Learning to Walk Again

by S. L. Kassidy

  Terri rolled her eyes. “Okay, did Christine force him to give you the job?”

  “Not to my knowledge.”

  “Then that bastard believed in you, you hear me?” Terri looked her dead in the eye.

  Dane took a deep breath and nodded. Calvin had been touched by her music and hired her right there. He had to have other, more experienced people in mind, considering he produced plays as a living, but he gave the job to her. Nicole pushed her to go for the gig. Hell, even her mother put in a good word. These people trusted her, believed in her music, believed in her. Things needed to be perfect for them.

  “You guys want to hear?” Dane suddenly asked. That was what was missing. She used to play her music for regular people. She got their opinions and knew if she hit her mark as she watched them experience her sound. Her music was supposed to connect her to the masses, not those already involved in sound.

  Crow preened. “You know I do!”

  Terri nodded before taking another large bite out of her sandwich. Dane fished out her phone and started the song. Crow gave her an odd look. Dane sighed, her shoulders slumping.

  “Samiyah showed me how to do it,” Dane said.

  Shaking her head, Crow wagged a scolding finger at her. “You need to ask Nicole how to do these things. I bet she’d have a ball teaching you how to work a smartphone.”

  Dane had no doubt about that. She also had no doubt she owed Nicole an apology. It might not solve everything, but it’d definitely help. Hopefully, Nick will be willing to hear me out and maybe we can work something out. There had to be more to relationships than arguing over who’d do the dishes. It would explain why it felt like a piece of her was missing. She had ignored as best she could, but there was a hole in her. A Nicole-shaped hole. Fuck.

  ***

  Nicole was at the library, not for her project, but to avoid Danny more than before. She wasn’t ready to face her yet. Or worse, not face her. She couldn’t imagine going home to find it empty, because if Danny left she’d certainly take Haydn with her. The house would be empty in every sense of the word, and it would be her fault. She wouldn’t even be able to pretend otherwise.

  “Nicole, you okay?” Dwayne asked as he stepped over to her.

  Nicole blinked, even though she shouldn’t be shocked by his presence at that point. “Yes, why do you ask?”

  “You’ve been staring at that book since I spotted you, like thirty seconds of staring.”

  Nicole shook her head. “Have I?” She wasn’t even aware she had a book in front of her.

  He put down a stack of books and eased into the chair next to her. “Still having trouble with the project?” He scratched his cheek, probably aware of the lines under his eyes.

  Sighing, she shook her head again. “No, avoiding.”

  “Avoiding what?” he asked with puppy eyes.

  Nicole didn’t want to tell him. It wasn’t his business, but it wasn’t like she could talk about this with Mina and Clara. She didn’t want them to know the nuclear war had happened and it was her fault. She didn’t want them to know she had ruined the best thing to happen to her. She didn’t want them to know Danny had gutted her and left her wounded, bleeding on the side of the street like road kill, like she was disposable.

  “I don’t want to go home because I had an argument with my girlfriend last night,” Nicole admitted. Ex-girlfriend, possibly.

  He blinked hard. “Girlfriend?”

  She grinned. “Yes, I have a girlfriend. That a problem?”

  He laughed and held up his hands in surrender. “Of course not. Just caught me by surprise. Okay, you had an argument. Avoiding it isn’t going to help. You don’t strike me as the type to avoid.”

  She pursed her lips and tilted her head. “I don’t strike you as the type?” What did he know about her? He only saw her in class and interacted with her at the library.

  He threw his head to the side. “Oh, please. You and Lisa don’t know when to say die. Most people would’ve changed their project, done something easy, but you two are pushing through, doing whatever the hell you can do because you’re dead set on this project. I figured you’re always this stubborn.” He gave her a smirk.

  She chuckled and smirked back. “I’m not stubborn at all.” If only that was the case. She’d have stopped trying to get Danny to know her family or taking Danny camping or bothering Danny about chores. Her nature cost her the best thing in her life. The price was too high.

  “Yeah, right. How long have you and your girlfriend been together?”

  “Nearly two years.” Two years of pain and suffering for Danny.

  He nodded. “Cool. Think you’ll be together for two more?”

  “I envisioned us together for more than the next twenty.” It hurt to breathe. They probably didn’t have twenty seconds left. The cracks in her heart bled, decimating her soul.

  His smirk was now a half-smile. “Then you’ll have to go home eventually and face her. You might as well get it out of the way. The sooner you do that, the sooner you make up, and you can get started on that twenty-year thing.”

  Nicole sighed. “You’re a pain in the ass, you know that, right?” It wasn’t so much that she believed they’d make up. Time wouldn’t stop for her. The future would come and her air would remain noxious. Might as well get it out of the way.

  He grinned and puffed out his chest. “My mom tells me all the time.”

  She chuckled, even though it eviscerated her to pretend she was fine, to pretend he helped. Nothing would help, but she wouldn’t tell him that. “I really like how comfortable you are with yourself.”

  “I like what I do and do what I like. Now, get going.”

  Nicole didn’t argue. It was time to get things out of the way.

  Chapter Seventeen

  DANE SHOT UP FROM the couch like Haydn at the sound of keys in the front door. They both rushed to the front, wanting to greet Nicole. She grabbed Nicole into a hug before Nicole was even fully through the door, before Dane even got a good look at her. Haydn pushed up against them and knocked them into the door, closing it. Nicole grunted and tensed in her arms. Haydn moved around them, but Dane ignored him.

  “Hey, baby,” Nicole said, but her voice was small and broken.

  Dane looked down to see Nicole’s face was drawn, ashen. I broke her. Out of all the people Nicole had been with, Dane couldn’t believe she was the one who broke Nicole. What did that make her? The monster Nicole tried to convince her she wasn’t. Dane’s throat tightened, and she sniffled.

  “I’m sorry, angel. I’m so sorry.” Dane couldn’t stop the tears.

  “It’s not your fault. It’s mine. It’s all me,” Nicole said.

  The words tore a sob from Dane. She stepped away, staring down at Nicole. “No! Damn it, Chem, do not say that.”

  “Baby.” Nicole wiped some tears from Dane’s cheeks and tears poured from her eyes, flowing down sallow cheeks.

  “Don’t talk, just listen. I’ve been here all night, missing the hell out of you. I don’t know what was wrong with me last night. You could never ruin my life. You gave me my life. Yes, I’ve been scared. Not just of music, but the idea of life without you. Hell, the idea of life with you. This whole thing is scary and frustrating and I didn’t know!” Dane wanted to rip her hair out. How could she know? She never felt this way before, never had something so precious. “Please, don’t leave me.”

  Nicole blinked. “Leave you? I thought you were leaving me. I do nothing but hurt you.”

  Dane cupped Nicole’s face and brushed her hair to the side with one hand. “No, no, no. Never think that. I’ve been stupid. You’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I just forgot. I’ve been stressed, like you said. You’re not at fault for what happened to my guitar. I just said that because I was pissed over what you said. I was also pissed about the dishes, obviously.”

  Green eyes stared at Dane like she had no idea what Dane meant. It was like Nicole couldn’t process it. Dane searched her mind for
a better way to put it, a way to make sure Nicole didn’t slip through her fingers.

  “I’m sorry about the dishes. I’m happy you took the initiative to clean the fridge or we would be growing experiments in there at this point. I’m just exhausted and frustrated over a lot of things,” Nicole said.

  Dane laughed through her tears. She couldn’t believe the absurdity of this. They were both bawling and wiping each other’s tears, like they were both at fault somehow. Maybe they were. It took real teamwork to throw a game the way they had. “I was tired and frustrated, too, which is why I attacked you as harshly as I did. And, I don’t blame you for not being home.”

  Nicole inhaled deeply through her nose. “I’m going to make more of an effort to be here.”

  Dane frowned. “No, I want you to focus on schoolwork, angel. I want you to graduate and get the job of your dreams. I meant it when I first pushed for it, and I still mean it.”

  Nicole squinted. “Are you sure?”

  “Of course, I’m sure. I want to see you walk across that stage and smile so big when you get that diploma.” She stroked Nicole’s hair again. “Angel, I want you to soar, just like you want for me. And, you were right.”

  An auburn eyebrow ticked up. “About what?”

  Dane sighed. “Maybe we should have a seat?”

  Nicole nodded and allowed Dane to lead her to the sofa. Haydn followed and made himself comfortable across their legs. Dane shifted, getting him off her knee. He refused to move beyond that.

  Nicole petted Haydn’s head. “I guess he misses his parents.”

  Dane nodded. “Makes sense. I miss his mom a lot. Not just tonight, but in general.”

  Nicole held her hand and clutched it tight. “I miss his mom, too. Maybe you didn’t mean to say I ruined your life, but isn’t it true?”

  Dane gasped and looked at Nicole. “No, it’s not true. It was said out of anger, out of stupidity, and out of frustration. You’re the best thing ever. My angel. You took me out of the darkness and showed me the light. Nothing will ever change that. It’s huge, and I feel like I will never be able to return that feeling to you, which is why I will run myself into the ground and do everything in my power to do everything for you.”

  Nicole shook her head. “I don’t want that. Just like you don't want me to treat you like a child, I don’t want you to do the same. I want us to be equal, but maybe I’ve just been scolding you about things, reprimanding you instead of truly treating you as an equal.”

  “You’re tired and stressed just like I am. Any little thing can set a person off like that. I think we just need a moment to really regroup. I mean, my orchestra has been crazy, but we took a moment to sit down and just be. I bought everybody subs and donuts and we just chilled for a second. Sat together, ate, talked about our lives. It was enough to take the pressure off, to forget opening night was coming, and maybe we need that.”

  “We’ve been avoiding it.”

  Dane nodded and leaned her forehead against Nicole’s. “But, it’s like you said, we’ll get through this.”

  Nicole’s smile was watery, eyes still glistening. “I’m glad you think so, too.”

  “I will be honest, I had a lot of stupid thoughts throughout the day. I had the nerve to think I was right. I had the nerve to think you’re the reason for everything and my life would be better without you, but that’s seriously the dumbest shit I’ve ever thought. You get me through life. You’re the reason I have the audacity to think I can make it without you.”

  “You would be able to do it.”

  “But, I don’t want to. This has been part of my fear. You’re always being this super, magnificent person. I want to be like that with you, but just like with the score, I get scared about not living up the standard. I’ve lost confidence. And I think it went with this.” Dane held up her left hand.

  “Well, you’re not the only one who was scared.” Nicole patted Dane’s hand. “Being scared is part of being human.”

  That’s true. Dane hadn’t even thought of that. But, then again, she never really had to acknowledge being scared.

  “I don’t know if I’m actually scared or nervous or traumatized over my music, but your theory was as good as any. I’ve been concerned over not being good enough. My introduction to music was through playing and I can’t play like I used to. It’s a little unsettling.” It was more troubling the more Dane thought about it, but from now on, she’d remind herself that she was more than her instrument. So much more. She was more than a job. She was more than a housewife. She was a person who wanted to be loved and wanted to love. She could do that with Nicole.

  Nicole nodded. “I know, but you have to grow, evolve. You’ve been doing it.”

  “I know, but…what if I can’t?” Dane glanced away for a moment, swallowing with the hope it’d help get the hard lump out of her throat and get her insides to untie themselves. “I mean, what if I was only ever good because I could play while I wrote?”

  Nicole chuckled, and it was wonderful to see the light in her emerald eyes. “You can still play while you write. I think part of it is that you’re still in mourning, and you have every right to be upset over what happened to your guitar, over what happened to your hand.”

  Dane shook her head. “No, I should get over it. First, I don’t have the right to blame you. My hand’s improving and I made up with Christine a bit. I can face her. I don’t need to hold onto that sentiment anymore.” She needed to go into that music room and pick up that brand-new guitar. She needed to let go and move on. She was evolving, after all. She needed to shed bits of herself she didn’t need anymore.

  “If that’s what you feel is right, then do that.”

  Dane stared into Nicole’s eyes. “I meant it when I said I was sorry for accusing you of being the reason my guitar got broken in the first place, for saying you ruined my life. That wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know. I’m still sorry. I shouldn’t have put you in that position. I put you into bad situations.”

  Dane scoffed. “You’re kidding, right? You wanted me to meet your family. I’m still happy you wanted that, wanted to share that with me, even though it didn’t go as planned. You want to be close with me, Chem, and you want me to be happy. I know you always think you screw up, but that’s not true. My screaming at you didn’t help, I know, but I didn’t mean it. I was just upset.”

  “Your family…” Nicole shook her head, probably not wanting to remember that episode of their lives.

  “Yeah, they’re assholes, but we get to see my nephews. That wouldn’t have happened without you pushing me and something might’ve finally gotten through with Christine. Life happens, Nick.”

  “And your job?”

  Dane’s face scrunched up. “What about my job?”

  Nicole swallowed and squinted, eyes searching Dane’s face. “I didn’t push you to do something you hate, right?”

  Dane reeled for a second. “Are you seriously worried about that? I don’t hate the gig, Nick, not at all. It’s stressful and I know I make it sound like it’s horrible, but you’re trying to help me get back to being me. You’re the one who picked up I wasn’t fulfilled without music in some grander fashion and you were right. Just like you’re right about me being scared and just like you’re right that I’m mourning my guitar. Hell, I’m mourning my career, but you didn’t force me into something I hate. Work can be two opposite feelings at one time.” She shrugged, hoping that made sense.

  Nicole sighed enough for her shoulders to slump. “Yes, I suppose.”

  Dane pulled Nicole closer. “It’s part of life, right? And, like I said, life happens.”

  “A life together?”

  “Of course.”

  Nicole eased back. She ran her hand through Dane’s hair. “But, what kind of life together?”

  Dane tilted her head, feeling a little unprepared for the conversation. “What do you mean?”

  “Well, your show is about to be out and depending on how long it runs
, you’ll then have to decide if you want to pursue this career and I’m about to graduate.”

  Dane nodded. “True. I’ve worried too much over getting another gig after this that I actually haven’t thought about if I want one.”

  “Do you?”

  Hell, yeah! Dane didn’t say that because she didn’t want to startle Nicole. It was the first thing that jumped into her mind, though. Creating a score was quite the experience.

  “I do,” Dane managed in a controlled voice. “I don’t hate it and I believe, under the right circumstances, I could grow to love it. Maybe not like on stage, but in a different, more wholesome way. Do you want to leave the firm when you graduate?”

  Nicole breathed out of her nose and glanced around. “I’ve got options.”

  “That’s not what I asked.” Dane wasn’t surprised Nicole had some reservations about leaving the firm. It was her parents’ second child, and Nicole enjoyed being a part of their dream. The only problem was that Nicole had her own dreams. She didn’t seem to know how to combine the two or work out which she was willing to chase full time.

  “A client offered me a job at her lab as soon as I’m done with my degree. She said she didn’t want to risk losing a brilliant mind to one of her competitors.”

  Dane grinned. “Okay. I remember that. Great, right?”

  “Except I didn’t tell you that my heart kind of sank when she made the offer. I can take the job. It would probably be phenomenal, but part of me doesn’t want to leave my parents or my friends. Unfortunately, I’m still not happy practicing corporate law and I don’t think I ever will be.”

  Dane leaned over and kissed Nicole’s chin. “I’m sorry. What do you want to do?” Nicole didn’t pull away or tense up. Dane danced on the inside.

  “Well, there are options. I could stay at the job and then look for part time work in a lab. I could work at a lab and keep only the clients I like for law, just make sure it’s not a heavy work load. I could work at the lab and leave Mina with a bunch of clients, as she’s the only lawyer I’d ever have replace me. I haven’t made a decision. I want to weigh in what’s best for our family. I don’t want to leave Haydn alone all day. I just don’t think he’d get used to it, not after the way we spoiled him. I don’t want to be out late anymore.” Nicole’s shoulders slumped again.