The Grace In Darkness

by Melissa Andrea

  “There’s nothing more you can threaten me with that’s going to change my mind. You do what you have to do, J.D., because you can bet your ass I will too. I won’t let you take her away from me without a fight.”

  J.D. walked around his desk and stood in front of me. He knew he was losing the battle and he was preparing for war. He was bringing out the big intimidation, but he didn’t realize I came cocked and ready too.

  “I don’t think that’s a fight you’re ready to take on, Ryland. Fighting with me is nothing like the pathetic little spats you get into with your brother.”

  I didn’t back down. “You have no idea what I’m capable of. Don’t underestimate me, J.D. It’ll be one of the worst mistakes you’ll ever make!”

  “I’ll take my chances. I’ll take that stupid girl and hide her so far away from you that you’ll spend the rest of your miserable life looking for her. She thinks it’s dark where she lives now… She has no idea. I’ll be her worst nightmare in the darkest parts of her world, and she’ll have you to thank for that, son!”

  I couldn’t control it and I probably wouldn’t have if I could. I never welcomed the sound of bone hitting bone the way I did when I slammed into J.D. He didn’t expect it, and he stumbled back against his desk, holding his nose. When he looked at me, his eyes were full of anger and murder.

  “You ever threaten Araya again, I swear to God I will kill you! And I am not your son!”

  I turned and walked toward the door.

  “Ryland!” J.D. roared. “Ryland!”

  His voice echoed off the walls.

  I didn’t stop. I didn’t look back, and I didn’t think twice about the man I was walking away from. I had one more stop before I left this place for good.

  The minute I stepped into his tiny box of an office, his eyes went wide with fear and he tried to back up in his chair as I rounded the desk to hover over him. I was inches from his red, puffy face, and I wrapped my fingers around his collar, bringing him forward.

  “I know it was you. You think it’s fun being his puppy dog? He tells you to fetch and you do? Let me give you a piece of advice. When you no longer serve a purpose, he will not hesitate to put you down. Remember that. And if you ever go around her again, I won’t hesitate either.”

  I shoved him back in his chair and walked out. The minute I stepped outside, I stopped and took a deep breath.

  So this was what freedom tasted like.

  “Careless,” I said lightly. “Cara… I’m sorry. It’s a habit I’m trying to break,” I said, referring to her name.

  “It’s okay.”

  “I didn’t... Are you...?” And then I panicked. “Is Ryland okay?”

  “No, he’s fine,” she rushed out, and I inhaled. “I’m sorry. I know. I probably should have called first...” She took in my appearance, and I realized I was still wrapped in a sheet. “But I was afraid... Well, I was afraid you might not want to see me, which you’d have every right.”

  “Of course I’d want to see you, Careless.”

  Careless was the last person, well, one of the last people I expected to see here right now. I hadn’t seen or heard from her since the dinner at her parents’ house. Careless had been my first friend since the accident, and despite what she’d done, I knew she was a good person.

  Like everyone else, she was human and she made a mistake. I wanted very badly to believe she’d done it for no other reason than she’d been backed into a corner. Our first instinct is to fight to survive and by any means possible.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” I said when I realized we were just standing there. “Come in.”

  I moved back, pulling the door with me, so she could come in. She walked into the bright room and I could see her looking around.

  “Sorry it’s so bright. It helps me see where I’m going better.”

  Every window in the small apartment was open and the room was lit by the high morning sun.

  “It’s fine. It’s actually nice. I didn’t realize how dark it is at home until now.”

  “Sit down. I’m going to get dressed. Do you want anything to drink? I have water or tea.” I offered as I went into my room to put on a shirt and a pair of shorts.

  “No, I’m fine,” she said, sitting on the couch.

  “Okay.” Coming back into the living room, I sat on the chair and pulled my legs up to my chest. “How are you, Cara?”

  I could tell she was nervous and unsure, and I tried to put her at ease with the easy stuff first. I knew she wasn’t here just too to catch up on the last few months.

  “I’ve been better. How are you?”

  Well, as of today... “I’ve been better.” I smiled softly at her.

  “I’m so sorry, Araya. I know this is late in coming and I should have told you that night. I was an idiot. I let J.D. get the best of me and your... well, Nina, she couldn’t have possibly picked a better time to... I should have never gone along with it, but I was desperate and I couldn’t see an end in sight.

  “J.D. had just told me I couldn’t go to art school, and I know that sounds like a horrible reason to mess with someone else’s life the way I did, but I was so angry with him. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to get back at him for taking away something I’d worked so hard for. Nina was there and she offered to buy me a cup of coffee, and one thing led to another, and an hour later I was shaking her hand. If I could take that day back, I would in a heartbeat, Araya. “

  “I wouldn’t,” I said.

  “What?” she asked, shocked.

  I looked down at my hands. “I won’t lie and say it didn’t hurt, a lot, but I don’t hate you for it, Cara. I can’t find it in myself to.”

  “But why? You should. You have every right to. What I did was... unforgiveable.”

  “I know the person who agreed to Nina’s plan wasn’t the person who became my friend. You were in a bad place and Nina took full advantage of that. But... it’s because of what happened that I got the chance to get to know you and Ryland and even Sebastian, and I wouldn’t want to change that for anything. Of course I wish it had been another way, but it wasn’t. So I can either hate you or I can see the bigger picture, and that’s what I gained out of this mess.”

  She smirked. “I expected a lot of things from today. I expected you to yell and scream and hate me. I didn’t expect you to be so... compassionate.”

  “We live and we learn, right?”

  “Growing up in the Dare house makes you ruthless, Araya. It fucks with your head until the lines between right and wrong are so damn blurry you don’t know what you’re looking at anymore, and yet with everything that’s been thrown at you, you still find the good in a situation.”

  “I may not have had it easy the last four and half years, Cara, but your sentence has been longer than mine. Everyone deserves a second chance.”

  I can hear Cara’s sad smile when she says, “I wish Ryland looked at it that way, but I guess he’s had it a lot worse than I have. He hates me and I’m scared to death he’ll never forgive me.”

  “I’m sure in time he will, Cara.”

  I didn’t know if Ryland wanted anyone to know he’d been here last night, and I didn’t want to tell Cara just yet.

  “I’m not, Araya. He’s so different since you left.”

  I frowned. “What do you mean?”

  “He’s so hateful. He’s not nearly as bad as J.D., but if anyone had doubts they were related, they don’t now.”

  Her words made my stomach twist. He had mentioned it last night, but Cara made it sound worse.

  “He’s been fighting at The Underground with Sebastian.”

  “What? How long has he been doing that?” The twisting in my gut grew to a dull ache.

  “The last couple of weeks... after he got into a fight at work with one of J.D.’s assistants.”

  “Why’d he fight with him?”

  “No one knows. There wasn’t anyone around until after the fight broke out.” She hesitated. “We work with J.D. now.”
r />   “What? You work there?”

  “After you left, Ryland made a deal with J.D. that if he came to work with him for a year, J.D. would tell him where you were. So he did. I started working there to help Ryland find you, only Ryland didn’t want or need my help. He found you on his own.”

  “Why is he still working there, then?”

  Ryland hadn’t told me why he worked there, and I felt guilty for putting him in that position. “I don’t know. He said you didn’t want to come back, and he probably knows J.D. will do something if he found out.”

  I felt sad that he’d thought I wouldn’t have chosen him. “What do you mean J.D. would do something?”

  “J.D. doesn’t like to lose.”

  Bile crept up my throat.

  “What about school?”

  “I only work part time.”

  “And Ryland?”

  “He stopped going.”

  “And J.D.’s okay with that? He just let him quit?”

  “J.D. doesn’t care. He wants Ryland to be his puppet and he wants him where he can keep an eye on him.”

  “What’s wrong with him?”

  “My guess is he was dropped way too many times as a baby.”

  I laughed despite the seriousness of our conversation. I felt overwhelmed by everything Cara had laid out on the table. I was angry and sad and felt incredibly guilty over everything Ryland was going through. It was all my fault. I left him, thinking I was doing the right thing for both of us, but all I’d done was make things so much worse for him.

  “Ryland doesn’t know I came to see you, but I was hoping you could talk to him. He’ll listen to you. Have you heard from him at all?” Cara asked cautiously.

  “Yes, but it was very brief and not about any of this.”

  “He needs you, Araya.”

  “Do me a favor, Cara.”

  “Anything.”

  “Quit. Please don’t stay there. Get as far away from J.D. as you can, okay?”

  “That shouldn’t be too hard.”

  Cara and I spent the rest of the afternoon talking about everything and anything. I realized how much I’d missed her the last few weeks, and I was glad she’d come to see me. While she talked, I tried hard to keep my focus on her and off Ryland and everything my leaving had put him through.

  When Cara finally said she had to go, I walked her to the door and hugged her.

  “I’m glad you came to see me, Cara.”

  “Me too.” She hugged me harder and then pulled away. I eased the door open and felt the jerk in her body.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Pierce said from the other side of the doorway. “I didn’t realize you had company.”

  “Actually, Cara was just leaving. Cara, this is Pierce. Pierce, Cara.”

  “Nice to meet you, Cara.”

  “You too...”

  She looked back at me.

  “Pierce is my dancing partner. He also goes to the college on the other side of the campus.”

  “I was just coming up to check on you. See how you were doing after last night.”

  Great. Why’d he have to say it like that?

  “Pierce and I had a performance last night for the Mark Vincent Fundraiser Event for MA,” I explained, wondering if Cara had known Ryland was there.

  “Oh,” she said, confirming she did. “So you met my brother, then... Ryland?”

  “Ah, yes, I did.”

  “That must have been... interesting,” Cara said, obviously amused.

  “You have no idea.”

  Cara departed a few minutes later, leaving Pierce and me alone. He offered to take Mak and me to lunch—we were back to group outings. I agreed to go because my stomach was growling and I was determined not to make things weirder between us. I told him I couldn’t stay out long though. He waited while I got ready, and we met Mak at a deli down the street from the school.

  I tried to pretend nothing was wrong, but Mak could see right through me and I promised to tell her later. I did everything I could to keep my mind off Ryland, but that was impossible. I had no idea what I was going to do.

  Thirty minutes later, I was back and my apartment, and I checked with Betty at the front desk to make sure I had no visitors while I was gone. She confirmed that I hadn’t and I tried not to be too disappointed that he wasn’t back yet.

  I waited for Ryland upstairs and hoped he wouldn’t be too much longer. I was worried about him and I knew J.D. wouldn’t take Ryland’s leaving lying down.

  “You’ll do this because if you don’t, I will make sure you live long enough to regret telling me no.”

  …

  “I don’t care how you do it, but it needs to be worth something. Find anything you can on him that I can ruin him with, and if you can’t, make something up.”

  …

  “Be creative. I don’t fucking care. Just get what I need and do it now.”

  …

  “I’m done with you when I say I’m done. Don’t screw this up, Craze.”

  “Holy shit,” Mak said when I explained to her everything that had happened in the past ten months.

  She’d heard most of the sordid details, but now she knew the whole story, including everything that had happened with Pierce.

  “I knew he wanted you.” She gloated, rolling onto her back, chewing nosily on her candy.

  “Seriously? After everything I just told you, that’s what you choose to focus on?”

  “What? I’m just saying!”

  “I’m worried about Ryland. He said he would be back right after, and I haven’t heard from him all day.”

  “Well, let’s go find lover boy, then,” she said, flipping around on the bed.

  My face pinched. “What? No! I don’t know where he is right now.”

  I turned away from her, hoping she wouldn’t see the very brief flash of excitement on my face. That would be all she needed to fuel her already overextended determination. I wanted to see Ryland and make sure everything was okay, and it wouldn’t take much for Mak to convince me that this was a good plan.

  I hadn’t realized she’d gotten up until she spun my chair around. I grabbed the edges to keep from falling over.

  “Don’t hide from me. Besides, I know where to find him. Get ready.” She walked over to the closet and started to tear it apart.

  I turned my chair toward her and watched as faint shadows flew through the air. “What? How?”

  She stopped and turned on me with her hands on her hips. “You’re not a very good listener, Araya.”

  “What are you talking about?”

  “His sister, Careless, whatever... She said lover boy has been hanging out at some place called The Underground. So it’s simple. We go there.”

  I frowned, thinking back on my conversation with Careless. I remembered her saying that because I hated knowing he was fighting.

  “I don’t think The Underground is the best place for us to go. Ryland told me about that place and it’s really rowdy.”

  “It’ll be fine,” she insisted and dismissed all in the same breath.

  “It’s filled with a bunch of drunken fighters, Mak. Plus, we don’t even know if he’ll be there!” I tried to get her to see reason.

  “Fighters are hot, A. Anyway, I’ll be with you the whole time. It’ll be fine. Here, put these on.” She shoved clothes in my hand and walked into the bathroom.

  I changed into what she handed me and a part of me was glad I couldn’t see what she had me wearing, but that didn’t stop me from asking.

  “What do you have me wearing? Or do I even want to know?” I asked, trying to keep the shirt shoulders up, but they kept falling down. “This shirt doesn’t fit me.”

  “It’s just a shirt and shorts. No biggie. You’re doing it wrong. Come here.” She pulled me closer by the hem and adjusted the shirt so it hung off one shoulder. “It goes just like this.” She dropped something at my feet. “Put those boots on.”

  I pulled them on and she dragged me into the bathroom to run
a brush through my hair and curl the ends. She dusted my face with eye shadow, blush and lip-gloss and then sprayed perfume on my bare shoulder and on the inside of my wrists.

  “I don’t think this is necessary,” I told her. “It’s not a very... clean place, based on what Ryland said.”

  She shrugged. “So we’ll stand out.”

  “I don’t think this is the kind of place where you want to stand out.”

  “You always want to stand out, A.”

  I took her by her shoulders. “Just think about this for one minute. Do you really think this is a good idea? I could just call Ryland tomorrow.”

  “Well, you could... or you could do something spontaneous and we could just show up and surprise him.”

  “And if he’s not there?”

  “Then we have a good time so it’s not a wasted trip. Besides, his brother might be there and you can introduce me.”

  I took a deep breath. “Okay, let’s go.”

  “It smells like ass in here,” Makayla complained and pinched her nose so her voice squeaked.

  “I tried to tell you,” I hissed, trying not to touch every sweaty body that filled the entryway.

  I looked around the room, but it was dark and I couldn’t separate one shadow from the next.

  “I don’t... see... lover boy.” Her voice sounded strained as she lifted on tiptoe to look over the crowd.

  “Oh well.” I shrugged. “We tried.”

  She grabbed my arm and held on to me before I could turn around and head toward fresh oxygen.

  “Let’s get something to drink. It’s still early.”

  I groaned but allowed her to pull me toward the small bar off to the side of the room. She pushed us between the others waiting for drinks and whistled to get someone’s attention.

  “What the hell does a girl gotta do to get a drink around here?” The last part of her complaint was nearly screamed.

  “You could try flashing a smile?” a deep voice suggested behind us.

  I turned toward it and heard Mak snicker. “Yeah, like I give those out for just anything... or anybody.” She turned, playing her “not interested” game.