Separation

by Louise Lyons

  “So, what do you want to do? Go for the shitty one, fit it ourselves so it looks crap, and make do with the cracked bath, toilet without a seat, and shower that’s covered in lime scale? Come on, Tam.” I glared back at him, and we faced each other in silence. The poor kitchen salesman hovering nearby, slipped away, his face red.

  “Damn it, Matt.” Tam released a long sigh. I raised my eyebrows, but stayed silent. He would come around. How could he not? I was so used to getting my own way, I didn’t consider anything else. Selfish, yes, but I wanted nice things and I wanted Tam to have them, too. “You’re so used to getting what you want.”

  “Yeah, I am. I admit I’m spoiled, but I do appreciate the value of things. I want this and I can afford it. I don’t just want it for me, I want it for us.”

  “Fine, but listen to me.” Tam gripped my arm and tugged me away from the salesman. “I am paying for the bathroom. If I have to get it on credit and spend five years paying for it, I will. And I won’t compromise on it.”

  I opened my mouth to argue, but then smiled. “Okay. That’s cool.”

  “Is it? Because if you try to bulldoze me into letting you pay again—”

  “I won’t. I promise.” I pulled his hand off my arm and squeezed it in mine. “I’m sorry. Am I really a bulldozer?”

  “Yeah.” He quirked an eyebrow and grinned.

  “Was this our first fight?”

  “A tiny disagreement.” Tam grinned wider. “Let’s go and order the fucking kitchen.”

  * * *

  The kitchen appliances and units were delivered a week later, and it took the fitters three days to install everything. During that time, Tam and I chose a bathroom. At a little over two thousand, it was everything we needed and included toilet, sink, shower cubicles, and bath tub. Tam paid a deposit and signed up for interest free credit to pay the balance, and I didn’t say a word, despite my longing to whip out my credit card rather than let him take on a debt.

  After we’d been in the cottage a couple of months, everything was done. At least the kitchen, bathroom, carpets, curtains, and decorations were done. We’d bought a sofa and a small table and chairs for the living room, and a proper bed to sleep in, but we still needed to buy more furniture. We made a start on the garden too, cutting the small patch of lawn and trimming back overgrown shrubs and plants.

  I called and emailed my parents regularly to let them know how we were getting on, and sent photos of the cottage. Mum was desperate to visit, but I put her off as long as possible, telling her we wanted the cottage to look its best before she and Dad saw it. In reality, I was nervous of them coming to see us. I was convinced they’d guess the situation, no matter how hard we tried to keep it a secret. We even bought a bed for the second bedroom, and made it up like one of us was using it, with clothes in the wardrobe and drawers, and items scattered on the bedside table. But my mother had always been able to see through me, and still I feared she would see what Tam really was to me.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Tremaine

  “Don’t worry so much.” I put my feet on the coffee table and crossed my ankles, while Matt paced and fretted. His parents were on their way to visit us for the first time, and he was terrified they’d guess what we were to each other.

  “Take your feet off the table. I polished that this morning,” he groused.

  I swung my feet to the floor and folded my arms. “Matt, calm down. How are they going to find out? We can manage a few hours without touching each other, or saying anything inappropriate.”

  “Yeah, but I swear my Mum’s psychic when it comes to me. She only has to look at me to guess if something’s going on.”

  “But she thinks you’re seeing Stef, so she’ll probably just think it’s about him.”

  “God, I hope he doesn’t turn up today. Imagine that.” Matt groaned.

  I snorted. “He won’t. He’ll be asleep. He’s working tonight. Besides, he knows your parents are visiting.”

  “I’m just gonna check the bedroom again.” He shot out of the room and began checking the room we shared, for the tenth time, to make sure it looked like only he slept in it. I went to look over the spare room, and casually tossed one of my shirts—a surfing brand Matt would never wear—onto the bed. When we returned to the living room, his hair was standing on end as if he’d dragged his hands through it. I reached up to stroke it down, and he batted my hand away.

  “Don’t.”

  “They’re not here yet. Besides, I’d do that as your brother.”

  “Well, don’t.”

  His anxiety was endearing in a way, but at the same time it was becoming irritating. I couldn’t see why his parents would guess we were anything more than what we appeared. But I humored him and went over the bathroom to make sure everything was in its place and there were very obviously two sets of everything, clearly separated rather than jumbled together.

  Another hour passed before the Langfords’ car pulled up in front of the cottage. They were overdue, and Matt was a nervous wreck. I let them in while he made coffee.

  “Tam, it’s lovely to see you.” Matt’s mother pulled me into a hug. “Where’s Mattie?”

  “Making coffee. Come in.” I stood back to let her and Matt’s dad, Malcolm, into the cottage. They gazed about them at the newly decorated hall, and peeked into the bedrooms as they passed.

  “You’ve done a nice job, here,” Malcolm commented. “It looks very different from those first photos you sent us.”

  “Mum! Dad.” Matt emerged from the kitchen, beaming, and wrapped his arms around his mother. “I missed you.” After a prolonged hug, and a brief one with his dad, he fetched the coffees and some biscuits, and we sat in the living room.

  As we chatted for an hour, Matt seemed stiff and tense, and I wondered if Julie picked up on it. She frowned a couple of times as she looked at him, but she didn’t ask if anything was wrong. His dad grilled him on his artwork, and me on my job. Eventually, I slipped away to fetch the food we’d prepared in advance—cold buffet items to save either of us spending any time in the kitchen. I laid out the plates on the small table, and we ate with trays on our laps. We’d bought some things ready-made, and Matt had put together a variety of sandwiches that morning.

  It all seemed to be going well, and when we finished eating, Matt cleared away and Julie insisted on helping wash the dishes. I talked to Malcolm, mostly about the area—the lovely beaches, the local pub, and Kingsbridge. He told me they’d booked a hotel room in Salcombe and planned to stay a couple of days, as it was such a long journey home. They intended to spend all of Sunday with us, which would be a surprise to Matt.

  When they left, he collapsed onto the couch with a sigh. “Thank God for that. I hope tomorrow goes okay. I didn’t know they were staying all weekend.”

  “You worry too much.”

  “Mum kept asking me about Stef when we were washing up.” He grimaced. “I told her we’d called it a day. I didn’t want to keep lying about it.”

  “He’ll be heartbroken.” I grinned to lighten the mood.

  Matt laughed. “Have I been a complete nightmare today?”

  “You were this morning. Your mum kept looking at you and frowning like she thought something was wrong.”

  “I know, but I think she thought it was just that I was fed up after breaking up with Stef. I think it’s okay. We could take them down to the beach tomorrow, and walk along the coast path.”

  The rest of the day passed in a more relaxed manner, and the next morning, Matt was less worried. We took his parents around Hope Cove, ate lunch in the pub, and walked a couple of miles along the coast path. Julie loved the place and took a lot of photographs with her phone. We returned to the cottage so they could have a snack and freshen up before they set off for home, and we both hugged them good-bye. When the car pulled away, we stood by the window for five minutes, watching the empty street.

  “They’ve gone,” I said needlessly.

  “Yeah.” Grinning, Mat
t grabbed my hand and tugged me into the bedroom that had temporarily become his alone. Tumbling onto the bed in a tangle of arms and legs, we clung to each other as we kissed for the first time that day. The tension slid away from Matt as he held me close, and he drew back to meet my eyes. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you, too.”

  We tensed at the sound in the hallway. I could have sworn it was the door opening.

  “What was that?” Matt rolled off me and we both looked out of the open door into the hall.

  “Sorry, boys. I think I left my phone in the—” Julie paused in the doorway, eyes wide and mouth open, as we jumped away from each other. It was exactly like when Stef caught us, only a thousand times worse. The color drained from both Matt and Julie’s faces, and in that moment, they looked identical—features frozen in expressions of shock, disappointment, and hurt. I stood motionless, my back against the bedroom wall, fists clenched, as I waited for one of them to speak. It was on the tip of my tongue to say “It’s not what it looks like,” but Julie wasn’t stupid. It was exactly what it looked like.

  “Mum.” Matt gulped.

  “I’ll just get my phone. I think I left it in the bathroom.” Coolly, she turned away and walked into the bathroom. When she came out, she left the cottage without a word.

  “Mum!” Matt ran after her, and I followed more slowly. Julie didn’t stop until she reached the car. I was too far away to hear her words clearly, but it sounded as if she said “I can’t talk to you right now. Go back inside.”

  She got in the car and for a moment it didn’t move. Matt stood on the driveway, arms wrapped around himself, watching. Was Julie telling Malcolm what she saw? The car pulled away from the curb, moved slowly down the street, and disappeared around the bend in the road.

  “Matt?” Tentatively I touched his shoulder. He didn’t move. I walked around him and noticed the tears on his face, his cheeks as pale as if the blood had been drained from his body. I squeezed his upper arms. “I’m so sorry.”

  He shrugged one shoulder. “It’s not your fault.”

  “It partly is. We could have waited longer. Locked the door. Something.”

  “They’d gone. We watched them drive away. Fuck. Fuck!” Pushing away from me, Matt turned and walked into the cottage. I followed, and heard him in the bathroom, throwing up. My stomach churned in sympathy, and shock of what had happened. I rubbed my arms, feeling the chill on my skin despite the warm weather. What would the Langfords be saying to each other right now? What would Malcolm think? Julie adored Matt and was obvious about it, but Malcolm had always been cool. Would they be able to get over this? Accept it?

  I leaned against the wall outside the bathroom door and waited for Matt to come out. He was a long time. The toilet flushed, then the shower started. I didn’t move, feeling his pain as he scrubbed himself and sobbed quietly, the sounds faintly audible above the running water. When he finally emerged wearing a towel, he barely afforded me a glance before he went into the bedroom to find some clean clothes. I followed.

  “I’m going after them,” he said under his breath. “I need to talk to them.”

  “You shouldn’t drive like this. Why don’t you call first?”

  “My mum said she can’t talk to me right now. She probably won’t answer. But I have to talk to her. I can’t leave it like this.”

  “Why don’t you give them a bit of time? Get in touch tomorrow when they’ve had the chance to think about it. Maybe it won’t be so bad.”

  “Would you leave it until tomorrow?” Matt spun around and bellowed the words at me. “If it was your dad, would you let him drive away and not try to make sure it’s okay? That he doesn’t hate you? You’d leave it until tomorrow?”

  “All right, Matt.” I sighed, stung by his tone even though I understood. I felt his pain as if it were my own. Partly, it was. His parents had been so nice to me and welcomed me into the family. If they shunned us because of what we were to each other, it would hurt me, too, at least a little.

  “I’m sorry.” He sank onto the edge of the bed, shoulders slumped.

  “It’s okay. I get it.” I sat beside him and took his hand. “Maybe it’ll be all right. I mean, your parents love you.”

  “I know, but they’ve never had to deal with anything like this. Telling them I’m gay wasn’t that bad, but what must they be thinking about me fucking my brother? You saw the look on Mum’s face.”

  I winced. He was upset, but his words hurt. He’d made what we were to each other sound wrong and dirty. Exactly what we’d both feared it was at the beginning.

  “I’m sorry.” Matt squeezed my hand. “I didn’t mean to say it like that. I’m just imagining what they might be thinking. I don’t know how to explain it to them.”

  “The same way we explained how we felt to each other? That we grew up apart, so we weren’t conditioned to not be attracted to each other? I don’t know. Maybe they’ll be like my dad when I told him I’m gay. He told me I’d grow out of it, then ignored it.”

  Matt hung his head, and wrapped his free hand around our joined ones. “I love you. You know that, right? Whatever happens.”

  “Yeah. I know.” A cold finger of dread touched my spine at his words. Would he do anything to keep his parents happy? Even if it meant ending what we had?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Matthew

  I tried calling both Mum and Dad’s cellphones that evening, but neither of them answered. Their voicemails greeted me, but I didn’t leave messages. I didn’t know what to say. Eventually, I let Tam coax me into bed. I didn’t touch him, or even hold him. I lay on my back, tense and unhappy, wide awake and sick to my stomach. Tam didn’t sleep either, and we didn’t talk. I should have at least offered him some gesture of reassurance, but I couldn’t manage it. I needed reassurance, but the only people who could give me that were my parents. They were two hundred miles away, probably trying not to think about me, or deciding to clear out my room and banish me from their lives. What would I do if that happened?

  I glanced at Tam from the corner of my eye. I’d never thought I’d find what was missing in my life. Now I had and there was no way I’d ever let it—him—go. I’d found both the other part of me, and the love of my life in one person, and I wouldn’t lose any of that. I couldn’t. But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him either, and I knew what I’d said earlier had worried him. He probably thought I’d leave him rather than lose the love and respect of my parents.

  I lay for hours, awake and miserable, feeling lonelier than I had in a long time, with Tam inches away, feeling the same. I knew he felt the same. It was uncanny the way we felt each other’s emotions. Eventually, his breathing softened and evened out and he slept, exhausted. I didn’t sleep. I slipped from the bed and sat in the living room for the rest of the night, agonized. As soon as Tam woke, I planned to drive to St. Albans. I needed to talk to him first.

  Tam shuffled into the room just after six o’clock wearing pajama pants, hair tousled, face pale and drawn. He hovered uncertainly a few feet from me, and I quickly stood and went to him. I gathered him into my arms and hugged him tightly. His sigh of relief was audible, and he slid his arms around me in return, holding on tight.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered in his ear. “What I said last night. I know it sounded off, like maybe I’d end this or something. I won’t. I love Mum and Dad, but if they won’t accept me being with you… I’ve been thinking about this all night. I can’t lose you. Going back to how things were before I knew you would kill me. I love you too much—both ways.”

  “I love you, too.” His voice was strangled, and he clutched me tighter than ever. “I’d have understood. You know, if you had to make that choice and you chose them.”

  “Shit.” I pressed my lips to his jaw. “I’m not going to. I’m going to see them today, but I’ll be back. I promise you.” I drew back and met his eyes. “My life is with you, here.”

  Tam closed the small gap between our lips, and gave me a
light kiss. I returned it and our lips clung, although neither of us deepened it. When we broke apart, I rested my forehead against his. “I’ll text you when I get there. I’ll be okay.”

  “You don’t want me to go with you? I doubt you would, but if you do, I will.”

  I shook my head and released him. “No. I have to do this by myself.”

  Half an hour later I was in the car. Still early, the roads were quiet until I hit rush hour traffic, but it didn’t cause too much of a problem. I reached my parents’ house a little after eleven o’clock. Parking in front of the building, I looked up at it. Funny that after such a short time, it was already “my parents’ house” and not my home. My home was with Tam, in Hope Cove. The thought bolstered me as I walked to the door. It was locked and I was forced to ring the bell and wait, like a stranger.

  Much to my surprise, Dad opened the door. He should have been at work. He gave me a small nod and stood back to let me in.

  “You’re not at work.” I hesitated until he closed the door and led me into the kitchen.

  “No. They can manage without me for a day. Your mother’s not feeling too good. She’s in bed, resting.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Well.” That was all he said as he began making coffee. I stood in the middle of the room, unsure what to say or do with myself. I waited until a mug of coffee was in my hand, and the silence had stretched out between us to the point where my ears rang with it.

  “Do you hate me?” I blurted.

  “What?” Dad’s eyebrows rose. “Of course I don’t hate you. Why on earth would you think such a thing?”

  “Because of what happened yesterday. Mum looked appalled. And you both left and didn’t answer your phones. I’ve been up all night thinking you’d be sickened—ashamed of me.”

  Dad sighed and pulled out a chair at the table. “Sit down, Matthew.”