by Louise Lyons
I sat and studied my coffee mug rather than look at him.
“We needed some time. Your mother was shocked by what she saw. She said very little to me. Only that you and Tremaine appeared to be, um, well, like you were with Chris. She didn’t speak on the way home, and she’s been in bed since. She’ll be fine, I’m sure. She needs to think about things. As did I.”
“And?”
“I can’t understand. When you told us you were gay, it didn’t bother me that much. I said very little at the time, but you know I don’t talk about emotional stuff. One of my employees is gay. He recently married his partner of fifteen years. When you told us, I thought, as long as you’re happy, and confident in being yourself, that’s what matters. It doesn’t matter to me—to either of us—if you spend your life with a man. But this… he’s your brother, Matthew.”
“I know.”
“So why don’t you tell me how this happened?”
“Are you sure you want to know? I thought out of you and Mum, you’d be the one to avoid talking about it.”
Dad offered me the smallest smile. “Your mother doesn’t feel like talking about it at the moment. You need to give her some time. So, that leaves me. I hope you don’t think I’m cold enough to shut you out until she’s ready to deal with this.”
“No. Okay.” Surprised, I sipped my coffee. Dad was being more talkative than I’d ever known him. “Well, Tam and I don’t look alike, apart from our eyes. And we didn’t even know each other existed. When we met, in a way it was like meeting someone we, um, were attracted to. It took a while to develop with me, but Tam says it was pretty much instant with him. It was only when he was staying here, we went clubbing and there was a ‘moment.’ Then we panicked and he rushed off home, and we didn’t speak for a while.”
“Hm.” Dad nodded as if he remembered.
“We missed each other, so we got over it. Or thought we did. But, I don’t know. We care for each other. We couldn’t help it.”
“As twins, you’re bound to have deep feelings for each other.”
“It was way more than that. I did a lot of research online and talked to some other people who were in similar situations. Apparently, it’s not all that unusual if you don’t grow up together. It’d be weirder if we were brought up as brothers. And if we were identical.”
“It’s illegal.”
“I know that. We both know that. We agonized over it. But that law was made to try to prevent inbred children, wasn’t it? I doubt they were thinking about brothers when they made it. Anyway, the only other person who knows is Tam’s best friend. To everyone else, we’re just two guys in a relationship. We look different, we have different last names. I’ve never even seen my birth certificate, and I assume that has Tam’s dad named on it, but there isn’t anything else. I don’t think it’ll be a problem in that way.” Finally, I lifted my gaze and met his eyes. “Aren’t you mad? Disgusted? Something?”
“I’m… disappointed. I find it difficult to grasp. What you said makes sense, I suppose, about you not knowing each other before you were adults. But I’m not mad. You’re my son. I love you. I don’t say it, I know. My side of the family have never been very open about anything. I just want you to be happy, Matthew. You haven’t chosen an easy path for yourself, that’s for sure. And if it doesn’t work out, what then?”
“We talked about it. We’d move past it and stay close. Neither of us wants to lose the other half of us, even if it was awkward for a while. What are you saying, Dad? You can accept me being with him?”
“It’ll take a bit of time.” He sipped his coffee, then cupped his hands around the mug.
I sighed. “Yeah. I get that. Thanks. What should I do about Mum?”
“Hang around today. She might want to talk to you later.”
I finished my coffee and made my way up to my old room. Sitting on the bed, I replayed the conversation with my dad over and over. It hardly seemed real. I’d expected him to be the one to avoid me; to refuse to talk about. Or perhaps he’d have called me disgusting and banished me from the house, and his life. But he listened to me and promised to try to understand. I wanted to pinch myself.
Several hours passed before I ventured downstairs again. Hunger drove me to find food, and I realized I hadn’t eaten since before my parents left Hope Cove the previous day. I made a sandwich and had just finished eating, when my mother came into the kitchen, unusually for her wearing jeans and a shirt.
“Mum!” I jumped up from the breakfast bar. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m very tired, Matthew. I haven’t slept.”
“I’m sorry.” She didn’t respond. “Can we talk?” I prompted.
“I can’t talk to you right now. This has been a shock. I don’t even want to think about it, although I can’t get it out of my head.”
“Sorry,” I repeated. “I didn’t mean for you to find out like that.”
“It wouldn’t matter how we found out! Telling us wouldn’t make it any better than me walking in on you!” Her voice was harsh and for the first time in as long as I could remember, she glared at me. “I wish we’d never told you he existed!” With that, she stalked out of the room, and moments later I heard my parents’ bedroom door slam behind her.
Shaken, I leaned on the counter as my legs threatened to give way. Tears pricked my eyes, and I fumbled my phone out of my pocket. I’d completely forgotten to text Tam when I arrived, and it had been hours. I had three missed calls and eight texts on my phone, and I groaned as I realized it was on the silent setting. I didn’t bother to check the messages first. Instead, I sent him a text straight away. Sorry not been in touch. Dad is ok, trying to understand. Mum won’t talk. I love you. Will be home tomorrow.
Love you too. Call me if you need to. The reply came in seconds as if he’d been holding his phone, waiting for me to contact him. Shit. He must have been worried sick. I tapped out one more message to let him know I’d call that evening. I put the phone away as my dad came back into the room.
“Should I leave?”
“I think it’d be best, for now.”
Crushed, I looked up at his face. “Mum said she wished you never told me about Tam.”
“I heard. She doesn’t mean it. She doesn’t know how to deal with it, that’s all. Look, stay in a hotel and I’ll give you a call in the morning. We all need some time. Don’t drive home tonight, will you?”
I shook my head. “I’m too tired.”
Twenty minutes later, I checked into the closest motel and called Tam. I hadn’t brought my phone charger with me, so the call had to be kept short, but hearing his voice made me feel a hundred times better. All I could do was hope and pray my mother would come around, and at least tolerate my life with him if she couldn’t accept us. But perhaps having my dad’s tentative support was as much as I could hope for.
Chapter Nineteen
Matthew
I slept almost ten hours that night. I’d expected to toss and turn, worrying about my mother, but exhaustion wiped me out and I woke in the same position I’d lain down in, with the bed covers barely rumpled. My head ached from the deep sleep, and I took a long shower and drank some water. I needed coffee. I dressed in yesterday’s clothes, grumbling over my failure to pack anything. After I checked out of the motel, I grabbed a McDonald’s breakfast with a large coffee, before making my way back to see my parents. Dad let me in again, and one look at his face told me nothing had changed.
“Come in, son.” He stood aside, then closed the door and led me into the kitchen. “Do you want some coffee?”
“Yes, please.” The headache still lingered, and a fresh brewed mug was preferable to the fast food chain’s coffee.
“Did you sleep okay?”
“Yes, actually. I was knackered. How’s Mum?”
“She’s still struggling.” Dad offered me a forced smile as he passed me my coffee. “I’m sorry. There’s not much I can do until she’s ready to talk to you.”
“Will she
ever be? She seemed pretty clear yesterday, that Tam and I being together is unacceptable.”
“I don’t know. She won’t talk to me either. Only to say she doesn’t understand either you or me. We can only give her time and hope for the best. While I can’t say I support your choice completely, Matthew, like I said yesterday, you are my son. I want you to be happy, and I am trying to understand.”
“Thanks, Dad. It’s more than I expected, honestly.” My heart sank. I’d always been much closer to my mother, and when I longed for her acceptance, if not her approval, she was shutting me out. She wouldn’t even give me the chance to try to explain how I felt. “Do you think I should go home?”
“Well, that’s up to you. I have to go back to work later. I’m not sure what your mother’s plans are today, but she’s said she’s not ready to talk about this. I have tried, but she’d rather not see you just yet.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat with difficulty. “I guess I’ll go home, then.”
We finished our coffees in silence, and Dad followed me out to the car. “I’ll call you tonight,” he promised, and gave me an unexpected, crushing hug. “Drive safely. Try not to worry too much.”
I sent Tam a text before I set off, letting him know I was on my way back. I didn’t mention my parents. I’d rather talk to him in person, and have the comfort of his arms around me. I turned the music up loud, and started the long and painful journey back to Hope Cove.
I stopped once on the way to refuel, use the bathroom, and grab a sandwich. When I made it home, it was mid-afternoon and Tam was at work. I’d forgotten he wouldn’t be there when I arrived, and I paced around miserably, before settling down to watch whatever was on the TV. Nothing held my attention, and I went out for a walk. The fresh sea air made me feel better physically. I worked up an appetite on the coast path, and picked up pizza on the way home.
An hour later, Dad called. He was still at work, catching up after being away for a day and a half, but he did his best to cheer me up by telling me to “hang in there,” and that he’d try to talk to Mum again when he got home. I didn’t hold out much hope. She didn’t want to talk to me, and from the few words she had said, she would never be able to accept Tam and me.
When Tam returned from work, he found me staring at the TV again, unaware of the program that was showing. He came to me immediately and wrapped his arms around me. “How bad was it?”
“Do I look that awful?” I smiled wanly.
“You’re watching soap reruns.”
I glanced at the screen and rolled my eyes. “Yeah, I didn’t notice. Dad’s okay.” I hugged him tight, relieved to feel him against me. “He made a real effort to understand. He doesn’t yet, but he said he wants me to be happy. Mum won’t even talk to me. I thought it would be the other way around—that he’d avoid me and refuse to talk, and she’d at least discuss things with me. She said—” I gulped, still shocked by those words. “She said she wished they’d never told me about you.”
“I’m sorry. Maybe she just needs some time. Obviously, I don’t know her very well, but she seems so caring. Do you really think she’ll shut you out for being with me?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “She won’t even talk to Dad at the moment. I think she’s too disgusted with me to consider it. Dad said to give her some time and he’ll try talking to her again. I suppose I should be thankful he’s kind of on side.”
I didn’t want to talk about it any longer. All I wanted, was to fall into bed and be with Tam—the other half of me in every sense of the word.
We showered together, using the opportunity only to help each other freshen up, before we snuggled under the covers together. For the first time being naked together was completely non-sexual. We held each other and exchanged gentle kisses, and finally I began to feel better. The knot in my stomach remained, as I longed for a message from my mother to say it would be all right, but so long as I had Tam, that was the most important thing in my world.
I woke to the sound of my phone vibrating on the cabinet beside the bed. I groped for it, forcing my heavy eyelids to lift. Tam grunted softly in his sleep and pressed closer to my side, his erection nudging my hip. I couldn’t help a grin as I finally got the phone in my hand and answered it without checking who was calling.
“’Lo?”
“Mattie? It’s Mum.”
Abruptly dislodging Tam, I sat up, heart pounding. “Mum. Hi.”
“Did I wake you? It’s early, I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. What time is it?”
“Seven thirty.” She cleared her throat and abandoned the small talk. “Mattie, I wanted to talk to you. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long. I just couldn’t. I needed to think about things.”
“I know. I can understand that.” I pressed my finger to my lips as Tam stirred beside me, and he lay still, listening.
“I had a long talk with your Dad last night. I’m sorry I didn’t speak to you when you were here. I mean properly. What I did say was cruel.”
“It’s okay. You were shocked.”
“It’s not okay, Mattie. Saying I wished we’d never told you about… him, was a horrible thing to say. Anyway, I wanted to speak to you as soon as possible and put things right. I am sorry for what I said. But I still don’t understand. This isn’t what I wanted for you. You must know how wrong it is.”
“Yes, we know. But how wrong is it really, if you love somebody? We tried to avoid each other and pretend it wasn’t happening, but we were miserable. This is the way things are. I’m sorry if you can’t accept it.” I groped for Tam’s hand and held tight.
There was a short silence. I held my breath, waiting for her to respond, and Tam squeezed my hand reassuringly, lifting it to kiss my knuckles. I extended one finger and brushed it along his jaw.
“I am finding it very difficult.” Mum paused again. “I love you, Mattie. Your father and I both do. We want you to be happy.”
“I am. Very.”
“Yes, well, that’s why I’m doing my best to get past how I feel about this. I don’t want to think about you with him like that. But you are old enough to make your own decisions. You must have thought about the consequences, of people finding out, and if it doesn’t work for you.”
“Yeah. We’ve talked about it. We know what we’re doing.”
“Then I’ll do my best to get used to the idea. You just need to give me some time.”
“Thanks, Mum.” I heaved a sigh of relief. It was going better than I’d expected.
“Your dad and I thought we’d come for another visit in a couple of months. Summer must be lovely where you are. By then we’ll both have had the time to get used to the situation.” She still couldn’t say Tam’s name, or refer to our relationship directly, but at least we were talking, and things were better than they had been over the past couple of days.
“That’d be great,” I said with a smile. “I’ll—we’ll look forward to it.” There was nothing more to say just then, and when I hung up, I pulled my hand free of Tam’s and slid my arms around him instead. “I think it’s going to be okay.”
“What did she say?”
“That she’ll do her best to get used to us being together, and they’ll come for a visit in a couple of months. She’s not really happy about it, but she wants me to be happy. It’s better than I hoped for. Before they found out, I imagined if they did, they’d hate me.”
“I know. I suppose we’re lucky. At least they’re both trying to understand.” Tam pressed closer and brought out lips together. Finally, I could relax again and put my worries aside.
Epilogue
Tremaine
“Well, that went better than I imagined.” Matt wrapped his arms around me and hugged me tight. His parents had spent the day with us, and had just driven away to Salcombe, where they were staying in a hotel.
“Yeah, they both seemed quite relaxed.” I’d been surprised by how pleasant Malcolm and Julie had been toward me, but it had taken a long time for
them to come around, particularly Julie. Malcolm had done his best to accept us, and offered his support to Matt on the phone countless times when he’d worried his mother would never be able to get over her distaste for our relationship. It had been almost three months since Matt went to St. Albans to see them, but finally they’d made the first move by offering to visit rather than waiting for an invite, and it seemed to be going well. But there was still an elephant in the room. Neither Malcolm nor Julie had directly referred to our relationship.
“They’re still a bit wary, but they’ve had plenty of time to get used to us now.” Matt grinned. “I think they were dreading us being all touchy-feely in front of them.”
“I was dying to hold your hand. But at least we didn’t make them uncomfortable.”
“Yeah, they’ll need a bit longer for that. And they’re still worried other people will find out and broadcast it, or give us problems. I don’t see how they would find out. We already talked about that a dozen times. But so long as we’re together, I really don’t care. You are my life, Tam.”
I pulled back enough to meet his eyes, and saw the love shining back at me, mirroring my own. “Love you.” I gave him a peck on the lips, and pressed back into his embrace.
The last few months had been amazing. After spending three years alone and lonely, with that ache inside me while I waited for our twenty-firsts when Matt would hopefully find out about me, I couldn’t have wished for anything more. Every day since Dad told me, I’d prayed for the time to go quicker, for my unknown twin to want to find me and fill the hole in my life. But I never could have imagined I’d find my soul mate in him, too.
We’d both had our doubts and fears when we realized there was more between us than having shared a womb, but every moment with him had been special. We had the perfect place to live, our little online business was starting to do well, and in a couple more weeks Matt was starting his art course. Stef had introduced us to a couple of guys he knew, and they’d got to know us as just “Matt and Tam,” another gay couple to hang out with. Occasionally we all spent a weekend in Plymouth or Torquay, to give us the opportunity to go clubbing, or have a nice meal and go to the movies. Salcombe and the surrounding areas had everything we needed, but we enjoyed trips to the cities.