“I learned about it when I was watching a show called Bigfoot, the Abominable Snowman and the Swamp Ape. It was pretty good.”
“Maybe you should write about that,” Marina suggested.
“Okay,” Eddie said and began writing enthusiastically.
Marina and Manny went to turn in their poems.
“Don’t forget the bet,” I whispered to Eddie. I didn’t want him to win but I knew he couldn’t put all that and a love letter to Ms. Waverly in the same Haiku. I needed him to fail.
Marina and Manny returned. Eddie declared his Haiku complete.
“Here it goes,” he announced.
Things I think are great
Big Foot, Yeti, the Swamp Ape
And Ms. Waverly
“I even got it to rhyme.” Eddie smiled to himself.
“Wow, that’s better than Marina’s,” Manny said.
Marina looked shocked. I was devastated. I didn’t think he could pull it off. I was wrong. Come to think of it, I’d noticed I’d been wrong more than right when it came to Eddie. I had to increase my game.
Eddie or the Swamp Ape?
While I munched happily on carrots and celery sticks, I realized that lunchtime was more fun when Eddie sat at our table. I watched Eddie look down at his orange slices and knew he wouldn’t be able to eat them like a normal person.
Eddie stuck an orange wedge in his mouth and pretended to be a monster. He went from table to table growling at everyone until a lunchroom monitor told him to go sit down. Too late, everyone was already laughing, including me.
“What’s that?” Paul asked when he looked at my sandwich.
I unwrapped the sandwich and surveyed it. “It looks like alfalfa sprouts, cucumbers, tomatoes and some kind of white cheese on wheat bread. It’s really healthy,” I told him. Wow, Allie really went overboard.
“It doesn’t look that good to me,” Paul said as he bit into his peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
“For your information, it is delicious,” I answered and took a bite. I tried to keep a smile on my face because the sandwich was awful. Although I didn’t care, I just wanted it to work its magic. I looked at Eddie to see if he liked the sandwich.
I watched Eddie bite into a salami and cheese sandwich on Italian bread. Then he swallowed hard and picked up another sandwich, this time it was a bologna and cheese sandwich and he took an even bigger bite.
“Where’d you get those sandwiches?” I asked. My question was answered when I saw Chelsea and Marina splitting the sandwich Allie had made for Eddie.
“What? It looked good,” Chelsea said.
“Yeah, like a salad on bread,” Marina said.
“It’s not bad, especially after we put some ranch dressing on it,” Chelsea added.
I quickly grabbed a few ranch packets from the salad bar and smothered my sandwich. It tasted much better. Then out of the blue, it happened. A glorious fart to be heard throughout the cafetorium. This time I wasn’t embarrassed, I was excited. I had won my portion of the bet!
The entire cafetorium burst into laughter. All eyes were on me.
“Josh, why?” Chelsea asked.
I shrugged my shoulders like I didn’t know why.
“Awesome!” Paul said.
Several teachers gave me dirty looks, but I saw a few of them laughing, too.
After the craziness had died down, I leaned over to Eddie. “So, what do you think?”
“I think that’s the loudest fart I’ve ever heard. Even louder than Carter the Farter’s famous farts,” Eddie said.
I couldn’t help but beam with a little pride. Last year Carter the Farter gave Eddie a run for his money for the best farter in school. “Thanks,” I said.
“Wait, I didn’t finish. I meant to say that was the loudest fart I’ve heard that didn’t smell.” Eddie smirked.
Oh, no! He was right. It didn’t smell. It was just really loud. It had to be loud and smelly for me to win. I was upset and that wasn’t the worst part. I felt another coming on.
BBBRRRROOUT!!! Great, loud with no smell! Chelsea and Marina were staring at me with their mouths open.
“Maybe it was the sandwich,” I told them sheepishly.
They both pushed Allie’s homemade sandwich away. I’ve never heard so much laughing in my life.
CHAPTER 10
On Wednesday morning, I knew if I combined the foods I had eaten in the last two days I would have the perfect farting combination. My dad made me oatmeal and eggs. The eggs would provide the smell and the oatmeal the fiber.
“Oatmeal and eggs. Weird breakfast,” Eddie said as he ate a bowl of Cheerios and a plate of eggs.
“It’s the same thing you’re having,” I said impatiently.
“Ah, no it isn’t. I’m having cereal and eggs,” Eddie said. I guess he forgot that Cheerios were made of oats. That didn’t take long.
“Hey Allie,” I called from the table. “Can I have another lunch like yesterday? Except maybe a little ham on my sandwich? Pretty please?”
“No problem, I’ll pack one for you too Eddie.” she said.
“Hey, mom. That sandwich was great but maybe you could leave off the alfalfa sprouts this time?”
“Okay, dear,” Allie replied.
“And maybe leave off the cucumbers and tomatoes and lettuce.”
“So you just want a ham sandwich,” she asked.
“No, you can put cheese on it,” Eddie said.
“So, you want a plain ham and cheese sandwich. Is that it?”
“Perfect.” Eddie look relieved.
* * *
When we walked into class this morning there were three words written in big letters on the white board: Heart, Eagle, and Mountain. I had a feeling this had something to do with our next poetry assignment.
Ms. Waverly drew a heart next to the word heart. It was a little lopsided. She tried to draw an eagle next to the word eagle, but it looked more like a turkey or vulture. “Okay class, as you can see today our poems will have a theme.”
I was right. I knew it was about poetry.
Ms. Waverly erased the vulture-like bird and started over. Now her eagle looked like a scary penguin. There was a sprinkling of laughter throughout the room. She erased the penguin and gave a loud sigh.
“Ms. Waverly,” Eddie said.
“Yes, Eddie?”
“If you want, I can draw an eagle for you.” The room grew quiet. Eddie never volunteered in class.
Ms. Waverly looked relieved. “Yes, please, Eddie. Come up here and draw an eagle.”
Eddie strutted his way up to the board and proceeded to draw an eagle. “See Ms. Waverly, you just gotta draw a small oval for the head and a larger oval for the body,” Eddie said as he drew with the marker. “Then draw a neck between the head and body to connect it together.”
Eddie was on a roll. It was really fun to watch him draw. Every line he drew fit perfectly into the next.
“Then you have to draw a beak. Of course everyone knows that an eagle’s beak turns down at the tip,” he said as he sketched.
It was true. An eagle’s beak did turn down at the tip. I’d never noticed before.
“Then add a few wings, and a tail and you’re done.”
We all looked at the eagle in amazement, but no one more so than Ms. Waverly. Paul started clapping his hands and soon everyone joined in, including Ms. Waverly.
“My Eddie, I had no idea how well you could draw. Did you visualize an eagle before your drew it?”
“Um, I have a really cool poster of an eagle. I just thought back to what that poster looked like.”
“That’s astonishing. Very good, Eddie. Would you like to draw some mountains next to the word mountain?” she asked.
“Sure.” Eddie went back to drawing on the board. The mountain wasn’t as impressive as the eagle, but I bet it was better than what anyone else could draw. Most kids would just draw an upside down letter V for a mountain, but not Eddie. He drew a whole mountain range. And the mountains
looked real, too. They had lumps and bumps and overlapped each other. He even drew the tops of the mountains covered in snow. I bet Mr. Cutler, our art teacher, couldn’t draw mountains that good.
“Thank you, Eddie. You can go back to your seat. Actually class, please get into your poetry groups. This assignment today is called free verse.”
Ms. Waverly stopped talking while we moved our desks and got into our poetry stations. Once we were all settled she started up again.
“This poem will be the most fun to write,” she said.
Manny rolled his eyes at me. I agreed.
Ms. Waverly explained we were to create our free verse by listing words that fit with the symbols we chose. Manny and I picked the awesome eagle Eddie drew. Marina picked the mountain, and of course, Eddie had to pick the heart for Ms. Waverly.
“I think I will make my poem more metaphoric than realistic,” Marina told us.
“What?” Manny said.
Marina rolled her eyes at all of us. She must be getting sick of sitting next to us and having to explain everything she said.
“I mean, I’m going to write about a mountain but not really about a mountain.”
None of us understood that. She huffed like a girl and lowered her head to work on her poem. I couldn’t swear but I think I heard her mumble, “Idiots”.
“Now class, since I expect at least four lines of free verse, these poems won’t be due until Friday. You will not have time to work on them tomorrow because of our scheduled field trip,” Ms. Waverly said.
Eddie raised his hand.
“Yes, Eddie?”
“Will we have time on Friday to read our poems? Because if not I could quickly finish this now and read it today.”
“Well, I certainly appreciate your enthusiasm but I want you all to take your time with this assignment. So no poems will be read today. They can be read on Friday. Plus, I really want to see the connection between your words and the symbols on the board,” Ms. Waverly said.
Eddie’s hand slowly went down. He looked crushed. But then he looked at me and said, “I can do this.”
Manny said, “Josh didn’t say you couldn’t.”
“Yeah, maybe not out loud but he was thinking it.” Eddie said.
Eddie was right, I was thinking it. How did he know?
Marina looked up from her paper. “Eddie, it’s not so bad if you start like Ms. Waverly said and make a list of words that you think of when you see a heart.”
“Right, I can do this,” Eddie said again and began writing.
Manny and I decided to combine our list of words since we were both doing eagles. It was easier when we worked together.
After about fifteen minutes Ms. Waverly told us to share our words with our group. Eddie went first.
“I wrote down human organ, blood, blood vessels, pumping, valves, transplant…”
“Hold up. Those are very good words and very graphic. Do you have any words that aren’t so scientific?” Marina asked.
“Um, yeah.” Eddie looked to the bottom of his page. “I have deck of cards, cobwebs, spiders…”
“Wait. How do they remind you of a heart?” Manny said. I kept quiet. There was no way Eddie was going to get his poem read on Friday.
“Before my parents split up, we used to play a card game called Hearts. It was really fun. I won most of the time.”
I didn’t know that about Eddie. He rarely talked about things he did when his parents were together.
“I’ve heard of that game,” Marina said. “It does sound fun.”
“Okay, so deck of cards makes sense but what about spiders and cobwebs?” Manny asked.
“There was this one time when I was outside near the back fence of my old house. I was hunting for dinosaur bones.”
All of our eyes got wide. “Did you find one?” I couldn’t help but ask.
“That’s a completely different story.” Eddie cleared his throat. “Now while I had my head down looking for footprints, fossils, anything to do with a dinosaur, I felt the hair on my neck stand up. I mean I felt like there was something there, something ready to get me. I was afraid to look up.”
We all held our breath. We were hanging on every word. Eddie sure could tell a story.
“I slowly raised my head. Staring me straight in the eyes was the biggest spider I’d ever seen. I froze. It was looking at me as if I were lunch. I knew it could eat me if it wanted to, it was that big.”
“What’d you do?” Manny whispered.
“I did what any good dinosaur hunter would do. I jumped back fast, really fast. Easily four or five feet in one quick movement. That’s when I noticed it. The spider’s cobweb was in the shape of a huge heart. It was one of the most incredible things I’d ever seen. I tried to get my mom to come and see it but she hates spiders and was worried it could be poisonous. So I had to admire it alone. The next day I went to see it and it was gone.”
“Good story, I see why you picked those words. Maybe you could find some way to use them in your poem,” Marina said.
“Yeah, use them. Most people think of Valentine’s Day when they see a heart but cobwebs are so much better,” I said, knowing that no one but the three of us would understand his poem, especially Ms. Waverly.
“Valentine’s Day! That’s a great idea. I never even thought of that. Thanks, Josh.” Eddie added Valentine’s Day to his list of words.
Me and my great, big mouth.
* * *
The raindrops slipped down the cafetorium windowpane. Nothing was worse than rain on PE day. Coach Fox reached into the closet and pulled the parachute out. The parachute! Probably the funnest thing to do in PE ever! Nothing was better than rain on PE day.
Coach Fox unfurled the parachute to the squeals and delights of the entire class. We all stood around it and grabbed an edge. It felt silky smooth even though it was a bit tattered and frayed from years of use but we didn’t care. We all loved it.
Coach Fox had us warm-up by making waves. First she told us to make little waves by moving our hands and wrists. Next, we made big waves by moving our entire arms. Then Coach Fox placed a ball of yarn on the parachute and we had to keep making waves until the yarn unrolled. It was taking forever, but it was fun. The hardest part was trying to keep it from going through the hole in the middle.
While we were playing, I felt the pressure start to build in my intestines. I knew I could let a world class fart in PE.
“Hey, Eddie,” I yelled over our shrieking classmates, “Does it count if I let a fart in front of Coach Fox? She’s our teacher just not our classroom teacher.”
“Yeah, it’s cool. I don’t care. Whatever,” was all he said.
I noticed that Eddie had been getting a little nicer lately. I didn’t know why. I wondered if it was because he was finding out that when he was nice to people, they were nicer to him. Come to think of it, he was actually doing better in school too. Weird.
“Now, it’s time for Under the Mountain!” Coach Fox announced.
The entire class burst in cheers. Under the Mountain was the best part of parachute day. These were the rules: Everyone fluffs the parachute really high into the air. Then, as it’s floating down you grabbed the edge and tucked it under your bottom and sit down really fast. It’s so cool because every kid can see everyone else under the parachute mountain. Then the parachute drifts down and covers us all.
“Here we go!” Coach Fox said, and blew her whistle. At the exact same moment I let a fart that would put a band of trumpets to shame. The problem was that no one heard it because of the whistle.
Kids screamed and laughed and tucked the parachute under their bottoms. We were all engulfed in a sea of color but, oh the smell! My fart was world class, even out doing Eddie’s in raunchiness and odor. My poor classmates were trapped Under the Smelly Mountain!
As the fart progressed around the dome, kids scrambled for the little hole in the middle of the chute, just to get a whiff of fresh air. I couldn’t figure out why they just
didn’t step out from under the parachute. It would have been easier. Maybe the odor was somehow fogging up their brains.
Chaos was abundant as kids tripped over each other and clawed their way to the little hole. I could see Eddie laughing his pants off. The parachute drifted over the entire class and body parts became tangled. It took Coach Fox five minutes to free us all and another five minutes to find out what had happened. Of course, I was much too cowardly to admit to the fart. Plus, no one heard it so it didn’t count. Only Eddie knew and he didn’t even rat me out. How odd. I guess parachute day wasn’t so fun after all.
CHAPTER 11
What was going on? It was Thursday and Eddie was sprawled out in the back seat of the school bus as usual but this time he wasn’t alone. Everyone knew he always sat in the back and normally no one dared to sit back there next to him. But today it was different. Everyone seemed to want to hang out in the back of the bus. I bet it was because Ms. Waverly was on board on account of our field trip. Kids knew Eddie wouldn’t do anything wrong in front of her. That had to be it. Didn’t it?
“So then I challenged him to a spit off,” Eddie said.
“Ew, what’s that?” Chelsea asked.
“That’s when both guys spit and whoever spits the farthest wins,” Paul answered.
“Yes, but also if you can make your spit bounce you are the winner even if it doesn’t go as far as the other guy’s does,” Manny added.
“Spit doesn’t bounce,” Marina said.
“Ah, yeah it does if it has enough snottiness to it. Everyone knows that,” Eddie said annoyed.
“You guys are gross,” Marina said but continued to listen to the story.
“So who won?” Chelsea asked.
“I did of course. It was a double victory because I spit the farthest and it bounced.” Eddie beamed.
A horrible, sulfuric smell hung in the air. And for once it wasn’t me. Yep, we’d arrived at our field trip destination spot: the water treatment plant.
Ms. Waverly stood at the front of the bus. “Listen up. You kids are in for a real treat. You get to see first hand how the water we use everyday gets cleaned and purified so we may use it again.”
The Underwear Dare: Nerd vs. Bully! Page 7