Breathless (Yoga in the City Book 1)

by Leigh LaValle

  Cody would have loved the class. It was totally his thing. Being a goofball, but being positive about it. Not a prankster, just fucking living.

  So, I loosened the fuck up. And danced. And lived. For Cody.

  Brian was outside when class got out. I was sweaty and covered in rainbow sparkles and too happy to care. The sawing and hammering was still going on, but I hadn’t noticed it with the drums.

  “Sparkly boy.”

  “Disco dude.”

  The guys cat-called me. I opened my arms, in the “bring it on” gesture. The grin didn’t leave my face.

  “Rainbow wonder.”

  “Glitter girl.”

  I laughed. These were my boys. My crew.

  Women streamed out—sexy, sweaty women in tight clothes—and the guys finally shut up.

  Then Hannah came out. She walked over to me, her expression bright and open and happy. “What did you think?”

  I put my arm around her and kissed her rainbow sparkly forehead. “A great idea. I didn’t notice the noise at all.”

  “We’ve added it in every noon. It’s been our most popular class these last few weeks. And, I must say, you have some bad-ass dance moves. I’m impressed.” She bumped her hip into mine.

  “I’ll take you dancing sometime.” I nudged her ear with my lips. “How about a noon quickie?”

  She blushed. “Well, I have…I mean, I could…”

  She trailed off as Brian walked over.

  “You have glitter all over you.” Brian raised a brow at me. “It’s a good look.”

  “Thanks. I thought so too.”

  He smirked at me, then turned to Hannah. “Nice to see you. Jake tells me the noise has still been an issue for your yoga studio. We’re sorry to hear that and will do our best to keep on schedule so you can get back to normal. Nobody likes these things to drag out.”

  Something flickered across Hannah’s face, but then she smiled brightly again. “Jake showed me the plans. The building is going to look fantastic.”

  “Well, we have five more weeks until Mr. Sparkle here leaves us. So, we have to keep our focus.”

  I scowled at Brian. Was that a fucking warning? For me? For Hannah?

  Hannah’s face fell. “Nice to see you, Brian. Bye, Jake.” She gave a little wave and walked away.

  “Thanks for the cock block, dude,” I growled at my cousin and walked away too.

  Chapter 27

  Hannah

  The sun didn’t shine anywhere else the way it shined in Boulder. Jake and I were enjoying the spring day at an outside table at Mountain Buzz, and the birds and the flowers and the sun were a backdrop to my happiness.

  “What are you thinking about?” Jake asked around a bite of sandwich.

  It would be so easy to just lean over and fall in love and hope you catch me. “Nothing.” I took a long drink of my dirty chai.

  “No one thinks about nothing.”

  “Maybe the Dali Lama.”

  He grinned. “Okay, I’ll give you that.”

  I smiled back.

  Oh boy, I was falling hard. But Brian’s warning played over and over in my head—Jake was leaving in five weeks. “Maybe we need to keep more balance,” I blurted.

  “Balance.” He tested out the word.

  “Yeah. We’ve been spending a lot of time together and—” I shrugged. I don’t want to get my heart broken. “I don’t want to make you lose your focus.”

  He sat back. “Because of what Brian said.”

  I nodded.

  He sighed. “I’m good, all right? I want to be with you. You don’t have to worry about my training or any of that.” He was quiet for a moment, considering me. “You know, I think you were the hardest girl to get to go out with me. What’s the story with your last boyfriend?”

  I shook my head. No way. “You really don’t want to know.”

  His eyes lit up. “Oh, now you have to tell me.”

  I groaned, trying to think of the easiest way out of this. “He owned the studio I worked at last. We were together for two years. I lived in his apartment for the last year. I thought it was so perfect. He was my yoga guy, you know. He had all the right accouterments. The mala beads and Buddha statues and groovy yoga clothes. He looked all spiritual and shit.”

  “I can guess where this is going,” he grumbled.

  “He was an ass.”

  His eyes flashed with amusement and something else. Something darker. “But a spiritual ass.”

  “Um, no. Just an ass ass.”

  “What did he do? Because I’m sure he did something.”

  “Oh, only cheated on me, kicked me out, and fired me. Within the course of a week.”

  He sat back. “Wow. That’s bad.”

  “He was a shit.” I shrugged. The usual sting wasn’t there. I didn’t care about my stupid ex anymore, to be honest. Why should I think about him when I had this hot-hottie sitting across from me? “I hope you don’t think poorly of me.”

  “For dating your yoga teacher?” He raised his brows. “Am I a hypocrite?”

  “No.”

  He looked at me a long time, then tucked a hair behind my ear.

  “What are you thinking?” I asked, echoing his earlier words.

  “I can’t decide if you are more sexy or cute.”

  His words sent a zing through me. I playfully rolled my eyes. “Why does it have to be one or the other? It’s like the Madonna or whore complex.”

  “The what? Sounds like a new indie rock album.”

  “You are such a guy.”

  “In all the right places.”

  I swatted his arm with a laugh. “So, what do you have planned for this weekend?”

  “I meant to tell you. I’m going out of town. Training in Crestone. I’ll have to move our yoga lesson to next Tuesday, if that words for you.”

  I straightened my spine, refusing feel anything but happy. “Sure. I’ll text you to confirm. When do you leave?”

  “Tomorrow afternoon. I’ll be back late Sunday or early Monday. Next week, we have electric coming in upstairs. But it shouldn’t be too loud. This renovation has really screwed you guys up.” I could hear the regret in his voice.

  “Pretty much.”

  “I’m sorry. I wish there was more I could do.”

  “I need to get Cathy Cook to do that report on the studio for real. You could invite her back? She won’t return our calls.”

  He shook his head firmly. “Not happening.”

  I exhaled, letting my shoulders slump and my chin dip forward. “I didn’t really think you would. But a girl can dream.”

  He tipped my chin up with his finger and thumb. “Hey, you can dream about me anytime, sweetheart.”

  It was the second time he’d used the endearment with me, and my heart melted. I leaned over and planted a kiss on his lips. He wrapped his arm around me and pulled me closer. I loved being tucked up against him. I loved the solidness of his arm around me and the harbor of safety it provided. Like everything would be all right. Like I could relax, be soft, and be open.

  Five more weeks, my brain whispered.

  Shut up, my heart replied. Be here now.

  The following Monday morning, I practiced yoga with the girls and actually enjoyed a fresh juice from Mountain Buzz. Carrot and apple juice with a hint of lemon and ginger.

  “Have you ladies noticed it’s harder to teach a small class?” I asked. “You’d think it would be easier, but there’s just no momentum in the room.”

  Annette frowned. “How small?”

  “Two people.”

  She sighed, and the sound crushed my chest.

  Crystal sipped her tea. “Maybe it’s all the nice weather. People want to be out hiking and biking for exercise. We’ll get through it. By the way, nice pants, Hannah.”

  “Thanks.” I was going to eat peanut butter and jelly for the next month, but my new yoga pants had arrived and they were freaking awesome. I couldn’t wait for Jake to see me in them. The print was bri
ght and wild, kind of tropical but not, and I was full-on rock star in them.

  “So, do you have your Yoga Week workshop figured out?” Annette asked. I glared at her. Nice change of topic.

  Crystal glanced over at me, awaiting my answer.

  I shook my head. “Not at all,” I groaned. “I’m so lost, which just isn’t like me. Maybe I can just skip it. I’ll forfeit my share of Yoga Week.”

  Annette’s mouth dropped open. “No way. And it’s not about the money, it’s about you feeling the worth and value of what you have to offer.”

  “Maybe I don’t have anything special to offer. Maybe that’s the problem.” Even as I said the words, I cringed. I needed to figure something out, for my students. What kind of message would I be giving them if I just bailed?

  Jennifer shook her head. “Everyone has something special to offer. Everyone. Even you.”

  Guilt sank through my bones. Jennifer needed money too. She needed me to pull my weight. “I know, I just… Can you please tell me what it is, so I can make these posters?”

  Annette crossed her arms around her knees. “People are responding well to your Facebook posts.”

  “I’m not sure my posts are bringing students into the studio, but I’m having fun with it.” It was helping me to put my irreverent, imperfect self out there and get a positive response too. I was surprised how many people shared my sense of humor.

  But humor wouldn’t pay the bills.

  “I see lots of great things in you.” Crystal draped her arm over my shoulder. “But you have to do this for yourself.”

  Ugh. I let out an ugly, frustrated sound. My body was all keyed up. The studio was on the verge of failing. Jake was getting in too deep. I was on this precipice. My whole life was going to change, and I didn’t know how or why or what to do.

  My heartbeat jacked up, and I wanted to shrug Crystal’s arm off me.

  Instead of pushing away my anxiety, like I used to, I tried to just let it be there. Let it move like a choppy river. I wanted to peel my skin off from the inside just to get away from the prickling inside me. But I sat with it. That was something, right?

  My phone dinged with an incoming message. Crystal picked it up.

  “It’s from Jaaaaake,” she sang.

  I wanted to leap across the space and grab the phone. I hadn’t talked to him in days. He’d been out of cell service in the mountains. Crystal handed me my phone and I devoured his message.

  Jake: I miss you. I’m home in a few hours. Can I see you?

  Jennifer sat up. “What’s going on?”

  I didn’t reply.

  “Uh-oh. Did you call him ten times yesterday?” Crystal asked.

  “No.” I stared at my phone. “He’s in the mountains. But I wanted to text him even knowing he wouldn’t get it. So I buried my phone in my dirty laundry. He wants to get together tonight. Should I say no?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I spent last night looking through outdoorsy magazines eating a bag of Oreos. I was like a junkie, getting a fix. All I could think about was buying new clothes so I could look like the girls on the glossy pages. And fantasizing that I was going to go on his expeditions with him. Then fantasizing that we were going to be this happy little family. I’d come home from teaching yoga, and Jake would’ve made dinner. The kids would be playing with blocks, and the house would be a mess, but a happy mess. And he’d kiss me and tell me he missed me and that his new project was going well. And he’d ask about my day and we would put dinner on the table together and everything would be more than wonderful.”

  There was a beat of silence. None of the girls said anything.

  I squeeze my eyes closed. “I’m crazy. I know.”

  Crystal laughed. “You and every other woman.”

  “Oh, men,” Jennifer sighed.

  “It’s not men, it’s me.”

  “I don’t know,” Annette muttered. “They make us all a little crazy.”

  “I’m really falling for him,” I confessed.

  Jennifer looked at me in that frank way of hers. “And that’s a problem because…?”

  “Because he doesn’t do long term. When he leaves, he leaves. And then, when he comes back, he’s going to work upstairs, and I’m going to have to treat him like a friend, nothing more. He’s going to date the blonde from the restaurant, and my heart is going to break in two. And oh my God, now I can’t breathe, picturing what it will be like to see him in November and us pretending nothing happened.” I tried to take a breath and calm my racing heart. “I picked the wrong practice boyfriend. This guy is the real thing.”

  I glanced back down at my phone.

  “What does your heart tell you to do?” Crystal asked.

  I bit my lip, then typed my reply.

  Hannah: I’ll come over and make you dinner.

  Jake: You’re my angel. Can’t wait to see you.

  Chapter 28

  Jake

  Later that week, I stepped out of Wilderness Mountaineering, slid on my shades, and lowered the brim of my trucker hat. The sun was relentless, heat rising off the concrete in waves. I had two more errands to go in Denver, one to pick up a special part for my camping stove and the other to drop off my sleeping bag for laundering and repair. Then I’d hit the gym for a two-hour workout.

  I slipped into the crowd waiting at the crosswalk. The entire city was out enjoying the warm Thursday afternoon weather. The crosswalk signal beeped, and we all fell in line like good little city sheep.

  But my feet faltered. Sgt. Pepper—Peter Pellinger—was on the other side of the street.

  Someone bumped into me from behind.

  Peter turned down the sidewalk away from me. He was carrying two grocery bags.

  I lunged toward him, pushing people out of my way. I had to follow him. I had to talk to him. I barged through the stream of people, weaving through the crowd.

  Sgt. Pepper. It was him. Same hair. Same build.

  But he was dead.

  Dead, dead. Not pretend dead.

  I tried to run ahead, but I couldn’t catch him. The crowd was too thick.

  He got divorced last winter. Two months later, he locked himself in the garage with the car running, a bottle of Jack Daniels at his side.

  The guy turned into a store. I tripped to a stop.

  It wasn’t Peter. Of course it wasn’t. Their faces weren’t similar at all.

  I whipped off my hat and scrubbed my hand through my hair.

  “Fuck!” The word tore through me. Made my throat ache.

  A woman holding hands with a little girl looked at me as she walked by, her brows creased. I was scaring the moms. I had to get my shit together.

  I put my hat on. Turned in a circle. Where was I? Where was my truck?

  What the fuck was wrong with me?

  I strode away from the busy street. Going anywhere as long as it was away from the crowd.

  I couldn’t breathe.

  I kept walking. Down the quiet side streets. Eating up the concrete squares with long strides.

  Maybe it was stress. Cathy Cook kept calling. The VFW speech was a heavy blanket I couldn’t shrug off. And Cody’s mom left another message about Sunday dinner.

  I had so much shit to do in the next four weeks. Get my gear together, finish projects at the office, catch up on training, and see the doctor one last time. I was checking things off my list, counting down the days.

  I was getting focused.

  But still, something was off.

  Hannah. I needed to see her. I pulled out my phone and checked her schedule. She was teaching back-to-back classes today.

  I walked for another hour, until my mind was put together again. Then I finished my errands. Drove to the studio. And waited for Hannah’s class to get out.

  I parked out front and leaned against my truck until she came out.

  “Jake,” she said when she saw me, surprise and happiness in her voice. She leaned into me and wrapped her arms around my waist.


  This. This was what I needed. Like she could hold the broken pieces of me together.

  I pulled her into a big hug and just held her. She felt so damn good in my arms.

  “Hey.” She rubbed my back. “You okay?”

  “Yeah. I’m better now that you’re here.”

  “I want to be here for you.”

  Be here for now. Be here for another month. Be here till you leave.

  The words hung between us, and guilt twisted in my chest. I should let her go. The sooner the better, before things got any more serious.

  But I couldn’t.

  I kissed her lips, and it was true, I did feel better. “Are you hungry?”

  “Starving.”

  I waited while she locked up, then opened the passenger side door of my truck. “Hop in. I grabbed Chinese. We can take it back to my house.”

  I slid into the driver’s seat, then leaned over and kissed her again. “I’m taking you hiking on Saturday. All day. We leave before dawn.”

  Hannah leaned across the bench seat and kissed me back. “You can be kind of bossy.”

  I shrugged. “It goes with the job description.”

  “Architect?” she sounded doubtful.

  “No.” I huffed a laugh. “Soldier.”

  We got to my house. She started unpacking the food I’d brought and didn’t say anything. We hadn’t talked about the war much, and I thought the conversation was over. But then she surprised me.

  “So, you still think of yourself as a soldier?”

  “Of course.”

  “Once a soldier, always a soldier?”

  I shrugged. “They design it that way. All that training gets inside you.”

  “To keep you safe?”

  “Sure.”

  She was quiet for a moment. “So, that’s why you go on these dangerous expeditions.”

  “What’s why?” I wasn’t sure I liked where this was going.

  “The war. The stakes. The danger. Skirting the edge of death to be alive.”