by Sarah Nego
“I don’t have any excuses. I did have a drink at a party this weekend. It was a complete lapse of judgment on my part, and I wouldn’t blame you for removing me from the team.” Saying those words sent a stab of pain through my gut. Everything I’d planned for was dissolving in front of me.
“That’s what I wanted to hear.” Coach nodded and tapped the folder with his knuckles before picking it up and sliding it into a drawer. “We all make mistakes, me included. But I expect my players to take responsibility for their actions.”
My players. Did he still consider me one?
“I’m putting you on two weeks’ probation. You will attend all practices, and I expect you to be at the games on the sidelines. But you will not suit up, and you definitely won’t play. So long as you keep your nose clean, and I don’t hear of any more issues, you’ll be reinstated.”
He wasn’t kicking me off the team. This wasn’t the end of everything I’d worked for. I wanted to cry from the relief of his words. “Thank you so much.”
“Thank you for being honest with me.” Coach leaned forward and looked me square in the eyes. “But I need you to understand that this isn’t baseball. You don’t get three strikes. Consider this your one and only warning. Next time you’ll be off the team immediately.”
I nodded so quickly I might have given myself whiplash. “Of course, I understand. There won’t be a next time.”
“Good, then we can put all of this behind us. I see a lot of potential in you, but you need to prove it.” He grabbed a clipboard from his desk and stood up. “Now go get changed for practice.”
“Yes, sir.” I stood and sprinted out of the room toward the team locker room.
I wasn’t dead yet, though I’d barely survived. Thoughts of Vanessa flared in my head. Coach never said who ratted me out, but it had to have been her. Vanessa had gone straight for the jugular and tried to get me booted from the team. I hated her more than ever.
But not more than I hated myself. I knew better than to be drinking at a party. I’d read the student athlete’s manual at least a dozen times over the summer. I knew something like that could get me removed, but I dismissed it as a non-issue. With so much on the line, staying sober for a few years was far from a hardship.
But I’d let myself get distracted by a hot guy who also happened to be an amazing kisser. For the past few weeks, I’d let my focus slide, and it had almost cost me everything. And I couldn’t even blame it on Ryan. He hadn’t poured the drink and forced it into my hand.
I’d let myself think for a second that I could keep all my scholarships, have a normal college experience, and date Ryan while keeping my life on track. It was like I’d forgotten my promise to stay focused. Drinking with the soccer team wasn’t anywhere on my schedule. It was like Coach said, if I kept my nose clean I wouldn’t have any problems. Following the schedule didn’t leave me time for anything else that could get me booted from the team. I needed to refocus on why I was there.
By the time I reached the locker room, only a few players were still finishing up. Avery and Sam rushed over to me as soon as I dropped my bag in front of my locker.
“Oh god, please tell me you’re still on the team,” Sam gushed, her face pulled tight with worry.
“Vanessa was going on and on about how she expected us all to be loyal to the team, and anyone who couldn’t handle that wouldn’t be here any longer.” Avery’s mouth pinched into a straight line, and I knew exactly how she felt about Vanessa’s speech.
Sam grabbed my hand and squeezed hard. “You were the only one not there for her little pep talk, so everyone assumed you were off the team.”
I took a deep breath and explained that our captain had reported me, and I was on probation for two weeks.
Avery’s shoulders tensed. “God, I hate that psycho so much.”
I set a hand on her arm. “I broke the rules, and this is my punishment. I’ll deal with it and make sure she never has anything to report on me again.”
“Damn right,” Sam said, clenching her fist.
Avery gave me a sad look. “What about—”
I cut her off with a hard look. “She can’t ever have anything else to report on me.”
Sam tugged on Avery’s arm. “Okay, hurry up and get changed. We’ll see you on the field.”
I nodded and rushed to get my practice jersey on. It wouldn’t do me any favors to be late for practice. I reached into my bag for my shin guards, and my phone buzzed. Ryan’s name popped up on the screen, indicating an incoming text. I thumbed off the screen and tossed my phone back into my bag.
Twenty-Nine
Ryan
Tuesday
My stomach rolled with anticipation and dread as I bounced in my seat in the large classroom where our Spanish class met. I hadn’t seen Luci since she left my house on Saturday night. She’d been distant on Sunday, only responding to my messages with one-word answers, and then completely stopped responding to my texts.
I’d heard Coach had put her on two weeks of probation for underage drinking. Thinking about her being put in that situation made my blood boil. Vanessa had gone straight past torturing Luci and had tried to get her kicked off the team. The evil witch probably had no idea what that spot on the roster and corresponding scholarship meant to Luci, but I did.
I knew she didn’t have a rich dad picking up the tab on a practically limitless credit card. She didn’t have someone to cover her tuition if that scholarship disappeared, and she certainly didn’t have a summer home she could run to in order to nurse her defeat. Luci didn’t have any of Vanessa’s advantages, but Luci was made of tougher stuff than anyone could have predicted.
She would come out of this okay, but I needed to see her. Every part of me needed to confirm with my own eyes that she was all right and this setback hadn’t brought her down.
Just before the clock ticked over to eight, Luci rushed into the room. She kept her head down and her shoulders stiff as she made her way to a seat three rows over from mine.
What the hell? Luci always sat next to me in class. Spanish had become one of the highlights of my week. Any chance I got to see her was worth sitting through Professor Ramirez’s dull lectures.
She kept her eyes trained on the front of the classroom as the professor greeted us all in a language I would never master and then launched into the lesson for the day.
Screw this. I grabbed my bag and quietly slid out of my seat. Keeping my head ducked and my back bent, I shuffled over to where Luci was sitting. She barely blinked as I unfolded at the desk next to her.
“Are you avoiding me?” I whispered. Luci was furiously scribbling notes as Professor Ramirez droned on about adjectives or something else I didn’t want to learn. I hadn’t even bothered to pull out my notes. There was no way I’d be able to concentrate until I knew what was going on inside Luci’s head.
Luci kept her eyes trained on the front of the classroom, but she shook her head ever so slightly. If I hadn’t been staring at her, I would have missed it.
“Can you talk to me, please?”
Never dropping her eyes from our teacher, she shook her head again and tapped the eraser end of her pencil on to her notebook.
Nope, not good enough. I knew Luci took her classes seriously, but I took us seriously. I grabbed my phone out of my bag and pulled up our last conversation. If me asking her questions and Luci eventually responding with a yes or no a conversation could be called a conversation.
Can we talk about what happened this weekend?
It was such a loaded question. Of course I wanted to talk about what happened after she left and what went down in her coach’s office. But what I really wanted to discuss was what happened in my bedroom when it had felt like we were finally getting to the same place, and that place was the two of us together.
Luci’s phone buzzed on the edge of her desk, but she ignored it.
I need to know that you’re okay.
And then I needed to know that she wasn’t givin
g up on us that easily.
Luci glanced at her buzzing phone but still didn’t pick it up.
Desperation filled my gut like a poisonous mushroom cloud. The realization that I could be losing her slapped me across the face. Everything was just starting to fall into place between us, and for the first time ever, it felt like someone really got me. I hadn’t understood what it would feel like to have someone in my corner cheering me on.
I’d survived when my mom packed a suitcase and walked out without looking back. But I didn’t think I could handle Luci walking away.
Desperate times called for desperate measures.
Luci
Please
I need to talk to u.
Don’t shut me out.
We can do this.
Her phone buzzed incessantly, vibrating against the wood veneer of her desk, and the girl next to Luci looked over at her, her eyes squinting at the annoying phone.
Luci sighed and picked up her cell. I quickly fired off one more text.
I miss you.
The muscles of Luci’s neck twitched as if she was battling against herself to turn and face me.
I’m trying to learn.
Despite my unsettled nerves, I grinned at her text. I could almost hear the exasperation in her short message.
I know. Please don’t hate me.
Luci’s shoulders sagged as she read my last message, and I fought back the urge to wrap an arm around her and pull her close to me. I wanted to help carry the weight holding her down.
I could never hate you.
That was good. Very good. Because what I was feeling for Luci felt like the exact opposite of hate, and that made the thought of losing her all the more terrifying.
I have to focus.
Her last text hit me in the gut. She was trying to concentrate in class, and I was the one keeping her from focusing. But I still needed to know that we were okay.
I can help you.
Luci shook her head and tapped at her phone.
You’re a distraction.
Saliva filled my mouth, and I sank back into my seat. She wasn’t wrong, and not just right then in class. I’d kept her up late so often that she’d pretty much stopped making it to breakfast, but I couldn’t walk away.
“All right, time for your next group assignment.” Up at the front of the room, Professor Ramirez passed papers to the students in the front row. “You’ll have one week, so these are due at the start of class next Tuesday. You can have the last ten minutes of class to pick out partners and get started.
I waited until Luci and I both had our papers before sliding my desk closer to hers.
Luci stared silently at our new assignment before turning to face me. There was a hardness in her eyes that did nothing to settle the fear rumbling in my gut.
“Luci.” I dipped my head down so that our conversation couldn’t be overheard. “I meant everything I said on Saturday. I don’t want to stop seeing you because Vanessa has misplaced anger issues.”
Her face fell at my words, and for the first time, I could see the exhaustion pulling at her eyes. “I’m not saying I don’t want to see you anymore, I just…” She bit at her lip and nearly killed me with the second of silence. “I can’t afford to make any more mistakes.”
The need to touch her was too great, so I pulled one of her hands into mine and relaxed a bit when she let me. “I promise. I’m not a mistake.”
That was a shitty promise. I was probably the worst mistake a girl like Luci Ryder could make. It was a lie I’d tell a million times if it meant a chance to make things right with her.
She nodded once. It was the smallest of signs that we still had a chance, but I was going to take it.
“Can we still be partners? I have a game Friday night, but I can make time after practice any day this week.”
Luci took her hand back and tucked our new assignment into her notebook. “Sunday. We can meet then. But Ryan…”
Even the way she said my name was beautiful.
“I need some space this week, okay?”
I nodded like a fool, ready to agree to anything so long as she didn’t ask me to stay away forever.
“Okay. Good luck on Friday, and I’ll see you Sunday.” She gathered her papers, slid them into her bag, and left.
Without her, the room was instantly colder, and an unsettled feeling soaked into my bones. I hated every part of that conversation from her hesitant eyes to the words she used when she pretty much told me to leave her alone this week. Not talking to her went against every instinct I was feeling. But that was what I would do. Because Luci was worth letting go, if it meant I could keep her forever.
Thirty
Luci
Friday
Calculus
Intro to Art
Speech
Practice
Laundry
Art outline review
When I got to Pearson, I told myself school had to come first. I made a schedule and intentionally kept my weekends packed with studying or conditioning for soccer. That was what I’d convinced myself I needed to do in order to make sure I stayed on track. But planning to spend your Friday nights studying alone in your dorm room was completely different from actually doing it.
Not that I was completely alone. Erin lay on her bed, thumbing through yet another glossy magazine. But she was only killing time until she left for another party. Or, as she called it, another chance to live and experience the world around her. She was almost convinced that going to parties was essential for her future career in journalism.
I grabbed my phone off the floor where I was sitting and checked the screen yet again, but there wasn’t any point. Ryan wasn’t going to text me because I’d told him not to. As if creating distance between us would somehow erase my probation. I’d thought cooling things with Ryan would give me time to refocus on what was important and let me catch up on sleep. So stupid. Instead of staying up late texting him, I lay in bed half the night wondering what he was doing and worrying about things I had no control over.
As much as I hated to admit it, I missed Ryan. I missed his stupid grin and the ridiculous questions he always asked. Mostly I missed the way he made me feel like I wasn’t alone. For as long as I could remember, my singular focus on become a top graphic designer had kept me a little separate from everyone else. I had plenty of friends in high school and my teammates were always around, but I was always more concerned with beefing up my college applications than whatever party was happening over the weekend. No one ever teased me about it, but they didn’t understand it either.
Until Ryan. He never once questioned if all my sacrifices were worth it, or even necessary. He never threw doubt on my obsessive need to reach my goals. He was just there, telling me I could do it.
I checked the screen of my phone again and let out a sad sigh that it was still blank.
“Oh my god, I can’t take it anymore.” Erin closed her magazine and tossed it at my head.
I batted it down before it hit me and glared at her. “What was that for?”
“I was hoping to knock loose whatever is in your brain and making you stupid.” She sat up and threw her pillow at me, this time hitting me in the face. “Is it working?”
“Jesus, Erin, knock it off.” I stood up from my spot on the floor, grabbed my pillow, and flung it at her.
Erin caught my pillow and tossed it gently back to me. “Finally some signs of life. You’ve spent all week barricaded in this room, moping like someone kicked your dog. Call him already.”
I flopped onto my bed and hugged the pillow to my chest. “I can’t.”
“Well, shit.”
I sat up and stared over at my roommate. “What?”
“Luci Ryder just said she couldn’t do something, and now the world is going to end. I’m totally unprepared for an apocalypse.” Erin rolled her eyes and stuck her tongue out at me.
“You know why I can’t call him.”
Erin smiled over at me an
d batted her eyes. “Because you’re a big baby who can’t admit that she’s fallen for a super-hot, really nice guy, and maybe that isn’t the worst thing that’s ever happened.”
“That has nothing to do with it,” I shot back. But even I barely believed it anymore.
“I’m calling a big case of bullshit.” Erin walked over and sat on my bed next to me. “Vanessa is literally the worst, and now you have to be extra good with this probation business. But let’s be clear that you’re almost always extra good. This probation thing is barely a slap on the wrist.”
I opened my mouth to remind her I’m not allowed to play for another week, but Erin cut me off by putting a hand over my mouth.
“You’re constantly telling me that you don’t have time for a real relationship because you have to put school first and you’re super busy with soccer. So tell me, what were you working on tonight?”
I glanced down at the open book still lying on the floor of our dorm room. “I was outlining chapters for European History, and before you ask, it isn’t an assignment, but outlining helps me study.”
Erin shrugged. “That’s fine. When is the professor planning to go over the chapter you were working on?”
She had me. Heat flooded my neck, and I stared down at my hands. “Two weeks from now.”
I expected Erin to raise her voice and tell me how ridiculous I was being. Instead she wrapped an arm around my shoulders and pulled me flush against her. “Luci, you’re seriously one of the smartest people I know. But right now, you’re being really stupid.”
My eyes watered, and I blinked away the tears that came out of nowhere. “I know.”
AP exams, school assignments, soccer games. Those were all things I knew how to handle. Years of work and studying meant I knew how to plan for unexpected test questions and power forwards. But I had no idea how to handle Ryan VanKamp, and that terrified me. This was new territory for me, and I didn’t like it.
She bent down, snagged my phone off the floor, and handed it to me. “So call him.”