Sykosa, Part I: Junior Year

by Justin Ordoñez

  Mother Superior is caught off-guard. That never happens.

  “Where did you hear that?”

  “It’s just a rumor.”

  “There’ve been challenges. This year’s Prom was perhaps too much for the Committee to handle alone.”

  Niko was telling the truth.

  “I’m glad the dance will be alright.”

  “It will be. Are you alright?”

  No.

  Even more tissues blot her face and her lungs heave for air. Her thoughts remain a secret. When she keeps secrets, she becomes a stressed-out wreck. Of course, that’s preferable to what Niko’s become. It proves that a mother is more important than anything. Without one, Niko lost her identity, as well what parts of her life felt inherent. Sadly, that was only a small slice of what waited in store. This thing with Kana took on its own life. At school, at home, on the radio, and on TV—there was no escape, nor temporary refuge.

  For Niko, or myself.

  That’s not exactly true.

  Kana said it was okay to confide in Mother Superior, but it doesn’t mean she will. She keeps steady, or steadier, and is careful not to be too liberal with her arms. If she is, she’ll draw attention to her pulled back blouse. A Personal Code violation is about the last thing she needs. “It’s hard. Everyone wants to blame Niko, and if I say anything, it could get out and get even worse.”

  “Who do you speak with?”

  “There’s no one to speak with.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  Mother Superior refers to God. It’s no joke. The Academy’s got a faith expectation. It’s a serious thing, like math. “Mother Superior, I don’t know if prayer will help.”

  Mother Superior turns witty. “Will it hurt?”

  Good point.

  She wipes her irritated eyeballs. It irritates her nostrils. She’s also cold. It’s worse outside. The day is gray, and the bell towers, being so tall, allude that the chapel is on the Academy’s doorstep. In reality, it’s a ways past the courtyard, beyond the football field, and even then it’s buried in and obscured by packs of evergreens.

  It may end up a worthwhile journey.

  Since it appears my prayers were answered.

  As Niko predicted, swim tryouts were announced, along with the other announcements, before Monday mass ended. I want no part of them. Lest she wants to fulfill Niko’s hidden objective. Which is me joining the Bitches. Even less does she care for Niko’s true objective. To send Donna a “message.” In her own way, she turned Niko down. She said, “Don’t put a target on me”—believing without her cooperation in tryouts, Niko’d be unable to get her on the Bitches. Even with that, in prayer after receiving the Eucharist, she asked the Lord spare her this fate (and the gay rumors). She did so cause when Niko explained her plan, she heard in Niko what she heard on the night Niko told her about masturbation.

  Ambition.

  Niko always wins. This time Niko lost. Mother Superior will force me to return to Model UN. Which forces Niko’s plan into hiatus. It’s an acceptable compromise. “Mother Superior, I’ve been thinking. It was a mistake to quit Model UN. I’ll apologize and I’ll fix it, I’ll go back.”

  “I am glad to hear that your attitude has changed, but…”

  She jumps in. “Like I said earlier, please don’t blame Niko.”

  Mother Superior reaches out, then with her wrinkled, boney hand, holds tight to her own. “Missing your presentation alters the situation. It was, as I understand, the largest part of your project, so you’ve lost your academic credit for the semester.”

  Well, she didn’t want to be valedictorian.

  Mission accomplished.

  I am so dead.

  “Have you talked to my mother about this?”

  “Yes. I expressed concern about it. For one, you’re not in line with our Student Value System. And two, it was thought you excelled in Model UN, but what I heard, of how you handled this, is not what I’ve come to expect from you.”

  Mother Superior’s right. It’s not.

  She wants to leave it that way.

  “Is there any way to still become valedictorian?”

  Mother Superior is quick. “I’m not speaking about valedictorian.”

  She is quicker. “My mother is. Is there anything I can do?”

  “There is. You can become a swimmer again.”

  Wow, that was a short reprieve.

  She has little concern for it. She thought when she ditched Model UN and hopefully valedictorian, she had the guts to stand up to her mother. But, I don’t. And ladies swim, with its athletic credit, is a tiny miracle of sorts. You see, these tryouts are really a “secondary” tryout. At the Academy, ladies swim wins state championships, so the team is a core who’s competed together for years. As Niko and I did. What she and Niko didn’t do was tear an ACL skiing over winter break. Or get whiplash when a boyfriend, new to driving, nailed a mailbox. These injuries, as well as some others, have pushed almost the entire JV squad to varsity.

  “Okay, I’ll do it. I’ll tryout.”

  “If that’s your decision, but you only need to do so if you wish to remain in the valedictorian race. Any activity will put you back in line with our Student Value System.”

  “It’s fine. Can you do me a favor?”

  “What is it?”

  “Can you call my mom and let her know I’m doing it?”

  Mother Superior pauses and then supposes she should. “Of course, I will speak with your mother again.”

  Whew. This is the type of circumstance where her mother will doubt she is being completely honest. If Mother Superior calls, then her mother will know she’s not keeping secrets.

  Odd coincidence.

  She is near where the secrets started.

  Near the edge of the Academy grounds, a cobblestone road veers through the many chapel gardens—each filled with sculptures of the Virgin Mary, the chapel’s namesake—and it was in this garden, right here, where Kana pulled her aside. I was young. So young she felt like she’d known Niko her entire life when it might’ve just been three weeks. Still, she hears Kana word-for-word, almost sees Kana—in a hazy watercolor way. “Honey, I want to ask you for a big favor. You know, it’s hard to explain, but Niko’s life is complicated. It’s my fault, not hers, but someone, a friend or a grown up or a parent, may ask you questions about Niko. If that happens, you can’t answer, okay?” Kana made her promise. She did so. At dinner, she refused to tell her mother about school that day, but did tell of her promise not to tell.

  Her mom got pissed.

  Not at me, but at Kana—and eventually at Niko.

  She forgets it as the garden, long passed, has been replaced by Cherry Blossoms. Being springtime, the petals, which are prone to falling, are more prone to sticking. Mother Superior pulls the slack of her robes. And I keep my head low. To make sure none get stuck to her shoes.

  It also feels better that way.

  It’s weird being taller than Mother Superior.

  “Anything you can do, things are going to be tough tonight.”

  “I thought you two had resolved your disagreements.”

  Mother Superior would think that.

  She wants to leave it that way.

  “We have and we haven’t, but like I told you, I don’t want it to become Niko’s fault. She’s got enough on her plate.”

  Mother Superior’s no dummy. Being the third or fourth time she’s been told to forget Niko, she decides to not. “There was some concern. You stopped reporting to Model UN shortly before Niko had this party.”

  Actually, it was right before. But, it wasn’t about that.

  It was about Sadie Hawkins.

  Going with Niko was unexpected. And what happened during it was inexplicable. Niko2.0 caved to 1.0, the real Niko, and despite Donna’s tense body language, Niko proceeded on a tear of charisma so huge she infected the students, the chaperones and, later in the car, Hazu himself. It was the best time I had had all year. And it gave her
hope. That didn’t last. The next day, Niko regressed. And I was on the outs. Left to closeout sophomore year working on a shitty Model UN project with time enough to contemplate her shitty adolescence.

  Then, Niko said it. “I want you to come to Coeur d’Alene.”

  She was standing at her locker reviewing Model UN notes, mere minutes from her presentation. That ended. She double took a double take and recognized her opportunity. For while she did miss Niko, it was not only Niko. It was, in that aforementioned car, hearing Niko’s BJS. Niko was loud, sloppy and farted like Tupperware; Hazu himself moaning in what was either pleasure or a gun shot wound. Really, it was how Niko let go. Because Niko did, so did I. On a picnic table, her semi exposed breasts were handled—for ten or fifteen minutes of the freest she’s ever felt, even more than when she first rubbed.

  It had other side effects.

  Stuff that, being celibate, Mother Superior wouldn’t get.

  She wants to leave it that way.

  “It’s a total coincidence. I quit… There’re good reasons, but I don’t want to make excuses. I realized that Model UN wasn’t for me, but I didn’t know what to do or who to…”

  Mother Superior finishes her sentence.

  “Who to talk to about it?”

  Ergo her chapel visit.

  Are all my problems so similar?

  She ignores it. Those petals may not have stuck to her shoes, but a few have taken to her hair, and she extends her arms to reach them. “I guess. But I not only have to keep all this secret for Niko, but from my mom. She’s angry at Niko.”

  Mother Superior’s confused, and no less detoured. Five times she’s mentioned Niko. You’d think she’d notice. “Why is that?”

  Her mother blames Niko for a lot, and her mother does so because her mother views these things as Niko’s intent instead of a side effect to Niko’s circumstance. For instance, her mom thinks her bond with Niko was engineered by Niko. Her mom also believes her masturbation was engineered by Niko. For that, her mother is right. Niko taught me how to do it. I didn’t ask and I resisted at first. Having lived these last few years, she knows it took only an instant for her mother to determine this Model UN situation was engineered by Niko.

  And, once again, her mother is right.

  It’s those side effects.

  When that boy groped her boobs, revolution was born. Deep down, she knew she’d never be valedictorian or enjoy Model UN or get a good boyfriend—not if she continued in her quest to be Mackenzie. It’s difficult to admit, as the words are so associated with shame, but she needs to exceed Mackenzie. She needs to. Then, as soon as she does, she’ll know her mother loves her, then a boy can love her, and she can quit this crap and get good grades at her leisure—since school, when she’s not hating it, is easy.

  It’s the last thing her mother wants, as doing so means:

  “My mom thinks I’ve chosen Niko over her.”

  “She does?”

  And there’s more.

  “And she thinks I would pick Niko’s mother for my own.”

  “Is that what you would do?”

  No. “No.”

  “Have you ever told your mother that?”

  No. “No.”

  Up close, the chapel resembles a medieval fortification.

  Its entrance is an arch with a cross, this time with no Jesus, cut into fieldstone above segment doors. Inside, an open ceilinged hall with three columns of pews assemble in endless rows toward the alter. It’s part of the sanctuary—it’s where the mass is conducted—lit by three, of what’re all twelve, stained glass apostles who enclose the congregation.

  At the front, she finds her knees, then waits while Mother Superior labors to her own. In the name of the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, she forms the sign of the cross. Instead of hearing God, she hears herself. How’s that for an indictment? However, however, speaks volumes to Mother Superior. And the woman is catatonic over it. She peeks for signs that this pray-a-thon might conclude, and only sees how Mother Superior has, in this last year, grown an old face and a hunched back; yet, as always, her body’s fat in that proportional way that looks thin.

  Her appearance is of little matter. It’s her presence.

  Around Mother Superior, I know right from wrong.

  She knows what she must do. She must forgive her mother.

  After all, her mother’s anger about secrets is kinda justified. Her mother can’t deal with masturbation as a topic. And while it was wrong for her mother to ask her to stop and to inform Mother Superior about it… Hell, it was also wrong for Mother Superior to tell her masturbation was a sin, lovemaking was a duty and she could only have sex with one man. But, all these instances—including when her mother attempted to deny her the Academy—were mistakes. And Jesus preaches forgiveness. Or as Mother Superior says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.” Which she would never, ever do. Then, somewhere along the way, she did do it, and did it many times, enjoyed it, and still does it to this day.

  Hurting her mother is like a drug. It’s a five second fix. And it’s a problem. A mother is more important than anything.

  And I hate mine.

  Eventually, Mother Superior sits back. She has a glow.

  “Were your prayers answered?”

  The question’s rhetorical. Though, she does feel better. With that, she feels she needs to save what shards of her reputation are left. She speaks softly. This is a church. “I promise you I’ll try at tryouts. I’ll get back where I should be.”

  The problem?

  Like she lied to Niko, she lied to Mother Superior.

  In truth, she’s already surrendered to apathy. And knows, in the same manner she quit on Model UN, she’ll quit on swim—not through action, but a lack thereof. It’s like Mother Superior intuitively knows this and isn’t overly concerned. She doesn’t care if I’m valedictorian. Grades, boys, thongs—they’re trivial to Mother Superior, who believes God is supreme.

  In fact, all that interests Mother Superior at this moment are the intricacies of Niko’s situation. “I need to ask for your help and for your trust.”

  What an odd thing to say. “Okay.”

  “I’m trying to help Niko, but Niko’s been reluctant—more than she has been in the past.”

  And I’m the tattletale. “Okay.”

  “Are Niko and her friends still using that bathroom?”

  It’s so infamous that’s all that needs be said.

  “If you mean the one by the pool and gym, I don’t think so.”

  Mother Superior accepts the answer. Mostly cause she has a bigger question. “Under total anonymity, is Niko living alone?”

  In a way. Niko’s caretaker, whom Niko calls Nana, lives with Niko, but Nana’s old like Mother Superior, and Nana’s in a far more decrepit state. It’s possible Nana’s lost the will to oppose Niko. The Nana she knows would never allow an unsupervised party to happen, much less a weekend party.

  She lies for Niko. It’s what she does. “No, her Nana is—”

  Mother Superior interrupts. “When did you last see her?”

  “A month. I don’t visit as often. Can I ask why you’ve asked?"

  Mother Superior debates discretion, and chooses trust.

  “These stories about Niko are not all accurate, but they are not all false. I believe she’s using that bathroom and that she’s hosting unsupervised parties at her house. In both instances, I know there is behavior of loose morality, and since it includes other students from this school, we need to stop it.”

  I guess I could stop it.

  She’s too afraid. “What will happen to Niko?”

  “How do you mean?”

  “She and the vice-principal aren’t on good terms.”

  Mother Superior, with her boney hand, grabs on again. “I will handle Niko, as I always have.”

  Here come the compromises. It makes her fingers burn like Hell, even though Mother Superior’s grip is icy cold. “Last I knew, Nana was there. But, I don’
t participate in these things, so I’m not sure, but there’s good news.”

  “And what’s that?”

  “Her mother is coming home this week.”

  The type of obliviousness Mother Superior showed—back in her office—to Donna Harly, does not get shown for Kana. If anything, Mother Superior wears an unnatural anxiety, like she were in debate about if Kana should’ve come back at all.

  “I’m uncertain about my feelings on that.”

  She stays resolute. “It’s not ideal, but Niko will listen to her, at least at first.”

  “We’ll see. Until then, I must implore you—if Niko is in any trouble, you need to tell me.”

  Tell the grownups. Get this handled. It’ll be fixed.

  Honesty, she thinks they’ll make it worse.

  “As far as I know, she’s fine.”

  For what she really learned at Sadie Hawkins is something everyone had already exploited. Me, I didn’t see it. As she said, when that boy touched her breasts, she knew she would never be valedictorian, Mackenzie would always be her better, and that accepting that would get her a boyfriend. Most of all, she realized her breasts only got handled cause of Niko, and that made her what she always was, a follower. Which was fine, but then she had to decide: Follow God, follow Mother Superior, follow her mother, or follow Niko.

  She chose Niko. I did, didn’t I? But she never chose Kana over her mother. That she never did. No way. Not like it makes a difference. This insight—all of it—was a waste. When tryouts begin, she’ll once again try for valedictorian, compare herself to Mackenzie, not find a boyfriend, and as a result, any peace inside her will be extinguished, as these behaviors are like currents. They’re too strong to fight, especially when the pull is so familiar.

  Mother Superior is disappointed in her.

  She wants to leave it that way.

  “Alright, I will trust you.”

  That makes her feel sick.

  “Thank you.”

  “There’s just one other thing.”

  Incoming! Incoming! More guilt!