Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  That left Nicole to stew on what Danny snapped about, what might cost her everything that brought her joy. Yes, she was never home, but school wasn’t going to be forever and Danny wanted her to graduate. Danny pushed her to do this, to see school all the way through. That was probably huffed out of frustration and a useful comeback when she got on Danny about the dishes.

  Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything about the dishes. It was nice that Danny cleaned the refrigerator. The fridge needed it. But, why do a half-assed job? Danny never did that. She was also a little annoyed over how anxious Haydn had been to go outside. Sure, maybe he hadn’t gone out when Danny opened the door, but he begged by the time she came in. Surely, he had begged Danny before.

  It was like texting Samiyah had been more important than Haydn and that wasn’t like Danny. Nicole had to wonder if working in music again, trying to find her place in the world, was something even more traumatizing to Danny. She feared she pushed Danny to do the wrong thing again, like when she threw Danny to the Wolfes. Have I always been this much of a fuck up? It didn’t feel true, until now anyway.

  Maybe I am the reason my relationships fail. It’s not them. It’s me. Nicole hadn’t been able to see it before and no one close to her wanted to tell her the truth. It wouldn’t be the first time. Maybe she never did anything right. Maybe that was why Lillian hated her. Maybe that was why Danny had to do everything.

  Nicole’s thoughts had wandered, but came back to the proper train of thought. Had she left everything to Danny before? She wanted them to work on being balanced. It was all she wanted. Danny had always insisted on doing more than she needed, but maybe it was because she didn’t want Nicole to mess things up.

  I can see why she doesn’t want me. The idea was like a hot knife through her. She wasn’t sure how she’d survive without Danny. She wasn’t sure she wanted to survive without Danny. I can do better for her. Nicole decided right then and there, she’d stop using school as an excuse. She’d get home, be there for Danny, and make sure she did the right thing for their family, if it meant they could stay together. If schoolwork suffered, then ah well. My family is the most important thing, always. Unfortunately, she wasn’t sure if she still had a family.

  They pulled up to the theater. What if this is it? What if Danny got out of the car and never came back? After all, nuclear war vaporized things too close to the blast, like love, affection. Wiped away all traces and made sterner stuff vanish into thin air.

  Nicole gripped the steering wheel and stared ahead. It felt like the only way to keep from flying apart. The world had come to an end and she needed words to acknowledge it. After all, one couldn’t look the apocalypse in the face and not say anything.

  “Have a good day. Bye, baby,” Nicole said, her voice low, a little uncomfortable. It wasn’t the best thing to say during Armageddon, but it seemed appropriate. This could be her last goodbye and she couldn’t handle it, but she didn’t want to break down. How pathetic would it look to turn into a sobbing mess right in front of Danny’s job? She didn’t need to do anything else that might reflect poorly on Danny.

  Danny leaned over and gave Nicole a little kiss right at the corner of her mouth. Her heart skipped a beat, but as she returned the kiss, Danny pulled away, like she hadn’t expected it. She caressed Danny’s cheek and got her to pause long enough to kiss her back. Her eyes stung with hot tears. Was that a goodbye kiss? She couldn’t ask.

  “You have a good day, too. Goodbye, angel,” Danny said and she exited the car.

  For a moment, Danny stood there in the cold morning air. She looked in the car, like she wanted to say something. But, in the end, she entered the theater. For several seconds, Nicole stared at the door, unable to move. She wasn’t sure how she got to work. She couldn’t even remember driving off.

  Nicole went to her office and stared at her desk for a while. She didn’t turn on her computer or take anything out. She barely recognized where she was. The world didn’t exist anymore.

  She needed to take time to let her body unravel all the unease from the morning. She and Danny had moved around the house woodenly, like they didn’t want to shatter the other. They didn’t hover around each other, even when they had breakfast. Poor Haydn put himself in the music room by the time they left, and they merely pushed the gate shut.

  “I should tell Jody to give him a little extra exercise or something,” Nicole muttered. Haydn needed something to help ease his mind. The call should help distract her a little, too.

  “I’ll take Haydn outside some. I could pretend to jog or something.” Jody snickered. They both knew Jody wouldn’t even feign jogging.

  “Thank you.”

  Jody snorted. “No problem. He’s all over me anyway. Maybe he knows you’re on the phone. Let’s do a video chat and he can talk to you.”

  Nicole laughed, but she indulged Jody, if only to keep her mind off things. They hung up and Jody called her back. Haydn showed up on her phone screen.

  “Hey there, big man,” Nicole cooed. Haydn barked and whined.

  “Sounds like he misses you, Mom,” Jody laughed.

  Though her cousin was teasing, the words shot Nicole in the heart. “I’m sorry I’m not around more, Haydn, but that doesn’t mean you stop being my little guy…not that you’re a little guy anymore. You’re so big now. You be good for Jody. She’s practically your foster mom.”

  Jody scoffed. “Please. I feel like he pushes me out of the door when you guys show up. He loves you.”

  “Well, we love him, and I love you, Jody.”

  Jody grinned. “Yeah, yeah, yeah. You’re trying to butter me up. I’m already here and watching this dude, you know?”

  “I know, but I appreciate what you do.” I appreciate Danny, too, but I guess I’m not good at showing it.

  “You think I don’t know that? Go ahead and work, Nikki. I’ve got your pup.”

  “Thank you.”

  Jody disconnected the call. Taking a deep breath, Nicole tried to focus on her work. A knock on her door interrupted her. Not bothering to glance up, she was about to dismiss whoever it was. She didn’t have time to waste on the firm’s usual idiots.

  “Nikki, do you have a moment?” her mother asked as she shut the door behind her.

  Nicole looked up and blinked. She felt like her eyes played tricks on her. Her mother almost never came to her office. If her mother needed something that required more than a phone call, she was summoned to her mother’s office. If it had nothing to do with work, then it waited until after hours and her mother summoned her home.

  “Yes, Mommy. Is something wrong?” Nicole asked, her heart in her stomach. Oh, god, what if something happened to Daddy? It really was the end of the world.

  Her mother smiled, which quickly eased Nicole’s nerves. Okay, she had jumped too high on the ‘what could be wrong’ meter. That was good. She wouldn’t be able to deal with anything else wrong. She wasn’t sure how she was still sane.

  “There’s nothing wrong. I know you’re coming close to graduating,” her mother said, easing into the left chair in front of Nicole’s desk. Her eyes appeared a little wet, like she was trying to hold back tears.

  “Yes. Two more months, actually,” Nicole replied. Well, if she and Lisa could get their act together on their project. They were doing fine on the professor’s weekly checks in lab, but if things didn’t work at the end of the semester, then that was it.

  “Do you know what you’re going to do after?” her mother inquired with an intense stare, like she was trying to keep Nicole pinned in her chair.

  Nicole squirmed in her seat, feeling nine years old again, and scared to move. She licked her lips and her forehead furrowed. She managed to keep back a frown. Please, Mommy, let me walk my own path. “Is this about continuing to work here?” She didn’t have it in her to argue over things right now.

  A small, sorrowful smile settled on her mother’s face as she shook her head. “No. I just want to make sure you have a plan.”


  Oh, she’s worried about me, as always. Nicole smiled. “Mommy, haven’t you taught me to always have a plan?” She hadn’t decided on what she might do, but she had plans.

  “Then, you’ll look for work in your field while continuing to work here?”

  “That’s one plan.”

  Her mother cocked an eyebrow. “There are others?”

  “Yes, I have others. I have to do what’s best for my family, after all.” She had considered many things before Danny had a job, but never settled on a solid plan. Now that Danny had a job, she needed to think. Of course, if she and Danny were over, she wasn’t sure what she might do. She wouldn’t be in a good space to make any life changing decisions.

  “You’ve discussed these plans with Danny?”

  Nicole blinked as she realized something new. “Not recently.” Well, damn. I have been fucking this up for a while now. No wonder Danny's sick of me.

  Her mother laughed at her. Nicole wasn’t in the mood to be mocked, especially after last night, so she glared. The expression sobered her mother up a little bit.

  “Calm down, Nikki. I’m not laughing at you in a malicious way. It’s just watching you and Danny in this relationship. It’s actually cute.”

  Nicole’s mouth dropped open. Yes, her mother no longer completely hated Danny after Danny stood up for her and punched out her backstabbing cousin Lil, but her mother never showed this sort of approval.

  “Mommy, are you okay?”

  Her mother smiled, tapping her finger to her chin as if considering her words. “I’m fine. It has taken me a long time to realize and accept that you’ve evolved.”

  “I’ve evolved? Don’t you mean I’ve grown up?” Great, her mother finally accepted and respected she was an adult in a loving relationship and that was all gone.

  Her mother shook her head. “No, this is evolution. You have a fight in you. I’ve known that all your life, but the fight has expanded. You’ve gone from fighting to win games and defending teammates to fighting for yourself and defending your dreams. Just because you grow up doesn’t mean you’ll fight for yourself or go after your dreams. Adults often play it safe due to responsibilities or comfort. You’ve gone out on a limb you wouldn’t have gone on until now, until Danny.”

  “And this makes you proud?” Nicole arched an eyebrow. That didn’t sound like her mother. After all, her mother hated Danny back when she thought Danny talked Nicole into returning to school. If her mother spoke the truth, she was about to be a huge disappointment because she lost the fight.

  Her mother leaned forward, eyes sharp like she didn’t want to miss it if Nicole did something. “It has taken a lot of talks with your father to get me to this point, but I need you to know I’ve always been proud of you. You’ve always been the best daughter I could’ve asked for and I never want you to doubt it.”

  Nicole’s heart thumped in her chest. “Mommy.” Her voice cracked on the simple word, broken up by so much inside of her, a swirling monsoon of emotion, dense and deep, warring with each other for who would control her reaction.

  The concern was back in her mother’s eyes. “Have you…have you doubted that?” Her mother swallowed and the sound seemed to echo throughout the room.

  Nicole glanced away for a moment and then shook her head. She took a breath, needing to calm down. She had never truly felt like a disappointment in her life until now. Danny was fed up with her at the same time her mother had finally come around to her life choices. What would happen when her mother found out she had ruined it all? The wave of disappointment would never end, and her mother would never trust her to do anything on her own again.

  “No, I’ve never doubted. I think I’ve always been scared I didn’t measure up.” It was a fear she carried with her all the time, she realized. Not just with her mother or father, but all her relationships. She always feared she wasn’t enough, which factored into her always doing so much in relationships. Of course, there were other factors, like she was a fixer and was used to doing her best to prop up teammates, but there was the terror, too. Wow, I’ve got quite a few problems, for myself and others.

  Her mother laughed again. “I think it’s human to have this fear. There are times I fear I didn’t measure up to be your mother or Raymond’s wife. Hell, even my parents’ child or my sisters’ sibling. It happens. Of course, there are also times when you think you’re the best in the world.”

  Nicole nodded. That was true. Okay, maybe I don’t have as many problems as I think I do. I just must accept I’m human. Humans made mistakes. Humans weren’t perfect. She wasn’t perfect, despite being told she was often in life. Would Danny accept that, though?

  “Mommy, I know we’re at work and we usually don’t discuss nonbusiness related things here, but can I ask you a question?” Nicole rubbed sweaty palms on her thighs out of view. Her mother might say she was proud of her, but what if in detail it turned out the reason was for something simple? What if she was proud of Nicole just because she was her daughter? What if Nicole hadn’t really done anything to deserve it? What if Danny was right about Nicole ruining everything?

  Her mother eyes twinkled. Nicole hadn’t seen this expression in years. “Well, one, we’ve already been discussing nonbusiness related things. Ask me whatever you want. We both know there’s a good chance you won’t like the answer, though.”

  “Do you think I’m doing all right? I mean, I’m thirty. I might change careers. My girlfriend’s trying to get a new career. We’re trying to figure out how to work out both of us suddenly being busy, and it never seems like we’re on the same page. Is this normal?”

  “Of course, it’s normal. People change careers at my age. Like you said, you want to do what’s best for your family. I think Danny wants the same. You just must figure out what the best is. This is about the time when I’d give you the advice to talk to her.”

  Nicole was almost about to say they had talked, but arguing wasn’t talking. “That is sound advice. I should’ve figured that out.”

  Her mother gave her a soft smile. “I get the feeling you’re looking for more than that.”

  “Danny and I…things are rough. We keep fighting over things. Things that I thought were done with the first time we talk about them. And I feel like I’m not learning lessons I should.”

  “Relationships take time. They change as we change, and you’re both going through big changes in life. You’re not going to give up because something gets hard. That’s not who you are, and Danny isn’t going to give up when things get hard either. I’ve seen her stand with you through tough situations, Nikki. She’ll be there for you.”

  Is Mommy right? Will Danny be there for me after saying I ruined her life? Part of her felt like that was true, but a bigger part of her remembered last night, remembered harsh words and even harsher truths. No, Danny had not said it was over, but that was basically the only thing she didn’t say.

  “She’s not going to give up on you, Nikki,” her mother stated as if it was a fact, like the sun would rise in the morning and Danny wouldn’t give up on Nicole were on the same level. It made one of the billion cracks in her heart heal, but the rest remained fresh, open, and agonizing.

  “You really think so?”

  A smirk settled on her mother’s face. “Sometimes, we need people to state the obvious. I do it for your father all the time. To this day, I still don’t understand what the man thought he’d do with that physical education degree if he didn’t want to teach gym.”

  Nicole chuckled and shook her head. “I don’t think any of us will ever know that.” She gave her mother a genuine, delighted smile. “Thanks, Mommy. I appreciate it.” If nothing else, at least her relationship with her mother was stronger.

  “I know I’ve been against Danny, but she’s good for you. I’ve never seen anyone stand up for you the way she does and I finally understand that she’s even standing up for you when she doesn’t say anything to me. She could’ve easily come between us, but hasn’t.”

&nbs
p; “I’m glad your view of her has changed. You’ve evolved, too.”

  “Well, I have to keep up with you. Besides, life seems to be enjoying proving me wrong about you. It would be foolish of me to keep fighting it. I didn’t fight it because I thought you were wrong.”

  Nicole waved it off. “Mommy, I know.”

  Her mother nodded. “That’s good. How’s Danny’s job going?”

  Sighing, Nicole rubbed her forehead. “She’s stressed, but I’ve heard some of the music she’s made and it’s beautiful. She’s really good at what she does, Mommy.” She sat up a little taller, feeling quite proud of her lover. Regardless of what happened to them, she’d always be proud of Danny.

  “Do you think she’ll get another job like this?”

  “I sincerely hope so.” Despite their troubles right now, she hoped to everything in the universe, Danny got to create a score or work on a play again. Or at least Danny would get to do something she loved, because who knew if Danny loved this job or just suffered through it because Nicole forced her to or because she thought it made her better.

  Her mother nodded. “Maybe she can take care of you.”

  Nicole shook her head. Her mother and Danny had that one thing in common. “Mommy, that’s what she’s been doing since the day I met her. Her support has always been beyond belief, and she’s always trying to lift me up. I hope you’ll see it now that you’re open to her.”

  Her mother nodded again, and for the first time, Nicole truly believed her mother would eventually understand what Danny did for her. Maybe not now or tomorrow or even sometime in the near future, but eventually, her mother would get there. Of course, it might be too late by then. If not, Danny would be able to sit down and have a conversation with her mother without someone needing to be a buffer. They’d share laughs and funny stories, probably embarrassing ones about Nicole. Nicole wouldn’t even care as long as Danny was there.