Separation

by Louise Lyons

  My bed was mere feet away, but I hesitated to guide him to it. If I interrupted the moment, maybe it would end. So, I stayed still, almost grinding myself against him and longing to feel his hands slide lower. They didn't—he kept them above my waist, taunting me until we pulled apart to breathe.

  “Are you sure about this?” His voice was deep and husky with want, eyes dark and glassy.

  “Yeah. In any case—”

  “It's too late, now. Isn't it?”

  I nodded. Would this change us? Would we look at each other tomorrow and regret it? I knew I wouldn’t, however wrong it might be.

  “What do you want?” He trailed the tips of his fingers over the waistband of my jeans and brushed the top of my ass. I hummed my approval and gyrated my hips, gently rubbing against him.

  “Touch me.”

  Matt stepped back, giving himself enough room to grasp the hem of my T-shirt and pull it up and off. When he tossed it aside, I did the same for him. His build was virtually the same as mine, with muscles a little more toned from the fancy gym he had in his house. His tan spoke of a sunbed rather than the beach, a golden glow, but nothing like the shade of my skin. Even in May I already had a good color. I lifted my hands to his chest and explored slowly, watching the goose bumps rise where I touched, his nipples stiffening when I rubbed my thumbs over them.

  He placed his hands on my hips, pausing for a moment before stroking my ribcage, up and down so lightly I shivered from the sensation. I froze with my hands on his chest as he moved to my stomach and brushed one finger through the narrow line of brown hair below my navel—the same treasure trail he had. I held my breath, expecting him to stop there, but slowly, hesitantly, he unfastened the top button of my jeans. One button at a time, he made his way down my fly, releasing each until my erection strained out of the gap and slid free of the front of my boxer shorts. I fixed my gaze on his hand, sure he'd snatch it away, but he extended one finger and traced the shape of my tip, my foreskin already partly rolled back.

  “Oh fuck,” I gasped. My dick jerked, nudging his hand, and I fought back the urge to come. He'd barely touched me and I was about to shoot.

  Matt chuckled and wrapped his hand around my shaft, then merely held it, gripping the base firmly. I pulled myself together and unzipped his jeans with shaking hands, discovering he wore boxers too. I reached in and found warm hard flesh, wet at the tip. We slowly stroked each other, watching our hands and standing so close our knuckles bumped. The only sounds were our gasping breaths, and the slick, wet sound of flesh on flesh. I lost the battle in a couple of minutes, spurting into his hand and onto his erection. As my fluid oozed down his shaft, he came, too.

  “Shit.” Matt laughed breathlessly and rested his forehead against mine. A giggle burst from my lips, and I released him to wipe my hand on my jeans. My face and neck burned, and suddenly I didn't know what to do or say. I'd never been uncomfortable in the aftermath of sex, but this was different. I didn't want to lift my head and meet his eyes.

  Matt took his hand off me and wiped it on my other leg. “At least there'll only be one pair of jeans to wash.” He snorted and broke the tension.

  Finally, I looked up. “That was—” The shrill squeal of the smoke alarm had me spinning away from him, and I became aware of the acrid smell of burning. “Bollocks. That's the pasta.” Hastily fastening my jeans, I rushed downstairs, and found my carefully prepared pasta sauce burning in the pan.

  By the time we'd finished disposing of the disaster and the smell, and shutting up the screeching alarm, any residual embarrassment was gone. It almost seemed like it had never happened. Almost.

  Matt met my eyes and grinned. “Do you want to eat out or order some food in?”

  “Let's go out. I actually have money now. My turn to treat you. Maybe not pasta?”

  Matt laughed again. “What is there around here other than fish and chips?”

  “Well, there's fish and chips.” I made a face. “Most of the restaurants around here have a lot of seafood on the menu, but there are a few good pubs. Pub grub okay?”

  “Yeah, I could go for a decent steak. You should probably get changed first.”

  I quickly cleaned up and put on a new pair of jeans. We walked to a local pub, ate steak, drank beer, and talked about everything and nothing. When we returned to the house, Matt broached the subject we'd both been avoiding.

  “We should talk about what happened.”

  “I suppose.”

  “It's… this wasn't supposed to happen.”

  “I know.” I sat beside him on the couch so I didn't have to look at him.

  “No one can find out.”

  “I know that!” I dragged a hand through my hair and sighed. “I'm sorry. I told you I want you. But if we keep doing this, it might fuck everything up. We both know it's wrong. I don't even know why I feel like this. I don't want to lose you over it. I've waited too long for you to find me.”

  “You won't lose me.” Matt touched my arm. “Look at me, will you?” Reluctantly, I met his eyes. “I love you. You won't lose me. Twenty-one years without you was enough.”

  A thrill ran through me at his words, even though I knew he meant it like a brother, the way he was supposed to. “Love you, too.”

  “When did it start for you? The other stuff?”

  “The first day.” Heat flooded my face, and I broke the eye contact. “You don't look like me. You look like the kind of guy I'd normally go for.”

  “Same. I mean, it wasn't the first day, I don't think. I was so excited and relieved to find you, that's all I was thinking about then. It kind of crept up on me. After the club, I couldn't stop thinking about it.” Matt sighed heavily. “I don't suppose we're the only ones.”

  “I've read some stuff,” I admitted. “About siblings not generally being attracted to each other when they grow up together. Maybe it's because we only just met now; never even knew about each other.”

  “Maybe.”

  “So, what do we do?”

  “I don't know, Tam. I don't think we should rush anything.”

  “It's a bit late for that, isn't it?” I groaned and rubbed a hand over my face.

  “I didn't say I wanted to stop. Just not go too far.”

  His words immediately brought an image to my mind, of us in bed. A brief picture of me looking up at him, our naked bodies thrusting together, eyes locked, and my face burned. I couldn't really imagine us doing that, and yet… I'd already pictured it. I didn't even know if I wanted it. What we'd done already, I supposed we could pass off as a moment, something harmless that didn't need to be repeated. But if we took another step, it wouldn't be so easy to go back. Even if we wanted to, the feeling I already had—guilt that I'd committed some hideous crime—could ruin it all. A rush of emotion flooded through me.

  “I don't know what I want,” I choked.

  “Please don't.” Matt moved closer to my side and wrapped his arms around me. It was only when he pulled my head against his shoulder that I realized tears were streaming down my face. “I don't know what I want either. I don't ever want to lose you. You're part of me and that's more important than anything. But I also see you as more than that, and it makes me feel guilty—like I'm committing some kind of crime.”

  “Me too.”

  “I suppose we are, though.”

  I pulled away and wiped my wet face. “I don't even want to think about that right now.”

  “Okay.”

  We didn't talk much for the rest of the evening. I switched on the TV and we watched crap, and drank a couple of beers. The silence was companionable and relaxed rather than awkward, and when we went to bed—Matt in Stef's room as planned—he gave me a brief kiss on the cheek and left me. The look in his eyes told me he wasn't backtracking, only ensuring we didn't rush into anything we might regret.

  I lay awake for hours, going over in my mind what had happened that day and what might happen in the future. I hadn't wanted to think about the law when Matt mentioned it,
but there was no doubt if we continued down the path we'd started on, we'd be breaking it. I hated to let the word "incest" creep into my mind. Somehow the word made my love for Matt and his for me seem more wrong. I told myself the law was the way it was to prevent siblings of opposite sexes bringing inbred children into the world, and it wasn't like that was going to happen with us. So how wrong could it be? If we loved each other and made each other happy. If no one knew, who would it hurt? Why should we suffer by staying away from each other?

  I rolled over and buried my face in the pillow. Part of me wished he were with me. Not to rush forward, but to hold me and tell me it would all be okay. Maybe he needed that reassurance too. Turning again, I glanced at the fluorescent time on my clock—almost two and I hadn't slept a wink. A minute passed, then another. The light tap on my door made my heart race, and I sat up quickly. “Matt?”

  “Can I come in?”

  “Yeah.”

  He came in quietly and made his way to the bed. “I can't sleep.”

  “Me neither.”

  “But I don't want to talk about it anymore right now.”

  “Me neither,” I repeated. “Get in.”

  The mattress moved as he climbed into the bed beside me. Soft pajamas brushed against my bare legs. I'd kept my underwear on, but we were both bare-chested. Matt slid his arm around me and we shuffled about, finding a comfortable position as close as possible. His heart thumped steadily under my hand, its rhythm matching mine as I finally relaxed. He nuzzled my ear and pressed a kiss to my neck. He didn't need to say anything and nor did I. Holding each other made everything better. I closed my eyes and drifted away.

  When I woke, neither of us had moved. My head lay against Matt's shoulder, our arms around each other, legs tangled together. His morning wood was crushed against my hip, mine between our bellies. Carefully, I edged away and managed not to disturb him as I slipped out of bed to go to the bathroom.

  I took my time. I only intended to use the toilet and clean my teeth, but I showered, too, standing under the hot spray with my eyes closed. My stomach was a knot of nervous excitement as I thought of Matt still sleeping in my bed. Would he wake up and change his mind? Suggest we needed some separation between us until we could look at each other the way we were supposed to? Or would he open the bathroom door at any moment and join me? The idea of showering together made arousal flare and my cock stiffened. Resistance was useless, and I stroked myself to orgasm, making my already long shower last even longer. By the time I got out, the water ran cold. I dried off, put on fresh underwear, and returned to the bedroom, my heart in my mouth as I waited for Matt's reaction when he opened his eyes.

  Chapter Ten

  Matthew

  I was alone when I woke. The bed beside me had grown cold, indicating Tam had been gone a while. The sound of the shower told me where he was. I rolled onto my back and listened to the running water. He took a hell of a long time and I wondered if he was dragging it out, worrying about what would happen when we spoke again. Or maybe he was wanking in there. I grinned, picturing him with his dick in his hand, eyes closed, chewing on his lip to stay quiet. My twin was beautiful, and telling myself it was wrong to think of him like that was useless. I'd tried, but the moment our lips met and the longing in his kiss and the way he clung to me told me how much he wanted this, I couldn't deny it any longer. I had to have him, and the hell with whether it was right or wrong. I'd said we shouldn't rush things, but I wanted to plunge in head first and bugger the consequences. What other people didn't know wouldn't hurt them. In any case, who knew about us being related besides my parents and Stef? To anyone else, we looked different enough to get away with it.

  My smile slipped as I thought about Mum and Dad. It wouldn't be easy keeping this a secret from them, but I could never tell them. They'd be horrified. Having a gay son, they could handle, but this? No way. Tam's visits to me would have to be limited. Besides, he had a job, while I could do my art course when it started, and my online shop, from anywhere. Maybe I could move to be with him. Salcombe was nice enough. We could find a place together. To Stef, we'd just be twins sharing a place. To the outside world, we'd be young lovers, starting our life together.

  Tam opened the door and my face flushed as I met his eyes. It was probably too soon to suggest moving in together. His anxious expression didn't fill me with confidence.

  “You're awake.” He gave me a half smile.

  “Yeah. Are you okay?”

  “Um, I used all the hot water. Sorry. If you want a shower, it'll be hot again in half an hour.”

  “I'm not bothered about that.” I rose to sit on the edge of the bed, and asked again: “Are you all right?”

  “Yes. Are you?” He came closer and I reached for him. Too much thinking really wasn't good for us, even though it was necessary.

  “Come here.” He stepped between my knees and I wrapped my arms around his waist, relieved when he relaxed and squeezed my shoulders. I pressed my face against his stomach and teased his navel with little kisses.

  “I took that long because I was thinking you might change your mind when you woke up,” he said softly.

  “I haven't.” I hugged him tighter. “Have you?”

  “No.”

  “Good.” I shuffled back on the bed, pulling him with me. He straddled my thighs and the reassuring weight of him on my lap made me smile. “I'm not gonna change it either. As long as Stef and my parents don't find out, who's going to know? We don't look like each other.”

  “I was thinking that, too.”

  “So, we should stop worrying so much and enjoy being together.” I'd been about half hard when Tam came into the room. With him on my lap and his crotch so close to mine, my cock filled, tenting my pajama pants. It nudged his balls and he squirmed on my thighs.

  “I might need a few minutes. I got myself off in the shower.”

  “That's not fair,” I teased. The tension had gone and I grinned up at him, for the first time seeing him as a lover without the flutter of discomfort over acknowledging it. “You might have waited for me.”

  “You'd have wanted to watch?” Tam chuckled and flushed.

  “No, I'd have given you a hand.”

  “How about I give you a hand? Seems like you might need it.” He touched me through the thin fabric of my pants, and I groaned.

  “God, yes. Want you.”

  “Take these off.” Tam tugged at my pants and slid away from me. I stripped naked and lay back against the pillows. He removed his boxer shorts, revealing his half hard cock, and joined me. It was the first time we'd been naked together and I stared unashamedly.

  “You are so gorgeous.”

  “Stop it.” Tam laughed, red-faced. “I'm ordinary.”

  “You're beautiful.” I pulled him down for a kiss, smothering his protests with my mouth. We became lost in it, connecting deeply in something as simple as gentle caresses of lips and tongues. He was part of me, and I felt it so keenly at that moment, my heart ached. When we pulled apart and our eyes met, the look in his reflected my feelings.

  “I love you.” His voice croaked, and I drew in a long breath before I responded.

  “I love you, too.” Eyes locked, we lay motionless, until Tam broke the moment by looking away and sliding his hand down my body.

  “Where were we?”

  I groaned. “This is gonna take, like, five seconds.”

  Tam laughed. “You have no control.”

  “Your fault for teasing me with images of you wanking in the shower. Did you think about me?”

  “What do you think?” He effectively silenced me with a hand around my erection, the other tugging on my balls. I closed my eyes, wincing at the sensation that drove my orgasm away. “Think about something really boring. Like me burning the pasta.”

  “Yeah, that's really boring. What were we doing when you burned it? I had your dick in my hand.”

  Tam snorted. “Steak and beer in the pub.”

  “Stop distracting me
. I'm not gonna last, whatever you say.”

  “Fine.” He removed his hands. I was about to protest when I felt his mouth, hot and wet, sliding down my shaft.

  “Fuck!” I peeked through my eyelashes, shocked by the sensation. Each new step we took should have started alarm bells ringing, but I was lost. His head bobbed over me, one hand following his mouth up and down, until I was too close to keep my eyes open. When he crawled back up the bed to join me, I forced myself to meet his eyes. “That was… unexpected. And fucking amazing.”

  “Couldn't help myself.”

  “Tam…” Frowning, I touched his face. We hadn't had one all too important conversation. In the heat of the moment I hadn't even thought of it, and that had never happened before. “If we're gonna do this—”

  “We don't have to. Sorry, I just…” Flushing, he started to pull away from me, but I slid my arm around him.

  “Believe me, I am going to return the favor. But we didn't talk about our history.”

  “Shit.”

  “It's okay. I get tested every six months, whether I've been with anyone or not. And I never did anything without protection, except a few blow jobs when I was much younger. I'm fine.”

  “Me too. To be honest, I've only ever fucked Chris. The other few times was nothing more than hand jobs. Because of what he was like, I got tested four times over the year after we split up. I can get another one if you want to see a current result.”

  “You don't have to.” It was a conversation I hated having, and one I'd only ever had with my Chris. With the other guys, I'd just made sure I was safe and got tested regularly. It wasn't something you wanted to talk about with a random hook-up. I knew I shouldn't consider it, but if Tam and I were going to fuck, I didn't want a barrier between us.