Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  Nicole glanced at Danny again. She was still with her friends, but the kids had made their way over to them. She wasn’t sure what was going on, but it definitely looked like chaos with a bunch of jumping bodies, tugging three adults. It was a little amusing to see Terri and Crow yanked around, too. They all laughed, and Terri lost some cookies in the struggle.

  “I think she needs it. She needs to know what happened. She’s happy to have you guys. You’re her family. She won’t give up on you so easily.”

  With a nod, Henry put his hand to his heart. “I have fear.”

  Nicole gave Danny another look and locked onto her bright grey eyes. “Don’t.” She strolled away, going to ‘save’ Danny from all the children.

  ***

  The party began to wind down, causing a pout to settle on Dane’s face. She was sad to see everyone go. Yes, she’d see them again soon. Many of them on Christmas day but she had such a good time with everyone. The last people there were her nephews and the Briarmoors. She felt like Henry and Lynn had stuck around for her, which was proved right as they beckoned her into the library while Nicole watched something on television with the kids.

  Dane swallowed as she tried to figure out where to stand in the library while Henry and Lynn stood by the door. They didn’t shut it, which helped Dane breathe easy. She leaned on the desk and folded her arms across her chest. But, that didn’t last more than a second. She shifted, looked around, and tried to figure out what to do with herself. She looked at Henry and Lynn and froze. Their eyes were locked on her.

  Dane felt her stomach flip a little and her heart quivered. “Uh, what’s up, guys?”

  “We wanted to talk to you a little,” Henry replied, wringing his hands together. This action didn’t help settle Dane.

  “About before.” Lynn tilted her head.

  “Before?” Dane arched an eyebrow and then it hit her. Way before. She held up her hands. Escape! Escape! “No, you don’t need to. I mean, I get it. You didn’t return me. It’s okay.” She hoped Christine showing up or Adam going off didn’t trigger their need to bring up the past. She didn’t want to talk about it. They were fine now, possibly family. She didn’t want to reopen old wounds and risk making them bleed and fester all over again. They had only just healed.

  “No, it’s not okay. We owe you more than ‘we didn’t return you.’ You’ve gone through so much,” Henry said.

  “But, I’m okay,” Dane replied. She was okay now, anyway, and now was what mattered to her. She had Nicole. She had good friends, a family. She had it better than lots of people. She had met those people, experienced it, and could appreciate what she had so deeply. There was no reason to go over the crap again.

  “You’re awesome. We wish we had more to do with it,” Henry said.

  Dane shook her head. “You did more than you had to. I wasn’t your kid.” That was fine. They didn’t owe her anything. I know that. I accept that. Her heart didn’t slow down, though.

  “No, but we looked at you as if you were ours,” Lynn replied. Henry wrapped his arms around Lynn and nodded.

  Dane tried to hold in a wince and failed. She might’ve looked at them as parents, but she never really bought that they saw her as a daughter. She was passed around too much for that to be true. They both frowned.

  “We didn’t have a great way of showing it. I could offer you tons of excuses, but you were one of those things in life where you don’t know how great it is until it’s gone,” Henry said.

  Dane wasn’t sure how she felt about that, but her stomach knotted up from the words to the point she feared she’d vomit. If this continued, she might crumble and blow away like sand in the wind. They took her for granted? They didn’t realize how much they wanted her until she was never coming back? They didn’t think they loved her until she was gone? Did she really want to know?

  “Isn’t it kinda late?” Dane wanted this torture to end before they revealed something that cut her deep and left her empty. She needed to be able to look them in their faces. She wanted them around for the rest of her life. They could pick up again tomorrow, go on like everything was fine. “I really want to move forward.”

  “We do, too. I think the most important thing for us is that you know we’re not going anywhere this time,” Lynn said, grabbing Dane’s hand with both of hers. She squeezed and looked at Dane with pleading eyes. “We’re not going to let you get hurt again.”

  “I trust you.” Well, she wanted to trust them. She was learning to trust them again. She knew it’d take time. “I’m not going anywhere either. If this is all because of Adam, you don’t have to worry about it. I don’t know what his problem is.”

  “This isn’t about Adam. This is about you knowing we’re here and you’re loved. You didn’t miss out on things in your childhood because we didn’t care,” Henry said.

  “Then why?” Dane blurted out and then slapped her hand over her mouth. “You don’t have to answer that.” I don’t wanna know. I don’t wanna know.

  “But, we want you to understand. We saw you as a daughter. All the birthdays, Christmases, and even Easters we missed weren’t because we didn’t care,” Lynn said.

  “Then why?” Dane asked again. At least she could get what made her disposable, even to decent people. She took a deep breath. Won’t let this crush me. I’m strong.

  “For a while, we didn’t know your birthday, but when we figured it out, we noticed a pattern. Every year, there was about a two-to-three-week period where we didn’t see you. It seemed random, in the middle of the summer,” Lynn replied.

  Henry’s hand flexed around Lynn. “It was like you vanished from the face of the Earth. We didn’t get any calls about you or anything. Not that they ever called us regardless of who had you.”

  Dane leaned on the desk and had to take another deep breath, which pained her ribs. Maybe this will crush me. She released the breath as she turned away from the Briarmoors and ran her shaking hand through her hair. They couldn’t be serious, but then again, she shouldn’t be surprised. That didn’t stop her whole chest from hurting. Were her ribs about to shred everything they were supposed to protect and leave her to collapse in on herself?

  “She would actually keep me away from you on my birthday?” Dane inquired, her voice shaking. Fuck you, Christine. Fuck you so hard.

  “I don’t know about keep. We had always hoped she was at least doing something with you, but when we asked, you always said you didn’t do anything for your birthday. We offered to throw you a party, but you didn’t want one so late after your birthday,” Henry replied.

  “You always said it was stupid.” Lynn sighed.

  Henry took a breath, his mouth trembling. “We tried once. You were four, I believe, and you freaked out so badly as soon as you realized what it was. You hid in the doghouse for the whole day, crying.”

  Lynn nodded and tears slid down her cheeks. “We thought we traumatized you. We listened every time you said no after that.”

  Dane swallowed, trying her best to keep from exploding. “What about other stuff? We never even had a Christmas.”

  Henry looked down and shook his head. “She kept you most holidays. We got you Christmas gifts, but you opened them sometime in January. It’s not the same thing and we could see it in your face. You knew you were missing out, but we tried. We tried.”

  Dane had to take another breath, but it did little to settle the turmoil rumbling through her body. Her stomach churned, her muscles jumped, and her lungs burned. The air felt hot, heavy, like it might destroy her, squash her like an insignificant bug under its unforgiving shoe. Her mother always managed to ruin something about her past. How low had that woman sunk back then? Who the hell robbed their child of a birthday celebration? Of Halloween and Easter egg hunts, and who the hell knew what else?

  “And why we didn’t go places?” Dane’s voice was low, broken. She was almost scared to find out this answer. Talking to Allison and Ben, she knew they went tons of places already. Museums, concerts,
amusement parks, food festivals, carnivals, and more. They had done countless activities, including hiking, going on bike trails, go-carting, and kite flying. Their parents weren’t shy about taking them out, so why hadn’t she gotten that treatment if they claimed they saw her as theirs?

  Lynn wiped away more tears and then wrung her hands together. “We did go places when you turned about three. We felt like you comprehended the world enough and you should get to explore. You loved the Children’s Science Museum. I think we went there about three times before you turned four.”

  “One day we took you out to the mall or something. Your mother was waiting when we got back. She looked like she had a panic attack mixed with a conniption fit. I think she was actually scared,” Henry said.

  “Scared of what?” Dane doubted her mother gave a damn.

  “Either scared we took you or scared something happened. Either way, she made us swear we’d ask her permission before we took you anywhere else. She never gave us a means of contacting her to do so,” Henry replied, shaking his head.

  Frowning, Dane stared at the floor for a long moment. “Then, you never took me anywhere else?”

  “Well, not never. Just much less frequently. It stopped after she threatened to call the police and have us arrested for kidnapping if we didn’t ask her to take you somewhere. Again, no means of contact, so we never could,” Lynn replied.

  “This is why I only had one Halloween?” Dane asked in a whisper. It had been such a cool Halloween, too. She had been three years old and mini-Mozart. It touched her soul that Lynn saw the music in her even at that age. There was infinite candy to her young mind. She remembered lots of ladies calling her cute, but most of all she remembered how Lynn smiled as she led Dane on her trick-or-treating adventure. Good thing I didn’t smoke that memory away.

  “Afraid so,” Lynn replied.

  Looking away, Dane had to walk the room for a second or she’d put her good hand through the wall. She felt like she was coming apart at the seams, and if one string was pulled, she’d be done for, never to be put back together again. Her mother had thrown her away and then purposely made sure she didn’t have a childhood. Added to that, she probably told Adam lies about Henry and Lynn. How could Christine badmouth these people? What the hell is wrong with her? Maybe her mother was worse than her father. At least Russell was honest about his feelings. What the hell was Christine beyond a filthy liar and a rotten fraud?

  “Do you have pictures of us doing stuff?” Dane asked, sounding like she was out of breath. It felt like she was on the verge of passing out.

  Henry arched an eyebrow, but he looked confused. “For proof?”

  “No, for me. I have one goddamn baby picture.” Dane pressed her hands to her chest. “I have no idea what I looked like as a kid beyond my own memory and that’s not the most reliable witness. I’d love to see.” She wanted to see the few times she was happy and loved. She wanted to see the few times in her youth when she wasn’t a thing to be abused.

  “Yes, we have plenty of pictures. Next time you come to the house, we’ll look through photo albums,” Lynn replied with a smile.

  Dane’s nerves calmed, but she had to take several deep breaths before she could breathe at a normal rate. She managed to smile back. “Okay.”

  “Okay?” the couple echoed.

  “Yeah, okay. Guys, we’re cool.” Dane drew in another deep breath and ran her hand through her hair. They wanted her, they saw her as family, and they’d probably remain with her. This was a good talk. So, yeah, heart, you can slow down any second now. She felt like she walked through fire and had come out stronger.

  “You don’t look okay,” Henry said.

  Shaking her head, Dane could only imagine what she looked like. On the inside, she was jumbled, despite the fact the conversation was okay. She sighed and leaned against the desk again. She still felt like she might throw up or laugh hysterically. People laugh at times like this, right? I’m not just being crazy, right?

  “It’s not you. It’s Christine. She talks all this crap about starting over and pretends that she cares about me in some way, but never tells me the many and various ways she screwed me over growing up. All the way up until this very moment, I just thought you guys didn’t care when I was a kid. I didn’t have a problem with it because I’m not your kid, but this is…” Dane let out a breath and threw her hands up.

  “Of course, we care!” Henry stepped forward, pulling Lynn with him.

  “We didn’t tell you this to mess up your relationship with your mother,” Lynn insisted.

  Dane looked at them. “Oh, no, I know. Believe me, I know.” They weren’t those types of people. And there might not be a relationship with Christine to mess up now. “It’s just that, there’s all this stuff she didn’t tell me and then she acts like we can have a real relationship.” Dane shook her head. Christine was beyond full of shit. “Look, guys, we’re cool. I think…I think I need to talk to Christine, though.” Or maybe she needed to punch Christine. She’d find out when the woman was right in front of her.

  “Are you sure?” Henry asked with worry lines still underneath his eyes. He reached out and rubbed her shoulder. Under his hand, her body relaxed and settled. Cracks inside of her healed.

  Dane nodded. “Yeah. I think more than anything, I need to know why she did this crap. I mean, you took me off her hands, she didn’t have to worry about me anymore, and yet.” She could only make wild, meaningless hand gestures. Why had her mother stood in the way of her having a childhood, stood in the way of her happiness, stood in the way of her mattering to someone? If her mother cared about her even a little bit, she’d have left Dane with the Briarmoors and never looked back.

  They nodded, but still appeared troubled. “Just know, we wanted to do things with you,” Lynn said with tears still sliding from her eyes.

  Dane nodded again and managed to make a controlled exit from the library. She was overwhelmed, and she wasn’t even sure why. Was it the knowledge the people she saw as parents saw her as a daughter or the fact that her biological mother seemed to get off on ruining her life? Maybe both. It was all too much.

  Henry and Lynn were right behind her, announcing it was time to go. This was good. They probably all needed time to process this. Allison and Ben hugged Nicole and Dane as well as bid Luke and Thomas goodbye. With the Briarmoors gone, Nicole and Dane were left waiting for Christine to come get the boys. They sat on the couch, still watching cartoons. Dane had no idea what it was about, but that was mostly due to not paying attention. She pondered confronting her mother as soon as she showed up.

  Christine had a lot of nerve. What type of person ruined someone’s life—her daughter no less—and then tried to act like it was all forgive and forget? Dane thought of every bad moment, muscles jumping as she recalled each agony while her so-called mother looked the other way. She wanted to tear Christine apart with her bare hands.

  In the end, she decided ’tis the season to be jolly. It was such a good party, she didn’t want to ruin it for Nicole or the boys by arguing with Christine. When her mother showed up, Dane helped put Luke and Thomas into their coats and got them out the door in a timely fashion. She’d call Christine tomorrow. For the moment, she wished her a Merry Christmas and sighed as soon as the door was closed.

  “Honey, are you okay?” Nicole asked as soon as the door was locked.

  Dane rubbed her eyes, drained of every drop of energy. “I will be. Let’s clean up and go to bed.”

  Nicole took her hand. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

  Dane sighed. She should tell Nicole. They didn’t keep things from each other, and she shouldn’t try to protect Nicole from her crappy past anymore.

  “I just found out Christine is the reason I didn’t have a childhood and not in the way you think,” Dane said. Nicole squinted and shook her head. “I’ll tell you after we clean all of this up.” She moved to clear the clutter of the party away.

  ***

  Nicole’s ch
est was tight. She was nervous to find out what happened between Danny and the Briarmoors. She had encouraged them to talk, thinking it’d be good for all involved. But, what if she was wrong? She had been wrong about so much with Danny, especially when it came to family. What if she had done something to get Danny hurt yet again? What time will be the last time? I’m so tired of hurting her and of her hurting.

  Doing her best to hide her anxiety, Nicole moved around with Danny to clean up. They talked about what a success the party was. Danny wanted to try something similar when the weather got better.

  “I’d really like us to have a barbecue,” Danny said, glancing at the patio doors that led to the backyard.

  “I think we can arrange that. The backyard is big enough,” Nicole replied. It’d be fun.

  Danny smiled. “Then, birthday barbecue?”

  Nicole grinned back. “I think that can be arranged if that’s what you really want for your birthday.”

  “Well, if we did it for your birthday, we’d all freeze to death,” Danny said, earning a laugh from Nicole.

  It was good Danny was thinking of the future, planning events and such. It helped settle Nicole’s nerves a bit. She was able to focus and breathe easier when they settled in for bed. She didn’t press Danny for what happened. They were side by side, staring at shadows the ceiling. The air was still, even though the wind outside whistled. It took Danny a couple of minutes, but she jumped into things on her own.

  “Henry and Lynn talked to me about why my childhood was so shitty,” Danny said, finger drawing light, odd patterns on Nicole’s abdomen.

  “What did they say?” Nicole asked. The gentle drawing on her skin helped soothe her, like a lullaby, but her heart raced over what could have happened.

  Danny sighed. “Christine.”

  Nicole turned onto her side, staring at Danny, and wiggled close enough to be pressed against Danny. Danny’s eyes remained on the ceiling, but there were lines etched in her face, shadows dancing across her features, aging her for the moment. “What do you mean?”