Suckerpunch

by Elyse Springer

  “Why?” Alex croaked.

  Shawn took a step forward, shoes echoing in the small room. “Why what?” His hand rested tentatively on Alex’s back and, when Alex didn’t protest, settled more firmly.

  “Why is he worried?” Alex’s mouth was dry, and the words felt like sandpaper against his tongue.

  “Because,” Shawn said softly, “he loves you.”

  Alex jerked, a full-body shudder that knocked Shawn’s hand loose and sent Alex reeling from the counter until his back hit the opposite wall.

  He pressed himself against the surface, using it to hold himself up, as he gaped at Shawn. “He doesn’t.”

  “He does.” Shawn sounded so certain, and that insistence only made Alex ache even more. “He wanted to explain, but he didn’t want to upset you when it was obvious you didn’t want to speak with him.”

  The laughter that escaped Alex was harsh and humorless. “You know why I avoid him?” he asked. “Because I’m terrified of what I’ll do to him if I let him get too close.”

  Shawn moved to his side. “What would you do to him?”

  “God, Shawn. His scent drives me crazy, did you know?” Alex knew he wasn’t making sense, that he wasn’t answering the question, but now that he was talking it was like he couldn’t stop the flood of words escaping him. “Every time he’s near, it’s all I can smell. Like the fresh scent of the air after it rains or the richness of dark chocolate on the back of your tongue. It’s too much and not enough, and I’m starving, Shawn. I’m so fucking hungry, and he’s the only person I can think about feeding from.”

  Alex looked up, eyes burning. “If I let him talk to me, if he gets too close, I’m not going to be able to stop myself from feeding off him. Do you understand?”

  The silence in the bathroom was almost deafening. If he focused, he could just hear the faint roar of people eating outside in the restaurant, the rush of water through pipes, but otherwise the only noise he could hear was his own heartbeat pounding in his ears, and Shawn’s soft breathing.

  “No, I don’t understand,” Shawn said.

  Of course he didn’t. He was human, and he had no idea how Alex was being torn apart.

  “Sasha already knows my biggest secret. Maybe he won’t tell Coach or Dubois. He hasn’t yet, or I wouldn’t still be here. But he’s already told Despres and god knows who else. And even knowing this, even with that awful fear surrounding every single moment of every single day, I love him.” Alex exhaled, letting his head fall back against the wall. “Fuck, I love him. And apparently my vampire side won’t feed from anyone but him.”

  It was such a horrible catch-22, and just thinking about it made Alex want to put his fist through the wall in rage and sorrow. Because he loved someone who he couldn’t trust, and not being able to trust the man he loved was going to ruin him on two different fronts.

  As he watched, comprehension filled Shawn’s face. “Oh, Alex.”

  Yeah. Oh, Alex. “Now you get it.”

  But Shawn was shaking his head, and he was… smiling? “You need to talk to Sasha, Phantom.”

  “I agree with Carts,” a new voice said. Alex’s head whipped to the side, to see brilliant blue eyes watching him from the entrance to the bathroom. “We really need to talk, Alex.”

  Akseli Mäkelä (@AkseliMakela38)

  Team selfie! Everyone eating lots of pasta so we have energy to destroy Colorado tomorrow. pic.twitter.com/9h2TRz….

  Emma (@Cascadiac)

  RT @AkseliMakela38: Uh, where’s Cartier, Petrov, and Fanning?

  SASHA HAD waited a minute or two after Alex had fled the table and Shawn had followed him toward the back of the restaurant. Once his teammates were again occupied with their menus, he’d made eye contact with Misha, then quietly slipped away from the table himself.

  The only logical place for Alex to have disappeared to was the bathroom, so Sasha followed the signs down a hallway and to the marked door. It had quickly become clear that he was in the right place when Alex’s and Shawn’s voices had filtered out into the corridor.

  He hadn’t intended to eavesdrop, but curiosity kept him from announcing his presence. Instead, he leaned against the door, waiting like a guard to stop anyone from going in and interrupting.

  And he listened.

  “I’m terrified of what I’ll do to him if I let him get too close.” Alex’s words were heartbreaking, so full of agony and hurt that Sasha brought a hand to his chest and clenched his shirt over his heart.

  Alex, I’m sorry. He almost walked in right then and there, but something stopped him, made him listen in for another minute.

  And then:

  “Even with that awful fear surrounding every single moment of every single day, I love him.”

  “God, Alex,” Sasha had murmured. He hadn’t been able to resist any longer; he’d pushed the door open, and finally seen Alex there, looking broken and frightened and so, so strong that Sasha had felt tears burning in his eyes.

  “We really need to talk, Alex,” he said softly.

  Alex was frozen across the room. Shawn glanced over his shoulder, nodded at Sasha, and took a step to the side.

  “Alex, I know you’re scared, but please, talk to me.”

  Alex wasn’t a small man by normal standards, but in the shocking bright light of the bathroom, he looked tiny. He shook his head, clenching his fists against his thighs, and didn’t move his back from the wall.

  “I can’t,” Alex choked out. “Please, don’t do this to me. Not right now.”

  “Phantom, please, hear him out.”

  Alex’s expression was a combination of betrayal and dismay. “Shawn, you know why I can’t.”

  Shawn nodded. “I know you’re scared, man, but you know I wouldn’t hurt you.”

  “I know.” Alex took a long, ragged breath, and shook his head. “Not right now. I’m sorry, I can’t.”

  And then he was gone, pushing past Shawn and Sasha and out the door before either of them could react.

  Shawn shook his head sadly. “I’ve never seen him like this.”

  But Sasha understood. “He’s sick, he’s afraid, he does not understand what’s going on. He worries he might lose everything that he loves.” Including me. His heart was buoyed momentarily by the reminder of what he’d overheard. “Even someone as strong as Alex cannot handle this much at once.”

  “You gonna go after him, though?”

  Sasha hesitated, but every inch of him was screaming to follow Alex back to the hotel. “Yeah.”

  “Good.” Shawn smiled and dug a key card out of his pocket. “He’s been sharing a room with me since Atlanta. Room 424. I’m gonna crash with Bayer tonight.”

  The key card was handed over, and Sasha tucked it into his pocket, fingers lingering over the fabric. “Thanks, Carts.”

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  THE ROOM was dark when Sasha pushed the door open. It only took a second for his eyes to adjust, though, and to spot the mound of blankets in the middle of one of the beds.

  Sasha clicked one of the lamps on and gasped. In the dim light, Alex looked like death. He was curled beneath the blankets, pale, teeth chattering even though the room was comfortably warm. Bruise-like circles stood out in sharp relief beneath his eyes, and his hair looked limp, messy.

  He’d been barely holding it together back in the restaurant, Sasha realized. But this was Alex without the pretenses, without the shaky disguise.

  “Alex,” he breathed.

  Brown eyes opened heavily, and Alex drew a shaky breath. “I can’t. Please don’t do this to me.”

  “No.” Sasha took a step forward as Alex’s eyes fell shut once again. “Alex, солнышко, I must.”

  He took a seat on the other bed, facing Alex’s huddled, shivering form. Alex curled in even tighter, eyes clenched and lips pale from being pressed together.

  “I didn’t tell Eddie about you being a vampire,” he said, for lack of a better place to start. Alex didn’t react. “He told me. I had
no idea until he came to me, planning to use his discovery to have you kicked off the team. I convinced him not to tell anyone, for now—because I needed to know if what he said was true… and because I love you too much to let anyone hurt you even if it is.”

  That got a reaction. A tiny breath punched out of Alex, and his eyes snapped open.

  Sasha continued before he could lose his nerve. “I love you, Alexander Fanning. I loved you before Ed came to me with this shocking accusation. And after, I had to research, to understand. It was scary—in Russia, being gay is bad enough but being Para is impossible. So I think, and I realize, Yes, Sasha Petrov, you love this man because he’s funny and beautiful and full of light. Why does it matter what he eats for dinner, as long as he loves you in return?”

  Alex had uncurled slightly and was watching Sasha with wide eyes.

  “And then you got sick,” Sasha said, “and you wouldn’t speak to me. At first I’m thinking, give him space. He is scared and hurting and something is wrong. But now I know that giving you space is only hurting you more.”

  “I can’t.” Alex’s words were so soft that Sasha wasn’t sure he’d spoken at first. Then Alex repeated them.

  Sasha leaned forward. “You can.”

  His hands were shaking the tiniest amount as he raised them to his shirt, fumbling the top button before it slipped free of its hole. The next one came easier, and the one after that, until the entire shirt was unbuttoned and he could shrug it off his shoulders.

  Alex’s eyes followed him intently as Sasha stood. He stepped out of his shoes, then pulled his undershirt off and tossed it on top of the abandoned dress shirt.

  “Alex, let me help you.”

  Alex didn’t protest. He didn’t speak or even move as Sasha stepped between the beds and set one knee on the mattress beside Alex’s blanket-covered form, then the other. Alex went easily when Sasha gently pushed his shoulder, rolling him onto his back, legs uncurling beneath the covers.

  Sasha tugged the blankets away, revealing Alex’s lanky form. He was dressed for a blizzard, heavy sweats and a thick hoodie, and his body trembled beneath Sasha’s gaze.

  “I told you that I researched,” Sasha said. “You won’t hurt me.”

  Alex licked his lips, pink tongue darting out. “It’s—not all wounds are physical,” he whispered. “Sasha, I love you, but—”

  Sasha shook his head.

  “But,” Alex pushed on, “if I drink from you now, I’m not sure what will happen. It’s possible that—I need to drink to survive. I can eat human food just fine, but I need blood. And if I drink from you, I might not be able to drink from anyone else ever again.”

  He’d said as much, back in the bathroom. Now, though, Sasha could see the fear in his eyes. “So?”

  “So,” Alex whispered, “I’d be dependent on you for the rest of my life. If you’re traded, if you decide you don’t want a Para boyfriend anymore, if I get kicked out of the NHL—”

  “Alex.” Sasha planted one hand on either side of Alex’s head, leaning over him so he could look Alex straight in the eyes. Even weakened and ill, Alex was the most handsome man that he’d ever seen. “I love you. I’ve been drawn to you since the moment I first laid eyes on you. I thought I hated you, but I still couldn’t stop thinking about you. Whatever is between us, it’s not one-sided. I feel it too. I’m not going anywhere, and I’m not going to let you scare me with what-ifs.” He grinned. “Besides, I have a no-trade clause in my contract.”

  Finally, some of the tension dropped from Alex’s body, and a hint of a smile appeared. “Sasha.”

  Sasha hushed him. “There’s more we need to talk about, I know. But right now you’re sick, and you need to feed.” He threw a leg over Alex’s waist, straddling him, and saw the way Alex’s chest hitched and his eyes darkened.

  Lowering himself to cover Alex’s body with his own made him realize just how bad things really were. Alex was still trembling beneath him, skin icy cold and body weak. Even through the thick cotton sweats, Sasha could feel his ribs and how thin he was. It was a wonder that he’d managed to play over the last week and a half, but it was obvious now that Alex wouldn’t be able to go on like that for much longer.

  Tilting his head to the side to bare his neck was the easiest decision that Sasha had ever made. “Come on, солнышко. Свет очей моих.”

  For a minute, Sasha thought that Alex was going to refuse. Then he felt Alex shift beneath him, felt the shaking body tense and arch up so Alex could press cool, soft lips to Sasha’s neck.

  “Sasha.” Alex breathed the word against his skin. “You have to be sure. I can’t do this unless you’re sure.”

  Sasha closed his eyes. “The only things in life that I have ever been sure about are playing hockey and this,” he said. “I love you.”

  “I love you too,” Alex said, and then teeth pierced Sasha’s neck.

  ALEX HAD fed from dozens of people, human and Para both, in his lifetime. None had ever felt like this.

  Sasha tasted exactly as he smelled, rich and brilliant, like the finest dark chocolate. He moaned as Alex drank from him, his body shaking above Alex’s as his arms threatened to give out. Alex wrapped his hands around Sasha’s neck and shoulders, pulling him closer, and sighed happily against Sasha’s neck when the larger body finally settled on top of his own.

  Like this, he could feel every vibration that passed through Sasha’s body, the way his breathing hitched and the soft rumble of pleasure as he groaned deep in his chest. And Alex could feel Sasha’s cock against his thigh, getting harder as he drank, until Sasha’s hips were jerking forward in tiny, abortive thrusts.

  He was feeling something else, though. Alex closed his eyes, trying to understand what it was. At first it was a sensation like a tickling in his mind, an awareness that he couldn’t quite grasp. Then it shifted, becoming more defined—arousal, and languid pleasure, and love.

  That’s Sasha. Alex gripped the other man tighter. I’m feeling Sasha, in my mind.

  A burst of surprise filtered through the new awareness, and Sasha gasped out Alex’s name.

  He feels it too. Alex latched on to the sensation—the bond, he realized, because that was exactly what was forming between them—and hoped Sasha could feel his happiness, his gratitude, and his own love in return.

  “Yes, Alex.” Sasha gasped the words. “Love you.”

  Alex drank less than he would have from Heather. Part of it was the fear of drinking from Sasha, the worry that a human wouldn’t be able to handle it. But part of it was also his own body; while he wasn’t physically starving, having continued to eat human food for the last few weeks, he wasn’t sure he could handle drinking as much as he usually did. Sasha’s blood was rich, powerful as it filled him, and Alex hesitated to overdo it.

  When he finally pulled away, Alex was trembling once more, but this time from the pleasure and overwhelming sense of contentment. He was full for the first time in weeks—but more than that, he was warm and sated, and Sasha’s arms were wrapped around him as though to keep him safe.

  Alex pressed his lips to the bite marks on Sasha’s neck, waiting for the tiny wounds to close before licking away the sweat and salt on Sasha’s skin, kissing his way up Sasha’s neck and jaw. He kissed the corner of Sasha’s lips, then paused.

  “What?” Sasha’s voice was thick, as though he was drugged, but the bond between them was clear and strong.

  “I didn’t want to kiss you if—” Alex pressed his lips together. He could still taste Sasha on the back of his tongue, mixed with the saltiness of his skin.

  Sasha rolled his eyes, then yanked him forward. “Come here and kiss me.”

  Alex kissed him hard, unable to suppress his grin of joy and relief as Sasha kissed him back. He could feel Sasha, a spot in his mind that he’d never realized was empty, now filled with passion and arousal, hope and relief. And love. That was the most overwhelming sensation of all, the fiery heat of Sasha’s love for him, radiating through the
bond between them.

  “I want you to smile like this,” Sasha said between frantic kisses. “All the time. So beautiful.” He lapsed into Russian, hands sliding beneath the thick hoodie that Alex was wearing.

  And suddenly Alex realized how warm he was. He’d been frozen straight through before, fingers stiff with the cold and body shaking with it. Now he was burning up, both from the heat of the bond and from Sasha’s blood running through his veins. He scrambled to slide out of the sweatshirt, Sasha helping to tug the heavy material off over his head.

  “Oh, солнышко.” Sasha voice was heartbroken. His hand trailed over Alex’s chest a moment later, fingers bumping along the visible ribs. “I’m so sorry.”

  Alex blinked. “Sorry? Why?”

  Sasha leaned forward, brushing his lips against the bottom of Alex’s ribs. “For scaring you, for giving you so much fear, for making you hurt like this.” He moved his mouth up with every word, pressing kisses up Alex’s rib cage and sternum until he was hovering over Alex’s heart.

  “Sasha, no.” Alex pushed him back, just enough that he could meet those bright blue eyes straight on. “You have nothing to apologize for. I should have trusted you. I should have at least listened. I let my fear overwhelm me.”

  He pushed Sasha down, with arms that were finally beginning to regain their former strength. Sasha went easily, falling onto his back and pulling Alex along with him.

  “I never want to hurt you,” Sasha said.

  “You don’t,” Alex said. “You can’t. I doubted before, but now I know it. You take care of me, comfort me…. You love me.”

  “Yes.” Sasha pulled him down, kissing him deeply.

  Alex spoke the next words against his lips. “You love me, and I love you, and right now I want to make you feel as good as you make me feel.”