Ravensong

by ML Hamilton

  “Elliot…” began Robert.

  Elliot shot him a furious look, then faced Julian. “Stay,” he said, then strode for the door.

  * * *

  Joshua paused on the edge of the stage and watched Elliot trying to tune his guitar. Elliot was frowning in annoyance. He hated to spend the time it took to really get each string in key. He had too volatile a personality for such fine, aggravating work.

  Joshua moved onto the stage. “I’ll tune it,” he offered.

  Elliot didn’t even look up at him. “Go to hell,” he muttered under his breath.

  Joshua came to halt, stunned. Elliot had never talked to him like that before. “El, listen to me.”

  Elliot’s head snapped up and fixed on Joshua’s face. “Nothing you say will ever make this okay. We’re done.”

  “I see.”

  “No, you don’t see anything. Was it just because I wanted her? Did you really have to show me that I couldn’t compete? I knew that already. You didn’t have to prove it to me.” His features contorted. “Was it worth it? Really, was it worth the loss of our friendship, the breakup of the band? Was it worth it just to show me?”

  Joshua drew a deep breath and exhaled. “I love her, El,” he said.

  Elliot blink in surprise and his hands tightened on the guitar. “What?”

  “You heard me. I didn’t want to hurt our friendship, I didn’t want to break up the band. I should have told you, but it didn’t have anything else to do with you. It had to do with me and her. I love her and I’m not going to apologize for that.”

  Without another word, Joshua turned on his heel and left the stage.

  * * *

  Standing in the wings, watching Rage perform, Joshua couldn’t deny his shoulders tensed whenever the crowd surged toward the stage. Once or twice a fan had climbed onto the stage in a past concert, but never like the show where he’d been knocked to the ground. His memory of the event was hazy. The doctor said concussions sometimes caused memory loss, but he could clearly recall the moment before they made it to the stage.

  It had been a moment of surreal clarity. Bodies writhing, swarming, then colliding. He’d felt their hands on him, tearing at his clothes, reaching for his hair. Somewhere in his mind, he’d known he should try to stay on his feet, but the weight of them had forced him back and then his shoes had slipped on the stage.

  He tried to twist and break his fall, but he’d smacked his head on the edge of Michael’s elevated platform and beyond that everything had become unclear. Except one thing. Elliot’s voice in his ear, Elliot’s shoulder bracing him, Elliot’s strength pushing through the crowd. Elliot.

  Closing his eyes, he breathed deeply. He hated the rift between him and Elliot. He didn’t count many people as friends, but Elliot had been one, closer even. Elliot was family. And Joshua didn’t know how to fix it. He wasn’t going to give up Elena and he wasn’t going to apologize for their relationship. He couldn’t even tell Elliot that he’d kept the secret because of her job. He wouldn’t put any of the blame on her, but still, it was hard to see Elliot everyday and not be able to talk with him as he had in the past.

  Joshua opened his eyes as Rage took their final bow and the lights went out on the stage. The band members crowded into the wings around him, laughing and joking in an adrenaline rush. The crowd was chanting, demanding an encore.

  “Man, that’s wild,” said Evan, throwing his arm around Joshua’s shoulder. “Better than any drug.”

  Joshua offered him a half-hearted smile.

  The cacophony grew. People stomped their feet, shouted, clapped their hands together. Joshua understood what Evan was feeling. He’d felt it so many times before. It was intoxicating to have your name chanted by thousands of people, and yet, he found himself shifting uneasily.

  The other band members started moving toward the stage and the house lights came up. Evan turned to Joshua. “Do the encore with us. You can use my guitar.”

  Joshua shook his head, panic suddenly filling him.

  “Come on. Give them a treat. They’ll go crazy!”

  Joshua glanced over his shoulder at the Avalanche band members. They were sitting around the backstage area, watching him. He couldn’t read their expressions, but he didn’t think they’d appreciate him playing for another band right now when their band was in jeopardy.

  “Not a good idea, Evan,” he said, nodding at Avalanche.

  Evan studied them also. “I guess you’re right,” he said. Then he slapped Joshua on the shoulder and stepped into the spotlight.

  Joshua shifted so he could watch the crowd. They were moving in abandon, waving their arms in the air, and bopping to the pulsing thrum of Rage’s sound.

  “It’s got to make you think,” came a voice behind him.

  Joshua tensed, his jaw clenching.

  “The music makes them act like animals. Look at them, they don’t even know where they are.”

  Joshua wasn’t going to turn and give Julian the satisfaction of knowing he could hear him.

  “One moment they’re civilized, the next, they’re like sharks who’ve smelt blood. And once they’ve got a taste for human flesh, they will take any opportunity that presents itself to devour you.”

  Joshua could feel a cold sweat breaking out across his forehead and he clenched his hands to stop their trembling. God, he didn’t want Julian to know what he was doing to him.

  “They say they love you. They worship you like a god, but given the chance, they’ll tear you apart. Isn’t that how it is, they all want a part of you, just a small part? They take and take and soon nothing is left.”

  Joshua realized he was starting to breathe faster. He had to slow his heart rate.

  “God, look at them, just look. Any opening and they’ll be up there on the stage, and they won’t care who they take out. Remember…remember what it felt like. Their hands tearing at you, trying to get a piece, their bodies smothering you…”

  Joshua whipped away, knocking Julian back. The other Avalanche members were a blur as he headed for the bathroom. Dominic’s voice buzzed in his head, but he slammed the door shut behind him and fumbled to lock it.

  Moving to the sink, he turned the handle on the cold water as far as he could, watching the water pour into the bowl, then he thrust his hands into it and filled them, bending to throw it into his face. The cold startled him and he gasped, but he cupped some more and washed his face with it.

  His hands were trembling as he turned off the nozzle, his legs weak beneath him. He leaned on the wall beside the sink and slid down until he was sitting on the floor. Letting his hands dangle over his knees, he stared at the scars on his wrist.

  Why had he let Julian unsettle him like that? He knew Julian had achieved exactly what he wanted.

  A loud knock on the door startled him and set his heart to pounding again.

  “You okay, man,” shouted Dominic.

  Joshua expelled his held breath and let his head fall back against the tiled wall. “I’m fine.”

  “You sure.”

  “Yeah, I’ll be out in a minute. I just need a little time.”

  “Okay, but Rage is done and they’re setting up the stage right now.”

  “Got it,” said Joshua, fighting annoyance. “I’ll be out in a minute, please.”

  Dominic didn’t answer for a moment. Joshua knew he’d do one of two things: guard his privacy or break the door in.

  “You got five, man,” came the answer.

  Joshua gave a miserable bark of laughter, then lowered his head in his hands and closed his eyes again.

  * * *

  Elena looked up as Joshua entered the backstage party. He stumbled to a halt, clearly surprised by all of the people Julian had invited. His hair was still damp from his shower and his face looked tired and drawn. Elena felt a wave of concern wash over her.

  She rose to her feet and wound her way through the people. No one seemed too interested in her, letting her pass without a problem. She hoped she c
ould make it to Joshua before they became aware of him. He wouldn’t be so anonymous.

  His eyes fixed on her and he reached for her elbow. She moved close in against his side so she could talk to him over the loud voices. Avalanche music pulsated in the background, Joshua’s sultry voice weaving among the swaying bodies.

  “What the hell is this?” he said, shifting his gaze to the crowded room.

  She shrugged. “Julian’s doing. He must have given out three times as many backstage passes as usual.”

  Joshua’s jaw clenched.

  “Are you all right?” she asked.

  He nodded, still staring at the moving bodies.

  “Joshua, what’s going on? You’ve been acting different all night. What did Julian say to you before the concert?”

  He pulled his gaze from the room and refocused on her. “Nothing. I’m fine.” His voice didn’t sound convincing. Elena grew more concerned.

  “I saw him talking to you and then you went into the bathroom.”

  Joshua sighed. “Elena, I’m fine. He didn’t say anything or if he did, I didn’t hear him.”

  Elena knew he was lying, but she didn’t feel secure enough in their relationship to press him any further. She wanted trust between them. With both of their pasts, it was essential. “Do you want a drink?”

  He hesitated, his eyes moving out into the room again. A frown appeared on his brow. “I think I’ll just take the limo back to the hotel.” He looked at her again. “Do you mind?”

  “No, of course not. Do you want me to come with you?”

  He fingered a curl. “No, stay and enjoy yourself. I might tinker on Bobbie’s keyboard for a little while, jot down some notes, then probably go to sleep. I’m tired.”

  She tried to still the anxiety his words provoked. Trust was so difficult for her. “Take Dominic with you.”

  “Of course,” he said, then he forced a smile. It didn’t reach his eyes. “Don’t look so worried. Really, I’m fine. Just tired. Besides, I don’t feel too welcome at the moment.” He nodded at the other Avalanche members.

  Elena glanced over at them. He did have a point. This reason eased some of the stifling worry inside of her. “I understand,” she said, then wrapped her arms around him and held him close for a moment.

  He returned the embrace without hesitation, holding her tighter than she expected. Finally he let her go and lowered his head to press his lips to hers. He kissed her breathless, then released her. “Wake me up when you get back,” he said, giving her a wink. The gesture was so Ravensong that Elena felt the last of her concern slide away.

  He slipped out the door and Elena caught a glimpse of Dominic looming in the background, waiting for him.

  “Where the hell is he going?” said Julian behind her.

  She turned, hoping to block him from going after Joshua. “Back to the hotel. He’s exhausted.”

  Julian narrowed his eyes on the door. “I have people that want to meet him.”

  “I’m sorry,” she answered.

  Julian glared at her. “He’s acting so strange. Is he using again?”

  Elena’s temper snapped. “You have such a hateful streak in you. Why?”

  He gave her a slow, wicked smile. “Me, not at all. I’m just looking out for my investment. Be assured – that’s all Joshua Ravensong is to me. I have no other feelings about him whatsoever.”

  “Oh yes, that’s obvious,” Elena remarked, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

  Julian’s brows rose in surprise, but he gave no other expression away. Taking her elbow, he steered her into the room. “You’ll have to kiss ass in his place. I have some investors who are interested in backing a European tour.”

  For the next few hours, Elena was handed from one obligatory conversation to the next. The faces and names blurred after awhile, there were so many of them. Finally she slipped away, moving to the darker corners of the room where she hoped Julian wouldn’t think to look for her.

  Oddly enough, she found Elliot sitting on a couch, nursing a beer. She hesitated a moment, not wanting to face the situation, but he seemed so lonely sitting by himself that she felt a stab of guilt.

  Crossing to his side, she sank down on the couch. He didn’t even acknowledge her presence, taking a sip of his beer, then staring at it where it rested against his knee.

  “I’m not real good company right now,” he muttered.

  Elena leaned back on the sofa and stretched out her legs, sliding her shoes off her sore feet. “I’m not really looking for company anyway.” She studied the people all around, lost in their own worlds of conversation and booze, blocking out the other conversations that went on around them.

  “How’d you get away from Julian?”

  “Just walked away,” she said without looking at him.

  Elliot took another sip. “You sure jump when he commands. And you don’t even look sick about it.”

  Elena shifted on the couch and gave him a severe look. “I’m not your enemy, Elliot, so don’t pick a fight with me.”

  “I’m just saying that you go to great lengths to smooth Julian’s way. I thought you had more fight in you than that.”

  “Well, then I guess we’re both disappointed in each other,” she said, turning away.

  Elliot was silent for a moment, then he took another sip. “What the hell did that mean? What did I do to disappoint you?”

  She closed her eyes and sighed wearily. “Nothing. I just thought you were a more loyal friend than you are.”

  “That’s pretty low, lady. I wasn’t the one that betrayed the friendship. Or isn’t Joshua held to the same standard?” He gave a snort of bitter laughter. “Of course not. Not the perfect Joshua Ravensong. After all, we’re all here for him. He’s the true star and we’re all orbiting in his gravity. Sorry, I forgot.”

  She turned on the sofa and braced her elbow on the back of it, resting her head against her hand. “Joshua didn’t tell you because of me,” she said calmly. “I asked him to keep it a secret because I was afraid I would lose my job if anyone knew.” She rubbed at her temples, realizing a headache was beginning. “If you want to blame someone, blame me. Joshua was only trying to protect me.”

  Elliot studied her in silence, then drank from his beer. He snorted again. “Well, here’s what you don’t get – he could have told me anything. I would never have let anything slip, but he didn’t. He kept it to himself, so don’t school me on loyalty when he never had an ounce of it himself.”

  “Elliot, you just don’t understand. Neither one of us knew what was happening and we were both terrified… still are, truth be known. We aren’t any good at relationships, neither one of us, and we aren’t even sure we can make this work. And yet we couldn’t stop seeing each other. Your feelings got hurt, but you and I were always friends, nothing more. I didn’t make any promises to you or encourage you in any way. You had no reason to believe there was anything more between us than friendship. The first time I saw Joshua, I was smitten. I can’t help that, anymore than I can help what happened. To give up your friendship over something that would never have happened between you and me is stupid, Elliot. Just plain stupid.” She took a breath and rose to her feet. “But obviously that is something you’ll have to make peace with on your own. Good night, El. I wish you an unblemished rest tonight.”

  With that she walked away without waiting for a response.

  CHAPTER 12

  Elena slammed the paper down on the table, turning to stare out of the window. She didn’t see anything but the words super-imposed on the glass in front of her.

  Avalanche’s Troubled Lead Singer in Trouble Again?

  The pulse of angry blood in her temples made her headache worse. Bloody hell, she knew who was behind this latest attack, but was Julian spurring these rumors for publicity or to hurt Joshua? Worse still was the quote from the unnamed roadie. She knew exactly who that roadie was. There were becoming too many snakes in the grass to keep track of, she thought.

  The han
dle turned on the bathroom door. Elena grabbed the paper and folded it, hiding the article. Joshua didn’t need anything else to worry him. With Elliot’s continued distance and whatever else was bothering him, Elena was concerned that he might worry himself into an illness before the tour ended. He wasn’t eating much and his sleep was constantly disturbed.

  She wasn’t sleeping much better. Whenever Joshua got up in the middle of the night, she was wide awake beside him. He wouldn’t tell her what was bothering him, he kept saying it was nothing, but she didn’t know how much more of his secrecy she could take.

  She didn’t think he was keeping anything big from her, nothing as big as this slanderous article suggested, but something was gnawing away at him and his lack of foreclosure only fueled her own insecurity.

  He halted and met her gaze, lowering his towel. She realized she was staring at him. “Something wrong?” he asked.

  She forced a smile and shook her head. Glancing at her watch, she rose to her feet. “I’d better get to the morning meeting.”

  He started drying his hair again. “That’s something I don’t miss.” He moved to the table and reached for the paper. “The review in here?”

  She pulled it away as she moved toward him. Kissing him, she shook her head. “No. I’ll just throw it in the recycle bin on the way out.”

  Joshua gave her an odd look. She knew she was acting strangely, but she really didn’t want him to see the article. “Okay,” he said. “I’m gonna head over to the stadium for sound-check then.”

  “Meet you there,” she replied with forced brightness, then hurried to the door and opened it.

  “Elena?”

  Glancing back over her shoulder, she tightened her hand on the paper. “What?”

  “You okay?”

  “Of course,” she laughed. “Just late. I don’t want to hear about it from Julian.”

  He nodded, but she knew he wasn’t convinced. He’d probably have Dominic bring him a paper the moment she closed the door. Ah well, she’d tried to protect him.

  She rehearsed what she would say to Julian during the elevator ride to the first floor. She wanted to confront him in front of the rest of the band. She wanted them to see what he was capable of doing, especially Elliot, but the moment she entered the room, her plan faded into the background.