“Oh my gosh, who SBD’d?” Marina cried.
“What’s SBD?” Manny asked just as the smell assaulted his nostrils. “Oh, I get it. Silent but deadly, gross!”
My face turned the color of the fake glass apple that Ms. Waverly kept on her desk.
“It was me, you got a problem with it?” Eddie asked.
“No,” Manny said.
Despite Eddie being nice lately, he could still intimidate our classmates. But why was Eddie claiming my smell?
“Let’s just work on our couplets,” Marina said, trying to cover her nose.
We all went back to work. I tried to think of something clever and funny but I couldn’t concentrate because I was still wondering why Eddie claimed my awful, nasty fart. There had to be a reason. Eddie acted dumb, but he was a mastermind when it came to winning. After a few minutes had passed we decided to share our couplets. Manny went first.
I may be the shortest boy in the class,
But when it comes to a race, I’m first and never last.
“That’s good,” I said and it was true. Manny was the shortest boy in the class and he was the fastest. Even the teachers couldn’t run as fast as Manny and he was the only boy I was taller than.
“The meter is off,” Marina said.
“What?” Manny asked.
“The meter is wrong. If you count the beats or syllables, the first line has ten and the second line has thirteen. It doesn’t flow well,” she added.
Even though Marina was the smartest kid in our class she sometimes acted like a snob.
Manny looked crushed and Marina saw that she’d been too hard on him. “It’s not bad, Manny. It’s certainly true, too. Let me help you.” She took his paper and made a few changes.
“Now listen to it,” she said.
I may be the shortest boy in the class
But when I race, I’m the first not the last.
“Hey, that’s much better,” Manny brightened.
“Except that class and last don’t truly rhyme,” Marina added.
“Who cares, I like it. It’s done,” Manny said. “Let’s hear yours, Marina.”
Marina cleared her throat.
To write a couplet is my endeavor
It must be charming, witty and clever.
“That’s good and it really rhymes,” I said. “But what is an endeavor?”
“It’s the name of one of the first space shuttles,” Eddie offered. “It was actually named after a sea vessel, which is funny because the shuttle was going into space not into the ocean. Weird, huh? Anyway, the captain on the sea vessel Endeavor was Captain Cook.”
Manny interrupted, “Captain Hook? The Captain Hook?”
“No, not Captain Hook, Captain Cook. Captain Hook doesn’t have anything to do with the space program. Captain Hook hunts Peter Pan, not rockets. Captain Cook discovered Hawaii. And then a lot of the Hawaiians got small pox from Cook and his crew and they died.”
“I’m confused,” Manny said. I shook my head in agreement.
“Okay, listen closely,” Eddie said. “Captain James Cook was the captain of a ship and the space shuttle was named after that ship. The ship’s name was Endeavor.”
“Cool,” Manny said. “I should have written mine about space.”
“Oh my gosh, you guys. The word endeavor means a big mission or goal,” Marina explained.
“That’s probably why they named the rocket Endeavor, because it was on a big mission,” I added.
“No, I’m telling you it was named after a ship,” Eddie said.
“Okay, enough talk about rockets and ships. Josh, let’s hear yours.” Marina sighed.
“Okay,” I said and grinned.
Who cut the cheese, I really must know?
The ham sandwich is ready to go.
“That’s funny,” Manny laughed.
“Funny in an immature sort of way,” Marina said.
“Thanks, I think,” I answered. I couldn’t tell if that was a compliment or a cut down. It was always like that with Marina.
“Ham and cheese sounds good,” was all Eddie said.
“Your turn Eddie,” Marina said in a bossy tone.
“Okay, here it goes,” Eddie mumbled.
Roses are red and Josh likes pink
I think Ms. Waverly is really neat.
Marina giggled.
“Something funny?” Eddie said.
“Uh, no,” she said. “But it doesn’t rhyme.”
“What part?” he asked.
“The part that’s supposed to rhyme,” she snapped.
“Like I said, what part?”
“Pink and neat don’t rhyme,” Marina said getting very frustrated.
Eddie asked, “What rhymes with pink then?”
“Stink,” I answered trying to get him back for the “Josh likes pink” line.
“Hey, thanks, Josh,” Eddie said as he erased the old line and scribbled a new one. “How ‘bout this?”
Roses are red and Josh likes pink
Ms. Waverly’s perfume doesn’t stink.
“That works better,” Marina said.
“Thanks,” Eddie said to Marina but looked right at me when he said it.
I could tell by his grin he thought he was going to win. Great, now I was rhyming in my head. I couldn’t wait until this poetry unit was over.
Oh no, that rumbling feeling was back. I could feel another fart coming on. POOF! Another silent but deadly slipped out.
Manny grabbed his nose and gagged.
Marina pulled her shirt over her nose. “Come on, Eddie, enough.”
“That wasn’t me that time. Actually, it wasn’t me the last time either,” Eddie said, looking in my direction.
I felt my face turn beet red, even redder than that stupid fake apple on Ms. Waverly’s desk. My color gave me away.
“Why, Josh, why?” Manny asked.
By now the smell had traveled to the next table group. They laughed and held their noses. Eddie laughed the hardest. He knew my fart didn’t count because it was silent. It had to be loud and stinky to qualify for the bet.
Now the smell had traveled around the entire room. The whole class was holding their noses and giggling.
“What’s the problem?” Ms. Waverly said as she hovered over our group. Somehow she always knew where the trouble started.
Everyone stopped their laughter.
“No problem,” Marina said.
Ms. Waverly nodded. Just then she got a strong whiff of the problem. Then I saw her do something I’d never seen a teacher do. She covered her mouth and nose. She tried to make it look like she was just thinking, but we all knew she was trying not to smell.
Then, another SBD slipped and the smell hit the class instantly. They all roared with laughter. Ms. Waverly pointed to the windows and Eddie stood up and went over to open them. This made the class laugh even harder.
* * *
Ms. Behr reached over to the air freshener and turned the dial all the way up. It was no use. It couldn’t mask the SBD’s I’d been letting during our counseling session. Every time Eddie got a whiff, he cracked up laughing. Eddie had one of those laughs that was infectious. When you heard it, you had to laugh too. Actually, you couldn’t really hear his laugh at all. Eddie just kind of shook all over with his mouth open and no sound came out. It was hilarious. And when he laughed really hard, he cried. He had tears streaming down his face right now. I was wiping tears from my eyes also. Not because I was laughing, which I was, but because the air freshener was so strong.
My biggest problem at the moment was that when I laughed real hard, more farts snuck out. The office was one big smell-fest. Ms. Behr opened the door to let in some fresh air. Too bad there wasn’t a window in her small office.
“Boys, pull yourselves together,” she scolded. “Honestly, it’s just a little gas, it happens to everyone. Now, does one of you boys need to use the bathroom?”
This made us laugh even harder. Ms. Behr just shook her head.
As we hurried out to what was left of our recess, I heard Ms. Behr say under her breath, “Well, at least they’re not fighting.”
I also noticed she didn’t go back into her office. Instead, she headed to the teacher’s lounge. Good move, it was pretty ripe in there.
CHAPTER 9
The creamy oatmeal with sliced bananas was comforting. It slid down my throat and warmed my tummy. According to the internet, bananas, veggies, and foods high in fiber like oatmeal can sometimes cause gas. I decided to give it a try this Tuesday morning.
“Oatmeal today, huh, Josh. I hate oatmeal,” Eddie said as he ate his Cheerios.
“Cheerios are made from oats,” I said.
“Whatever, nerd king.”
“No, really. Look on the box.”
Eddie read the box and laughed. “Oh yeah, it says it’s made from oats. I guess I do like oatmeal, just not the mushy oatmeal. I like it pressed into little round donut shapes. I also like donuts. That must be why I like Cheerios.” Eddie took a huge spoonful and slurped it up.
I couldn’t follow Eddie’s thinking. It was weird how he could be so smart about certain things and so clueless about others. That must be why he didn’t do well in school. Lately, I noticed something really interesting about Eddie. If he watched a show on TV, he remembered everything about it. It was like all the information got stuck in his brain forever. But if he read something, he forgot it almost instantly. I wondered if I should mention it to my dad or Allie or even Ms. Waverly.
“Here’s your healthy lunch,” Allie said and handed me my lunch bag. She handed one to Eddie also.
“Thanks.”
“I’m glad to see you eating healthy. I packed carrots, celery and orange slices, just like you asked. I also threw in a sandwich, too.” Allie handed a second bag to Eddie. “I packed the same for you.”
“What? Only one sandwich. Come on, mom. I need at least two.” Eddie said.
“Eddie, I don’t know if you noticed or not but you are losing weight and I don’t think you need two sandwiches anymore,” Allie said.
I looked at Eddie; he did seem to be shrinking around the middle. Maybe it was because he wasn’t eating all those cookies and junk he used to take from our classmates on the bus.
“Fine. One sandwich, but couldn’t you put in some chips?” Eddie asked.
“A few carrots and orange slices never hurt anyone,” Allie laughed and went back into the kitchen.
“Look on the bright side, Eddie. At least we won’t get scurvy,” I added.
“That’s pretty funny,” Eddie said and chased me out of the dining room.
* * *
When we came back to our classroom after lunch, this was written on the board:
Pink cherry blossoms
Sweet-scented, lovely petals
Spring time has arrived
“This is an example of a Haiku. It is a Japanese poem. Usually it focuses on a season or time of year. You will notice that the first line has five syllables, the second line has seven and the third line has five again. It does not have to rhyme,” Ms. Waverly said. “Please break up into your groups and begin working on your Haikus.”
We got up and moved to our stations.
“We should each take a different season. Then maybe Ms. Waverly will put ours up on the poetry board,” Marina said.
Ms. Waverly created a special bulletin board just for our poems. She said she would pick four or five really good poems each day. Whoever she picked got to read their poem in front of the class. Marina read hers yesterday. Eddie’s didn’t get picked yesterday. Thank goodness.
“You already have one poem up there,” Manny said.
“True, but I love writing and I’m good at it so I should get one poem up there each day,” she said.
“Yeah, you should really try to do that,” I said secretly thinking it would limit Eddie’s chances if Marina got one up each day. If Eddie didn’t read his in front of the class, he would lose the bet.
“Thanks, Josh. Now, I’ll take winter and Manny you can have summer. Josh can take spring and Eddie will take fall,” she said in a bossy tone.
“I’m already working on spring, so buzz off,” Eddie grumbled as he worked on his Haiku.
“Fine, then Josh can take fall.” she pouted. She wasn’t about to cross Eddie.
“Sure,” I said. Normally I would have told her to quit being so bossy, but I needed her as an ally. We spent the next fifteen minutes writing and counting syllables on our hands. Finally we were ready to share.
“Who wants to go first?” Manny asked.
I thought Marina would raise her hand but she was kind of quiet. Maybe Eddie had hurt her feelings.
“I’ll go,” I said.
Fall is here today
Leaves starting to fall away
Fall, fall, fall, fall, fall.
“That’s good,” Manny said.
Marina snorted.
“What’s wrong with it?” I asked her.
“Well, first of all, Ms. Waverly said that it didn’t have to rhyme,” she said.
“She didn’t say it couldn’t rhyme.” Manny came to my defense.
She continued on as if Manny hadn’t said anything. “And the last line just repeats the same word five times.”
“I’m good with that,” I answered.
She just rolled her eyes. “Why don’t you go next Manny.”
“Okay,” he said nervously.
Now it’s summertime
Let’s swim in the pool all day
Splash, splash, splash, splash, splash
“I really like it!” I said.
“Come on. It has the exact same problem as yours does,” Marina sighed.
“That’s why I like it,” I added.
“It just repeats the word splash five times.”
“Why don’t you help him fix it instead of being so bossy? Since you’re so good at writing and all,” Eddie said. For a moment, the old Eddie was back.
Marina looked a little stunned. That was the second time Eddie had put her in her place. She blinked a few times and looked away for a moment. Her eyes seemed a little teary. Maybe she didn’t know she was bossy. Or maybe she didn’t realize how hard school was for Eddie.
“Actually, it’s not bad, Manny. But I do have a suggestion if you would like to make it better,” she said apologetically.
“Sure,” Manny said. Nothing ruffled Manny’s feathers. He was good-natured.
“Maybe you could add some different words on the last line that described swimming,” she said.
“Yeah, like dive,” I added.
“Or cannonball!” Eddie piped in.
Manny scribbled furiously at the suggestions. I decided to take Marina’s advice too and I changed some of my words. In the end here’s how our Haikus changed:
Now it’s summertime
Let’s swim in the pool all day
Splash, dive, cannonball!
Fall is here today
Leaves starting to fall away
Fall, drop, swoosh, slide, fall.
We all agreed they both sounded better even though mine still had two falls in it.
“I’ll go now,” Marina said and then added, “Unless you want to go next Eddie.”
“Naw, go ahead,” he said.
Brittle, delicate
Icy, translucent beauty
Winter icicle
“That was great,” I said.
“What’s translucent?” Manny asked.
“It means you can see light through something but can’t see through it perfectly,” she answered.
“Oh, I get it. When you look through an icicle, everything looks kind of white and funny.” Manny said. Marina finally smiled.
“My turn,” Eddie said gruffly.
Spring flowers are not
As beautiful as Ms. Wav
-
erly my teacher
“You like Ms. Waverly?” Manny asked.
“Yeah, she’s my favorite teacher. You got a problem with that?” Eddie asked.
“No, she’s nice. No problem,” Manny back-peddled.
“Can I make a suggestion?” Marina pried cautiously.
“Suit yourself,” Eddie answered.
It’s not bad, it’s just a little confusing where you break Ms. Waverly’s name up onto two different lines.”
“Yeah, it stinks. I know,” Eddie said.
“When you write poetry, it’s like you are expressing yourself. What else do you like? I mean besides Ms. Waverly?” she said as a small grin played around the corners of her mouth.
“I guess I like Halloween. Last year I went as the Swamp Ape,” he answered.
“What’s a Swamp Ape?” she said.
Wow, Marina didn’t know something.
“It’s kind of like Bigfoot but he lives in the Everglades in Florida. Oh yeah, and he really stinks. Sometimes he’s called the Skunk Ape,” he added.
“Is that why you smelled last year at Halloween?” I asked remembering how Eddie reeked when I passed by him while trick or treating. Well, not so much as passed by as when he knocked me into the bushes and took most of my candy.
“No, the costume was just really hot and I forgot to wear deodorant.”
“Yeah, you did stink,” Manny said, forgetting who he was talking, too. “But it was a cool costume. All big and hairy. I didn’t know it was the Swamp Ape. I thought you were Bigfoot.”
“That’s a common mistake. Many people confuse the Swamp Ape for Bigfoot, or ‘Sasquatch’ as Native Americans call him. Some people also confuse him with the Abominable Snowman or ‘Yeti’ as he is known in the Himalayans. Rumor has it, that if you shoot at the Swamp Ape, you’ll find scales under his fur,” Eddie said.
“How do you know all that?” Manny asked in wonder.
The Underwear Dare: Nerd vs. Bully! Page 6