At the moment I only come to the mind: the moment in which Amy was born. The first moment I saw her face, I kissed her forehead and I got intoxicated with her scent baby.
"Welcometotheworld,littleone"Isaid,wrappedinthedeepestlove.
"Iunderstandwhatyoumean.Whatareyougoingtodo?Doyouwanttobewithheruntil theend?"
"No,it'snotromanticatall,Alice.IamcommittedtotakecareofAlessandro,althoughina year he will be of age. Isabella has enough money, she will leave a good inheritance and probablytheboywillnotwanttoknowanythingaboutmeassoonasherealizesthatIwillbe ahorriblefather"helaments."Iwanttobewithher,ofcourse.Worstofall,Iknowshehas comeheretodie."
"Howsad..."Imurmur,puttingmyhandtomymouth.
"Verysad.Butthisislife...asyourdaughtersays,weallhavetodieoneday."
"Anexpertonthesematters"Whatawaytocomforthim,Ithink."Bytheway,you'llbea greatfather."I'mtryingtocheerhimup.WhatelsecanIdo?AmyisdelightedwithyouandI assureyouthatshehatesalargepartofhumanity.It'sstrangethatshelikessomeoneasmuchas shedidwithyoufromthebeginning."
"Shehasapeculiarcharacter,Ilikeher.Bytheway,themozzarellapancakessheprepared todayweredelicious.Youhavetotastethem."
"Youwillnottellmetogetanindigestion,right?"
He starts laughing. That was what I wanted to get from the moment I saw him from the doorway.
"And I'm glad you know the kind of man Angelo is." You have your feet on the ground, writerofromanticnovels."
"Atthispointinmylife,it'srathercomplicatedforsomeonetobreakmyheart,Mark."
Hesaysnothing.HeknowsaswellasIdothattheheartisexposedtoallkindsofstitches atanytimeinourlives,althoughitseemsthatnothingcansurpriseusanymore."
"I'm going to bed" he says, putting the empty whiskey glass on the back of the chair.
"Tomorrowwillbeanotherday."
"Restwell,Mark."
"Thesame,Alice.Donotstaywritinguntilverylate."
ButasIstandupandre-engageinmystoryagain,Ican´thelpbutworkuntilfouro'clockin themorning.Iamsatisfiedwithmynewnovelandwiththeintroductionofamalecharacter, which at first seems something and later turns out not to be. From a disagreeable, mean, arrogant, jerk and idiot person, he becomes a sensitive, generous man with a kind smile and wisewords.Amanforwhomtheprotagonistgetscrazyinlove,althoughatfirstshetriesto ignore these feelings towards him. Because it is scary to fall in love with someone who alreadyis,evenifheisonlyamemory.
CHAPTER8
MARK
Lifeismorebeautiful
IfIglanceatyou
AndIcatchyoulookingatme"
Alice surprised me pleasantly. She stayed till late writing. I know it, because I stopped listeningtothesoundofhercomputerkeysatfourinthemorning.Butevenso,todayateight o'clock she was already awaken with me in the kitchen. Ever since she heard about Isabella anditseemsthatatlast"wegetalong"andwetolerateeachother,leavingbehindadisastrous non-date;It'slikeshedoesn´twanttoleavemealone.AsifsheknewIneededsomeonetotalk tosoIwouldn´ttorturemyselfwiththeproblem.Imustbethankful.
"Whereareyoutakingme?"Sheasksexcitedly.
"TothebestbarsinMontepulciano"Isay,pouringheracupofcoffee.
"Donotgettoodrunk"shesays,laughing.
"I'llgotoIsabella'shousethisafternoontospendsometimewithAlessandro.Doyouwant tocome?"
Shehesitatesforamoment,butnodswithaforcedsmile.
"You'renotobligated."
Iamalsoafraidthatshewillusemeasinspirationforherstory.ThatwhenIreadit,you will see me reflected in it or something like that. Or what is even worse, to see reflected Isabella and her terrible situation. I've always wondered what is going on in a writer and a psychologistś mind when you tell her your stories. What they really think, whether they are analyzingyouorusingyouforasociologicalstudy.
"IwanttomeetIsabella."Shenodsfirmly.
"She'lllikeyou,she'sanexceptionalwoman."
"Ithinkyou'reputtingupwiththesituationquitegood,Mark.
"Ihavenochoice,whatamIgoingtodo?"
"IfThomas,theboyItoldyouabout,cameintomylifenowaftersomanyyearsandputme inthatsituation,Idon´tknowhowIwouldreact.Idon´tknowwhatIwoulddo."
"Youwouldthrowyourarmsaroundhimtakingintoaccountyouŕesucharomantic."
"WhydoyouthinkI'maromantic?"
"Becauseyouwriteaboutit,don´tyou?"
"Youdon´thavetobeaninveterateromanticnovelist,Mark.Justletthestoriesguideyou, flowandletthecharacterstalktoyouasthestorygoeson.Nothingelse."
"You'renottakingadvantageofmysituationtofindinspiration,areyou?"
AtlastIsawtheperfectmomenttogettothesubject.
"No,Ihavealreadystartedthestory,so...Maybeforanothernovel."
She winks at me and I look at how pretty her smile is. What was she thinking about that night, with me staring at the brunette instead of her? Why did not I look up her name on the internettoknowherface?WhydidIscrewituplikethat?Cindywasright,Aliceisalovely
womanandI'mgladsheputherinmyway.SurelyIwouldn´tbesowelloffwithIsabellaand hersonifAliceandAmyweren´twithmehere.
"Howareyougettingonwiththenovelthing?Cindyputalotofpressureonyou,didnot she?
"She just threatened that if I did not have a new novel, they would stop my publishing contract" she laughs, "but I´m handling it fine. It advances in leaps and bounds. And how do youhandlethecriticismthing?"
"Asyouimagine,thatiswhatleastconcernsmenow.Ihavebeentalkingtothemanagersof myrestaurantsandalthoughithasaffectedthebusiness,wearestillmakingmoney.Noneedto worry.
"Canasinglecriticismaffectsomuch?"
"Yes, if itś coming from John Logan. He is the most influential gastronomic critic of the country."
"You know? When I see that a novel is badly reviews or highly criticized, I read it. I'm curiousaboutit.Thesamecanhappenintherestaurantbusiness."
"Notiftheysaythebathroomisdirtyandthattherearelikelytoberatsscurryingaround thekitchen."
"That'swhathewrote?"Sheasks,hereyeswide.
Notwiththosewords,buthedid.
"He’sabastard."
"Nowyou’retalking."
Amyentersthekitchenlookingatuswithcuriosity.
"Pancakeswithmozzarella?"Shesuggests.
"Watchoutforthesugar"Iwarn.
"Yes,chef!
She smiles at her mother, something has changed between the two. I suppose however crazy the teenager looks like, she has reconsidered everything when she learned about Isabella's illness and how lonely Alessandro will be when she's gone. It's a shame, but sometimesyouhavetoexperiencethesecruelsituationsinlife,torealizeandvaluewhatyou havebyyourside.
Amy prepares the pancakes with enthusiasm, while I glance at Alice. I like the way she looks at her daughter and I think back to Alessandro. Will I look at him that way someday?
Willhecometoseemeasafatherintime?IhavegivenmuchthoughttohowIsabellamustfeel knowing she will leave him alone, knowing that her death is imminent; But not on how the youngmanfeels.Iwanttospendthehoursandbeabletotalktohimalone,althoughIdon�
�t knowexactlywhattotellhimorhowtostartatopicofconversationthathasobsessedme.
ALICE
AmydecidesnottojoinusonourwalkthroughMontepulciano.Shesaysthatbecauseof the hot weather, she prefers to take a dip in the pool and enjoy the household for herself. I imagine her sitting under the weeping willow for hours, looking for signal to have a good connection to her social networks and boast with the pool and scenery to her friends; EverybodyfromNewYorktoanycampinginthedesert,willenvyher.
Mark drives to the village and just after arriving, we walk through its cobbled streets to PiazzaGrande.Wegodownthealley ViadelTeatroandenterthe CantinaContucci, which canboastwithitsgoodreputationasfaraswinetastingisconcerned.
Mark seems to know the owner and they both start speaking in Italian. He offers us a couple of glasses of red wine that we enjoy tasting and we enter into the cellar. I feel cold between its stone walls and I don´t understand anything they speak, so I just drink and look around;Knowingthatbehindthebigwoodenbarrels,theyhideagreatvarietyofwinesofan extraordinaryquality.
Whenheleaves,Marklooksdisheartened.
"IdidnotknowthatyouweresogoodatItalian"Isay,smiling.
"I'msorryIdidnotgetyouinvolvedintheconversation,Alice"hesays,foldinghisarms.
We'vebeentalkingaboutIsabella.Gianclaudiodidnotknowaboutherillnessandhewasvery sorry.Hewasveryclosetoherfather.
"Oh..."
"I'mruiningourdate."
Hesmiles.Ifinditlovely.Itsoftensme.
"Irepeat.Thisisn´tadate.I'mnotgoingtogiveyouonemoredate,Hope."
"Youhaven´tforgivenmeyet?"
"Forgiveyou,yes.Neverforget,though."
Iwinkedandaswecontinuedwalking,wepassedthecafeteriawhereImetAngelo.Ican´t helpbutlookattheplace.Ihavealwayshadthebadhabitofdelightingmewiththeplacesthat bring me good memories. Damn it this time ... Angelo lied to tell me that he would be busy withhishorsebackroutes,he’swithablondwomanwithlighteyeswho,sittingnexttohim, utters all kinds of affectionate gestures. He flirts, smiles and caresses her face. She looks American,shemustbeinhermid-thirties.YesterdayhewaswithmeandIhadrosycheeksof happiness and excitement. Today he is with her and my cheeks burn with a fury that I try to controlonlybecauseofMark’spresence.
MarkisasbaffledasIam,watchingthescenefromadiscreetdistanceandnotknowing whattodoorwhattosay,hegrabsmebythearmwiththeintentionofmovingawayfromthe place.
"No,don’tworry.Ilookathimandsmilemischievously.Let'splayforawhile."
Heshrugs,sighs,andentwinesmyfingerswithhis.I'mnotlookingathim,butIknowthat, althoughhehasn´trejectedit,hefindsmygestureweirdandmaybeitbothershim.
"Comeon."
Obediently,MarkfollowsmeandwesitnexttowhereAngeloiswiththeblonde.Hehasn
´tnoticedmypresenceyet,buthewilldoitinone,two,three...
"WhatshallIbringyou?"Thewaiterasks.
IturnmygazetoAngelo,whofrownsatthesightofmyfingersentwinedwithMark'sonthe table.
"Redwine,please"IsayinItalian.Iamlearning,especiallyifIhavetoaskforalcohol.
Markshrugs,thepoormandoesn´tevenknowwheretolook.
IfeelthenervousnessinAngelo.Hemoveshislegasifitwereanervoustic,andhesays somethingintheinnocentAmericanwoman'sear.Beforetheymakethegestureofgettingup,I go towards them and I plant a kiss to Angelo. His companion withdraws a little and looks aroundblushed.IseparatemylipsfromthoseofAngeloandsecondslater,asifmyhandtook onalifeofitsown,Igivehimaslapintheface.
"That’s because you’re a liar. Be careful with this one" I say to the American woman
"yesterdayhewaswithme,todaywithyouandtomorrow...withsomeothernaivetourist."
Thethirty-somethingblondewoman,whohassunbathedtoomuchintheTuscansun,looks atmewithstrangelyopeneyes,asopenashertinypoutymouth.Angelostillhasn´treactedyet towhathasjusthappenedandfrownsatMark.Aselegantlyaspossible,andwithmyheadheld high,IsitdownnexttoMarkandsmile.IampleasedtoseethattheblondeandAngelo,aftera fewsecondsofconfusiontakeseparatewaysandhe,withhisheaddown,goesawayglancing atme.
"Whathaveyoudone?"Marklaughs.
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry ... I'm not like that, I promise you" I mumble, amused and embarrassed, covering my face. The truth is that I am ashamed of how ridiculous everything must have been, but at the same time proud, of having committed a small "madness" and not havinglookedtheotherway.
"Ithasbeengreat.Thewaiterwasdelirious,youshouldhaveseenhisface."
I thought he would reproach me that I have "used" him for my personal revenge or something.Butinspiteofthat,helaughsandlooksatmewithadmiration.
"Ourseconddateisinteresting,MissMorgan."
"Comeon.It'snotadate!Bytheway,youdon’tthinkthatmydaughterandIaresomenon grataguests,doyou?"
"You caught me on a bad day" he begins to say "when I was more concerned on the bad review, the restaurants ... These days I've learned that it doesn´t matter. I even lost very valuable time when I could have done very different things, you know? If I started over, I woulddoitalldifferently."
"Tohavedoneverydifferentthings..."Irepeat,savoringeveryword."Likewhat?Iwant toknow.
"Havingchildren,forexample.IseeAmyanddespitebeingacrazyteenager,she'slovely.
And you will always have someone, while I will remain alone. He pauses for a moment, sighing.Tohavesettledown,tohavereallyfalleninlove.Notbeingabastardallmylifeand not having given so much importance to my career as a chef and businessman. I should have treatedwomenbetter,peopleingeneral.Myarrogancedidn’tgetshit.
"Butyoudidwell.You'redoingwell.Andatleastyounoticeditintime,Mark."
"Intime...Hesmilessadly.Isee."Hethinks.Helowershisgazeandfixesitonmeagain.
"I'vewastedmylife,Alice."
"No,don´tsaythat.You'reyoung,Mark."
"Notthatmuch."
"Yes. My daughter believes that at forty we are old-timers, but she will notice when she willbethatage,thatsheisn´t.Ourlifehasonlyjustbegun.Nowweknowwhowereallyare andwhatwewantinthislife.
"Look,Iwanttoshowyousomethingthatyesterdaymademereflect."
He picks up his cell phone, connects it to the local Wifi network and shows me a video titled:"Liveyourdreambeforeyoudie".Init,ablackmanappearstalkingwithenthusiasm;In themiddleofalargemeadowwithaviewtotheskyandtheimpressivemountains,whosays so:
"Itisn´tdeaththatscaresthemost.Itisreachingtheendofyourlife,onlytorealizethatyou neverreallylived.
A study was done in a hospital, where a hundred elderly people on their point of dying, giving their last breath were inquired; What was the greatest regret of their life. Almost everyoneansweredthattheydidnotrepentofthethingstheyhaddone,butofthethingsthey hadNOTdone;Ofthetimesthattheydidnottakerisks,andofthedreamsthatdidnotpursue.
Iaskyou:Willyourlastwordsbe"IwishIhad..."?
Hey,YOU,WAKEUP!
WhyDOYOUEXIST?
Lifeisn´tjustworking,waitingfortheweekendandpayingthebills.
Idon´tknowmanythings,butIhaveonethingveryclear:everypersoninthisworld
hasa TALENT. And I apologize to my community, but I can´t continue to pretend ... Martin Luther Kingneverhadadream.ThatDREAMhadHIM.
Peopledon´tchooseDREAMS.Dreamschoosethem.
So my question is: Do you have the courage to accept the dream that has chosen you to expressyourself,orwillyouletitslipaway?
TheotherdayIlearnedsomethingabouttheplanesthatsurprisedme.Istartedtalkingtoa pilot who told me that many of his passengers think flying is risky. But he confessed that a planeismuchmoredangerouswhenitisontheground.Iaskedhim:"Why?"Hetoldmethat ontheground,aplanebeginstodeteriorate,torust,tobreakdownmuchfasterthanwhenitis flying.ThenIthoughtthatmadesense,becausetheplaneswerecreatedtoFLY;Justaspeople werecreatedtoLIVETHEDREAMthattheycarryinside.Thebiggestlossisprobablyliving ontheGROUNDwithouteverhavingtheopportunitytoTAKEOFF.
Wearealwaysafraidthatathiefwillappearatnightandstealeverythingwehavewhile we are asleep. But there is a thief in your mind who takes over your dreams. It's called DOUBT.Ifyouseehim,callthepoliceandtakeyourchildrenawayfromhim,becauseheisin thepursuitandimprisonsofyourdreams,andhaskilledmoredreamsthanfailureitself.Doubt disguisesitselfandhidesitselfasavirusthatleavesyoublindandtornapart,andturnsyour:
"MaybeIshould..."intoadeadlyweapon.Youknowwhatitmeanstosay"MaybeIshould
...".Therearealotofpeoplewhosay"MaybeIshould...""MaybeIshouldchangemyjob...";
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