him!" Frumple hissed, glaring at Aahz.

  "Oh Frumple! You are such a wart," Isstvan scolded. "Why you were the one who assured me that he had lost his powers."

  "Well, I think he makes sense," Brockhurst grumbled, rising and backing away as Aahz approached the table. "If you don't mind, Isstvan, I'll watch from over here."

  He sat on the bottom steps of the flight of stairs heading up to the mezzanine where Tanda and I were hidden. His tone was conversational, but it was clear he was only waiting for Isstvan's signal to loose him on the helpless pair.

  "Oh, you Imps are worse than the Deveels!" Isstvan scowled.

  "That's a given," Frumple commented dryly.

  "Now look, Frumple…." Higgens began angrily.

  "As to who this figure is," Frumple pointed to Quigley. ignoring the Imps. "That is Garkin's apprentice. He's the one who's been handling the magik for our Pervert since he lost his powers."

  "Really?" asked Isstvan eagerly. "Can you do the cups and balls trick? I love the cups and balls trick."

  "I don't understand," mumbled Quigley vacantly, backing away from the assemblage.

  Well, if we were ever going to have a diversion, it would have to be now. Closing my eyes, I changed Quigley's features. The obvious choice for his disguise was… me!

  "See," said Frumple pointing proudly. "I told you so."

  "Throckwoddle!" exclaimed the two Imps simultaneously.

  "What?" said Frumple narrowing his eyes suspiciously.

  I was ready for them. As the exclamations rose, I changed Quigley again. This time, I gave him Throckwoddle features.

  "Why, it is Throckwoddle," cried Isstvan. "Oh that's funny."

  "Wait a minute!" Brockhurst hissed. "How could you be Throckwoddle when we turned you into a statue before we caught up with Throckwoddle?"

  This set Isstvan off into even greater peals of laughter.

  "Stop," he called breathless. "Oh stop. Oh! My ribs hurt. Aahz, you've out-done yourself this time."

  "It's nothing really," Aahz acknowledged modestly.

  "There's something wrong here!" Frumple declared. He plunged a hand deep into his robe, never taking his eyes from Quigley. Almost too late I realized what he was doing. He was going for his crystal, the one that let him detect disguises. As the glittering bauble emerged, I swung into action.

  A simple levitation, a small flick with my mind, and the crystal popped out of Frumple's grasp and plopped into the wine jug.

  "Framitz!" Frumple swore, starting to fish for his possession.

  "Get your hands out of the wine, Frumple!" Aahz chided slapping his wrist. "You'll get your toy when we finish the jug!"

  As if to illustrate his point, he hefted the jug and began refilling the flagons around the table.

  "Enough of this insanity!" Quigley exploded.

  I winced at the use of the word "insanity," but Isstvan didn't seem to mind. He merely leaned forward to watch Quigley.

  "I am neither Skeeve nor Throckwoddle," Quigley continued, "I am Quigley, demon hunter extraordinaire! Let any dispute who dare, and man or demon I'll show him who I am!"

  This proved too much for Isstvan, who actually collapsed in laughter.

  "Oh he's funny, Aahz," he gasped. "Where did you find this funny man?"

  "You sent him to me, remember?" Aahz prompted.

  "Why so I did, so I did," Isstvan mused, and even this fact he seemed to find hysterically funny.

  The others were not so amused.

  "So you're a demon hunter, eh?" Frumple snarled. "What's your gripe anyway?"

  "The offenses of demons are too numerous to list," Quigley retorted haughtily.

  "We aren't going anywhere for a while," Brockhurst chimed in from the stairs. "And neither are you. List us a few of these offenses."

  "Well…" began Quigley, "you stole my magik pendant and my magik sword…."

  "We don't know anything about a magik pendant." Higgens bristled. "And we gave your so-called magik sword to…."

  "What else do demons do?" Frumple interrupted, apparently none too eager to have the discussion turn to swords.

  "Well… you bewitched my war unicorn into thinking he's a dragon!" Quigley challenged.

  "Your war unicorn is currently tethered in the stable," Higgens stated flatly. "Frumple brought him in."

  "My unicorn is tethered outside the door!" Quigley insisted. "And he thinks he's a dragon!"

  "Your unicorn is tethered in the stable," Higgens barked back. "And we think you're a fruitcake!"

  "Gentlemen, gentlemen," Isstvan managed to hold up his hands despite his laughter. "All this is quite amusing, but… well, will you look at that!"

  This last was said in such a tone of wonder that the attention of everyone in the room was immediately drawn to the spot he was looking at.

  Suspended in midair, not two hand-spans from Isstvan's head, was a small red dart with gold and black fletchings.

  "An assassin's dart!" Isstvan marveled, gently plucking the missile from where it was hovering. "Now who would be naughty enough to try to poison me from behind?"

  His eyes slowly moved to Brockhurst sitting casually on the stairs.

  Brockhurst suddenly realized he was the object of everyone's attention. His eyes widened in fright.

  "No! I… Wait! Isstvan!" he half-rose holding out a hand as if to ward off a blow. "I didn't… No! Don't. Glaag!"

  This last was said as his hands suddenly flew to his throat and began choking him violently. "Glaak… eak… urk…."

  He fell back on the stairs and began rolling frantically back and forth.

  "Isstvan," Higgens began hesitantly, "normally I wouldn't interfere, but don't you think you should hear what he has to say, first? "

  "But I'm not doing anything!" Isstvan blinked with hurt innocence.

  My eyes flashed to the other end of the mezzanine. Tanda was crouched there, her eyes closed. She seemed to be choking an invisible per
son on the floor in front of her. With dawning realization, I began to appreciate more and more the subtleties of a trained assassin.

  "You aren't doing anything?" Higgens shrilled, "Well, then do something! He's dying!" "

  I thought for a moment that the ludicrous statement would set Isstvan to laughing again, but riot this time.

  "Oh," he sighed. "This is all so confusing. Yes, I guess you're right."

  He clicked his fingers and Brockhurst stopped thrashing about and began breathing again in long, ragged breaths.

  "Here, old boy," said Aahz. "Have some wine."

  He offered Brockhurst a brimming flagon which the Imp began to gulp gratefully.

  "Aahz," Isstvan said sternly. "I don't think you've been honest with us."

  "Me?" Aahz asked innocently.

  "Even you couldn't have caused this much havoc without assistance. Now where is it coming from?"

  He closed his eyes and turned his face toward the ceiling for a moment.

  "Aah!" he suddenly proclaimed. "Here it is."

  There was a squawk from the other end of the mezzanine and Tanda was suddenly lifted into view by unseen hands.

  "Higgens!" exclaimed Isstvan, "Another one! Well, well, the day is full of surprises."

  Tanda held her silence as she was floated down to a chair on a level with the others.

  "Now let's see." Isstvan mumbled to himself. "Have we missed anybody?"

  I felt the sudden pressure of invisible forces and realized I was next. I tried desperately to think of a disguise, but the only thing that came to mind was Gleep… so I tried it.

  "A dragon!" cried Brockhurst as I floated into view.

  "Gleep!" I said, rolling my eyes desperately.

  "Oh now that's too much," Isstvan pouted. "I want to see who I'm dealing with."

  He gave a vacant wave of his hand, and the disguises disappeared… all of them. I was me, Quigley was Quigley, Tanda was Tanda, the Imps were Imps, and the Deveel was a Deveel. Aahz, of course, was Aahz. Apparently a moratorium had been declared on disguises… by a majority of one… Isstvan.

  I came drifting down to join the others, but my entrance was generally ignored in the other proceedings.

  "Tanda!" Isstvan cried enthusiastically. "Well, well. This is a reunion, isn't it?"

  "Bark at the moon, Isstvan," Tanda snarled defiantly.

  Quigley was looking at everyone else with such speed I thought his head would fall off.

  "I don't understand!" he whimpered plaintively.

  "Shut up, Quigley," Aahz growled. "We'll explain later."

  "That's assuming there is a later," Frumple sneered.

  I tended to agree with Frumple. The atmosphere, in the room no longer had even the semblance of joviality. It was over. We had lost. We were all exposed and captured, and Isstvan was as strong as ever. Whatever Aahz's secret weapon was, it apparently hadn't worked.

  "Well, I'm afraid all good things must come to an end," Isstvan sighed, draining his flagon. "Now I'm afraid I'll have to dispose of you."

  He sounded genuinely sad, but somehow I couldn't muster any sympathy for his plight.

  "Just one question before we begin, Aahz," he asked in surprisingly sane tones.

  "What's that?" Aahz responded.

  "Why did you do it? I mean, with as feeble a team as this, how did you possibly hope to beat me?"

  Isstvan sounded genuinely sincere.

  "Well, Isstvan," Aahz drawled, "that's a matter of opinion."

  "What's that supposed to mean?" Isstvan asked suspiciously.

  "I don't 'hope' we can beat you," Aahz smiled. "I know we can."

  "Really?" Isstvan chuckled. "And upon what are you basing your logic?"

  "Why, I'm basing it on the fact that we've already won," Aahz blinked innocently. "It's all over, Isstvan, whether you realize it or not."

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Just because you've beaten a sorcerer, doesn't mean you've beaten a sorcerer.

  Toth-Aamon

  "AAHZ," Isstvan said sternly, "there comes a time when even your humor wears a little thin."

  "I'm not kidding, Isstvan," Aahz assured him. "You've lost your powers. Go ahead, try something. Anything!"

  Isstvan hesitated. He closed his eyes.

  Nothing happened.

  "You see?" Aahz shrugged. "You've lost your powers. All of them. And don't look to your associates for help. They're all in the same boat."

  "You mean we've really won?" I blurted out, the full impact of what was transpiring finally starting to sink in.

  "That's right, kid."

  Aahz suddenly leaned forward and clapped Frumple on the shoulder.

  "Congratulations, Frumple," he exclaimed. "I've got to admit I didn't think you could do it."

  "What?" blinked the Deveel.

  "I'm just glad this squares our debt with you," Aahz continued without pause. "You won't try to back out on it now, will you?"

  "Frumple!" Isstvan's voice was dark with menace. "Did you do this to us?"

  "I… I…." Frumple stammered.

  "Go ahead, Frumple. Gloat!" Aahz encouraged. "He can't do anything to you now. Besides, you can teleport out of here anytime you want."

  "No, he can't!" snarled Higgens, and his arm flashed forward.

  I caught a glimpse of a small ball flying through the air before it exploded against Frumple's forehead in a cloud of purple dust.

  "But…." began Frumple, but it was too late. In mid-gesture his limbs became rigid and his face froze. We had another statue on our hands. "Good move, Higgens," applauded Aahz. "If it wouldn't be too much trouble, Aahz," interrupted Isstvan. "Could you explain what's going on here?"

  "Aah!" said Aahz, "therein lies the story."

  "This sounds familiar," Quigley mumbled. I poked him in the ribs with my elbow. We weren't out of this yet.

  "It seems that Frumple learned about your plans from Throckwoddle. Apparently he was afraid that if you succeeded in taking over the dimensions, you would implement price controls, thereby putting him out of business as a merchant. You know how those Deveels are."

  The Imps snorted. Isstvan nodded thoughtfully. "Anyway, he decided to try to stop you. To accomplish this, he blackmailed the four of us into assisting him. We were to create a diversion while he effected the actual attack."

  "Well, what did he do?" prompted Higgens. "He drugged the wine!" explained Aahz. "Don't you remember?"

  "When?" asked Brockhurst.

  "When he dropped that phony crystal into the jug. remember?"

  "But he drank from the jug, too!" exclaimed Higgens.

  "That's right, but he had taken an antidote in advance," Aahz finished with a flourish.

  "So we're stuck here!" Brockhurst spat in disgust.

  "You know, Aahz," Isstvan said slowly. "It occurs to me that even if everything happened exactly as you described it, you and your friends here played a fairly large part in the plot."

  "You're right, Isstvan," Aahz admitted, "but I'm prepared to offer you a bargain."

  "What kind of a bargain?" Isstvan asked suspiciously.

  "It's in two parts. First, to clear Tanda and myself from having opposed you in your last bid for power, I can offer transportation for you and your allies out of this dimension."

  "Hmm…." said Isstvan. "And the second part?"

  "For the second part, I can give you the ultimate vengeance to visit on Frumple here. In exchange, I want your promise you'll bear no grudge against the four of us for our part in today's misfortune."

  "Pardon for four in exchange for vengeance on one?" Isstvan grunted. "That doesn't sound like much of a deal."

  "I think you're overlooking something, Isstvan," Aahz cautioned.

  "What's that?"

  "You've lost your powers. That makes it four of us against three of you."

  "Look at your four," Brockhurst sneered. "A woman, a half-trained apprentice, a broken-down demon hunter and a Pervert."

  "Broken-down?" Quigley scowled.
>
  "Easy, Quigley… and you too. Tanda," Aahz ordered. "Your three are nothing to brag about either, Brockhurst. Two Imps who've lost their powers and a fat madman."

  Surprisingly, this seemed to revive Isstvan's humor. The Imps were not amused. "Now look, Aahz," Higgens began, "if you want a fight…."

  "You miss the point entirely, gentlemen," Aahz said soothingly. "I'm trying to avoid a fight. I'm merely trying to point out that if this comes to a fight, you'll lose."

  "Not necessarily," Brockhurst bristled.

  "Inescapably," Aahz insisted. "Look, if we fight and we win, you lose. On the other hand, if we fight and we lose, you lose."

  "How do you figure that?" Higgens asked suspiciously.

  "Simple!" said Aahz smugly, "If you kill us, you'll have lost your only way to get out of this dimension. You'll be stuck forever on Klah. By my figuring, that's losing."

  "We're in agreement there," Brockhurst mumbled.

  "Oh, stop this bickering!" Isstvan interrupted with a chuckle. "Aahz is right, as usual. He may have lost a couple of fights, both magical and physical, but I've never heard of anyone out-arguing him."

  "Then it's a deal?" Aahz asked.

  "It's a deal!" Isstvan said firmly. "As if we had any choice in the matter."

  They shook hands ceremoniously.

  I noticed the Imps were whispering together and shooting dark glances in our direction. I wondered if a deal with Isstvan was binding on the Imps. I wondered if a handshake was legally binding in a situation such as this. But most of all, I wondered what Aahz had up his sleeve this time.

  "Well, Aahz?" Isstvan asked, "Where is this escape clause you promised?"

  "Right here!" Aahz said, fishing a familiar object from inside his shirt and tossing it to Isstvan.

  "A D-Hopper!" Isstvan cried with delight. "I haven't seen one of these since…."

  "What is it?" Higgens interrupted.

  Isstvan scowled at him.

  "It's our ticket off this dimension," he exclaimed grudgingly.

  "How does it work?" Brockhurst asked suspiciously.

  "Trust me, gentlemen." Isstvan's distasteful expression gave lie to the joviality of his words. "It works."

  He turned to Aahz again.

  "Imps!" he mumbled to himself.

  "You hired 'em," Aahz commented, unsympathetically.