Breathless (Yoga in the City Book 1)

by Leigh LaValle

  It took all my strength to walk away, but I did.

  Chapter 15

  Hannah

  “Are you sure you know how to do this?” Crystal asked.

  “I’m sure.”

  Silence, then, “I still think we should call an electrician.”

  “So, we can pay some guy too much money to do what I can do for free? Besides, it’s Sunday night.”

  “What if you get electrocuted?”

  “I won’t.”

  “How do you know?”

  “Because I’ve been electrocuted before, and it sucked, and I taught myself how to avoid it in the future.” I climbed up the ladder, hoping Crystal was done with her worrying. We were upgrading the lights in the bathroom. Once I’d installed the new fixtures, we’d paint and build in some cubbies for students to put their things. “Seriously, Crystal, I turned off the electricity to the bathroom. There’s no way I can get hurt.”

  “Fine.”

  “Can you shine that light on the ceiling? I can’t see what I’m doing.” My tone was gruff. In fact, I’d felt frustrated all weekend. Ever since that non-date and simple kiss with Jake.

  Crystal pointed the flashlight upwards.

  “Not in my eyes,” I cried. “The ceiling, point it at the ceiling.”

  “Jeez, someone’s in a mood,” she muttered.

  “Sorry.”

  “You should just go out with him.”

  I held my tongue and quickly removed the old light fixture, then connected the wires to the new one and screwed it in. I put in the bulbs, fitted the glass cover, and climbed down the ladder.

  “Where did you learn all this stuff?”

  “What stuff?”

  “Changing tires and light fixtures and using power tools?”

  “You get good at fixing stuff when you’re poor.”

  “So, you taught yourself?”

  “My mom taught me some. I taught myself the rest.” I moved the ladder to the next light fixture and climbed up.

  “Where does your mom live?” Crystal was full of questions this evening.

  “She passed away when I was twenty.”

  “I’m sorry. That must have been hard.”

  I didn’t reply. I needed to concentrate to get this done.

  Besides, what was there to say? My mom was gone. I missed her all the time. Nothing changed that.

  “Can you hand me that Phillips head screwdriver?” I asked.

  “Which one? With the x or the flat one?”

  “The x. How’s your mom doing? Is she feeling better?”

  “Not really. It’s been a long spring. My dad tries to help, but he’s not a good caregiver. I’ve been the one doing most of the work for her. I don’t mind, but it’ll be nice to get my life back.”

  “I bet.”

  I moved the ladder to the last fixture.

  “Why won’t you go out with him?”

  “Jake?”

  “No, the Cookie Monster. Yes, Jake.”

  “Well, we are kind of dating-ish. We’ve kissed and had coffee and dinner and kissed again. And I really like him.” I blew out a frustrated breath.

  “So? Date him all the way.”

  I stepped down from the ladder and brushed hair out of my eyes. “I just… I get needy around guys, and I hate it. I forget myself, and my life starts revolving around them. So, I’ve made a list. A Dating Rules list. And I need to stick to it.”

  “Come on. You can’t be that bad around guys.”

  I gave her a look. “I can seriously sit and stare at a phone for three hours. Three. Hours. Waiting for a call.”

  “So, just call him.”

  “I can also call a guy thirty-two times in one day.”

  Silence. I’d finally shocked Crystal into silence. “But when was that? Were you young?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “I was eighteen. He was really goth and I died my hair, pierced my lip, the whole deal. Then I dated my college professor when I was nineteen.” I couldn’t stop. It was like I had to convince Crystal I was a dating disaster.

  “Okay. Wow. Well, we’re all a mess in our teens. You were still a kid.”

  “When I was twenty-one, I put money down on a wedding dress after the fourth date.”

  She laughed. “You did not.”

  “Oh, I did.”

  “You were still grieving your mom at twenty-one,” she insisted, her optimism foolishly undaunted. “Tell me about your latest boyfriend.”

  I winced.

  Crystal shook her head. “What did you do? Make thirty-three calls in one day? Put money down on a house?”

  “No, I…I dated my yoga teacher.” I blurted the words.

  “Who hasn’t?”

  “He was the owner of the studio where I worked. So, he was kinda my boss more than my teacher. We got serious, and I moved in with him. I gave up a great apartment with huge windows and low rent and no utility bills. And I was like June Cleaver all of a sudden, trying to cook and clean and make him happy. I don’t even know where it came from.”

  Crystal frowned. “What happened?”

  “He cheated on me with another teacher at the studio. Said I wasn’t generating enough sexual energy to sustain his masculine needs.”

  “Ugh!” she groaned.

  I planted my hand on my hip, old anger coming up to the surface. At him. At myself. “Next thing I knew, I was out of a job too. He said I was blocking the energy flow of the studio.”

  “The jerk.”

  “Oh, he was something, all right. He left me unemployed and homeless. I mean, literally homeless. I had to sleep in my car for a while. It took me a year to get my feet under me again.”

  “What’s his name?” Crystal pulled out her phone.

  “Are you going to Google revenge him?” I laughed, touched by her anger on my behalf. “It’s okay. I’m over it. And it brought me here, so it was meant to be, right?”

  She pointed at me. “That’s right. I like that attitude.”

  I turned back toward the ladder, but Crystal stopped me. “We need to work on your root chakra.”

  “My what?”

  She waved her wrist, her bracelets jangling, the light dancing around the ceiling. “Your root chakra. Mulhadara. You know, your connection to the earth.”

  I’d heard of chakras before—one can’t be a yoga teacher and not hear of them. But I’d never thought I had any issues with mine. I tightened the last of the screws. “Like the rainbow circles? One of mine is, what, the wrong color?”

  She clucked her tongue. “Don’t be so quick to dismiss it, Miss Skeptical. Tell me this, does yoga make you feel better?”

  “Well, yes, but—”

  “But what? Don’t give me an answer about oxygen and muscle length. Yoga is based on Ayurveda, the oldest medical system known to womankind. And it’s still popular today because it works. Most people just talk about the basic elements of stretching and strengthening and breathing, but yoga operates on deeper energy systems too, the main one being the chakras.”

  “Okaaay.”

  “We have seven major chakras, starting at our perineum in our pelvis and going up to the top of our head.”

  “And my problem is in my pelvis? So, like, sex?”

  “No, and it’s not a problem. It’s just a place where, perhaps, your energy isn’t flowing as strongly. The first chakra is where we’re connected to the world, where we feel rooted and grounded. It’s our most basic needs of food, shelter, water, and love. Not romantic love, but just human love.”

  The backs of my eyes starting to sting. What the hell. I wasn’t the type to get emotional about this new-agey stuff. Maybe I had some dust in my eyes.

  “I mean, was your early life stable?” she asked. “Do you feel like the world is a safe place, like you can relax and your needs will be met? Do you feel taken care of? Do you feel like you know where your home is? Like you belong?”

  Um, no. On all accounts.

  I blinked hard. Definitely dust. “How do you k
now all this?”

  She must have heard something in my voice, because she quickly reached out and grabbed my hand. “My mom is really into it. And, honestly, you’re pretty textbook. We all have something. Mine is my second chakra. My mom’s is her fifth. It’s not a big deal, it just helps us to know where we’re challenged so we can recognize our patterns and maybe choose something different.”

  Choose. That was just it. So much of life wasn’t a choice. It was sink or swim. Live or die. Fight or go hungry.

  “It’s a lot, I know. But I want to help you. The important thing is to recognize that your thoughts and feeling about the world aren’t necessarily true, they’re just colored by your energy patterns. Two people can have the exact same experience and interpret it in different ways, depending on their chakras.”

  I collected my tools and folded up the ladder, glad it was still dark in the room.

  “You interested in learning more? I know you’re not into all this energy stuff, and I won’t jump into crystal healing and all that. I promise.”

  “Yeah, no crystal healing.” I headed out to the hallway and opened the circuit breaker panel.

  “But there are some things we can do,” she said, trailing me. “You’re already getting into your body with yoga, which is awesome and shows your wise intuition. The next thing would be to get out into nature. Be with the earth.”

  “Be with the earth?” I imagined Crystal dancing around the campfire, singing songs.

  “Go for a nature walk.”

  “That I do, but I can get out more.” I flipped the switch for the bathroom. “Are the lights on?”

  She peered into the bathroom. “Nothing happened.”

  Shit. “Really?” I flipped the switch a few times, pressed the reset button, anything I could think of. “What about now?”

  “Nope. It’s dark.”

  Crap. I’d messed something up.

  Crystal looked at me. “It’s not working?”

  “Nope.”

  “Do you know what’s wrong?”

  “Nope.”

  “Why don’t we call Jake? Maybe he can help.”

  “I don’t want to call him.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because of everything I just said! I need to settle down in my life here before I get involved with a guy. Especially a guy like him. He’s just so much, you know? He tilts the axis of my world.”

  “Wow. I want a guy who does that. Sounds like a good thing to me.”

  “It’s so not a good thing. At least not until I’ve found myself.” I nodded, like I could convince myself. “He’s in the mountains this weekend anyway.”

  “But maybe he’s back, and this is his building. And he likes you.”

  “I don’t want to.”

  “Now you’re just being stubborn. What are we going to do tomorrow when the female students need to pee?”

  “I’ll fix it.”

  “By the morning?”

  “We could make the men’s room coed for a day.”

  Crystal sighed. “Stubbornness is a root chakra imbalance.”

  Argh. I wanted to tell her to shut up about my root chakra already. Instead, I pulled out my phone. “Google will tell me what to do.”

  Three hours later, the lights were still off. Crystal had left, and I was ready to stab my screwdriver into the wall. I was working in near dark, but I was going to fix this. For the third time, I went through my work and rewired all three light fixtures.

  This time, the lights turned on.

  Fucking finally.

  I can’t say why or how. But the lights were working, and that was good enough for me.

  I cleaned up my mess in the studio and slogged home. My mind churned over my failed dating record and my Dating Rules. And Jake. I dragged myself through my front door, my shoulders tight and my temper short. I could either have a snack fest in front of the TV or try to relax and meditate.

  I should sit. Just for a few minutes. Then have my snack fest.

  I climbed upstairs to the quiet spot I’d made in the corner of my bedroom, and I sat down, exhausted, on the pillow on the floor.

  Just a few minutes.

  I closed my eyes. I practiced a simple mindfulness meditation where I counted my breaths up to ten, then started back at one. It wasn’t that hard.

  One, two, three…eighteen, nineteen—

  Oops.

  One, two, three…twenty-four, twenty-five—

  Shit.

  One, two, three…ten. One, two, three… I’m really rocking this now. See, I can do it… Wait, where was I? Shoot.

  One, two, three… Ah, Jake. Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake…What did he think when he saw my thong? Should I bring it up? He’d laugh if I called it thong-gate.

  Ack.

  One, two, three, four, five… How does he know just how to kiss me?

  Okay. Focus, Hannah. One breath, two breath, three breath…

  I should really have some Doritos tonight.

  Crap.

  What if I do try this thing with Jake? We’re already in the middle of it anyway. What if I let my past be in the past?

  Shoot. I’m thinking again.

  After seven minutes, I gave up. It was a total failure.

  Only I could fail at meditating.

  I went to the kitchen and gave in to that bag of Doritos. I cut up an apple too, for compromise. Then I opened my journal and found my Top Ten Reasons I Shall NOT Date Jake Marshall list. I found a red pen and made some edits.

  Top Ten Reasons I Shall NOT Date Jake Marshall:

  For real:

  1. He’s way too hot for me

  Is there really such a thing as a guy who is too hot?

  2. He’s my landlord

  The more I know him, the more I trust that he wouldn’t do anything to hurt my

  business. He’s an honorable guy.

  3. He has power over my business and finances (see #2)

  See above

  4. I need to find myself before I can get involved again

  How did this not occur to me earlier? He’s leaving in a few months. There’s no chance of me getting lost in him because he’ll be gone. In fact, he’s the perfect guy to have a relationship with right now. There will be no need to keep him at arm’s length because he will be in Alaska. PRACTICE BOYFRIEND.

  5. He tilts the axis of my world

  Well, find your own gravity, girl.

  6. He’s leaving soon

  Which makes him PERFECT (see #4)

  7. He’s a jock and a charmer

  He’s so much more than that.

  8. I need to focus on Bloom

  And he needs to focus on his training. It’s not 24/7

  9. I am in over my head just being near him

  I am feeling better, more relaxed, around him. And having fun.

  10. He seems too perfect which means there are some ugly skeletons hiding

  I want to help him with his ugly skeletons.

  11. Dating is hard work and I’ve got a lot on my plate

  It might be hard but it will certainly be fun

  12. Focus on my career right now

  I can do both

  13. I want my decisions to be my own

  That still works

  14. I need to get on my own path before I get sucked onto his

  I AM on my path. I will resist getting sucked onto his. And if I do, he’s leaving soon

  15. When I fall, I fall hard (and I want to do it right, when I choose to do it)

  How hard can I fall in eight weeks?

  I nodded at my edited list, satisfied. I could do this.

  Couldn’t I?

  Before I second-guessed myself again, I clicked over to a yoga store and started shopping for expensive yoga pants that I couldn’t afford.

  I scrolled through the outfits that cost as much as a month of groceries. In my mind’s eye, I was going to be one of those perfect yoga women, with my perfect (tamed) hair, my skinny legs, and my killer outfit.

>   I stroll out of Bloom, so fresh and so clean, every hair in place, when who do I run into but Jake. He’s not wearing a shirt (this is my fantasy, after all), and he can’t take his eyes off me. My beauty and grace make him forget thong-gate, just wipe it from his mind forever.

  “Hannah,” he breathes. Like my name is a prayer on his lips.

  I just throw my (perfect) hair back over my shoulder and laugh.

  But the laugh sounded a little wicked, and not sexy wicked, but mean wicked like Cruella de Vil, so I dropped the fantasy and got back to shopping for new pants.

  Then I clicked over and checked the Bloom Facebook page. I’d posted the recipe for the green drink that I liked, and there were already twenty comments. I scrolled through them, my heart in my throat. Two thousand people followed this page. What would they say to my post? Was it too irreverent?

  But the comments were all positive.

  “Green drinks usually taste like lawn, but this one really is good!”

  “I didn’t even know I was drinking my spinach.”

  “No gagging!”

  I laughed at the comments and wrote a new post.

  Does meditation work when you fail?

  Chapter 16

  Jake

  Brian stormed into my office Monday afternoon and slammed the door behind him.

  “You said no to the Carter deal?”

  I took the ice pack off my twinging knee. Damn, I’d overdone it on Pyramid Peak. But it was worth it. Some men love alcohol or fast cars or gambling. Me, I loved the mountains. I was too exhausted from the physical exertion to think about the VFW or speeches or comrades who never came home. A certain peace settled over me out there in the big blue abyss.

  A peace that didn’t translate to the office.

  “Is this a new habit? You coming into my office to bitch at me?” I grumbled.

  “What the fuck, Jake?”

  “What the fuck, Brian. I didn’t say no to the Carters. I just said if they wanted me to do the entire project personally, they would have to wait until November.”

  “And break ground as we turn to winter? When are you going to stop this?”