Separation

by Louise Lyons

  I twisted out of Jaz's arms, turning my back to him. He pressed closer again, grinding against my ass, and moved with me as I stepped toward Tam.

  “Are you okay?” I mouthed the words rather than yell above the music. The blond took his hand off Tam and reached for me instead, snatching a fistful of my shirt to pull both me and Jaz even closer. My body pressed up against Tam's, erection and all. He wasn't hard; not at all. It was the first thing that registered before I tried to pull back, embarrassed.

  “Yeah, but I've had enough.” His response was just loud enough for me to catch. “I can find my own way back to your house if you want to stay. You look like you're enjoying yourself.”

  My dick throbbed, and I put my hands on his hips to pry myself off him, but the blond had a vise-like grip on my shoulder, and Jaz seemed to have no complaints. He continued grinding against my back, hands on my waist.

  “Sorry.” I meant I was sorry for my embarrassing arousal that Tam couldn't possibly miss now it was crushed against his stomach.

  “It's fine. You said you hadn't done this in a while.” He pressed his mouth to my ear and his warm breath sent a shiver down my spine. “Your bloke's really hot.”

  “Yeah. But I… I won't, um…” I slid my hands from his hips to the middle of his back, unable to hold myself off him with the weight of Jaz behind, and the blond pushing Tam forward against me. “Sorry,” I muttered again. “Um, we'll both go. I didn't, um, come here to…” I breathed in hard. Jaz rubbed his cock against my ass, and Tam—Tam was suddenly half hard. The loose-fitting jeans he'd borrowed from me couldn't disguise it, and he gyrated his hips, grinding against me. My cock throbbed, and I clenched my teeth to suppress a moan.

  “Oh, yeah. Four-way,” Jaz said in my ear. “You up for this, Matt?”

  “No!” Coming to my senses, I shrugged him off and snatched my hands from Tam as if he'd burned me. What the fuck just happened? Tam looked at me in horror, and a second later jerked free of the blond and fled for the exit.

  “Sorry, I thought—” Jaz touched my shoulder. “You seemed to be into it and he was hot, too. Why don't you and me go somewhere? My place isn't far from here.”

  “Um, no. I'm sorry to mess you around. Gotta go.” I pushed through the dancers to get off the floor, and followed Tam. Near panic had my heart racing like I'd run a marathon, and my knees weakened as I burst out of the club into the street. Shit. He got hard dancing with me and I liked it!

  I halted a few yards from the club and leaned against the wall, breathing fast and clenching my fists. I couldn't see him anywhere and I had no clue what I'd say to him if he was right in front of me. We'd grown so close in just a few days—almost like we hadn't been apart our whole lives—but suddenly we were a little too close for comfort. A complete accident, and yet…

  I groaned aloud and wrapped my arms around myself, shivering in the warm evening. Thoughts tried to creep into my mind and I struggled to shut them down. I didn't want to think about what happened, or ask myself why it had. But I couldn't stop the questions. What would have happened if I hadn't pulled away? He wasn't hard with the blond guy, but then with me pressed up against me, he was… he was grinding against me and my dick loved it. But that was from the feel of Jaz rubbing himself against my ass, and the thought of sucking on his piercing later. Wasn't it? I turned to face the wall and kicked it hard enough for the pain in my toes to make me hiss.

  “He's my twin,” I said under my breath. “That's just sick. What kind of a perv am I?”

  I didn't know how long I stood there against the wall, kicking, cursing, and cringing, but eventually someone asked me if I was okay and I moved away. I wasn't okay. Far from it. Tam, my twin, I reminded myself yet again, got aroused. With me. And he was… exactly my type. I should have gone home with Jaz after all. I didn't generally bottom, but that piercing had me intrigued and I might have made an exception. Maybe he'd have fucked some sense into me.

  Tempted to go back to the club and look for him, I remembered his sparkling dark eyes, the smell of him, the feel of his body against mine, and I heaved a sigh of relief. He'd had me on the point of coming in my pants from mere minutes in his arms. The feel of anything else would have excited me. Of course it wasn't Tam I wanted. And he probably got hard from Jaz being so close. He'd said Jaz was hot.

  “Stupid,” I muttered. “All in my head.” Abandoning the club, I made my way to the Tube station. It was still early enough to get a train back to St. Albans and Tam would probably be waiting there. We'd laugh about it and forget it ever happened.

  I'd almost convinced myself it was behind me by the time I reached the main station at King's Cross. The next train to St. Albans wasn't in the station yet. I scanned the vast area, doubting I'd find Tam, but I spotted him easily, sitting at one of the tables on the upper level. I sprinted up the escalator and went to join him. He was staring into a paper coffee cup, and didn't notice me until I pulled out the other chair and sat down at the tiny table. He flushed scarlet and hung his head lower.

  “You okay?” I had to force the words out and my voice croaked. I cleared my throat, trying unsuccessfully to banish the feel of him against me from my mind. What the hell was wrong with me?

  “Yeah.”

  A long silence stretched between us, Tam fidgeting with his coffee cup and not drinking any, me fiddling with my shirt buttons. I couldn't think of a thing to say to him, but finally he spoke again.

  “You didn't have to come after me. You liked that guy, didn't you?”

  “Yeah, but… you're, um, my guest. It wouldn't have been fair to ditch you.”

  “I'm not your guest. I'm your brother!” Tam snapped. Was he trying to convince himself of that, or me?

  “Hey.” I reached for his hand, then snatched mine back and folded my arms.

  “I'm sorry.” He looked up at last and met my eyes.

  “For what?”

  “You know. It was, um—”

  “Jaz. I know.”

  “Right.”

  “Forget about it. It was nothing.”

  “Yeah.” Tam leaned back in his seat and folded his arms, mirroring me. Again, we sat in silence until the booming voice over the speakers announced the arrival of the train that would take us home. As one, we scraped back the metal chairs and got to our feet.

  The half-hour journey dragged, neither of us speaking. Tam sat by the window, staring out into the darkness, and I gazed blankly at the seat in front of me, wondering if that one moment had ruined everything. Over the past few days, I'd talked more than I'd probably talked in ten years. We even finished each other's sentences like twins I'd read about. My parents had thought it hilarious, and on several occasions, had told Tam he didn't need an invitation, but should treat their house as his second home. If he wanted to turn up and stay, he'd always be welcome. Now we couldn't find anything to say to each other. I feared he might leave the next day and never speak to me again.

  Chapter Seven

  Matthew

  “This is stupid. If you won't let me drive you, at least let me get your ticket. It's nearly a hundred and fifty quid!” I stared at the train schedule in horror. “Plus it takes all day.”

  “The last part's by bus. It's fine. If you drive me, it'll take you all day there and back.” Tam was just as stubborn as me, and I had no doubt he was being that way because of what happened the night before. We hadn't spoken a word to each other except for “good night,” and breakfast with my parents had been a nightmare. He avoided looking at me and talked mostly to my mother. I was desperate to sort it out, but he wouldn't give me the opportunity.

  “You can't afford it.” I sighed heavily and pulled a wad of notes from my wallet. “Please let me pay for it.”

  “No. Thanks, but no. I have the money. You gave me a phone, clothes, and paid for drinks and trains yesterday. It's too much.”

  “We're family,” I protested. “You'd help me out if I needed it. Wouldn't you?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Wel
l, then. I'm not taking no for an answer.” When he refused to take the cash from me, I snatched his bag from him and zipped it into the small side compartment. I hadn't bothered to count it, but I knew there was at least two hundred.

  Tam stared miserably at me for a moment, then took the bag back. “Thank you.”

  “When's the first train?”

  “A couple of minutes. I have to go to King's Cross first.”

  “Then a Tube to Paddington. Then another train. Then… it's ridiculous.” I bit my tongue before I offered again to drive him. He wouldn't let me. “Let me know when you get home, yeah?”

  He nodded and made his way toward the platform where his train was pulling in. I clenched my fists and followed. I didn't know what to do. He was still mortified by the moment in the club. I would have been if I'd dwelled on it, but all I could think about was that he was leaving, and the closeness we'd found in the past few days was gone.

  “Can we just forget about yesterday?” I begged. “I don't want that—which was nothing, by the way—to come between us.”

  “It hasn't. It's fine.”

  “Then talk to me.”

  “We did that already. Like we said, you got the hottest guy in the club, and I wanted him too. You really should have stayed.”

  “Yeah, well. Maybe I'll go back next week and look for him.”

  “Let me know if you hook up with him.” Tam gave me a small smile. “I have to go.”

  “Yeah. You'll come back, right?”

  “Yeah, of course.” He turned to get on the train, then hesitated and much to my dismay, offered me his hand to shake. Like we were strangers. I ignored it and reached out to give him a hug.

  For a moment, Tam stiffened, but then he dropped his bag and wrapped both arms around my neck. I held him tight as his body shook in my arms, only realizing he was crying when his tears dripped down the inside of my collar onto my neck. Instantly my eyes stung and my throat tightened. The awkwardness was over, but now the other part of me that I'd only just found, was leaving again. His obvious pain and my growing sense of loss crushed me, and I clung to him and tried to hold back my own tears.

  The announcement that the train was about to leave finally forced us apart. I let Tam go and coughed. He scrubbed his hands over his face and wiped his nose on the back of his hand. “I'm sorry.”

  I shook my head. “Don't miss the train.”

  The doors were closing. He grabbed his bag and bounded up the steps just in time. The door slammed behind him and I turned away, blinking rapidly. I missed him already.

  I walked home, aimlessly shuffling so the short journey took three times as long as usual. The joy I'd found in connecting with Tam after my whole life without him became lost in the agony of our separation. I wondered if it wouldn't have been easier never to have met him, but that was a stupid idea. For years, everything had been incomplete because of the missing part I hadn't known existed. I wouldn't want to go back to that. It wasn't like I'd never see him again. We could text, and talk, and visit. My pulse quickened at the thought of him arriving home that evening and immediately calling me, and I didn't question the spark of excitement. Of course I'd miss him. Of course I'd be eager to talk to him. He was closer to me than anyone in the world, now.

  The lump in my throat dispersed, and I grinned as I let myself into the house. For a short time, the lines had blurred, or at least in my head they had, but I'd been getting upset over nothing.

  As was the norm, Dad worked Saturday and my mother was out shopping, so I had the house to myself for most of the day. I uploaded all the photos I'd taken of Tam and me over the past few days, and saved a favorite as a background picture on my laptop. Tam hated being photographed, unlike me, but nevertheless had joined in with the selfie-taking. The picture I saved was one I'd taken when he was looking through some of my old school photos, laughing at my pristine uniform and stuck up expression. My own laughing eyes stared back at me from his face on the computer screen and I released a long sigh. The only blood relative I had and he was already miles away. I picked up my phone, considering sending him a text, but changed my mind. He'd get in touch when he got home.

  I spent the rest of the day looking through the artwork I'd created over the past couple of years. I had stacks of it—sketches, watercolors, charcoal drawings, some of which were not very good at all, but a few I considered not bad. I had a computer file of digital art, too, and I liked some of that better than those done on paper or card. Some online research showed me I could make a start by selling a few in an internet shop. The digital ones would be the easiest as I could email them to anyone who wanted them.

  By the time my mother returned with a car full of shopping, I had twelve items listed for sale in a basic little shop, and I'd made a start on looking into part-time courses I could do that would teach me new and better art skills. I helped unload the car and told her all about it.

  “What brought this on?” She smiled encouragingly.

  “Tam did. I know I take everything for granted here. I've been completely lazy since I finished school. He works in a horrible bar and lives in a bedsit because he has no money, and I have everything I want and do nothing for it. I know you and Dad wish I'd get off my backside and do something.”

  “We just think you'd be happier with something to do,” Mum said magnanimously. “Something to interest you.”

  “Dad thinks I should earn my keep.” I wrinkled my nose and grinned. “You know Tam's arty as well. I haven't seen any of his stuff, but he said he sketches. I made an online shop and put some of my digital stuff up for sale. I'm looking for a course to do. Maybe a part-time degree.”

  Mum beamed at me. “You know Dad and I will help with course fees, if there's something you want to do.”

  “No,” I said immediately. “I want to do this myself. You give me far too much.”

  “All right. I'm proud of you, love. Dad will be too.”

  I couldn't remember the last time either of my parents were proud of me for anything. I hadn't exactly earned it. Maybe I finally had the incentive I needed to do something with my life.

  * * *

  Tremaine

  The journey home seemed endless, and several times I wished I'd let Matt drive me after all. A train, the Underground, a couple more trains, two buses. Hours passed and I had nothing to do but think, or look at the photos in my phone. My throat hurt with the effort of not breaking down again. I felt a little sick from my outburst at St. Albans' station, and the sense of having majorly fucked up. What must he think of me?

  I tried not to think about it. I did everything I could to concentrate on other things—going back to work on Monday night, and catching up with Stef now the ice had been broken. But I couldn't shut it out. I inwardly cringed and my face burned as my mind kept on replaying it—that horrible moment on the dance floor.

  Trying to tell myself it was my reaction to Matt's guy, Jaz, was pointless. He was about as far from my type as he could get. The blond man I'd danced with hadn't done anything for me either. The worst thing about it all was that Matt—my own twin—was exactly the kind of man I liked.

  Had it been from the first moment I met him? Probably, if I was honest. I'd been too shocked and delighted to finally meet him to think about much else. But underneath there was an instant spark of attraction that I'd pushed down into the farthest recesses of my mind. It hadn't stayed there. He was gentle, and caring, and funny, and we had a ton of silly things in common—even our names were the same. If you reversed the shortened version of mine, it spelled his. He didn't look like me, except for his eyes, and I didn't know if that was a good thing or not. If we'd been identical, I doubted I'd have felt anything other than what I was supposed to. But he was beautiful. And when he danced toward me with that guy behind him, holding onto him, and he—Matt—had held me for that moment, I'd wanted him to touch me. He was as hard as a rock, but Jaz had been groping him, getting him all worked up. The minute I'd felt his dick pushing against me, mine had
come to life and I'd wanted more than anything to have him all to myself. Then he felt I'd got hard, and the shock on his face was the same as if he'd thrown a bucket of ice water over me.

  I groaned aloud and turned it into a cough, lest anyone on the bus should hear me. He'd believed me when I told him I liked Jaz and it had been about that. But how could I ever face him again? Saying good-bye had felt like part of me was being ripped away, but being apart was better than wanting what I couldn't have. I must be sick—a disgusting pervert to want to get my hands on my own brother. To want him to kiss me and touch me. To feel him get hard for me, and not some sexy stranger. If I didn't see him again, at least there'd be no chance he'd find out.

  Tears welled and I furiously blinked them back. Choked with emotion and self-loathing, I hung on desperately until the bus stopped. Sitting near the front, I was the first to get off. I grabbed my bag and ran, not stopping until I bounded up the stairs to my room. As I stood on the landing, staring in disbelief at the broken lock on my door, that stood open to reveal the mess all over my room, I gave up the fight and wept. I shuffled into the room, kicked the door closed behind me, and collapsed onto the bed. They'd even stripped the bedding and turned over the mattress to see if I'd hidden anything beneath it. There had been nothing of value in the room, but now I didn't even have a safe place of my own anymore. Whoever had been here had robbed me of my privacy. I didn't want to be there, but with nowhere else to go, I was trapped. Sobbing, I pulled out my phone and found the single contact in it. But I couldn't call him. Not after what happened. He'd be in his car in seconds, driving here to get to me and making everything worse. I called Stef instead.

  When he answered, I couldn't speak. The choked desperate sounds I made mortified me, but I couldn't control myself enough to say anything.