STOCKINGS AND CELLULITE

by Debbie Viggiano

  ‘I hope he doesn’t do to you the same thing that he did to me.’

  I arched an eyebrow enquiringly. Any further attempt at speech was out of the question.

  ‘So he’s told you that you’re the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with, hm?’ She smiled maliciously. ‘That’s exactly what he did with me. Told me he loved me, couldn’t live without me, wanted to marry me – oh yes he did,’ she assured as I shook my head disbelievingly. ‘You’re in for a nasty surprise, you mark my words,’ she gave a tinkle of derisive laughter. ‘I actually feel quite sorry for you Cassandra. I could say more, but this isn’t the right place.’

  I stared at her, horrified. As if on cue my zipper chose that precise moment to give out. It slithered down its metal track, exhausted from containing so much spare flesh for the last few hours. I stared at it sorrowfully. By the time I looked back up, Selina had turned on her heel and was heading back to the party.

  ‘Are you okay darling?’ asked Jamie over breakfast the following morning. ‘You seem terribly subdued.’

  ‘Oh, you know,’ I shrugged listlessly, ‘the morning after the night before.’

  ‘But you did enjoy yourself didn’t you? Ginnie thought you were terrific. She thought how very well suited we were.’

  ‘Really? That was generous of her.’

  ‘That’s because it’s true.’

  ‘Is it?’

  ‘Of course! Cassie, what’s the matter?’

  I licked my lips. ‘When I came out of Ginnie’s bathroom last night, Selina was waiting for me.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘She told me that you once proposed to her and then unceremoniously dumped her,’ My lip wobbled dangerously, ‘and that one day you’d do the same to me.’

  ‘You don’t honestly believe that load of poppycock do you?’

  I hung my head as hot tears welled up. Jamie leant across the Cornflakes and grabbed my hand.

  ‘Cassie, listen to me. After I lost Philly I never thought I’d fall in love again. Sure, I went out with a few women here and there. Selina was one of them. But they were no more than female company. Some were better company than others, but none of them made me feel–’ Jamie paused struggling to find the right word, ‘alive. I thought I was some sort of emotional cripple with a heart of stone. And just when I least expected it, I did fall in love. Deeply. With you. Only ever you.’

  I looked up at Jamie, my tears spilling over now and running in hot rivulets down my cheeks.

  ‘I couldn’t bear to lose you,’ I wept wiping the backs of my hands across my face.

  ‘And you’re not going to. Whatever Selina said, it’s simply sour grapes.’

  I sniffed and stretched a damp hand down to stroke Wallace and Gromit, our recently acquired cats from a local Animal Shelter. They weaved around my crossed ankles under the breakfast table, looking hopeful that a saucer of milk might be in the offing.

  ‘Tell you what,’ Jamie winked, ‘as all the kids are at the stables, why don’t I whisk you back upstairs and show you exactly how much I love you.’

  Oh Lord. I hastily stood up and started clearing the breakfast bowls. Now why did the thought of rumpy-pumpy suddenly leave me feeling totally exhausted? This wasn’t good. Not good at all. There was a time – and not that long ago either – when I’d fizzed and sputtered all over the place. Jamie had only whispered my name and – bam – down I’d gone, legless with lust. Where had my libido gone? I gave a little yelp of worry.

  Just at that moment there was the sound of a key turning in the front door.

  ‘Damn,’ muttered Jamie. ‘Looks like Mum’s back already.’ He got up and stood behind me, wrapping his arms around my waist and whispering in my ear. ‘You’ll have to stay on ice until tonight my darling.’

  Hell. Perhaps I could pop a couple of sleeping pills in his cocoa? Oh my God! What was I thinking of? Drugging my fiancé? What sort of woman was I to even consider such a thing?

  I yelped again, this time in terror.

  ‘Steady darling. Don’t you worry – I won’t let you down. You’ll be begging me to stop.’

  Yes, definitely sleeping pills. If not for him, then for me. Good idea. And if I made sure the light was out he might possibly mistake my inertia for languid compliance. Brilliant Cass. Just make sure you don’t snore.

  As luck would have it, our romantic evening tryst was scuppered when Petra let out a shriek of horror just before bedtime and confessed that she’d forgotten to do her weekend homework.

  ‘Well it’s too late to do it now,’ said Jamie. ‘In future young lady can you please get homework done on the Friday evening?’

  ‘But what am I going to do?’ wailed Petra. ‘I’ll get double detention. Please Dad, let me do it before I go to bed.’

  ‘It will take too long.’

  ‘Not if you help me,’ Petra wheedled.

  ‘Oh for goodness sake,’ blustered Jamie. But I could see he was fighting a losing battle.

  ‘Darling,’ I caught his arm as he went off to Petra’s bedroom, ‘I’m feeling absolutely whacked. Do you mind if I have an early night?’

  ‘Of course not,’ Jamie dropped a kiss on my nose. ‘You do look a bit peaky actually. I’ll be up later.’

  Sighing with relief, I kissed all the children goodnight before shutting myself in our bedroom.

  But the following morning, far from feeling refreshed, I felt totally depleted of energy. Arriving at Hempel Braithwaite early, I decided to seek Morag out.

  Shouldering her office door open, I instantly launched into a diatribe about my libido anxieties.

  ‘Am I glad to see you,’ I declared rolling my eyes dramatically. ‘I’ve completely lost my sex drive – haven’t had a bonk all weekend. What’s wrong with me? And what am I going to do? Jamie likes to roger me senseless. You have no idea what he’s like sometimes. It’s as if he’s one big sex-mad hormone, a permanently switched on pneumatic drill – bbrrrrrrrrrrr,’ I made my body go rigid and juddered up and down on the spot by way of demonstration.

  Suddenly I registered Morag’s frozen expression.

  ‘What’s the matter?’

  Morag had opened her eyes very wide and was clearly trying to convey a silent message. She gave an almost imperceptible nod in the direction behind me. My eyes widened back at her. She gave a tiny nod of confirmation at my silent query. I closed my eyes and swallowed.

  ‘Good morning Mrs Cherry!’ said Martin Henniker coldly. I slowly turned to see my grim-faced boss seated in the sofa area reserved for clients. ‘I was in the middle of a meeting with Miss McDermott.’

  ‘And a very good morning to you too Mr Henniker,’ I smiled sweetly. ‘I was just referring to that new docu-drama on the television last night.’

  ‘Oh really? What was it called?’

  ‘Er, Raiders of the Lost Libido. See you in five.’

  Bugger, bugger, bugger.

  At lunch time Morag, Julia and I sat on our favourite park bench. The late November sun shone weakly through the trees, soft white light peeking through bare branches.

  ‘I had terrible trouble keeping a straight face after you’d left Cass,’ Morag snorted. ‘Oh Julia, if only you’d been there – Henniker’s face was an absolute picture!’

  ‘Laughter aside,’ I said grimly, ‘what’s wrong with me? I love Jamie. Fancy the pants off him. So why has my body ceased rejoicing?’

  ‘Maybe you’re going through the menopause,’ suggested Julia. ‘My friend Maisie went through it in her late thirties. Almost immediately she went right off sex and-’

  ‘Thank you Doctor Julia,’ Morag interrupted, ‘but I think I’m more qualified than you to give advice.’

  ‘Which is?’ I asked.

  ‘You’re simply run down!’ Morag exclaimed. Emotionally, mentally, physically. We’ve all experienced it at some point and suffered the screaming heebie-jeebies when our fannies have failed us.’

  ‘Morag!’ Julia and I gasped in unison as a passing jogger overheard a
nd nearly cannoned into a tree.

  ‘What you need is some of these.’ She reached into her enormous Dr Doolittle handbag and pulled out a bottle of tablets.

  ‘Oh no, not more of your home prescriptions,’ I groaned. ‘You nearly murdered my intestines last time around. I’m not having you bumping off my private parts too.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  ‘Are they legal?’

  ‘Of course! Take some of these and you’ll soon perk up. In no time at all you will be completely perkified and wanting to perky all over the place.’

  ‘What’s in them?’

  ‘Only ginseng and herbs from my Chinese therapist. I’ll let you have these but if you want any more you’ll have to go to him yourself. Now do you want them or not?’

  ‘Do they definitely work?’

  ‘Cross my heart.’

  ‘In that case I’ll take two of them right now.’

  ‘Cass, you only need one. They are very powerful.’

  ‘I know my body. Trust me, I need two.’

  ‘And you wonder why you get extreme results,’ she flung her hands up in exasperation. ‘On your head be it.’

  After work I detoured to the local supermarket to pick up some convenience meals for dinner. However, when I staggered into the kitchen trailing carrier bags, it was to find Edna already in situ. Having briefly gone home for a few days, she was now back ‘visiting’. Edna was somehow managing to strain sprouts, make gravy, baste roast potatoes and slice up an enormous joint of beef all at the same time.

  ‘Hi,’ I cranked up a smile just as one of the carrier bags split and shed its load all over the floor.

  ‘Hello Cassandra dear. Dinner won’t be long. Would you like to get washed and call the children down? Jamie has telephoned and he’ll be home any moment.’

  ‘Er, yes. Right. Will do. I’ll just sort this little lot out before-’

  ‘Leave it dear, I’ll put your shopping away. You go and freshen up.’

  ‘Right,’ I said again. Just at that moment the telephone rang. I snatched it up possessively. Edna might be cooking in my kitchen and putting away my shopping but she wasn’t answering my telephone as well. ‘Hello?’

  Silence. Oh not the anonymous caller again. I thought Jamie had said the new telephone number was in hand?

  ‘Who is this?’ I demanded. But I was talking to myself. The line had gone dead. I punched out one four seven one, but an automated voice advised the caller had withheld their number.

  ‘Sorry darling,’ Jamie later apologised, ‘I completely forgot to sort out the number business. Tell you what, why don’t we just get a blocker put on so withheld numbers can’t get through? In fact I’ll do it right now.’

  That night I quickly cleaned my teeth before miserably swallowing two more of Morag’s capsules. Slipping under the duvet I pulled it over my head, feigning sleep as Jamie came into the bedroom.

  At work the following morning, something peculiar happened. Martin Henniker was, for once, late. He strode into the office in a filthy temper demanding coffee right now. For some perverse reason he came across as strong, commanding and – dare I say it – masterful. And for one brief moment I went a bit funny. Kind of swooned. Only for the teeniest moment you understand, but there was a definite warm rush of – well, just a warm rush.

  Even more peculiarly, when Morag, Julia and I later congregated on our park bench for lunch, I caught myself leering at the regular lone jogger as he pounded his well worn path.

  ‘Why are you looking all lustful?’ demanded Julia, eyes sharp and watchful.

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’ I snorted tearing my eyes away from the jogger’s buttocks. Suddenly I was feeling hot and seriously bothered.

  ‘You’ve gone bright red!’ exclaimed Julia. ‘You’re having a hot flush. I knew it! Didn’t I tell you she was going through the menopause Morag? That’s exactly what happened to Maisie after she’d gone off sex. Within days she was having hot flushes. You’ll be sweating buckets next,’ Julia waggled a finger in my face, ‘with soggy sheets and manky armpits-’

  ‘Oh for goodness sake Julia!’ barked Morag. She shifted position to take a better look at me. ‘I told you not to overdose on those herbal pills,’ Morag waggled her own finger under my nose. I slapped her hand away.

  ‘Will you two stop remonstrating with me! I’m just a bit warm that’s all.’

  ‘Seriously Cass, cut back the dose. It’s working.’

  Before going home I detoured to the High Street. Edna had insisted on picking all the children up from school so I could start on Christmas shopping. However, buying cards and wrapping paper was the last thing on my mind. Now that my libido seemed to be back, I needed to make my body look the part.

  I pushed open the door to the beauty salon.

  ‘Good afternoon!’ trilled the beautician. ‘What are we doing today?’

  ‘Lots of things – starting with my chin.’ The beautician adjusted her spectacles and peered at where I was pointing. ‘It’s gone all whiskery see? Confession time, I’ve been plucking.’

  ‘Hm, I see. Okay, come and lie down on the couch for me.’

  ‘Can I have a bikini line too?’

  ‘Have you been plucking down there as well?’ she frowned.

  ‘No,’ I lied. ‘I want a really svelte result. Like a lap-dancer, but I can never remember the name. A Denmark Doo-flip or something.’

  ‘I think you mean a Brazilian.’

  ‘That’s the jobbie. Although actually,’ I hesitated, ‘on second thoughts take the lot off. Yes. I’ll have a Baldie.’

  As the beautician got down to business, I distracted myself from the self-inflicted pain by telephoning the twins’ father.

  ‘Stevie?’

  ‘Hi Cass. Kids all right?’

  ‘Yes fine. I wanted to talk to you about arrangements over Christmas and-’

  ‘Ah yes Christmas. I’m at home at the moment so why don’t you pop over.’

  ‘Oh, right. Be with you in half an hour.’

  When I arrived at Stevie’s I was greeted by a dishevelled young woman wearing nothing other than a man’s shirt which just about covered her backside.

  ‘Charlotte!’ I gasped.

  ‘Hello again,’ she had the grace to look a bit embarrassed and tugged at the shirt’s tails.

  ‘Er, hi. Is Stevie there?’

  ‘STEVIE!’ she squawked. ‘Your ex-wife’s on the doorstep.’

  Nice to know she hadn’t lost the ability of reminding me who I was.

  ‘I don’t mean to rush you Charlotte but I’m in a bit of a hurry. Got to get back home and get the dinner on.’ Before Edna produced another show-stopping mega feast and the children got up a petition insisting that she live with us forever.

  ‘Cass! Come in,’ Stevie bounded down the stairs zipping up his flies. ‘Now I’m perfectly aware that you’re off to the Bahamas and-’

  ‘Are you? How do you know that?’

  Stevie suddenly looked shifty. ‘Oh. Um, one of the kids mentioned it.’

  ‘Really?’ I scratched my head, puzzled. I wasn’t even sure I’d discussed the Bahamas trip with any of the children. Well not properly anyway.

  ‘Now don’t worry about a thing. I’ll look after the twins, sort out the cats, so all you have to do is get on a plane and have a wonderful time.’

  ‘Well it will only be a whistle-stop visit. But it’s just too much taking all the children with us. So Edna will look after Petra and Jonas-’

  ‘And I’ll look after Livvy and Toby. Of course. We’re looking forward to it. Aren’t we sweetheart? Charlotte?’

  But Charlotte had stomped off upstairs.

  ‘What on earth is she doing back here?’ I whispered.

  ‘In a nutshell we bumped into each other and things rekindled.’

  ‘You’ve forgiven her for the galloping graffiti session?’

  Stevie smiled benevolently. ‘Yeah, she’s promised not to do it again.’

  ‘Blimey,’ I shook
my head in wonder. ‘Must be love.’

  Unfortunately I hadn’t quite managed to pip Edna to the post regarding evening dinner.

  ‘Did you have a successful shopping trip dear?’

  ‘Oh! Er, yes thank you.’

  ‘What did you buy?’

  ‘Something for Jamie,’ I smiled secretly.

  ‘Ooh lovely. Can I have a peek?’

  ‘Ah. Best not Edna. It’s a surprise you see.’

  ‘I quite understand dear.’

  Privately I didn’t think Edna would remotely understand if she glimpsed my newly acquired bald spot.

  The telephone rang. Edna got to it before me.

  ‘Hello? Yes. Yes dear. Just a moment and I’ll get her for you. It’s for you Cassandra dear.’

  ‘Hello?’

  Silence.

  My heart began to beat a bit faster. It was the anonymous caller again. And this time they’d asked for me by name.

  ‘Why are you doing this?’ I demanded, but I was talking to a dead connection. I spun round to Edna standing over the range. ‘Was that a man or a woman you just spoke to?’

  ‘A woman dear. Is there a problem?’

  ‘Er, no, we got cut off that’s all.’

  ‘Perhaps they’ll call back dear.’

  ‘Yes.’

  I walked out of the kitchen taking the handset with me. I knew that Jamie had now put the blocker in place on withheld calls. In which case – I excitedly punched out one four seven one – it meant the caller had left their telephone number! Sure enough an automated voice began to reel off the numbers. I hit the number three button on the handset to return the call. There was a pause and then a click as the connection was made. At last I would find out the identity of my tormentor! Nervously I listened to the ring tone.

  ‘’Ello?’ said a rough male voice.

  I nearly dropped the handset in shock.

  ‘Hello?’ I ventured cautiously.

  ‘’Ello!’

  ‘Who is that please?’

  ‘’Arold.’

  ‘I see. Do I know you Harold?’

  ‘’Ow the bloody ’ell should I know?’ the voice demanded.

  ‘Well you keep ringing my home so presumably you know me?’

  ‘Listen love, I don’t know who you are but this is a public payphone. I just happened to be walking by as it rang. I only answered it ’coz curiosity got the better of me.’