Pickles The Parrot Speaks: On Life, The Universe, And Sesame Seed

by Abbott, Georgi

~ I heard mom talking to dad about how to get rid of a blood stain. I hope it's not because I stole her grapes! ~

  ~ I found a good source of calcium for us birds. Fingernails. Or toenails, but, ewwww. ~

  ~ You can't hide mashed potatoes in your nostrils. ~

  ~ Don't understand all this cooking business. I want what I want, when I want it! Don't tell me I’m getting something & get me all excited then make me wait while you cook it - what are you, some kind of idiot? We never cook anything in the wild - we eat our carcasses bloody & rare! And I’m pretty sure oatmeal & toast grows on trees. Ohhh God, the waiting just KILLS me. ~

  ~ Mom's been so busy getting ready for Xmas & houseguests. That means I’m busy too cuz I have to supervise the cleaning & bark out all the orders. While we were listening to Xmas Carols & decorating, I asked mom if I could have a cat for Xmas but she said - no, you'll have turkey the same as the rest of us. ~

  ~ I think it would be fun to be a sneeze guard. I would probably be issued a gun and a bullet proof vest. I would guard that sneeze with my life and I bet the vest protects you from spiders too. ~

  ~ I have to tell you about this wonderful thing I discovered - it's good for birds and they'll love it! You take some corn and put it in the microwave until it pops, then eat it. I'm going to call it Cornpop! ~

  ~ I pulled seniority on my dog today. It took awhile for me to find it and when I did, it peed on me. I think I'd rather pull his tail. ~

  ~ Sometimes I think I should just leave the house & walk to the store to get my own snacks. But I might get there and say to the guy behind the counter "Can I have some Sesame Snaps please?" & he'd say "Who said that?" cuz he can't see me. I'd say "I'm down here" & he'd look down at his shoes and think they were talking to him & I’d have walked all the way there for nothing. ~

  ~ Mom gave me some marshmallow and it was as dusty as me. I made it take a bath. ~

  ~ My daddy's a great cook & an awesome baker. He's learned to cook low fat, low sugar, low salt meals & treats which means I get to eat most of what he cooks. Mom? Not so good at cooking or anything wifely. I mean, who uses a smoke alarm for a timer? ~

  ~ When I'm mad, there's no way mom's gonna present her lips and ask me for a kiss. I see an angry life ahead of me. ~

  ~ Chinese for dinner last night! Daddy usually cooks our Chinese dinners but last night he drove away and came back with it in a bag so he must have drove all the way to China. I got chopsticks too! I don’t know why most people find them difficult to use - you just hold them in your talon then chew on the other end. But my fortune cookie said, "You need to practice your cookie breaking skills.” I don’t THINK so. ~

  ~ Mom says it's rude and insulting to ask a woman if she's pregnant and I don't wanna be rude so now I just ask, "Did you gain a lot of weight?" Then, if she's not pregnant, she doesn't feel so insulted. ~

  ~ I was looking at all the food and stuff I dropped on the floor and I thought, wouldn't it be weird if it all came alive and like, started yelling for help because the ants were coming and I’d be like, shut up food or I’ll eat you alive. You know, cuz food shouldn't be noisy. ~

  ~ It’s not my fault I bite. Who can resist all that high protein? ~

  ~ I was staring at this walnut and couldn’t figure out why it was getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me. ~

  ~ Mom read that walnuts are good for stress and since I’ve been chewing a little too hard on my breast feathers lately, she decided to load me up on them. mmm. Sittin' here all mellow, listening to Pink Floyd, got the munchies, laughing at the wall. This is some good shit man. ~

  ~ You should never sneeze with a chewed up grape in your mouth. It's a nasty experience. ~

  ~ There are 3 rules for bananas. 1) no core 2) cut it up, bite size 3) no icky stringies. Mom got 2 out of 3 right today but she's picking the 3rd one out of her eyelashes. If you can't obey the rules, you must pay the price. ~

  ~ I just told mommy that I want to eat some juice. She told me that you can't eat juice, you drink it. Well! I looked it up in the dictionary and it says - Eat: to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment. That's exactly what I wanted to do! Drink your words old woman! ~

  ~ I put some of my dirty talon toys in my water dish to get clean today. And just in case they were hungry, I threw some of my food in there too. Then I sat on the rim, staring down at the water at my reflection. After awhile, I was pretty sure that that bird was real and I was HIS reflection. ~

  ~ You can't judge a poop by its size. There's so much more to poop. ~

  ~ Mom felt like doing some training with me, like learning to count or something. I didn't feel like it. I don't think she should teach me anymore stuff cuz if my brain get's any fuller, I might forget my Facebook® password. ~

  ~ I was holding a cheerio up and looking through it like binoculars, human watching. I espied a strange looking one and it came closer and closer until all I could see was a big ugly nose. I didn't like that; I hadn't planned on going nose hunting today. So I ate my binoculars. ~

  ~ There's no snooze alarm on a parrot who wants breakfast. ~

  ~ Mommy thinks she might have been a bear in her past life. All she wants to do is sleep in winter. I wish she was a bear in this life cuz then maybe I’d get porridge more often. ~

  ~ I gotta learn to keep my mouth shut. You know when you want a scratch from your mom, so you put your head down and fluff up your neck feathers as an invitation? But the whole time, it's just a ploy to draw them in for a bite? Yeah. Well sometimes when I do that, I blow it by saying "No bite!" and the jig is up. ~

  ~ If you're gonna hide peas under your wings, make sure they are fresh, firm ones. The mushy ones make your pits look moldy. ~

  ~ Warm mashed pumpkin. First it's in my bowl, then it's all over my beak, then I rub it all over my perch, then my toys. But I’m not done. I walk through the guck on my perch and spread it all the way to my water bowl and mess up my fresh water then track it up my cage bars and onto another perch. Now I’m hungry again ... back down to the food bowl ... ~

  ~ There's something horrible out there - it's called patè. Mom offered me some on a spoon and everybirdy knows that anything offered on a spoon is either pudding or mashed potato, so I ate it. I may never eat off a spoon again! Bad mama, BAD. ~

  ~ Mom says I might have some repressed memories but I don't remember - I don't even remember ironing them the first time. ~

  ~ I ate a fly! I was on the back of the couch and the fly was on the window. I snatched it and swallowed it. I didn't expect that - they usually fly away too quick. Mom laughed at the surprised look on my face. I almost puked. ~

  ~ When food tastes terrible, you don't have to say so - just throw it at the wall. It seems the yuckier it is, the better it sticks. ~

  ~ I go beep, beep & mommy says "Roadrunner, the coyote's after you". Cool. I go, beep, beep again & mommy says "Roadrunner, if he catches you you're though". ACK! But wait! I'm not REALLY a Roadrunner. Suck rocks coyote. ~

  ~ There are little people with little musical instruments in some of my toys. I press buttons and they play music for me - I get 4 of them going at one time. Sometimes I wonder if they have food in there but I can't worry about it right now because I have a concert to conduct. After I take my bows, I will put the toys in my seed dish and they can stick their little hands through the speaker holes and help themselves. ~

  ~ I talk a lot but even I know that sometimes I don't always make sense. When I think I might be about to talk nonsense, I disguise it as a song. Everything sounds great when it's sung. ~

  ~ I've never actually seen one but I hear they make good music so I told mom to buy me my own little piano. When she gave it to me I thought, "What's THIS? I didn't ask for a bunch of teeth!" They must be very sensitive teeth because when I touched them, they screamed. Ahhhh, now you're talkin'. ~

  ~ I love to sing and I love to sleep. I think mommy would rather listen to me sleep. Doesn't she realize, it's HER voice I'm using? Now she knows how the rest of us feel.” ~
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  ~ Rain is like a song. It sounds like music, it has a rhythm and it kinda has lyrics. Except the lyrics are wet and get all up in your face. ~

  ~ I've stopped singing whole songs now. Why should I? All I gotta do is sing the first couple of words and mommy sings the rest of it for me. I just do the back-up whistling. ~

  ~ Sometimes I go to the grocery store with mom - I go in a birdie backpack. When we get to the produce section, I yell "Wanna buy some beans!" but sometimes, when there's other people around, I ask them "Wanna buy some poop?". Cuz, like, you never know. ~

  ~ I love rain. I love the nice earthy smell from a good rainfall and the way everything sparkles as it glistens with moisture. I love the sound of fresh, clean water raining down on the roof - the sound reminds me of the time we went camping and Dad got drunk and pissed on the tent. ~

  ~ One day, when I was in my backpack on mom's back at the grocery market, the produce lady asked me what I’d like cuz she would give me something. "Apple, grape, banana?" she asked. "Poop" I answered. She looked at me for a moment then walked away. I guess she went to find some for me. ~

  ~ People are drawn to me, fascinated by me, want to touch me or talk to me. Sometimes I imagine myself a candle, just to see if the people I attract will ignite and pop like moths drawn to the flame. ~

  ~ If I was lost in a desert and dying of thirst, I think I should bring some water when I go out looking for water. Cuz it might be a long trip. ~

  ~ Mom says a good book can take you places you haven't been before. I need to book a flight with the next book to Africa. ~

  ~ Mom planted more perches this year - other than the garden that's all we grow. Now that the leaves have fallen off, I see they're coming along quite nicely. Until we harvest them, I’ll let all the wild baby butt birdies use them and they can pick off all the icky bugs. ~

  ~ I like games but I don't like the games that bears play. It starts out okay - I like playing tag and getting chased, but it's kinda anti climatic when it changes to playing dead. It's okay for a while but then it gets boring. Next time a bear chases me; I will stop and suggest Tiddly Winks instead. ~

  ~ I was sitting in the window, talking to the wild birds but they have a very short attention span so telling whole stories is useless. ~

  ~ I don't think there's anything wrong with screaming at the top of your lungs. As long as it's consensual. Okay, I don't really know what that means but I heard that sex is fine when it's consensual so I'm pretty sure screaming is too. ~

  ~ I've been yelling at the Starlings to get away from the Woodpecker suet but mom keeps saying it's okay, that the Starlings are allowed to eat it too. Then the Red-winged Blackbirds started horning in on it too so I yelled at them but she said they were allowed. They scattered it everywhere and Neeka the dog ate some off the ground and mom yelled at HIM! Some kinda double standard going on here. ~

  ~ I went walking through the grass one day, to pick a 4-leaf clover for mom but they were all 3-leaf clovers cuz they each lost a leaf. Seems the 4-leaf clovers all had a run of bad luck. I picked one anyway but on the way back to give it to mom, I ate it because it tasted so good in my mouth. I never knew that before, lucky me! I guess 4-leaf clovers really work. ~

  ~ I have rung my bells beeeellions of times. I am personally responsible for many angels getting their wings. ~

  ~ Mom says there's a cougar wandering around town. Whenever Neeka the Dog is outside in the yard, I call "Here kitty, kitty" so Neeka will have someone to play with. ~

  ~ I can suck a fruitfly through my nose. I found that out the hard way. ~

  ~ I've been practicing moving small dirt hills in the yard cuz one day, I want to move a mountain. I hear tell, you can't move a mountain but I also heard about Mohammed so I believe there's something in-between. When I move my mountain, I’m going to put it on top of all my dog's buried bones. It's called enrichment and foraging for dogs and I thought of it all by myself. ~

  ~ If trees had a mouth and could talk, I wonder if sometimes they'd get a leaf caught in their throat. Kinda like people with a hair in their throat. Our yard might be kinda noisy with all the throat clearing sounds. ~

  ~ The snow makes everything sooo quiet. I have to make up for it by singing and whistling really, really, REALLY loud this morning. I think I broke one of my eardrums. I was trying for mom's but it kinda backfired. ~

  ~ I was staring at all the snow today, wishing it would hurry up and melt. But then I thought - Oh no!. Cuz then it will reveal all my dead bodies! ~

  ~ Winter asked me what I did last summer. I said a better question would be, when did you learn to talk? Cuz if winter could talk, we might actually get some accurate weather forecasts. ~

  ~ I don't like squirrels. They run around the yard acting so happy and innocent but I know they're secretly watching me and planning to chew through the walls to steal my seeds and sleep in my tent. I'm like, NO WAY little squirrels, not on MY watch. ~

  ~ When I look outside and see the Woodpeckers, I can't believe they don't just freeze to the side of the tree. Or that their beak doesn't stick like a stupid human who licks a frozen pole. Humans are so stupid that I wish I were a Woodpecker so I could bore a hole in their heads and let all the dumbness escape. ~

  ~ I'd like a bat for a friend. I'd like to hang around, upside down with them all day. They wear their own blankets so if I got cold, they could wrap me in their blanket wings. Not a Vampire bat though. Cuz I don't have my rabies shots. But maybe I’d like rabies cuz then I’d get away with all kinds of things. Mom would say - don't mind him, he's just got rabies. ~

  ~ I'm watching the rain come down outside and wondering why, if the clouds are full of water, they don't come crashing down on my house. Cuz they'd be really wet & heavy. But they never do. Don't bring your toys inside just cuz it's raining, toys like it and they get all clean. The best thing to do when it's raining is to just let it rain. ~

  ~ I never get away with feeding my broccoli to the dog. ~

  ~ I was eating my alphabet soup when I looked down and saw the word 'fart' spelled out. So I did. I'm sure the soup had a good reason. ~

  ~ Top 10 thinks in my Bucket List ...

  #10 - Drink blood out of a cup

  #9 - Get a tatoo

  #8 - Eat a whole can of cookie dough

  #7 - Catch my little doggies nubbie tail

  #6 - Hang upside down in one of our bat houses all day

  #5 - Carve a whole potato to look like mom's head, then eat it

  #4 - Spend a whole day in the linen closet

  #3 - Live in the Sesame Snap factory

  #2 - Exterminate every spider in the world, painfully

  And the number one thing on my Bucket list ... Enact a law making water an illegal substance and bring back the death penalty for all offenders! ~

  ~Mom's sad because the old Ponderosa tree across the street looks old and gnarled. He's dying cuz some Pine Beatles ate his guts and is killing him before his time. She sees death. I see new perches. ~

  ~ When summer comes, so do the mosquitoes. To keep them away from me, I think it would be a good idea to put a bucket of blood in my aviary to distract them. ~

  ~ How do I call a flower? Why would I want to? They'd have to grab their knees & pull up their roots. Can they even walk? Or do they just slither along the ground, messing up their petals? Then, they're gonna drag mud all over the house & when they get to me to see what I called them for, I'd be like - ummm, so how's it going eh? And they'd be like, - WTF, you called me for THAT? And I’d be like ... sorry little petunia, mom gave me some Callaflower for lunch and I thought it was an order. ~

  ~ I was outside in the aviary today because it was so sunny and warm. But it was very, VERY windy. It was like God blowing in my face. I hate that. ~

  ~ Mommy likes my poop. She's always picking it up and then she saves it in a container under the kitchen sink. After awhile, she takes it and puts it in a bigger container outside. Once a week, a big truck comes by and I think he takes it to a storage pl
ace or somewhere safe cuz I think she's afraid it will get stolen. ~

  ~ It's always darkest before dawn. That's the best time to steal snacks. ~

  ~ When mom puts spaghetti in your dish while she's eating hers off a plate, hers always looks better. ~

  ~ I think, if you get really scared and you poop a little bit, it shouldn't be held against you. People shouldn't throw it in your face every chance they get - the event that is, not the poop. ~

  ~ If you had to list all the foods that are delicious, I bet the brussel sprout would be at the bottom. But it's round so it should be able to roll back up to the top. But then, it would be easy to roll it back down. It's like, get back in line little brussel sprout. Just face it, nobody likes you. ~

  ~ I like chicken. Cuz you can ride him bareback and when he gets too tired, you can eat him. Chickens are handy that way. ~

  ~ Mom says I'm very vengeful, for a bird. Yeah well, we'll just see about that. ~

  ~ I pooped on the counter and mom said "Jeez Pickles, how'd you like it if I pooped anywhere I felt like pooping" and I said "I don't care - you're the one that has to clean it up so how'd YOU like it?" I haven't noticed her pooping anywhere so I think I made my point. ~

  ~ If you're climbing down the bars of your cage and you trip and fall in a pile of poop, I think it's okay to laugh. Cuz, like, what else are ya gonna do? ~

  ~ When you're having a running race down the hall with your mom, I don't think tripping her should automatically disqualify you. Especially just because you thought of it first. ~

  ~ I planted some poison ivy in my cage but I thought it was parsley. I ate some and my throat got itchy so I swallowed some sandpaper. Now I'm afraid to poop. ~

  ~ If you think a penny doesn't go far, try sticking it in an electric socket. I'll meet you on the other side of the room. ~

  ~ It takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. Just like my lovely piles of poop. ~

  ~ If I had time to repay all the nice things mom&dad do for me, I'd actually use that time to count all the seeds in my bowl. ~

  ~ Just because I'm ascared of things, doesn't mean I'm a scaredy cat. Does a feather duster or a nail file determine one's bravery? Just because I scream and cower when there's a spider in sight, that makes me a coward? Thank again, stupid human. I can take you down with one flick of the beak. Unless you have a duster, nail file or spider in your hand. ~