Revenge of the Nerd

by Curtis Armstrong

  But the Internet and gaming culture didn’t invent trolls. The creatures who abuse and bully the innocent are not a sign that Nerd Culture is corrupted. They are an indication of the failure of modern culture writ large. They are everyone’s problem, not just gamers’, not just nerds’. We’re doing our bit, though. Every time you see #Gamergate or #NoBullying, nerds are there. Every time you see a poster at a Comic-Con that says Cosplay Is Not Consent you are reminded that in the broader world, the Nerd Flag still flies.

  Nerds have had the last laugh in many ways and that is evidenced by people like Steve Jobs and Bill Gates. They represent legions: the nerds who, early on, locked themselves in their rooms to play endless hours of Atari or spent months perfecting their Pac-Man game. The first to learn how to code have become the champions of the world. Comic-Cons—once attended by the fringe—have become, for better or worse, the place where advertisers and corporations go to take the temperature of nations.

  Which brings me to dreams, which is a subject nerds know something about. When I was a boy I dreamed of being an actor someday. That’s a pretty banal sort of dream, but it beat dreaming of being an auto company executive or a banker, which were my only immediate role models. I never dreamed of being a nerd. That’s not something people aspire to. They’re nerds already or they’re not. They dream of other things because they’re nerds and that’s what they do.

  But here’s the amazing thing: I wound up actually becoming a successful actor, even if I only feel I’m a really good actor on very rare occasions. Whatever. It was still a dream that came true. And taking the big, broad view, my success as an actor was due to a string of movies that were recognizably nerdy and embraced by that culture. Revenge of the Nerds presented me with a huge break, but there was something ironic about it, too. Robert Carradine, nobody’s nerd, gets the role of his career playing a nerd, while Curtis Armstrong, a dyed-in-the-wool nerd, gets the role of his life playing the one character in the nerd house who wasn’t, by any but the loosest definition, a nerd.

  I also dreamed of being a husband and father. Maybe a less common dream, and though my first marriage didn’t work out, my first wife, Cynthia became one of my best friends ever anyway. And her husband, Christopher Reed, is another. They were to become Lily’s godparents and share a relationship with her almost as close as Elaine’s and mine. Lily refers to them as “my other parents.” So, there’s something to be said about that.

  But the marriage/parent dream never died. I kept dreaming, and the second try took and then some. I met Elaine Aronson, a writer and producer who has worked on legendary half-hour comedies from It’s Garry Shandling’s Show to Night Court to Roseanne and many more. We met defending an abortion clinic in Los Angeles from the depredations of an anti-choice hate group called Operation Rescue. I was an organizer, she a volunteer, and I hasten to add we were on the same side. She introduced herself to me as the best friend of Clare Leavenworth, who I knew well as Bruce Willis’s personal assistant. Elaine tried to set us up but figured after a while that I would be too much trouble for Clare, so she took me on herself. That’s my version of the story. She can tell hers when she writes her book.

  My eventual proposal of marriage—very eventual, to hear Elaine tell it; to me it seemed a little rushed—was kind of like Revenge of the Nerds itself: mixed reviews at the time, but now generally regarded as a classic. I arranged to take her to dinner one night at one of our favorite restaurants, but had secretly arranged to pack enough of her clothing and essentials for the weekend and spirited her away to San Francisco instead. The plan went perfectly, if I do say so myself. Tickets to that endlessly romantic city secretly procured, a room in a cozy bijou hotel, flowers and champagne on our arrival. We went to dinner at John’s Grill, famous in The Maltese Falcon for being Sam Spade’s favorite restaurant. (He had the lamb chops, but the steaks are good too.) It was here my perfect plan went a little awry. Having succeeded beyond my expectations in getting her to this point, I then realized I hadn’t really worked out what my proposal of marriage would sound like. It came out sounding like someone with a brain injury, as I stammered and yammered endlessly through arguably the most important lines I would ever speak. She somehow interpreted this incoherent babbling as a marriage proposal (millions wouldn’t) and accepted. We went off to City Lights Bookstore to celebrate because that’s what nerds do.

  My old mentor Terry Kilburn claims that in my Meadow Brook days I talked constantly about having children someday. I don’t recall that, but when Elaine and I finally had Lily, I realized that all the dreams of a fevered imagination paled next to her reality. She, too, was a nerd, but that is not always a given. Often the progeny of two-nerd parents will reject nerd life entirely. Not Lily. Scholar, bibliophile and music nerd, she, too, has dined on the lamb chops at John’s Grill.

  And my nerd journey continues, even if it is now Lily introducing me to books, films and music, instead of the other way around. As I approach the autumn of my years, if not exactly the sere and yellow, I find myself surrounded by young nerds, barely older than my own daughter, who see me as an honored veteran in the nerd wars, and keep me up to date on what everyone’s watching, listening to and playing.

  Thanks to them, I’m getting younger all the time.

  Nerds Rule.

  A very quiet birthday party. Only this pony showed up. Our house in Detroit, Michigan. Probably 1954. (Courtesy of the Author)

  A ski weekend, mid-sixties. Switzerland. Possibly Diablerets. “Go that way! Really fast. If something gets in your way, turn!” (Courtesy of the Author)

  1971. An early attempt at cosplay, thanks to an unhealthy obsession with A Clockwork Orange. (Courtesy of Elliott Milstein)

  Meadow Brook Theatre. A Midsummer Night’s Dream, my first professional job. With Suzanne Peters and Eric Tavares. Director Terence Kilburn. Rochester, Michigan, 1975 (Courtesy of Kresge Library Archives, Oakland University)

  Auditioning for Risky Business, my first film. From left, Raphael Sbarge, Bronson Pinchot, Brian Backer, and self. Backer, a fine actor, was later replaced by Tom Cruise. New York, 1982. (Courtesy of Paul Brickman)

  Camera rolls for the first scene in Risky Business. From left, Kevin Anderson, Raphael Sbarge, self, Tom Cruise, and Bronson Pinchot. July 7, 1982. (Courtesy of Warner Bros.)

  Revenge of the Nerds, Tuscon, Arizona, 1984. Director Jeff Kanew. (Courtesy of Interscope/20th Century Fox)

  Revenge of the Nerds. An on-set snap with Tim Busfield (Poindexter). (Courtesy of the Author)

  Clan of the Cave Bear, 1984, Director Michael Chapman, British Columbia. Some days, in the helicopter on the way back to base camp, I just couldn’t wait to get my makeup off. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Better off Dead, 1984. Director Savage Steve Holland. Snowbird, Utah. Wrap party on the last day of shooting. Alcohol was suspected. From left: Diane Franklin, John Cusack, self, Savage Steve Holland, Dan Schneider, Amanda Wyss, and Aaron Dozier. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Bad Medicine, 1985. On location in a pueblo in the South of Spain. From left, Alan Corduner, Gilbert Gottfried, and me singing, if memory serves, “If I Were A Rich Man.” Steve Gutenberg (background) does not join in. (Courtesy of the Author)

  One Crazy Summer, 1985. Director Savage Steve Holland. Cape Cod, Massachusetts. With John Cusack. Neither of us appear old enough to drink. I was 32. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Moonlighting, 1986. “Atomic Shakespeare.” Director Will MacKenzie. Los Angeles. At Universal Studios’ Court of Miracles with Allyce Beasley. (Picturemaker Productions/ ABC Television)

  Moonlighting. Curtis Armstrong Day, 1989. Stage 20. From left, Jon Ames and Bruce Willis hoist me into the lead car (with Miss Pacoima, partially obscured) for the parade around 20th Century Fox Studios. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Revenge of the Nerds 2: Nerds in Paradise, 1987. Director Joe Roth. Fort Lauderdale, Florida. From a photo shoot which accompanied a feature article in US magazine. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Ray, 2004. Dire
ctor Taylor Hackford. New Orleans. As Ahmet Ertegun, with Jamie Foxx as Ray Charles. The role garnered me some of the best reviews of my career, even though many mistook me for Clint Howard. Hair matters. (Courtesy of the Author)

  King of the Nerds, 2012. Craig Armstrong and Rick Ringbaak Executive Producers. Los Angeles. With Robert Carradine, in one of many incarnations over three seasons. Costumes by Robin Gurney. Makeup by the late and deeply lamented Branwyne Smith. (Courtesy of the Author)

  Supernatural, 2015. “Book of the Damned.” Director P. J. Pesce. Vancouver, British Columbia. Metatron, The Scribe of God, and everyone’s least favorite character on the show (at this point, anyway) on a memorable road trip with the Angel Castiel, Misha Collins. (Courtesy of Misha Collins)

  Supernatural, 2015. “All in the Family.” Director Thomas G. Wright. Exit Metatron. My last scene with Jensen Ackles and Jared Padalecki. (Courtesy of the Author)

  All for one … (Courtesy of the Author)

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  My editor at St Martin’s Press/Thomas Dunne is Brendan Deneen, and my advice to anyone starting out in the memoir racket is, get someone like him. Thanks, Brendan.

  This all began with my publicist, Laura Ackerman of AdvantagePR. It was she who said, “I think I know a lit agent in New York who might be interested in your book.…” Without her intervention, none of this would’ve happened.

  There was a time when I thought the last thing I needed was another agent. Then Matthew Elblonk came into my life. He guided me through the painstaking, and sometimes just plain painful, process of writing this book. He’s also very sound on The Beatles, which gave us something else to talk about when we needed it. To him and everyone at DiFiore, many thanks.

  Leslie Bruce came to me through Matthew, and it was due to her perseverance and help that I was finally able to produce a book proposal that not only sold, but initiated a bidding war from three publishing houses. Leslie is a truly gifted guide and counselor for a first-time writer.

  A lot of very dear and patient friends made this book possible. They spent a lot of time sitting with me, either in person or on Skype, recording hilarious, scandalous and sometimes tangled and contradictory recollections. The stories they shared were valuable, irreplaceable and sometimes unprintable. I hope to God I’ve done right by all of them:

  Paul Brickman, writer and director of Risky Business not only shared fascinating facts about the making of that film, but graciously allowed me to reprint pictures taken from my first audition for the role of Miles Dalby. It’s wonderful for an actor to have “behind-the-scenes” snaps of his first film, but I would say extremely rare to have extant pictures of him reading for it the first time. Thanks also to Paul for giving me my film career.

  Robert Carradine, Tim Busfield, Jeff Kanew, Brian Tochi, Larry B. Scott, Andrew Cassese and Julie Montgomery shared at least one three-hour meal talking the ups and downs of the Revenge of the Nerds films. Thanks to Robert Carradine, too, for his recollections of our lamented TBS series King of the Nerds. I was very fortunate to have met and worked with you all. Love you.

  Savage Steve Holland has, over the years, reminded me that it is possible to have friends in this business. Apart from Better Off Dead and One Crazy Summer, people have no idea how many times he’s hired me for projects when jobs were thin on the ground. Thanks, little camper.

  I flew to New York specifically to interview Allyce Beasley about our years on Moonlighting, and found her as funny and engaging and full of stories as ever. Our dinner at a little French bistro on the Upper East Side could’ve gone on forever as far as I’m concerned. Much love to you, my dear, as always.

  Roger Director, writer par excellence, and creator of the character of Herbert Viola on Moonlighting, gave me invaluable behind-the-scenes stories on the show and did so with the wisdom of thirty-five years’ perspective. I needed that. Thanks, Roger.

  Bronson Pinchot gave me permission to share some of his correspondence and recollections, for which I am truly grateful. I’m also grateful for the years of laughter and good memories. Thanks, Bronnie.

  Elliott Milstein has been my close friend, boy and man, for forty years or more. He makes an all-too-brief an appearance in this book, but as my unofficial editor, he was astonishingly helpful. He was the first to read the finished manuscript and the first to offer insightful suggestions on improving it. The bug has bitten us and we are now working together on a book about—who else?—P. G. Wodehouse.

  Genevieve Pearson also read an early draft of the book and her suggestions made the inevitable word slaughter when it came easier to endure.

  Every attempt has been made to assign credit to the photographs in this book. Many of them are from my personal collection. But I want to mention a few people whose help in tracking down some very early pictures was of enormous help: Photos of Meadow Brook productions came from the Meadow Brook Archive at Kresge Library, Oakland University, Rochester, Michigan. Ms. Dominique Daniel is associate professor of humanities, librarian for history and modern languages, and coordinator of archives and special collections at Oakland University’s Kresge Library. Shirley Pacquette is the university archive assistant. Thank you for the trip down memory lane!

  Very special thanks also to Charlene M. Kondrat, administrative assistant, principal’s office, at Berkley High School, for her help in researching photographs and who very kindly gave me a tour of the old alma mater.

  Thanks also to Rachel Lichtman, who leapt into the breech to supervise the photo session that produced the front and back cover of this book. Her expert advice and consultation was invaluable.

  Most of all:

  Special love and thanks to my father, Robert, my mother, Norma and my sister, Kristin, all of whom I suspect have been dreading this moment for years.

  To Cynthia Carle and Christopher Reed, our dearest friends. It took a village to raise us and we were it.

  I could write an entire book just on the subject of my daughter, the incomparable Lily Emma Armstrong. At the rate she’s going, someone will have to. In the meantime, however fleetingly she appears in this book, I’ll take this opportunity to say I love you and learn from you daily. Thanks for taking a chance on us as your parents.

  And to my wonderful wife and the love of my life, Elaine Aronson, with thanks for all the times she told me, “Oh, for God’s sake, the book’s fine! Can we talk about something else for a while?” When I met you I realized I’d actually been waiting for you all along. Luckily for you, you didn’t realize you were marrying beneath you until it was too late. Thanks for being my best friend.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  CURTIS ARMSTRONG’s show business career started with Risky Business. It was the first in a string of classic comedy films and TV shows, including Better Off Dead, One Crazy Summer, TV’s Moonlighting, and, most significantly, Revenge of the Nerds, in which he played the iconic role of Booger. Since then, Armstrong has appeared in films and TV shows, including Supernatural and New Girl. He co-created and co-hosted the hit comedy-reality show King of the Nerds, which brought his nerd narrative full circle. You can sign up for email updates here.

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  CONTENTS

  Title Page

  Copyright Notice

  Dedication

  Foreword

  Introduction

  Detroit

  1964: Through the Magic Door

  Geneva: 1964–1967

  1967: A Seat at the Spazz Table

  1971: The Nerd Emerges

  High School: Detroit 1969–1972

  College

  The Academy of Dramatic Art

  Meadow Brook Theatre/Roads
ide Attractions: 1975–1976

  Entr’acte: New York—1976

  Risky Business: Chicago, 1982

  Revenge of the Nerds: Tucson, 1984

  Clan of the Cave Bear: Vancouver, British Columbia, 1984

  Better Off Dead: Los Angeles and Utah, 1984

  Bad Medicine and One Crazy Summer: Spain And Cape Cod, Ma. 1985

  Moonlighting: Los Angeles, 1987–1989

  Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise: Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, 1988

  Entr’acte What is a Career?

  Supernatural/New Girl: Vancouver/Los Angeles

  King of the Nerds: Los Angeles, 2013–2016

  Afternerd