“Stop.” The word came out in a near moan, but it was enough to capture Quinn’s attention. She had to tell him. She had to tell him now. “There won’t be any children. Not for us.”
He searched her gaze. “You mean you don’t want to have children with me?”
“I mean I can’t have children, Quinn.”
“I don’t understand. Why not?”
“I had a riding accident when I was sixteen. The doctor said I’ll never be able to have children. That’s why I agreed to marry you. You already had four and...” She ran out of words when his face blanched. His arm dropped from around her. Turning away, he sank onto one of the kitchen chairs. She leaned back against the sink for support as raw, heavy silence stretched between them. Despair rolled over her in waves, washing away any trace of hope that he wouldn’t reject her. Her voice sounded distant to her ears as she whispered, “Say something.”
After a long moment, he glanced up with devastation written all over his face. “What do you want to do?”
She stared at him. Do? About what? Her condition? No. Their marriage.
He was asking her what she wanted to do about their marriage now that the reason they were together had been stripped away and she’d revealed the truth about herself. What could be done? They were legally married. That hadn’t changed. “I’m not sure.”
Something in his blue eyes hardened along with his tone. “Well, I’ll not hold you here. You can go back to Austin if you like. Take the dowry your parents sent. I won’t need it and it really belongs to you.”
That was all she needed to know. She closed her eyes to hide the pain that cut through her chest. She forced her voice, her face, to remain impassive. “I suppose that would be best. I’ll finish the dishes in the morning. Good night.”
She closed the door to her room behind her but made no effort to get ready for bed. Instead, she sat on her bed with her hands buried in her hair and wept a silent torrent of tears. She tensed as she heard Quinn’s footsteps in the hall, then relaxed when she realized he was retiring to the room where the boys used to sleep. She was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from everything that had happened, but sleep wouldn’t come. Her tears faded as hurt slowly turned to anger. Soon she was pacing the floor of her bedroom with her hands clenched into tight fists. She paced until the walls seemed to close in on her, then she knew she needed to get out of the house and into the fresh air no matter how dark or cold that air might be.
She quietly crept from her room since another confrontation with Quinn was the last thing she wanted tonight. Or was it? She stomped into her boots while sending a glare down the hallway toward the room where he slept. She grabbed her coat and stepped into the night. The dark hills silhouetted by moonlight loomed around her. Innumerable stars shimmered above. A mockingbird’s call drifted down from the woods. Yet, all Helen’s mind could focus on was one question that continued to bother her. If Quinn didn’t love her then why had he wanted to change their arrangement?
“He’s just like Tom, that’s why.” Picking up a pinecone, she sent it spiraling toward a tree, which absorbed the blow with a satisfying thwack. Even as her words settled into the air around her, she knew they weren’t true. Quinn was nothing like Tom, which was why his reaction had been so hurtful. She hadn’t been sure what to expect from him, but she’d certainly hoped for more than just his silence. Once that had ended, all she’d gotten was a kindly put command to get out.
What she’d really wanted was for him to sweep her into his arms and profess his love. She’d wanted him to beg her to stay. She’d wanted him to tell her that he didn’t think less of her because she’d injured herself in a moment of recklessness on a high-strung horse. She’d wanted him to contradict every word Tom had spoken and sweep away the self-deprecating thoughts that so often filled her mind. He hadn’t done that. In fact, his action made her wonder if the doctor and Tom had been right all along. Perhaps it was time to fully accept that she was everything they’d said or intimated her to be: permanently damaged.
Something rose within her that she’d never felt before. Courage, strength, determination, temerity—whatever it was, it came out in one steely spoken word: “No.”
Suddenly, a rush of what she could only describe as clarity overtook her. Let Dr. Whitley say her injury was caused by recklessness rather than pure accident. Let Tom try to convince her that she wasn’t intended to be an honorable woman. Let Quinn return her to her parents as he would damaged goods to a mercantile. That didn’t mean it was true. It certainly didn’t mean she had to accept their view of her as something on which to base her identity, her thoughts or her plans.
She didn’t need anyone to contradict words she knew weren’t true. She couldn’t wait for someone to come along who could clear her mind of cruel thoughts. She could—she would do it herself. In fact, it wasn’t something anyone else could do for her. It was something she needed to overcome with God’s help and Word and grace. He certainly didn’t look at her and see damage. He saw His Beloved. How had she lost sight of the importance of that? The answer was simple. She’d focused on the opinion of others rather than God.
“Helen?”
She stiffened at the sound of Quinn’s voice. The brittle scales of the pinecone she hadn’t realized she was holding bit into her hand. She dropped it and pulled her coat closer. “Yes?”
“What are you doing out here? You’ll freeze.”
What did he care? She spun to ask him exactly that. The sight of him leaning against the door frame stilled the words on her tongue before they reached her lips. He lifted the lantern he held in what must have been an effort to see her better. For her, it only served to illuminate the concern marring his brow and the mussed curls that could only come from fitful sleep. His deep blue eyes were too tired to be guarded. She saw gentleness there, which was altogether confusing in the aftermath of their last conversation.
Her anger abandoned her, leaving her feeling vulnerable. It would have been easier to hold on to those feelings if she didn’t love him so. Everything he’d done until earlier tonight had made her feel whole and even cherished. She’d thought he was beginning to care for her. Hadn’t he said he wanted to win her heart? Could the truth about her really have changed that so quickly?
Afraid she’d do something or say something to reveal how close she was to throwing herself into his arms and begging him to let her stay, she lowered her eyes to the porch steps as she mounted them. Her intent was to quickly edge past him into the house, but he took his time in shifting his weight away from the door frame. His arm came up to block the entrance when she tried to move past him. Surprised, her gaze automatically locked with his, which was a mistake. Surely her tangled emotions were written on her face. Any hope that they weren’t shattered as a frown deepened on his face.
Had she no pride? Just because she’d had a breakthrough concerning her condition didn’t automatically alter Quinn’s view of her. She was damaged in his eyes. Yet, she wasn’t sorry for telling the truth. If she hadn’t, she wouldn’t have found the strength to face it or the courage to choose not to let it define her. She lifted her chin. “Excuse me, please.”
A moment passed before his arm dropped. She edged by him and down the hall into her bedroom where she pulled in a heavy sigh. She wouldn’t be able to sleep tonight, so she might as well start packing. It wouldn’t do either of them any good for her to stay here longer than necessary. Yet what was the point of leaving? They’d still be married even if they were leading separate lives.
Didn’t that mean that there was still hope for them? Perhaps he’d change his mind over time. Surely he’d get lonely out here all by himself. Eventually, he might ask her to return. She sighed. Was she truly prepared to spend months, years or even a lifetime waiting for such a thing to happen when he obviously wanted a way out of their marriage? Perhaps the only fair thing to do would be to let
him go. She just wasn’t sure how she could.
* * *
Quinn awakened the next morning feeling completely disoriented. Then he remembered he’d spent the night in the boys’ room because the children had gone with Wade and Charlotte to the hotel in town. Children. Helen. He sat up in Reece’s old bed and dragged his hands through his mussed hair as every painful detail of the past twelve hours rushed over him. Helen couldn’t have children. The news had been disappointing in itself because he’d enjoyed being a father to his nieces and nephews. However, that hadn’t compared to the devastation he’d felt when he’d realized how much more it mattered to Helen that she couldn’t be a mother.
It had mattered enough that she’d married a man she didn’t love—probably had no hope of loving—to obtain the children she wouldn’t have been able to have on her own. And then they were taken from her. Now she was left with him. A man she’d never wanted in the first place. A man she must have known all along didn’t deserve her. No wonder she was heartbroken.
He’d felt her pain along with his own. Yet he knew his wound had been inflicted by his own stupidity. He’d gotten so caught up in trying to be a better man, he’d forgotten that only one thing had truly qualified him to be her husband. It didn’t have anything to do with him or the Bachelor List. It was that she’d loved his children. Now the children were gone, and he couldn’t give her any more. He had nothing to offer that would be of any worth to her.
An image came to mind of Helen standing in the cold with her coat wrapped close around her. He still couldn’t figure out what she’d been doing out there in the middle of the night and she hadn’t deigned to explain. In fact, he couldn’t recall that she’d said more than a few words to him during that exchange. She hadn’t needed to because her eyes had spoken volumes—most of which didn’t make a lick of sense.
Longing, hurt and something he might dare to call caring had replaced the pure apprehension that had stared back at him after she’d divulged the true reason she’d married him. The apprehension he’d understood. Why wouldn’t she fear being stuck with him alone for the rest of her life? He’d done his best to let her know he had no intention of keeping her captive just because their names were on the same marriage certificate. He’d offered her a way back to the life she deserved. The one where she’d be able to live in a gilded mansion and never have to scrub dishes or milk a cow or avoid an ill-tempered rooster.
His plan had been to stay right here where he belonged. That would spare them both unnecessary pain—hers at being stuck with a man she’d never really wanted, and his at wanting a woman whose heart he’d never be able to win. However, the look she’d given him on the porch was not that of a woman whose heart was completely untouchable. He couldn’t fathom why she’d want anything to do with someone who had nothing to offer, but what if she was amenable to changing her mind? Could there be some small part of her that wanted to stay?
The answer came to him as soon as he passed by her doorway and saw her struggling to buckle a nearly overflowing suitcase. Not only did she want to leave, but she couldn’t wait to get away from him. The sight made him downright ornery even though he knew he had no right to feel that way. He felt a muscle in his jaw twitch. “Are you planning on leaving today?”
She jumped a little at the sound of his voice, then spared a quick glance his way. “I have a few things to do in town first, then I should be able to leave on the same train with the children.”
Dandy. His whole family would be leaving him at one time. That ought to make things around here nice and lonely. Still, he could hardly protest since it was a smart plan. He crossed his arms. “Good. I don’t like the idea of you traveling alone.”
“Well, I won’t be.” The buckles finally snapped closed. “We’d better hurry if we want to finish the chores and make it into town in time to have breakfast with the other Tuckers.”
The “other Tuckers” were already waiting for them at Maddie’s Café—which meant the story of Wade and Charlotte’s survival was probably winding its way through town with record speed. As soon as they finished eating, Charlotte took the children to the schoolhouse to say goodbye to their friends while Helen left to take care of a few things on her own. Realizing this would probably be the most privacy he’d get with his brother, Quinn decided to make the most of the opportunity. “Helen will be traveling as far as Austin on the train with y’all. Will you look out for her for me?”
“You know I will.” Wade paused as Maddie refilled their cups of coffee before he continued, “You aren’t going with her?”
Quinn felt a wry smile tug at his lips. “That would kind of defeat the purpose. She’s going there to live with her parents.”
Wade frowned. “You two are separating? For how long?”
“I don’t know. Forever, I guess. I suppose I should have expected as much as soon as I found out you were alive.” Quinn quickly explained everything to his brother from his original prayer for a helpmeet to the Bachelor List and all that came after.
“I had no idea,” Wade said once Quinn had finished. “So you’re just going to let her go?”
Quinn grimaced. “I can hardly force her to stay. That would be selfish since she deserves so much more than I can give her. Besides, I hardly think I’d stand a chance with her.”
Wade shook his head. “That’s Nana talking. Not you. At least, I hope you don’t really believe that.”
“I believe what you said about Nana’s warnings not being true. In fact, I’m pretty sure most of what I learned from her was plain wrong. I’ve also read my Bible enough to know that God’s promises for His children are good. It just doesn’t seem like they’re intended for me.”
“Why not?”
“I’m not the kind of man who has great things happen to him. At least, not the kind that last. I thought that would change if I made myself into a better man. Well, I’ve changed a little, but not enough to make a real difference. Until I do...” He shrugged. “I don’t deserve anything more than what I’ve always had.”
“It kind of sounds like it’s more about identity than anything else.”
“Identity? What do you mean?”
“It’s like this.” Wade set aside his coffee and leaned forward. “You’re saying because you’re this person, you don’t deserve certain things. This may sound strange and I know we’ve only recently reconnected, but I can already tell you aren’t the person you think you are.”
Quinn gave his brother a quizzical smile. It did sound a little strange, but Quinn was intrigued. “Who am I, then?”
“I’m afraid that’s something you’ve got to figure out for yourself.”
Quinn thought about it, then asked, “You wouldn’t happen to have a Bible in town, would you?”
“As a matter of fact, I do.” Wade settled the bill with Maddie then led Quinn to his hotel room where he placed a Bible in Quinn’s hands. “I’m supposed to meet Charlotte at the mercantile. You’ll have this room to yourself for a while. Make yourself comfortable.”
Quinn wasted no time in doing just that, sitting in an armchair by a window that overlooked Main Street. The activity below faded away as he flipped through the pages of the Bible at random. The words seemed to jump out at him as they never had before. How had he missed this verse declaring him a new creature? Or this one saying that God would give him a double portion of honor in place of the shame he’d endured? Or another declaring that God wanted to give him a future and a hope? The more he read, the more he realized that his worth was based not on what he could do, but on what God had already done.
Even so, something about all of this didn’t make sense.
Why would God do this for him? He leaned back in his chair to think over everything he’d read, everything Helen had shown him, everything he’d heard Pastor Brightly preach, and arrived at one conclusion. It was because God loved him. And that
changed everything.
Well, perhaps not everything. Helen was still going to get on the train and never look back. After all, his newfound freedom didn’t mean he should chain her to a life or a man she’d never wanted. She’d made her decision. He needed to respect that even though he prayed with all his heart that she’d change her mind.
Chapter Nineteen
Quinn grimaced as a hollow whistle announced the arrival of the westbound train. Steam hissed through the cold air while a few passengers disembarked and the large steel doors of the luggage car slid open to receive his family’s bags. Quinn sneaked a sideways glance at Helen, who looked as proper and composed in a cranberry-colored traveling suit as she had the first time he’d seen her standing at the front of the schoolroom a few months earlier. She was clutching what appeared to be a scroll wrapped in brown paper and tied with string. Whatever it was had garnered more of her attention than he had since she’d joined the rest of them for a quick dinner at the hotel.
Wade clasped him on the shoulder. “Everything is loaded up. It’s time to say goodbye.”
Quinn’s heart sank as everyone turned to look at him. Helen’s goodbyes to Wade, Charlotte and the children wouldn’t be necessary until she reached Austin. He pulled in a deep breath to steel himself. This was going to hurt. He had no doubt about that. Clara stepped forward and he lifted her into a hug. She threw her arms around his neck. “You’re the best uncle in the world and I love you.”
“You are a precious young lady and I love you, too.” He held her tight then kissed her forehead before setting her down.
The Texan's Inherited Family (Bachelor List Matches) Page 21