Mystery of Merlin and the Gruesome Ghost (Humpty Dumpty Jr., Hardboiled Detective)

by Paul Hindman

  “It’s okay, kid,” I said. “Just breathe.” I felt tired too, but Rat had a lot more magic in him than I did, so I figured he was more sapped by Mordred.

  I pulled the wand from his limp hand.

  I spun and faced Mordred. “Okay, Buster,” I said, furiously. “I’m gonna do what I swore to the Cloud Gnomes of Xanadu (who gave me this wand) I’d never do! Too dangerous!” I pulled up my trench coat sleeves and waved my wand in circles.

  Mordred yawned.

  I stated confidently, “I’m gonna use my ‘Ultra-Strength Boo-Doo Doo-Doo’ magic. A spell so powerful that no one’s had the guts to use it... until now!”

  “Fascinating,” Mordred said with a smirk.

  I twirled my wand all fancy, circling it in the air, tapping out impressive showers of magic sparks.

  “A hooba-hoo,” I shouted. I jumped around on one leg. “Hippity-hokey-pokey!” I spun around with a hop.

  “Will this take long?” Mordred asked, bored.

  “Hey,” I said, “a big spell like this takes a serious build-up.”

  I went for the big finish, jumping, twisting, spinning, moving closer and closer to Mordred.

  This had to work.

  “Hey shimmy shammy with a fat whimmy whammy!” I shouted.

  Mordred’s wand crackled with all the magic power he’d stolen from Rat. “I’m ready,” he exclaimed, taking his stance.

  “Good,” I shouted and SLAMMED my wand, hard, onto his.

  His weapon spun from his grasp and I snatched it out of the air.

  “NOOOOO!” Mordred screeched, lunging for me.

  I head-butted him, and Mordred staggered.

  “Without your wand,” I said, “you’re nothing but a skinny doofus in a tin can.”

  “Wrong, Egg!” Mordred snarled.

  Then I heard the sound of knuckles cracking! Huge, hairy, barely-human knuckles. In armor.

  Lily shrieked and ducked behind me.

  “You need help, Boss Flush?” Toothless Moe’s booming voice boom-boxed.

  I spun, and found myself glaring at a door full of Potty Mouths—gargantuan armored knight hoods!

  Knock-Out Louie carried an iron mace no smaller than a cast-iron stove.

  More than twenty canned hoods clamored into the room like a clanking freight train.

  “Perfect timing, Toothless,” Mordred said. “And now, Egg-head, you learn my final secret. I am Mordred...and I am also ‘Royal’ Flush. The leader of the Potty Mouth Gang.”

  “Ulp.”

  Chapter 20

  Once, and Future

  I couldn’t take all these guys! They were tough street fighters. I had the wand, but...

  Mordred howled, “It is my destiny to wield Excalibur. No one can stop me!”

  My best bet was to keep him talking.

  “So,” I casually stated, “you’re the secret boss behind the biggest robberies in this town?”

  “Certainly, I needed money to develop my armor,” Mordred said. “Science is expensive. I’ve been poor all my life! And New Yolk owes me!

  “It was delightful putting the squeeze on the mayor and his council. And all their businesses. And every joe on the corner. Squeeze them for all they’ve got!”

  “So,” I said, “you couldn’t pull the Sword, but you wanted to rule anyway, huh? Is that why you’re ‘Royal’?”

  Mordred snorted. “Life is a high-stakes poker game,” he said. “And a Royal Flush beats everything! I own this city!

  “When I gain Excalibur, then the fireworks will begin. I have an armed strike force ready to bring New Yolk City to its knees. Then on and on, one city after another, until my army takes over the continent. Then I, the glorious king wielding Excalibur, will rule the WORLD!”

  I flashed a glance at the Sword in the stone. My brain was itching, like Excalibur was trying to tell me something.

  “You want we should scramble him?” Knock-Out Louie asked.

  “I want him pounded into powdered egg,” said Mordred.

  Louie swung his giant mace.

  Moe swung his magical flaming axe.

  Yikes! I barely spun out of the way.

  Time to try the wand.

  “Sha-Boom!” I shot out my best attempt at a shrink spell over the lot of ’em. Instead of shrinking the attacking mob, my spell only managed to spew a lovely shower of skunk spray.

  “Ulp.” A ‘stink’ spell.

  Louie covered his face with his arm. “P.U.!! Who cut the cheese?” The goons frantically waved the air, weapons slashing everywhere.

  The stink slowly faded away, and Knock-Out Louie stormed over. “You still want we should pummel ’im to powder now, Boss?”

  “No,” Mordred crooned, “changed my mind. Chop him into egg salad!”

  Toothless Moe bellowed, “Who’s got mayo?”

  “Wait, wait,” I shouted.

  Rat was trying to get to his feet. He still looked white and shaky.

  Sorry, kid, for what I was about to do.

  “Rat,” I called, pointing at him. “It’s time to draw the Sword, and destroy these flunkies!”

  Mordred screamed fiercely, “Don’t let him near the Sword. Not yet!”

  Rat didn’t even have time to blink before a football-team’s worth of armored hoodlums dove on him.

  I grabbed Lily and pulled her to the Sword.

  “Lily,” I whispered fiercely. “Draw the Sword.”

  “What?” Lily gasped. “The Sword? But Rat?”

  “You gotta do it!” I encouraged her.

  Lily. The Sword. Glowing every time Rat got close to it. But, every time, Lily was with Rat.

  And just a few moments ago, the Sword had been dark...until Lily got here!

  Lily, whose mother looked like Mordred.

  Lily, who has a family ring with a dragon emblem.

  I’d almost missed it: who says the Once and Future King has to be a boy?

  Princess Lily stood there, hesitant, reaching for Excalibur.

  She grasped the hilt.

  Taking a deep breath, she pulled at the Sword.

  Smoothly, cleanly, with a ringing CLING, Excalibur came free of the stone!

  Mordred whirled. “No! Impossible.”

  Toothless Moe bellowed, “Hardy-har, Boss. Don’t sweat it. Dis puny peanut can’t do diddley, even wid thirty swords.”

  Mordred laughed. “Give me Excalibur, janitor’s daughter. You’re unworthy.”

  With a wily sneer, he strode toward Lily.

  I dove at Mordred. Knock-Out Louie smashed his mace in front, blocking me.

  Snarling like ravenous hyenas, Mordred and several thugs closed in on Lily.

  Her back was now to the wall. Trapped.

  Princess Lily lifted Excalibur.

  “I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Lily cried out. She looked at me and Rat in our desperate trouble. “I’m...I’m just going to help my friends.”

  Lily raised the Sword higher. Excalibur glowed brighter and brighter. The light shattered into a thousand sunbeams. It drowned Lily in its brilliance.

  Before our startled peepers, Lily changed. The Sword changed.

  Liquid steel crept up her arm like vines, growing from the Sword. The steel encased her hands, her arms, all the way up her body and down her legs.

  In armor. Bright, glittering armor.

  Lily’s face was hidden by a fierce dragon helmet.

  She grasped Excalibur and stepped forward. She radiated dangerous power.

  In a voice that was Lily’s, but also wasn’t, the figure spoke: “We are...Excalibur!”

  We all froze, staring at the glowing silver figure.

  What had Mordred said about Excalibur? ‘There’s never been a weapon like it’?

  “G-get her, boys!” Mordred croaked.

  Lily/Excalibur was a spinning engine of mayhem, spanking –tripping–bonking the hoods unconscious.

  But Lily didn’t hurt a soul. She dented a few noggins with the flat of her Sword, but never stabbed or cut.


  She twirled Mordred, the Once and Future Wimp, till he turned green.

  Slowly, the steel creature morphed into our soft-faced, gentle Princess Lily again.

  She wobbled and leaned against the stone. “Whoa,” she panted.

  Rat said, wobbly himself, “Wicked.”

  The sound of wheezing reached us from the crystal of Merlin’s prison.

  Then, a voice: “Wart. Help me, Wart!”

  Lily looked at the figure trapped in the crystal.

  “I...I guess I’m Wart,” she said. She smashed the prison full-force.

  The shattering gemstone sprayed the room with chunks of glowing crystal.

  The skinny guy in old underwear stumbled out of the smoke and crystal debris.

  This was Merlin.

  He had this aura of terrific power.

  His eyes held the wisdom of centuries.

  Even with no beard and wearing raggedy long-johns, you could tell he was the real deal.

  The befuddled wizard gazed blankly around his office. “God’s whiskers,” he muttered. “This place is a mess.”

  Rat looked at the ancient magician, and admiringly said, “Man, this is one crazy school. And that’s the place for me.”

  Chapter 21

  The Queen

  Lieutenant Rosebriar huffed and snuffled as he snapped the cuffs on “Royal” Flush and rounded up the Potty Mouth Gang.

  “Gotta say, Dumpty,” the lieutenant bellowed, “this time you didn’t gum it all up.”

  That’s the closest I’ll get to a compliment from Lieutenant Rosebriar.

  And Rosebriar, with great satisfaction, dragged Mordred’s skinny carcass (a patrolman toting his ghost armor) to the paddy wagon and zoomed off.

  On returning to Merlin’s office, we found the wizard robed again, his beard full and hair long.

  Merlin, Lily, and Prince Balto visited quietly by the stone. Nurse Punnymany towered over the group.

  Balto, thin and pale, held his daughter close.

  He smiled at us.

  Dugal Farthing and some of the other princes scrambled to see the new celebrity.

  I said, “So Lily’s the new King Arthur, huh?”

  Merlin looked bewildered. “Ahem...that is...so it seems,” Merlin said. “Excalibur.”

  “Weren’t expecting a girl?” I asked.

  “I’m over a thousand years old,” Merlin said. “I’m a little old-fashioned. Mordred did me a great favor. He was the one who admitted Lily into the Institute. I was focusing so hard on finding a king that I almost overlooked our Queen...” His voice faded.

  Lily shyly smiled.

  “Well, this should be interesting for everyone then,” I said.

  Excalibur glowed brightly. Lily lifted the Sword, puzzled. Somewhere, in between the shimmering lights of the Sword, we began to make out...

  Rat, in awe, whispered, “Not another ghost!”

  But it was.

  A glittering shade of a young, pretty woman, dressed as a queen.

  Balto gasped, “It...can’t be...” He stumbled back and slumped against the wall.

  “Poppa?” Lily ran to him.

  The ghost followed.

  “Interesting,” said Merlin.

  Lily stared at the vision, wide-eyed.

  The vision spoke. “Look how you’ve grown.” Ghostly hands reached toward Lily.

  The ghost said, “It’s me. Your mom!”

  Lily’s eyes grew wider. She slumped down next to her father.

  “Gwyneth?” Balto whispered. “How...”

  “I’ve come for Lily’s Coronation,” the ghost said softly. “All the Pendragons get to come.”

  “Ah,” said Merlin.

  “Pen...dragon?” Lily said.

  “Honey, this Mordred, who you defeated today, is my older brother.” The ghost wrinkled her nose in disgust. “He was always a cruel bully.

  “My whole family was cruel. Always blabbing on about their bloodline and family history. But they totally ignored our ancestor Arthur, who they believed was a weak fool. They started counting the generations from Mordred. As if being descended from him was anything to be proud of! My brother was the worst!”

  Gwyneth placed her transparent hand on Lily’s.

  “Even as a young kid, Mordred was a devious criminal, and a gifted scientist. He pulled all kinds of robberies and jewel heists, blackmail. And he always got away with it!

  “I finally ran away when I was seventeen. I only took one thing with me when I left. Arthur’s ring.”

  Lily gasped and drew out her ring on its chain.

  “That’s the Pendragon,” Gwyneth whispered, tracing a ghostly finger along the dragon on Lily’s ring.

  Gwyneth reached out toward the prince. “Then I met dear Balto. I never told him anything. I couldn’t.” She turned back to Lily, “I’m so proud of you.”

  I shook my head and blinked. The walls of the office seemed to fade away; we stood suddenly outside, but not on the Institute Grounds.

  We stood in an old, old forest.

  The green surrounding us was too green for modern eyes. A green that doesn’t exist anymore.

  I poked Rat and said, “Do you see that?”

  Moving slowly through the dense trees and dappled by the leafy light, arrived dozens of...

  “What? Who?” asked Rat, his jaw dropping.

  “Ghosts.”

  They were more than outlines, but made of lines thin as cobweb.

  “Ghosts,” Rat said, breathless.

  These ghosts were all dressed in:

  Long robes;

  Suits of armor;

  Crowns, jewelry, and lances.

  Queen Gwyneth and Prince Balto stood on either side of their daughter.

  Merlin spoke in a full, rich voice as each ghost approached Princess Lily and knelt:

  “Queen Guenevere of Camelot.”

  I whispered, “Good-lookin’ dame.”

  Rat whispered, “Yeah. All shiny.”

  “Sir Lancelot du Lac.”

  His face looked like an ugly rock with chiseled eyes.

  “Sir Gawain...”

  Each and every Knight of the Round Table was there.

  And then, every ghost turned and raised sword, lance, and kerchief:

  “The Once and Future King, Arthur Pendragon!”

  A bent, weathered ghost stepped before Lily.

  The king was actually pretty young when Mordred killed him. I guess he just looked old, bowed with cares.

  Arthur weakly bent his knee.

  He said in a gravelly voice, “Your Majesty.”

  A figure lurked on the shadowy outskirts of the crowd. A young man with black hair and burning eyes. He wore black armor, and it looked like there was a gash in the breastplate.

  The figure turned away into the forest, and vanished.

  ‘Hmm,’ I wondered. ‘The first Mordred?’

  King Arthur slowly, shakily, raised his hands to his head. I saw, on his ghostly right hand, the ghost-ring of the Pendragon.

  He removed his ghost-crown, and placed it on Lily.

  The shade of Arthur slowly wafted away.

  “All hail Princess Lily,” Merlin cried. “Our Once and Future Queen.”

  All the ghosts shouted, “Huzzah! Huzzah!” and then slowly faded away along with the forest.

  Gwyneth smiled happily at Queen Lily then paled to nothingness.

  We were back in Merlin’s office.

  I noticed Lily’s new crown was now solid, gleaming.

  Rat said, “So, Your Highness, where’s your kingdom? Hey, I just heard there’s a job in the Mayor’s Office!” He snickered.

  “Hmmmm,” said Merlin. “That may be a good place for the new queen to begin her reign. The Sword Excalibur appears when humanity needs it most. The world is certainly in dire straits these days, and that’s a fact.

  “New Yolk City itself must play an important role in the future of all mankind.”

  Lily said, “The new Camelot?”


  Merlin replied, “Indeed.”

  Rat said, “Not too much pressure, huh?”

  “But what if I can’t do it?” Lily asked.

  I said, “Figure it this way—King Arthur’s reign busted up after the battle against Mordred. And, now, your reign jump-starts, and you’ve already slam dunked that ugly business. You won. Sounds like you’re the Big Cheese to me.”

  Rat slapped her on the back. “Chill, Queenie-girl. You’ll be super!”

  Then he snapped to attention, saluted, and said, “I’m calling you, ‘The Once and Future Wart.’”

  Lily giggled, for the first time since we met her.

  Epilogue

  And that’s how it played out. Merlin took Lily down to City Hall, and Lily flashed the Sword. There’d been so much mess around there lately, with the arrests and all, everyone was glad to dump all the problems into someone’s lap.

  So Lily (with Merlin looking over her shoulder) is our new Mayor.

  New Yolk went all out and embraced Queen Lily Pendragon, the Sword, the whole shebang.

  The city threw a parade.

  Before Rat and I knew it, we were swept up by the crowd. “Major Excellent,” Rat screeched, as we plopped onto a horse-drawn Royal Carriage.

  The weather in New Yolk City was gorgeous!

  Lily, holding Excalibur, was first-class beautiful, in her shiny crown and big, happy smile.

  She waved at the crowd, and gazed at her dad. Balto stood next to her, dressed to the hilt in his classy duds.

  Merlin, Rat, and I shared the bumper seat at the back of the Coach of Honor.

  Rat said, “That wraps up another case. Write it down, Humpty: ‘The Mystery of Merlin and the Once and Future Wart’.”

  I chuckled. “Better just make it, ‘The Mystery of Merlin and the Gruesome Ghost.’ Don’tcha think?”

  “Whatever.”

  I shouted over to Merlin, “Thanks for letting Rat into your school!”

  “I’m sure it will be...most fascinating,” said Merlin, glancing at Rat. The old wizard’s eyes sparkled.

  “So that’s one problem down,” I said. “But let me ask you this: How did you transport your entire castle here? How did we get into that old forest? And, most importantly, how am I gonna get Rat to take a bath?”