Allelujah!

by Alan Bennett

  Thumbs up from Cliff. The camera withdraws.

  Gilchrist has come on.

  Gilchrist And closure, too, to the unpermitted thoughts.

  Valentine What are those?

  Gilchrist The uncaring thoughts. The real thoughts of a carer.

  Salter returns.

  Salter You do have the death certificate?

  Valentine Of course.

  Salter And cause of death?

  Valentine Whatever fancy name we choose to give it – old age.

  Salter Quite so.

  If he does make a complaint, he hasn’t got a hope. Particularly so as ultimately any complaint ends up with me. The buck stops here. One feels almost sorry for them. Though at this age, most relatives are grateful.

  Valentine (drily) They did donate the Lucozade.

  Salter And post-mortems by request don’t come cheap. These days they have to contribute.

  Valentine, a word.

  An entirely unrelated matter. I’m not in the slightest bit worried about this, but one of the ladies has seen fit not actually to complain but to suggest that you’ve been touching her … inappropriately, stroking her …

  Valentine Stroking her what?

  Salter No no. Not stroking her anything. Just … stroking her. Taking her hand. That sort of thing. Being affectionate.

  Valentine And should I not?

  Salter Oh no no. Of course you should. And some of the old biddies I’m sure appreciate it. After all they’re not untouchables (sorry!) but what once upon a time would be called bedside manner these days borders on … interference.

  Valentine I’ve been too loving?

  Salter No–o. Though on another occasion you were seen to make an inappropriate gesture.

  Valentine What sort of gesture?

  Salter You … blew the old ladies a kiss.

  Valentine That’s forbidden?

  Salter Just endeavour to be more detached. A whisker less affectionate. More … unfeeling. In a word, more professional.

  Valentine Touching the patient has always seemed to me part of the treatment.

  Salter Oh it is. It is. It’s just a question of being less … well, remembering that you’re a doctor, you can be less human.

  Incidentally, we’re in duty bound to enter this on your record, not that anything will happen. Just so that we’re all of us in the clear.

  Valentine Of course.

  Back on the geriatric ward.

  Hazel (coming across Ambrose in his chair) I like you, Gilbert. You’re more refined. Do you want to go for a little ta-ta?

  Ambrose My name’s not Gilbert and no, I don’t.

  He reaches for his earphones, but she puts them out of reach.

  Hazel No. We’re practising the art of conversation. They’ve put me in this cardigan. I said to them: tangerine’s a common colour.

  You’ve got lovely fingernails. Were you a dentist?

  Ambrose gets hold of his earphones and puts them on.

  I thought she was going to be someone a bit more classy, that Pudsey Nightingale. ‘It was my house.’ I said, give over. I was awake when she went. Next thing you know they’re fetching on the trolley. Exit the Pudsey Nightingale.

  I’ve never heard a nightingale. Have you? You don’t get them in industrial areas. I did hear a cuckoo once only that was over towards Harrogate where you could understand it.

  Ambrose has taken off the earphones in despair. Valentine comes on, and Ambrose wildly signals for help.

  Valentine Hazel. You’re wanted.

  Hazel Me? Me and Gilbert were just having a nice little chat.

  Valentine Pop along to Shirley Bassey. Do you know where that is?

  Hazel Course. Shirley Bassey was Princess Margaret. I’m not barmy.

  She goes.

  Ambrose One wonders how it is Hazel has managed to survive so long without being throttled.

  I’m not barmy, am I?

  Valentine No.

  Ambrose Am I a joke?

  Valentine Ambrose, you’re old, that’s all. Are you still expecting your visitor?

  Ambrose Well, he hasn’t been.

  Valentine That’s good though, isn’t it? The important thing is to have something to look forward to.

  Ambrose Yes. I wish I could just slip away like Mrs Maudsley. Only life has one in its jaws and it doesn’t give one up without a struggle. They talk about the jaws of death. Well, it’s not death that has jaws. It’s life. And now, here comes pain with its gull’s beak.

  Valentine We’ll get you a tablet.

  He wheels Ambrose away.

  Mavis Has he ever mentioned a Mrs Ambrose?

  Lucille Not to my knowledge.

  Mavis That’s sad.

  Lucille Maybe he’s not cut out for it.

  Mavis What?

  Lucille Marriage.

  Mavis Course, when we first started, marriage was still the gateway to sexual intercourse.

  Lucille Well, yes and no. I jumped the gun a bit. What was yours like?

  Mavis Ellis?

  He’d been well brought up.

  He always asked first and said thank you afterwards.

  Which is all you want really.

  Lucille What did you call it?

  Mavis We didn’t call it anything.

  We didn’t talk about it.

  Lucille We never talked about anything else. Except football. I had three husbands, all of them football mad.

  I’d outlaw football.

  Mavis With Ellis it was pigeons. Pigeons and model aeroplanes.

  Lucille Pigeons. Football. Still, it was better than this.

  Andy wheels Joe into the ward.

  Andy Here we are again. Fatima Whitbread.

  Joe So. Have you worked out any more small talk?

  Andy shrugs.

  Actually, never mind small talk, I’m busting for my bottle. Where is it?

  Andy I’m not sure if I should be giving it to you.

  Joe Why not? Give us it here.

  Andy Health and Safety.

  Joe I’m busting.

  Andy holds it out, then takes it back

  Andy What do you say?

  Joe No, you little sod. Give us it here.

  Andy A little word? Beg. Beg.

  Joe Please, you rotten bugger.

  He gives him it and Joe pees.

  Andy ‘Thank you’?

  Joe ‘Thank you’ my arse. You don’t belong in a hospital, you. You ought to be in a Borstal.

  Andy Borstal? I’ve got a GCSE.

  Joe So what? Our Colin’s got ten, not to mention the ones that come after.

  Andy What?

  Joe A-Levels. Four. Starred.

  You must be sorry the mines have gone, you.

  Andy Why?

  Joe Because they let you in no questions asked. You, you’re going nowhere. One won’t get you far.

  Andy They’ve done you in, though, haven’t they?

  Joe What?

  Andy The mines.

  Joe I was happy.

  Andy And now you’re an invalid.

  I bet at your Colin’s work they don’t all pile into the baths like you did. He won’t be scrubbing the Minister’s back.

  Joe He’s scrubbing it already.

  Andy He’d probably have been happier doing all that.

  Joe All what?

  Andy Showers and that.

  Joe What’s that supposed to mean?

  Andy All that Lycra and stuff. That’s what he likes. Is

  that why he went off to London?

  Joe (does some of this bring on his coughing?) You dirty-minded little arsehole.

  Andy ‘Have a go on my bike.’ We know what that means. He was trying it on.

  Joe Our Colin? He never was. And if he was, it wouldn’t be with you.

  Andy Who would it be with? Another Mr Ten-A-Levels? He doesn’t realise things have changed up here. There’s gay clubs in Barnsley these days. That’s where they scrub each other’s backs now.

&
nbsp; Joe Where is she?

  Andy Who?

  Joe That nurse. She was due to cut my toenails.

  Andy You’re an old fart, you. What’re you doing in hospital? My grandad’s not in hospital and he’s older than you.

  Joe I have a rare disease.

  Andy Bollocks.

  He jigs the wheelchair about.

  Joe Stop jogging me.

  Andy Why, do you not like it?

  He does it more.

  Joe I’m entitled to respect.

  Andy You’re old. You’re entitled to fuck-all. Here.

  He gets the pee bottle and starts taunting him with it.

  Joe Leave off. It’s splashing me.

  Andy Oh dear. I am sorry. I’ve spilled a bit. Butterfingers.

  He sloshes the contents of the bottle over Joe.

  Joe Get off. Stop it, you rotten bugger.

  Andy You’re lucky it’s your own, not mine.

  Joe Help. Nurse!

  Pinkney comes in.

  Pinkney What is it? What’re you shouting about Joe?

  Joe I’m all wet.

  Andy If he’d said, I’d have taken him.

  Joe This, it’s not me. Honestly. It’s him.

  Andy Can I help?

  Pinkney No, I’ll see to him.

  Andy clears off.

  Joe It was him, the blighter.

  Pinkney I thought he was your friend.

  Joe So did I. He poured it over me.

  Pinkney Never.

  Joe He was showing off. It was him. It wasn’t me.

  Pinkney You’ve only wet your ’jamas. It’s not a tragedy.

  Joe It is for me.

  Pinkney Why?

  Joe If it goes down on her list, I’m done for.

  Pinkney Don’t be so silly. Only I’ll have to tell her.

  Joe Why? You could just change me. Come on. Be sharp and she won’t know.

  Pinkney is already on her mobile.

  Pinkney It’s Rosemary. Have you got a minute? Fatima Whitbread.

  Joe No. No.

  Pinkney She keeps a record. She has to know.

  Joe Her list.

  Pinkney It’s part of her economy drive.

  Enter Gilchrist.

  Gilchrist What is it?

  Pinkney I’m afraid Joe’s had a little accident.

  Joe I never have.

  Gilchrist Joe? This isn’t like you.

  Pinkney I thought I’d better tell you.

  Gilchrist You did right. Dear me, Joe. I don’t know. You’re all the same in the end.

  Joe It’s not me, this. Honestly. It’s him, the little monkey. He did it. The lying little sod. He poured it all over me.

  Gilchrist And why would he do that?

  Joe Out of devilment. It’s the way they are when they’re young.

  Pinkney Andrew? No. He’s got a GCSE.

  Gilchrist I’m disappointed in you, Joe. You’ve spoiled your record.

  And my dancing partner. I don’t want a partner who wets himself.

  Pinkney We’ll get you some dry things. I’m sorry.

  Joe Judas.

  Later. The ward. Night. Gilchrist, alone on stage, makes a phone call.

  Gilchrist Ramesh. Don’t get over-excited. We may have a bed coming up.

  Tonight or first thing.

  I’ll be in touch.

  MUSIC: a pre-echo of the waltz that Gilchrist and Joe will dance later.

  Two of the old ladies dance.

  Joe talks to his son on his mobile under the bedclothes.

  Joe It’s your dad.

  Where do you think I am? I’m in bed. On the ward. Where are you?

  A box? What kind of a box?

  The opera? I didn’t know you liked opera.

  If you don’t, why do you go?

  You’re with the Health Secretary? Does he like opera?

  Well, why does he go then?

  Who lends him the box? Pharmaceuticals? Do they like opera?

  Speak up. What’s all that going on?

  Tosca?

  No, I don’t want to listen. You listen to me. I’m ringing to say goodbye.

  I may not be here in the morning.

  Why? Because I’m like a trophy. The longest-living patient. The King of the Jungle. I’m on her list. I thought she liked me.

  Don’t ‘Dad’ me.

  Why have you got to go?

  What big number?

  She stabs him? What did he do? Wet himself?

  What’s it about?

  Love.

  I bet that’s not cheap, a box.

  Opera in the Minister’s box. Goodbye, Colin. You’ve come a long way.

  Gilchrist in the ward with a mug of milk.

  Joe Here you are, Alma, prowling the ward.

  Gilchrist I don’t prowl. I patrol.

  Good news.

  Joe Yes?

  Gilchrist Your infection’s cleared up.

  Joe Why is that good news?

  Gilchrist You’re much better. You’re eligible for discharge.

  Joe When?

  Gilchrist Tomorrow.

  Joe Tomorrow? No. Where do I go? There’s no room at The Cedars.

  Gilchrist That’s what I thought. Only you’re in luck. Someone’s died.

  Joe He’s the lucky one. It’s a bin. I’m not going back there. I’m not.

  Gilchrist Drink your milk.

  Joe I liked us dancing.

  Gilchrist Same here.

  Joe Do you want a go now?

  Gilchrist If we’re quiet.

  They dance.

  MUSIC: ‘I Can Give You the Starlight’ (Ivor Novello).

  Joe (as they finish) It’s the last waltz.

  Gilchrist Don’t be so daft.

  Joe I’ll miss you getting your medal.

  Gilchrist No.

  Joe With going to The Cedars.

  Gilchrist Oh yes. Well, never mind.

  Aren’t you going to drink your milk?

  He doesn’t say anything.

  Well, it’s there if you want it.

  Goodnight. God bless.

  The scene ends with him staring at the milk.

  Colin, Valentine, Salter and Gilchrist, the following day. Colin in suit and his office clothes, having plainly just arrived.

  Colin I was sympathetic up to a point, but I was in the middle of an important meeting. I wasn’t free to talk.

  Gilchrist Your father said you were at the opera. Tosca.

  Colin Yes.

  Gilchrist With the Health Secretary.

  Colin We had things to discuss. The opera was incidental. What else did he say?

  Gilchrist He was very proud, but he was upset you couldn’t talk.

  Colin I did talk.

  Gilchrist I left him a cup of something. To settle him down.

  Colin What sort of something?

  Gilchrist Milk. Hot milk.

  Colin He said he was going to die. He was on a list.

  Salter I have to say, Mr Colman, such fantasies are not unusual.

  Valentine And he had been ill. A chest infection. Which would make him vulnerable to quicker deterioration.

  Colin He was in fear of his life.

  Salter Patients often feel threatened, imagine that their belongings have been taken, for instance, the world a hostile place.

  Colin Have there been other unexplained deaths?

  Salter Valentine?

  Valentine To die at eighty-six is hardly unexplained.

  Colin What are the figures? How does the death rate compare with that in equivalent institutions?

  There is a silence.

  Don’t you know?

  Salter Valentine?

  Valentine I don’t have the figures at my fingertips. Comparing like for like, I should be surprised if they were unusual.

  Colin Any spike? Five minutes on the computer would tell you.

  Valentine Supposing the figures were high, geriatrics is the end. People die.

  Gilchrist And, the ward was im
maculate. What relatives came to visit remarked on it.

  Salter And no one ever complained.

  Valentine No, though …

  Colin Though what?

  Salter What Valentine is referring to is a complaint, specious in my view, over a patient – Mrs Maudsley – her daughter and son-in-law having found themselves disadvantaged by Mrs Maudsley’s decease and are seeking compensation from the hospital.

  Colin Do you carry out post-mortems?

  Valentine Not invariably.

  Colin ‘Not invariably’?

  Valentine Not usually. These were patients in their eighties and nineties.

  Colin So you keep saying. Who signed the death certificates?

  Salter Dr Valentine, naturally.

  Valentine It was a matter of course. Here, death is no stranger.

  Salter Sister Gilchrist, have you anything to add?

  Gilchrist I am not sure what is being suggested. That I was negligent?

  Valentine Or that I was?

  Colin I am not suggesting anything. Like any other grieving relative, I would just like some answers.

  Colin on the mobile to George as the old people assemble.

  It’s what I thought about this place from the start. It’s too cosy.

  They’re having an inquest on this other old lass, Mrs Maudsley, but only because the family kicked up. If I want one I shall have to wait on that.

  Course I do. Bring it on.

  I know my father’s dead, George. But on the plus side, none of this is going to do the hospital any good.

  MUSIC: ‘Sunny Side of the Street’.

  Mary approaches Cliff with the camcorder.

  Cliff Hello, darling.

  Mary She seemed right as rain. Still going on about her house. I don’t want to get anybody into trouble.

  Ambrose I do apologise but I’m afraid I can’t be there at your presentation.

  Gilchrist No problem. I wish I didn’t have to be there myself.