Ravensong

by ML Hamilton

Blood pooled in the wound, then overflowed, pulsing with each beat of his heart, gushing into the sink. He sliced the other wrist the same way, but already his head was getting light and his knees were shaking. He backed up a few steps and connected with the open door, then slid down the surface of it until he was sitting on the floor. Both wrists were pulsing with his heartbeat and he carefully laid them across his thighs and let his eyes fall closed.

  The other pain had become distant and dull as a buzzing filled his head. He blinked when he heard someone call his name, then motion exploded all around him.

  “Help!” came his brother’s voice and something was pressed onto his wrists. “Help me, please!”

  He wanted to tell James to leave him alone, but he couldn’t make his mouth form the words. He tried to pull away, but his body wouldn’t respond, then the need to sleep became overwhelming.

  * * *

  “Talk to me, Joshua.” She’d had difficult patients before, but this one was proving harder than most. “Why did you try to kill yourself?”

  He narrowed his dark eyes on her and looked through her. Sometimes he seemed so far away, so lost in his own mind. What a hell that must be!

  “You said I wouldn’t become him, but I did.”

  “Become him? Your father?”

  “You said that I didn’t have to follow his path.”

  She nodded. “I meant that. We all have choices we can make, Joshua.”

  “But I did. I became him.”

  She frowned. She knew there was a reason for his actions, but often she couldn’t trace the pattern. That’s what made him so dangerous to himself, he was so unpredictable and she was always a step behind. “You struck someone?”

  He shook his head. “Worse. I damaged my own child.”

  She leaned back in her chair and studied him. This is why she was never on pace with him. She never had all of the information. “I don’t think I understand. I didn’t know you had a child.” She flipped the pages of his file. “There’s nothing in here about it. Your family didn’t indicate anything.”

  “They don’t know.”

  “Ah,” she said. “How did you find out? Better yet, when did you find out?” The missing piece fell into place just as she spoke. “The day you slit your wrists?”

  His eyes dropped to his bandaged wrists. She’d lost another week over this one. He’d been serious about it, cutting in the most damaging direction. And he might have been successful, if his brother hadn’t come in when he did. So much for suicide watch. She knew it was almost impossible to stop someone who was as determined as he was, but they should have made a better showing of it. His family had been equally outraged. She could still see the desperate, crippled look in his mother’s eyes.

  “You had a visitor that day, right? A young woman?” She’d approved it herself, hoping that the woman would spark some sign of life in him, but it had done the opposite. She held herself responsible. She should have been more insistent on knowing what the visit was about before she approved it. “What did she tell you?”

  “That she’s pregnant.”

  At least he was giving the information without her dragging it from him. She gave a nod. “I see.”

  “She wanted to know if I was using when we were together.” He looked at her, his eyes bleak. It scared her. “I was.”

  “And she wanted to know why?”

  “She said she had to have tests to see if the baby was damaged.” He closed his eyes and exhaled. “How can it not be? I was high all of the time.”

  Dr. Staddler leaned forward in her chair. “That doesn’t necessarily mean anything. We still don’t know enough about fetal development, Joshua. The baby might be fine.”

  “And it might not.”

  She nodded. “It might not, but don’t you think it would want to have a father to help it face that?”

  “One that caused the defect?”

  “Even then, Joshua.” She drummed her fingers on the desk in worry. “I assume she intends to keep the baby no matter the outcome of the test.”

  Joshua stared at her. “She said it was her meal ticket.”

  Dr. Staddler grimaced. Great, another thing for her to try and mitigate. “You don’t seem irresponsible to me, Joshua. How could you take your own life, knowing someone else might need you?”

  His expression crumbled. Such misery stared back at her that she felt her heart pick up speed. She’d seen this look before. Not all suicide was a cry for help. Sometimes the person really did want to die. Those were almost impossible to prevent.

  “I can’t take anymore. I can’t stand to look at myself in the mirror. All I see is shame, such shame. It’s more than I can take. Everywhere I look I’ve caused unbearable pain. And now a baby?” He wrapped a bandaged arm around his stomach in an unconscious gesture. “I just can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.”

  She came out of her chair and crossed around to him. Taking his free hand in hers, she squeezed it. “Yes, you can. You can do this. Let me help you. Let me carry some of this for awhile.”

  He met her gaze. “You can’t,” he whispered.

  CHAPTER 17

  Elena studied Joshua. He was asleep in the seat across from her, his expression far from serene. Even in sleep, he was frowning and flinching at things she could only imagine. He wouldn’t give her much information about what was wrong, but it was starting to gnaw at her.

  She’d confided in Kate, but Kate hadn’t been much help, telling her she didn’t know what to say. Kate didn’t approve of the relationship and thought Elena ought to cut her losses, that is until Elena told her she was in love with Ravensong and wasn’t about to walk away now.

  In truth, Elena’s dedication surprised no one more than herself. No man had ever put her through as much doubt and confusion as Joshua, but it didn’t even cross her mind to leave. The way he clung to her in the night was enough to keep her here, knowing that whatever demons he faced, she gave him some level of comfort.

  She heard the bus driver swear and glanced up as Elliot rose to his feet and peered out of the window next to her. She looked out as well. She couldn’t see the radio station, where the band was supposed to give an interview, due to the mob of people surrounding it. They filled the sidewalks and had even begun to move toward the bus as soon as they caught sight of it.

  Elena stared in shock. The interview was supposed to be done in secret, the public not knowing the location until after it aired, but fans were converging on the bus, forcing it to crawl to a halt.

  Elena reached over and touched James’ knee. He blinked open his eyes and squinted at her. She pointed out the window, where hands were beginning to appear, tapping against the glass.

  “Holy shit!” he said, startling Joshua.

  Joshua rubbed a hand over his face and then turned to the windows, leaning toward his brother for a better view.

  “What the hell is this?” shouted Julian, hurrying from the back of the bus to the front.

  “The station is surrounded,” remarked the bus driver, applying the brake. “I can’t even get close.”

  Julian grabbed his cell phone and dialed frantically. Elena could see the flashing light of police cars as they crawled through the crowd. She could hear Julian speaking rapidly into the phone as the doors of the radio station opened and a figure, escorted by security guards, forced his way through the crowd and to the doors of the bus. The bus driver opened the door only long enough to allow him inside.

  Julian slammed the phone shut and turned on him. “Are you Phillip?”

  “Yes, and you must be Julian.” He held out his hand to shake, but Julian moved closer to him, speaking into his face.

  “What the hell is this? We arranged a private interview with the band. No one was supposed to know about it until it aired.”

  Phillip frowned at him. “Yesterday you called and said that Ravensong…” He paused and smiled at Joshua. “…was signing five hundred autographs and posing for pictures with each recipient.”


  “What?”

  Phillip’s frown deepened. “We started promoting yesterday afternoon. Honestly we didn’t expect it to be this big, but who are we to complain? We’re the most popular radio station in the city right now.”

  The bus suddenly swayed and everyone grabbed for a hold. Joshua’s eyes whipped to the window and Elena could see the panic light in their dark depths. She reached over and took his hand, squeezing it.

  “I don’t know what you’re playing at,” said Julian in his coolest voice, “but I would never have made such an arrangement. We don’t drawn attention to any band member over the others. If this is some gimmick…”

  “Hold on a minute!” said Phillip. “I received your call myself. You made it very clear that you wanted a bigger promotion because you were getting ready to launch your European tour. Are you telling me that you aren’t going to honor our deal?”

  “I’m telling you…” began Julian.

  Joshua rose from his seat. “I’ll do it, Julian,” he said. His eyes shifted to Phillip. “Just get us into the studio safely. The band can give the interview, while I sign the autographs.”

  “Five hundred?” said Elliot, turning on him.

  Joshua shrugged.

  “We want Ravensong in on the interview. That will reach a lot more than five hundred,” complained Phillip.

  “That’s the deal,” said Joshua, casting an anxious glance at the window. The bus swayed again. “You’d better hurry and make up your mind. Someone’s liable to get hurt.”

  The station manager didn’t seem happy about the arrangement, but when the bus swayed once more, he gave in. “All right, I agree, but I wouldn’t have made this arrangement if I’d known it would turn out this way.” He glanced at the security guards. “Let us get the situation contained and we’ll begin.” He left the bus surrounded by his men and forced his way through the crowd back into the building.

  James pushed past his brother and advanced on Julian. “Are you sure you didn’t make this arrangement?”

  Julian’s eyes bulged. “Really? Do you really think I’d want to draw this much attention to your brother? I’m pushing for the band to become more independent. Ask him yourself.”

  Joshua pulled his brother back beside him. “I don’t think he did this, James. Not like this.”

  “Damn right I didn’t. Besides that, we have a concert tonight. Do you know how long this is going to take?” He glared at Joshua. “You shouldn’t have agreed.”

  “And risk a riot!” interrupted James. “Look out there.”

  Julian rubbed his eyes in frustration. “This tour has been one fiasco after another. It’s like we’re operating under a curse.”

  James’s gaze narrowed on him. “Exactly who knew about this interview? How many people did you tell?”

  Julian shrugged. “Same as always know. The band, the station, and my assistant.”

  “No one else?”

  Julian shook his head. “Of course not. Who else would I tell?”

  “What about your assistant? Is he trustworthy?”

  A look crossed Julian’s face. “I think he is, but he’s new.” He glared at Elena now. She glared back at him. “Yeah, he’s trustworthy. Besides, this strange shit was happening before he came on board.”

  “Until this tour is over, I suggest you keep these events as secret as possible. Don’t tell your assistant, don’t tell anyone but the band members in the privacy of your morning meetings. No one else.”

  Julian considered that for a moment, then he nodded. “You’re probably right.”

  “Here they come,” said Elliot, motioning out the window.

  * * *

  Joshua flexed his fingers and rubbed his palm. His mouth felt as stiff as his hand from smiling for so many pictures. He watched the last group press their way out of the door, fighting the crowd that still stood shoulder to shoulder outside.

  Julian moved in front of him. “You’re done. Go back to the hotel and get some rest. You’ve got about two hours to take a nap.”

  Joshua pushed himself to his feet. “What about sound check?”

  “We’ll take care of that. The rest of the guys had the easier duty. Go on. We’ll cover for you. The studio has a limo waiting out back.”

  “Take him up on it, Josh,” said James, steering Joshua toward the back door.

  Joshua reached for Elena and pulled her beside him. He caught a glimpse of Elliot as they were led to the door and it was opened, revealing the waiting limo. He wanted to say something to the guitarist, but Dominic pressed him in the back and hurried him out and into the car.

  He sank into the seat and was surprised when Elena took the spot opposite him again. He’d become used to her sitting at his side. He gave her a frown, but James moved into her place.

  Once the limo began moving, Elena fixed Joshua with a stare. “I want to know why James is out here and I don’t want any more lies.”

  Joshua exchanged a glance with his brother. James met the look, then gave a nod. Joshua didn’t really think it was the right time for this, but he could sense that if he didn’t tell her, he might lose her.

  “I called James because Julian’s right. Strange things keep happening on this tour and it’s gotten to be more than I can handle.”

  “Such as what?” she demanded.

  Joshua hesitated. Like with James, if he told her, she would make her own conclusions. He couldn’t do anything about that. “The newspaper article was the first thing. Then the woman in the dressing room.”

  Her head lifted in memory. After a moment, she nodded for him to continue.

  He drew a deep breath and exhaled. His hands had begun trembling again and he clasped them to hide it, but James’ attention focus on that. He ignored his brother and fixed his gaze on Elena. “I got a package in the dressing room from a pharmaceutical company. It was an empty syringe.”

  Her eyes widened, but she didn’t say anything. He wasn’t sure what that meant.

  “When I researched it, they told me I ordered it, but I didn’t.”

  “Go on,” she said in a tone he couldn’t read.

  He shrugged. “Then Ray showed up at the concert. All these years and he shows up out of nowhere. The next day is when I got picked up at the airport.”

  “I remember, but why?”

  He grimaced. “I found a vial in my backpack filled with something. I panicked and ran to the bathroom to flush it down the toilet. I knew I couldn’t let it go through the x-ray machine, but airport security got suspicious anyway.”

  She looked out of the window. He wanted to reach for her, but he resisted the impulse. She had to make the decision on her own. “That’s when you called your brother?”

  “Yes.”

  She looked back at him. “You could tell him, but not me?”

  Joshua dropped his gaze. “Well, he is a cop, Elena. I thought he might be able to do a little investigating for me. I still think this is a prank, but it’s a pretty elaborate one and one I’d like to stop. I thought he might be able to turn up something with the pharmaceutical company.” He shared a look with his brother. “Besides, I needed someone who would believe me. Someone who knew what I was like when I was using and could tell I wasn’t using now. I know how it looks. Drug addict caught with a syringe or worse, a strange vial. I’m not exactly the poster boy for believability.”

  Her expression softened and she reached over and covered his hands with her own. “That makes sense,” she said.

  Joshua felt a swell of emotion inside of him. She believed him, and she understood the decision he’d made. He unclasped his hands and took hers, holding it tight.

  “Shit,” muttered James beside him. He was staring out of the window.

  Joshua leaned over and looked out as well. The hotel was surrounded by fans, waving signs and cheering when they caught sight of the limo.

  “Someone on the inside is pulling these stunts,” said James. He shifted and met his brother’s anxious expression. “Just how angry
is Elliot?”

  “Elliot wouldn’t do this,” said Joshua. “He didn’t like the situation at the radio station anymore than I did.”

  Elena cleared her throat. “There is a roadie. He tried out for Joshua’s job when Julian was trying to replace him. He’s made a lot of comments about Joshua in the past, talked to reporters even.”

  “What’s his name?”

  Elena grimaced. “Alec Something. Julian would probably know. I’ll point him out to you when I see him next.”

  “He would have inside information and access to Joshua. I’ll get his name from Julian and run a background check.”

  “How would a roadie have access to the pharmaceutical company, James?” asked Joshua. “I think I know which guy she’s talking about. He’s not capable of something this elaborate.”

  “Then who, Josh?” James demanded.

  Joshua closed his eyes. “I just don’t know, but I know it isn’t Elliot. It can’t be.”

  * * *

  Emily Staddler rose and shook hands with both James and his stepmother. “Thank you so much for coming.” She motioned to the chairs before her desk. “Please, take a seat.”

  They settled, staring at her as if they were half-afraid of what she was going to say. She studied them in return. James was the polar opposite of his stepbrother – large to his small, light to his dark, his features blunt to Joshua’s more angular, finely hewn ones.

  Mary, Joshua’s mother, was a pretty woman with silky black hair and a petite frame. She didn’t have her son’s perfection, but there was something in the eyes that was very familiar.

  “I’m so glad you could come.”

  Mary moved forward until she was sitting on the edge of her chair. “Why isn’t he getting better? You said he’d get better.”

  “It takes time,” she said, trying for a comforting smile.

  “Time? He’s getting worse. He tried to kill himself.” Her voice choked off in a half-sob. James put his arm around her shoulder, comforting her.

  Emily was careful to keep her face neutral. Joshua had not wanted them to know about the previous suicide attempt. It made explaining this latest one more difficult. “Sometimes patients get worse before they get better, but that’s why I asked you both here.” She twirled her pen in her fingers nervously. They were not going to like what she was about to suggest. “Joshua is a difficult case. Most suicide attempts are no more than a cry for help. Joshua’s is not.”