STOCKINGS AND CELLULITE

by Debbie Viggiano

  ‘Why don’t you share Jamie’s bed?’ suggested Livvy.

  ‘What an absolutely brilliant idea,’ I exhaled with relief.

  As I cut the engine on Jamie’s driveway, Jonas leapt excitedly out of his father’s car.

  ‘Breaking news! We’re having a sleepover – including my Dad and your Mum – but they’ll have to squash up and share the same bed.’

  Jamie had evidently phrased everything just so. Only Petra, lounging against the Rover’s grubby wing, cast me a sly knowing look. I had the grace to blush.

  Jamie grinned as I walked towards him.

  ‘Mission One successfully accomplished,’ he gave me a quick hug. ‘Mission Two will follow tomorrow.’

  ‘What’s Mission Two?’

  ‘Meeting my mother.’

  Waking up beside Jamie the following morning and knowing our four children were about felt both strange but right. But there wasn’t time to languish. Jamie’s mother was due at midday.

  Edna Mackerel was absolutely everything that I wasn’t. Screamingly punctual, she arrived in a pristine Micra just as the big hand of the clock was edging past noon. As the engine died there was a brief pause before the driver’s door swung open and a pair of well shod size threes alighted on the tarmac. The legs, still shapely and encased in silk stockings, were followed by a small woman with a strong jaw. As I monitored her progress from behind the violently twitching kitchen curtains, it was glaringly obvious that this was a pensioner capable of leading armies.

  As Jamie welcomed his mother in the hallway I hastily dropped the curtain and threw myself down on a seat at the kitchen table. Feeling an urge to do something with my hands, I grabbed one of the children’s abandoned lemonades and fiddled with the glass. As Edna walked into the kitchen I leapt to my feet and stuck a hand out in welcome, promptly knocking the lemonade over.

  ‘Oh bugger,’ I greeted.

  ‘Leave that darling,’ Jamie instantly took control with a wet J-cloth. ‘I’ll clear up while you and Mum get acquainted.’

  Gazing into Edna’s piercing blue eyes I perceived the sort of shrewd intelligence only the very gifted are born with. As we shook hands I felt as if I were standing before a pint sized female version of Arnie from The Terminator. I just knew Edna was scanning, assessing and digesting my every pore.

  Jamie busied himself cooking Sunday lunch leaving me badly parodying his efficiency. I messed about with napkins, laid and relaid the table, moving cutlery about unnecessarily. Not that Jamie was the next Gordon Ramsay or anything. Far from it. A bog standard chicken had been placed in a roasting tray surrounded by supermarket prepared roasties, parsnips and Yorkshire puds, and the steamer was loaded up with a mixture of frozen veg. He was almost a kindred spirit to my own easy-does-it cuisine, although my expertise was more akin to slaving over a hot tin opener and bunging things in the microwave.

  I instinctively knew that Edna Mackerel had never resorted to convenience foods in her entire life. I surreptitiously studied her throughout the afternoon, collating my own data bank of information.

  Edna had been tragically widowed in her early thirties but, whilst privately devastated, had refused to wear a public mantle of grief and gone on to magnificently raise three small children single-handedly, run a home and hold down a busy job as a highly reputable seamstress. As if that wasn’t enough to be getting on with, she’d also grown fruit and veg in the family’s manicured garden, baked her own meat pies and apple puddings and set about gaining a thorough knowledge in DIY.

  With a mixture of admiration and horror I listened to fondly regurgitated tales of knocking up desks for homework and even wiring light fittings. I could barely change a light bulb, never mind a light fitting. And my prowess in the needlework stakes was limited to school cross-stitch which had, in latter years, been reluctantly re-employed for stitching name tags in school garments.

  When Edna eventually declared it was time to be off she hugged her grandchildren tightly and even swept Livvy and Toby into a warm embrace. Jamie towered over her as he bent down to kiss her floury cheek. Suddenly it was my turn to say farewell, but just as I stepped forward her piercing blue eyes locked on mine.

  ‘Cassandra dear, do please keep me company while I walk to my car.’

  ‘Certainly,’ I warbled. Jamie winked and gave me a little prod in the back.

  Edna pressed a button on her key fob and the central locking sprang into life.

  ‘Let us sit inside for a moment dear.’

  ‘Sure.’

  Reluctantly I opened the passenger door and slid in beside her.

  ‘Now then Cassandra.’ The blue headlamps swivelled in my direction. ‘We are both grown women and I don’t bandy words, so you must forgive me for coming straight to the point. What exactly are your intentions with my son?’

  ‘M-my intentions?’

  Gosh, she wasn’t telling porkies about being direct.

  I cleared my throat. ‘Er hum. Well now. I love him,’ I croaked.

  No response.

  ‘I really really love him.’

  Oh Lord. Edna could either accept me or reject me. I rallied.

  ‘You’re probably thinking that I’ve known your son for all of five minutes, but in fact it is much longer than that. At least ten minutes actually…ah ha ha ha!’

  She didn’t laugh back.

  ‘Er hum hum. Well basically we’ve known each other for much longer than we have actually, um, you know, known each other. What I mean is, we met each other ages ago – well earlier this year actually not years and years ago – and recently, ree-cent-ly we started dating. But-’

  God this was excruciating and I seemed to be making a total pig’s ear of it. Edna had asked a direct question. Why, for just once in my life could I not respond likewise? I ran a hand through my hair.

  ‘Look Edna, in a cack-handed way what I’m trying to say is that I feel like I’ve known your son forever. And I must confess I certainly want to be with him forever.’ For a moment I studied my hands fluttering about in my lap. ‘What more can I say?’

  There was an interminable pause.

  ‘There is nothing more you can say dear,’ she eventually answered. ‘Like me, Jamie was tragically widowed young in life through dreadful and unexpected circumstances. I was aghast that history should so cruelly repeat itself. Jamie went to hell and back. The children were bereft without their mother. Slowly and painfully they travelled the road of devastation and grief until a form of healing eventually took place. Of course Jamie has kept female company from time to time – I know that. But I have never been privy to meeting any of his lady friends Cassandra. Not one. Until now. Clearly you are exceptionally special to him. If I may be so pertinent, I would hazard a guess that one day you might be my daughter-in-law?’

  ‘I certainly hope so Edna.’

  ‘You have my blessing.’

  Her words exploded into my brain. I had her blessing! Shakily I exhaled. Edna patted my hand and started the engine. The meeting was over.

  As I walked slowly back to the house, I tried to see things from Edna’s perspective. Yes, things were happening quickly. The last few weeks had been akin to hurtling through life as if on a roller-coaster. In the space of just a few weeks I had fallen madly in love. And it must be a mad love too. Of course Edna should rightly scrutinise me and question my intentions. The ink was barely dry on the Nisi of my previous marriage. I had appeared from nowhere with two children in tow, apparently poised on the threshold of uniting two fractured family units into a single one.

  I nibbled my lip. I had been so recently caught up in keeping Livvy and Toby shielded from Stevie’s ranting threats of bitterness and recriminations, I hadn’t stopped to think about the impact on them if things went pear-shaped with Jamie at some point. I gulped. What if our relationship later floundered? The twins had already suffered the break up of their parents’ marriage. What if they had to suffer the break up of a second relationship? And what about Petra and Jonas? They’d already lo
st their natural mother. What if the step-mother turned out to be a hopeless case and got the sack?

  Calm down Cass, calm down.

  Changing the perspective again, I tried evaluating the situation through Jamie’s eyes. Widowed, his children left motherless, everybody grieving. I realised that having suffered such dreadful tragedy, he wouldn’t risk playing with the emotions of his children if he wasn’t absolutely sure about us.

  Finally I attempted looking at things through my ex-husband’s eyes. Was he fearful of competing with another man for the affection of his own children? I knew the twins loved their father unconditionally and that nobody could replace him. I’d just have to underline that fact to Stevie. He’d freely displayed his own love life – a pretty fickle one at that – in front of the children. Surely he could now be generous of spirit for their sake if not mine?

  At teatime Jamie conjured up some pizzas from the deep freeze. After the earlier formal dinner with Edna present, supper was a laid back affair with fingers rather than knives and forks. As I fielded requests for squash and cola, he gave my bottom a discreet pinch before turning to address all the children.

  ‘Isn’t it nice all of us being together like this?’

  On account of all four mouths being crammed with pizza, they were only able to nod, albeit enthusiastically.

  ‘And I think it would be even nicer if we could do this all the time,’ Jamie casually sliced up an enormous Hawaiian, dropping bits of pineapple over the table as he served. ‘How about we buy one big house and all live together?’

  Four rotating jaws froze. Toby was the first to recover.

  ‘You mean,’ he swallowed frantically, ‘live together as in all under the same roof?’

  ‘That’s it!’ Jamie nodded while I held my breath.

  ‘We’d need an awfully big house Dad,’ Jonas frowned.

  ‘Yep, it would have to be a bit of a whopper.’

  ‘What do you think Mum?’ asked Livvy.

  ‘Well it sounds like a lovely proposition to me,’ I responded carefully, ‘but I think I’d prefer to know what you kids feel about the suggestion.’

  ‘I love the idea,’ Petra declared firmly. ‘Livvy would be like the sister I’ve always wanted. Not so sure about having another brother though Tobes,’ she laughed good-naturedly.

  ‘S’okay,’ Jonas mumbled through his pizza. ‘I’m happy to exchange Livvy for Toby. At least he doesn’t spend hours gibbering rubbish about soppy lip gloss and whether to crimp his hair or braid it.’

  ‘Does that mean we’re all in agreement?’ Jamie’s eyes were dancing with merriment. Everyone looked at everybody for affirmation and suddenly we were all leaning over the half-eaten pizzas cheering and hugging.

  ‘This definitely calls for a celebration,’ Jamie’s face was flushed with happiness. ‘Ribena all round?’

  Needless to say the sleepover extended into a second night and all the children wanted to talk about was shopping for a new family home.

  Having felt faintly miffed about Edna’s capabilities, the following morning I decided that anything she could do I could at least attempt to do too. I handed out breakfast plates loaded with bacon, sausage, egg, baked beans and toast – a total turnaround to the usual mundane cocoa pops and cereal bars.

  ‘What a fabulous feast Cassie,’ said Jamie as my hands, encased in oven gloves, set a heaped plate before him. ‘Mm, smells heavenly. I’ll have to marry you.’

  Once again there was a frozen pause as four pairs of eyes swivelled from Jamie to me.

  ‘Dad, are you seriously proposing to Cass?’ asked Petra, ‘because if you are, I don’t think much of it.’

  My heart began to thump uncomfortably. Oh God. I knew things had been too good to be true. This was it. The first sign of the dream beginning to crumble. Jamie and I exchanged fleeting glances before Petra continued disdainfully.

  ‘You’re meant to go down on one knee.’

  Jamie immediately got up from the table and went down on one knee – right in the middle of the kitchen surrounded by four boggle eyed children and a greasy mountain of breakfast paraphernalia.

  ‘Darling Cassie,’ Jamie grabbed my oven mitt. ‘Will you marry me?’

  ‘Yes,’ I squeaked.

  Livvy and Petra looked at each other in stunned amazement before erupting into each others arms.

  ‘We’re getting married,’ shrieked Livvy deliriously.

  ‘Blimey, we really are going to be brothers,’ said an incredulous Toby to Jonas.

  Before Jamie went off to work he drew me close and held me tight.

  ‘I’ll leave you to ferry the kids to the stables when they’re washed and dressed. Any problems Cassie, just give Mum a ring. Her number is on the corkboard. She’ll pick the kids up from the stables later this afternoon and I’ll have a one-to-one with her this evening.’

  ‘Okie-dokie,’ I grinned and kissed my future husband goodbye. Mm. He looked so handsome in that dark tailored cloth. There was something about a uniform on a chap that oozed authority and alpha maleness. There were distinct possibilities for that attire, particularly those shiny handcuffs.

  I smirked and floated off to the kitchen. Whoever coined the phrase ‘walking on air’ knew their stuff all right. My body might be standing over the kitchen sink with my rubber gloves whisking about in soap suds, but a part of me had risen right up over the draining board, wafted through the open window and even now was sailing towards those fluffy clouds surrounded by silver linings.

  ‘Mum?’ Toby fog-horned down the stairs, shattering the moment. ‘I think I’ve blocked Jamie’s loo.’

  I sighed ruefully. There was nothing like one of my son’s bowel motions to bring the real world back into focus.

  Once all the children had been deposited at the stables, I caught up with Nell. As we sat in her kitchen nursing our coffees, I brought her up to date on Jamie’s kitchen proposal.

  ‘Good heavens Cass, you certainly don’t let the grass grow under your feet. Are you sure you’re not,’ she hesitated, ‘being a touch impetuous? After all it’s only eight months since you booted out Husband Number One and already Husband Number Two is on the scene,’ she gave me a kind look. ‘Is it possible you could be rebounding?’

  ‘I know on the surface it would appear so. But don’t forget I went out with Jed a couple of times. Then I had a disastrous fling with Euan. If ever there had been a rebound situation then surely that was it. And let’s not forget that incredible blind date you yourself engineered.’

  ‘Clive was a sweetie,’ she said defensively.

  ‘He was pompous, arrogant and egotistical. Not to mention camp. Privately I would question which way he swings.’

  ‘He’s straight,’ Nell sniffed.

  ‘I wouldn’t bet on it.’

  ‘Well I think he’s utterly divine and-’

  ‘And then,’ I cut across her, ‘let’s not forget Matt Harding was also considered for a little while. He’d certainly been eager and willing until I bailed out at crunch time.’

  ‘More fool you.’

  ‘I’m just not into casual sex.’

  ‘More fool you,’ Nell repeated.

  ‘Are you deliberately trying to wind me up?’

  ‘No,’ Nell feigned innocence. ‘Didn’t you also have a blind date with a fascinating octogenarian?’

  ‘You are trying to wind me up,’ I scowled.

  Nell grinned. ‘Tell me again what he was like.’

  ‘A poor chap clutching a pension book in one hand and the dregs of faded youth in the other.’ I arched an eyebrow at Nell. ‘Sorry, what was that you were saying about rebounding?’

  ‘Okay, point taken. Don’t be so tetchy.’

  ‘I won’t be if you open another packet of Hob Nobs.’

  That evening Jamie telephoned for our goodnight pillow talk ritual. I mentally heaved a sigh of relief when he relayed that Edna had not been remotely surprised to hear about her son’s long term plans for a married future. She had assured J
amie she was more than happy to relinquish the daily input with his home and children once we were all living together. Clearly she was anxious not to be seen as interfering.

  ‘You must assure Edna that she can still be involved. I would hate her to think she’s not wanted,’ I told Jamie. ‘I know! Why doesn’t she live with us?’

  ‘Oh Cassie, no, I don’t think so. Firstly, we’ll be newlyweds and everybody will be adjusting to the new set up. It wouldn’t be a wise to have a mother-in-law permanently on the scene. Secondly, quite apart from anything else, Mum is fiercely independent. She wouldn’t want to live with us.’

  ‘Well so long as she doesn’t think I don’t want her around.’ It was important to maintain good links with the mother-in-law, especially one as highly qualified as Edna. Who else could knock up a handy book case in between making half a dozen steak and kidney pies for the deep freeze? The fact that Edna’s practical abilities considerably eclipsed my own was neither here nor there. Good heavens no!

  And, in retrospect, Jamie was right. If Edna lived with us I’d probably have daily panic attacks and end up a hyperventilating lunatic. Certainly my days of serving up beans on toast would be numbered.

  Morag telephoned mid-week.

  ‘Come over for supper this evening with Jamie,’ she invited. ‘Bring all the kids too.’

  Naturally Matt and Morag were thrilled to hear that, one day, wedding bells would ring for us too.

  ‘Have you seen this?’ Morag proudly thrust her left hand under our noses. On her third finger glittered a serious diamond.

  ‘Ooh very nice Miss McDermott, very nice indeed,’ I complimented peering at the beautiful stone.

  ‘Where’s yours?’ she asked peering at my bare fingers.

  ‘Gosh, well, I’m not sure,’ I spluttered with embarrassment.

  Jamie hadn’t mentioned anything about an engagement ring. My general presumption had been that a policeman’s pay packet was rather thin for diamonds when bricks and mortar were more pressing.

  ‘We haven’t had a chance to get around to it,’ Jamie picked up the conversation. ‘But we will.’

  My heart did a few skippy beats. Oh goodie. I didn’t want to be materialistic but a twinkly stone or three were most agreeably my sort of thing.