“How are you feeling?” Pierce asked.
“I feel like a baby deer trying to walk for the first time.” I complained.
Despite how happy I was earlier, I couldn’t ignore the fast, deep ache that crawled up my legs and down my arms. I was definitely pushed to my limits today, and with my first recital coming up, I didn’t expect Violet to take it easy on me because of sore muscles.
When we reached the entrance, Pierce stepped in front of me to open the double doors. The sun had gone down and a slight chill had taken over the air. I shivered as it robbed the warmth of my skin. I pulled the thin, pink hoodie tighter around me and wished I’d brought something a little thicker when I left this morning.
“Here,” Pierce said, and before I could protest, he wrapped his jacket around me.
“Now you’ll be cold.”
“I’m good. I live for this kind of weather.”
“Thank you,” I said, not wanting to push the issue because I was already starting to warm up.
I didn’t even notice the wind through my leggings, as I couldn’t feel my legs anyway.
“No worries,” he whispered, and I realized how close he was.
Of course the wind had impeccable timing and whipped my hair across my face. Before I could move it away, Pierce’s fingers were sliding along the curve of my face, freeing it from the messy strands.
“Here,” he said, tugging on the collar of my jacket, and I realized he was pulling my hoodie free. He secured my hair in place behind my ears and then pulled the hood over my head. “Much better.”
I was aware that his fingers still lingered against my neck, and I sucked in a much-needed breath and took a step back. If I was still unsure about Pierce’s feelings, it was all cleared up now.
“I’m sorry. I...”
I twisted my hands nervously together as I tried to figure out where to go from there.
“I’m not very good at the whole dating thing,” I confessed, buying me some time.
He took a step toward me and I was trapped between him and the door. “It’s okay,” he said. “I’m not a pro either.”
I laughed and then asked, “Have you ever been out with a blind girl before?”
“Does that matter? I like you, Araya. I don’t care if you’re blind, deaf, orange, eat sardines, or use Makayla as a safety divider. Bring her along if it means you’ll go out with me.”
His words gave me butterflies, and I found myself smiling. But the feeling didn’t last long and my guilt chased away the butterflies.
“I wish it was that easy, Pierce... but I’m confused about a lot things and I don’t think it would be fair to you until I’ve figured them all out.”
“Confused about things? That’s usually code for there is another guy involved.”
“Yes.”
“Lucky bastard.” He joked. “Well, if you figure it out and it works out in my favor, will you promise that I’m the first one to know?”
I smiled and nodded. “Yes.”
“Say you promise or it doesn’t count, and I really need it to count, Araya.”
“Yes. I promise, Pierce.”
“Music to my ears. Can I walk you back to your apartment?”
“Well-”
“I’m sorry,” he interrupted and took my hand in his. “I didn’t mean for that to come out as a question.”
I tried not to think about things as we walked toward my building because I couldn’t control the slow downward spiral I descended every time I thought of Ryland and if I was going to fall apart, I wanted to do that alone. It was too hard not knowing the unknown and I had too many questions. If I didn’t know, I couldn’t be wrong, right?
After my awkward moment with Pierce, which seemed to only affect me, he dropped me off in front of my studio apartment. There were four live-on campuses for MA and they were for the elite only. Except for me. I was their- I guess so, if we have to student.
“Your stop,” he said and slowed in front of my building. I searched my bag for my keycard and pulled it out.
“Thank you for walking me.”
It was useless to continue to tell him he didn’t have to walk me across campus. It fell on deaf ears every time.
“You’re welcome. If you’re still feeling sore later, make sure to soak in some hot water. It’ll help.”
“I will. Try not to be late again. I’d like to get out of there in one piece next time.”
He laughed and it made me smile. “You can deny it all you want, but I know you love the torture. I can see it all over your face when you dance.”
I blushed, wondering how much I missed during our rehearsals. “Dancing is in my blood,” I whispered.
“Well, you’re damn good at it.”
“You’re not so bad yourself. Goodnight, Pierce.”
“Night, A.”
He never asked to walk me to my door, and I liked that. He knew how important it was for me to do things on my own.
I thought of Ryland again and I felt awful. I had no right to place any judgment on him. Pierce dealt with others like me all the time. It was his job to know how to treat us, and Ryland had done the best he could. I knew that and I loved him for it.
I knew this hall like the back of my hand and I didn’t even need to count my steps anymore. I was almost to my door when I heard another open and laughter echoed off the hall walls. I recognized the sound and instantly wished time had been on my side.
I probably could have snuck past without them even knowing I was there, but I knew it was too late when I heard the laughter stop and something hit my foot. There was an intake of breath and a small noise of resignation.
“Hey, Araya,” Emily said with no hint of doubt in her greeting. “Where have you been all afternoon?”
“I was with Violet and Pierce, rehearsing.” I stared off longingly toward my apartment door.
“Ooohhh, you’re so lucky!” Elise, Emily’s twin sister, squealed.
They were both blind—a birth defect, but not a life sentence, they told everyone. Their blindness wasn’t a crutch they needed to lean on. They embraced it, seeing advantages no one else could, and I envied them for that.
“Pierce is dreamy.” She sighed.
Elise had a huge crush on Pierce, and it obviously had nothing to do with his looks. Pierce had that effect on all the girls had MA, but as far as I knew, he’d never dated anyone here and that only made him more of a catch. I wasn’t about to tell her or anyone else the conversation I’d had with him earlier.
“Well, the only thing I’m jealous about is that you’re going to be in the recital and I’m not.” Emily pouted, but I knew deep down she wasn’t really upset about it.
“It should be you.” I agreed.
I don’t know how I’d gotten picked over Emily. According to Violet, Emily was an amazing dancer. Not that she didn’t think I was, but Emily had been here longer, and performing for this recital was a huge thing for MA. I was relieved that Emily didn’t hold their decision against me.
“There’s always next year, Em. You’ll get it for sure!”
I smiled at Elisa’s comforting words for her sister and added that to my list of envies. It made me miss my mom and wish she was here to see how far I’ve come and comfort me when I needed it.
“Thanks, Elisa. Araya will kick ass though, won’t you?”
“I hope so.”
“Be confident. You got this.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Emily.”
“So do you have any plans tonight? A group of us is going over to Pete’s. They’re doing karaoke and we have a bet going with the boys.”
Pete’s was a small pub down the street that all the kids from MA hung out at. Each night they did something different and tonight was karaoke. Most of the kids who went knew the songs by heart since they couldn’t read the screens. I had yet to go and even though it sounded like fun, I wasn’t in the mood to go out.
“I think I’m just going to stay in tonight, but thanks, girls!”
“Is there something in that room of yours we don’t know about, Araya? You sure do spend a lot of time in there—ouch!” Elise wined.
“Hush, El. Leave Araya alone. Maybe next time?”
“Yes. After the recital for sure. Have fun!”
I walked away quickly before I was stopped by anyone else and slipped into my room. Leaning my head against the door, I sighed, thankful to be alone.
“Don’t feel too relieved just yet.”
I bit my tongue I jumped so hard at the sound of her voice, and my eyes watered over from the pain. I coughed as my scream erupted in my throat and burned the soft lining.
“Holy fudge! You scared me!”
“Did you pee?”
I frowned. “What?”
“Did you pee?”
“Nooooo.”
“Then I didn’t scare you that bad. When you pee, then I’ll feel bad.”
“Your logic is undeniable,” I quoted sarcastically.
“You know it, Will.”
I smiled thinking of our Will Smith movie marathon the other night. People thought it was weird that I sat and watched movies, but I still liked hearing them.
“Well, I almost bit my tongue off,” I said, rubbing the tip of it against the roof of my mouth and throwing my bag on the floor.
“Well, almost isn’t bitten off. So you’re good.”
I sat down next to her. “How do you keep getting in here?”
“I had a key made,” she said nonchalantly.
I rolled my head toward her. “What? When?”
“When we went and got your tree stuff, which by the way, you have yet to put up, and I get why you say fudge, I do, but once in a while it’s okay to say fuck. Sometimes you just need to say fuck.”
“Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to live in your head.”
It amazed me at how many things she could talk about and focus on at all times.
“Crowded and kind of like being on a nude beach.”
“I don’t know how to respond to you sometimes.”
“I want to hear you say it.”
“Say what?”
“Fuck.”
“You’re insane. I’m getting something to drink and maybe some fudge.” I teased.
I went to get up, but she grabbed my arm and pulled me back down.
“Say it or I’ll lick you!”
“You wouldn’t!”
“Oh, I would, and I think you know I will. Say it!” she demanded.
“No!”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t want to.”
And then it happened—she licked the side of my face. Then she got up from the couch and walked off as if nothing happened.
“What kind of juice do you want?” she said as if her tongue hadn’t just swept across my cheek.
“I hope you like the way sweat tastes,” I yelled, wiping my cheek.
“If could have been worse.”
“Or you could have not done it at all.”
“Or you could have said fuck.”
I watched as her silhouette made its way toward me again and her hand extended. I took the juice from her.
“I was calling your bluff.”
“Know who you’re dealing with, Araya.”
I smiled because she was totally crazy, but that’s what I loved about her. She wasn’t predictable. She made me laugh and honestly, she reminded me a lot of my mom, and it gave me a piece of home.
“Go take a shower. I’m going to get some food and then we’re going to put together that damn tree.”
Twenty minutes later, I stood under the hot spray of water as it coated my body in goose bumps. It felt so good; I could have stayed there until the water no longer offered its comfort.
I welcomed Makayla’s company because she helped keep my mind occupied.
Not that it worked a hundred percent. He was always there, somewhere in the back of my mind, consuming me and pulling me under. I tried to focus as much as I could on school and dancing until I had no energy to think about anything else. And on good days, I could get through them without thinking about Ryland every minute, but he was always there.
His voice taunted me during the day. At least once every day I would think I heard him calling my name through the halls. It was a cruel joke when I was surrounded by shadows. He lived in my dreams, and most nights I couldn’t wait to close my eyes so he’d be there. My body ached for his touch, and more than once, I felt the phantom caress of his fingers over my skin.
I’d lost count of the nights I’d awoken gasping for one more breath and my body trembling, reaching for him, only to remember he wasn’t really there. The pain was soul crushing and I’d end up crying until I thought I’d never stop. And I knew I was never going be okay again.
I knew I asked for this. New surroundings, new people, a new life... but moving on was impossible when my heart wasn’t on my side, and I was starting to wonder if you truly loved someone, can you ever really move on?
The water was no longer scorching my skin, and I knew it was time to get out. Finishing up, I was quick to get dressed and turn up the heat in my small apartment. I actually didn’t mind the size at all. I liked that it was similar to what I was used to.
I washed my morning dishes and snacked on crackers while I waited for Mak to come back.
I had a nice routine going, and I was proving to myself that living on my own wasn’t only something I could do on my own, it was something I could do well. I needed to prove to Ryland, or I felt like I’d needed to prove to him that I could do this. My reasons felt valid, but now I was wondering if maybe... maybe I needed him more.
“Sure, you break in when I’m not here, but when I am, you knock?” I yelled through the closed door.
I pulled the door open, expecting Mak to come sweeping in, but that didn’t happen. I could see their shadow so I knew someone was there, but I was having second thoughts about opening my door without making sure who was there.
“You normally have people breaking and entering?”
I sighed, instantly feeling better. “Only Mak. She doesn’t believe in locks or the law.”
Pierced laughed. “That doesn’t surprise me. Well, I come bearing gifts.” I must have made a face because he laughed again. “I’m guessing Mak didn’t tell you...”
“Tell me what?”
“I guess I’m crashing your party. She invited me to come hang out. I hope you don’t mind.”
I smiled. “I don’t mind. I just hope you don’t get bored. We’re putting up my very first Christmas tree since four years ago.”
“Sounds like fun.”
I like that he didn’t make me awkwardly explain why I hadn’t had one in so long.
“We got Chinese.”
And that’s all it took for everything to come crashing down around me. One stupid word, and the memory of that night was a pressure building in my chest until I couldn’t breathe. I stood there feeling hot and cold, like my body was being ripped in two.
“Nothing lasts forever, Ryland.”
“Damn it, let me be your nothing, Araya.”
No! The word echoed inside my head and my ears rang at the sound of my protest. I couldn’t keep reliving that night over and over. I knew it by heart now, and it was a nightmare that replayed over and over and it broke me every time. I didn’t want to move on from Ryland, but I knew this wasn’t helping me either. I felt like I was destined to float through limbo until I learned how not to miss him so much.
“Are you okay?” Pierce asked, touching my arm.
I shook myself from my thoughts and forced a smile. “I’m fine.”
I wasn’t. I was actually far from fine, but no one else needed to know that. Minutes later, Mak came bouncing through my room with a pizza and pizza boy’s number.
“I thought we were eating Chinese?” I asked, confused.
“It’s all about variety, A. It’s what makes the world go ‘round.”
“You stole someone
’s pizza, didn’t you?”
“I didn’t steal anything. He gave it to me.” She insisted. “And I gave him my phone number.”
Peirce and I laughed. It was easy to be distracted by the two of them.
We ate and then I helped Peirce put together the tree while Mak unwrapped the silver and red ornaments. For the next hour, we decorated the tree while Mak entertained us with childhood Christmas stories.
I loved hearing about her family and her brothers and sisters. It took my mind off things, but not completely. Never fully completely. And as I sat there listening to Pierce and Mak trade old family war stories, my thoughts remained with Ryland.
Walking up to the door, I took a deep breath, and lifted my hand to knock. Every second that I’d been away from Araya came crashing down on me like a cold shower of reality. I had attempted this once already, and I’d found that she was happier than I thought she would be. What if I’d waited too long to come back for her?
Just the thought was enough to bring me to my knees, so I pushed it away and took a deep, nauseating breath and knocked hard on the door. I’d been able to hear the music on the other side, and I listened now as it faded into nothing.
I took a step back when the door was flung open with way too much force to match the person on the other side. A small brunette stood in the doorway, with flushed cheeks and her hair in a high ponytail. She was out of breath like she’d been belting it out with the radio or dancing or maybe both.
She held the door with one hand and leaned her body into the edge of it. She was wearing a tank top that hung mid-thigh, and I didn’t linger long enough to see if she wore anything underneath. Her hot-pink fuzzy slippers were my safety zone. She smacked loudly on a piece of red licorice and eyeballed me curiously.
“Can I help you?” she asked, amused.
I did a double take on the room number before clearing my throat. I was surprised by a couple of things: the fact that she could see me for one, and two, that she wasn’t Araya. I opened my mouth to speak, but I’d taken too long and missed my chance because she was talking again.
“Yes,” was all she said and then she smiled like she’d just learned a secret.
The Grace In Darkness Page 2