The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  The stagecoach made its rounds between Liptai and Velitchovo thrice a fortnight. While Jillo sat out the journey caked with dried blood and sunk in gloom, the equally blood-soaked Eudoric kept his mind off his filthy, stinking state by studying the passing countryside. When possible, he queried the driver about his occupation: pay, hours, fares, the cost of the vehicle, and so on. At last the man tired of his odorous questioner and brusquely ordered him to sit on the dickey seat projecting from the rear of the vehicle, where his fragrance would less offend the other passengers.

  As they neared the capital, the driver whipped his team to a gallop. They rattled along the highroad beside the muddy river Pshora until the stream made a bend. Then they thundered across it on the planks of a bridge.

  Velitchovo was an impressive city, with a cobble-stoned main street leading to the onion-domed, red-black-and-golden cathedral of the One God. In a massively-timbered municipal palace, a bewhiskered magistrate asked: "Which of you two aliens truly slew the beast?"

  "The younger, hight Eudoric," said Voytsik.

  "Nay, Your Honor, 'twas I!" said Jillo.

  "That is not what he said when we came upon them red-handed from their crime," said Voytsik. "This lean fellow plainly averred that his companion had done the deed, and the other denied it not."

  "I can explain that," said Jillo. "I am the servant of the most worshipful squire, Eudoric Dambertson of Arduen. We set forth to slay the creature, thinking this a noble and heroic deed that should redound to our glory on earth and our credit in Heaven. Whereas we both took part in the act, the fatal stroke was delivered by your humble servant here. Howsomever, wishing like a good servant for all the glory to go to my master, I gave him the utter credit, not knowing that this should be counted as blame."

  "What say ye to that, Master Eudoric?" asked the judge. >

  "Jillo's account is essentially true," said Eudoric. "I must confess, all the same, that my failure to slay the beast was due to mischance and not to want of intent."

  "Methinks they utter a pack of lies to confuse the court," said Voytsik. "I have told Your Honor of the circumstances of their arrest, whence ye may judge how matters stand."

  The judge put his fingertips together. "Master Eudoric," he said, "ye may plead innocent, or as incurring sole guilt, or as guilty jointly with your servant. I do not think that ye can escape some guilt, since Goodman Jillo, being your servant, acted under your orders. Ye are therefore responsible for his acts and at the very least a fautor of dragocide."

  "What happens if I plead innocent?" asked Eudoric.

  "Why, in that case, an ye can find an attorney, ye shall be tried in due course. Bail can plainly not be allowed to foreign travelers, who can so easily slip from the grip of the law."

  "In other words, I needs must stay in jail until my case come up. How long will that take?"

  "Since our calendar be crowded, 'twill be at least a year and a half. Whereas, an ye plead guilty, all is settled in a trice."

  "Then I plead sole guilt," said Eudoric.

  "But, dear Master—" wailed Jillo.

  "Hold thy tongue, Jillo! I know what I do." Turning to the judge, Eudoric added: "Furthermore, Your Honor, I do solemnly declare Jillo to be completely innocent, imprimis: because as the court said, he acted under my orders; and secundus: because his action was aimed, not at any gain of's own, but at saving his master from the monster's maw, as any good and faithful servant would do."

  The judge chuckled. "An old head on young shoulders, I perceive. Well, Master Eudoric, I find you guilty on all four counts and amerce you the wonted fine, which be one hundred marks on each count."

  "Four hundred marks!" exclaimed Eudoric. "Our total combined resources, at this moment, amount to fourteen marks and thirty-seven pence, plus some items of property left with Master Kasmar in Liptai."

  "So, ye shall serve out the corresponding prison term, which comes to one mark a day—unless ye can find someone to pay the balance for you. Take him away, jailer."

  "But, Your Honor!" cried Jillo. "What shall I do without my noble master? When shall I see him again?"

  "Ye may visit him any day during visiting hours. It were well if ye brought him somewhat to eat, for our prison fare be not of the daintiest."

  -

  At the first available visiting hour, Jillo pleaded to be allowed to share Eudoric's sentence. He wailed:

  "Oh, the disgrace of it, that the scion of the noble house of Arduen be mewed up like a common peasant or mechanic! I had a thousand times rather serve your sentence myself—"

  "Be not a bigger fool than thou canst help!" snapped Eudoric. "I took sole blame so that you should be free to run mine errands; whereas, had I shared my guilt with you, we had both been clapped up here. Take this letter to Doctor Raspiudus, seek him out, and acquaint him with our plight. If he be in sooth a true friend of our own Doctor Baldonius, belike he'll come to our rescue."

  -

  Doctor Raspiudus was short and fat, with a bushy white beard to his waist. "Ah, dear old Baldonius!" he cried in good Helladic. "I mind me of when we were lads together at the Arcane College of Saalingen University! Doth he still string verses together?"

  "Aye, betimes he does," said Eudoric.

  "Now, young man, I daresay that your chiefest desire is to escape this foul hole, is't not?"

  "That, and to recover our three remaining animals and other possessions left behind in Liptai, and to depart the land with the two square yards of dragon hide that I've promised to Doctor Baldonius, with enough money to see us home."

  "Methinks all these matters were easily arranged, young sir. I need only your power of attorney, to enable me to go to Liptai, recover the objects in question, and return hither to pay your fine and release you. Your firearm is, I fear, lost to you, having been confiscated by the law."

  " 'Twere of little use without a new supply of the magical powder," said Eudoric. "Your plan sounds splendid; but, sir, what do you get out of this?"

  The enchanter rubbed his hands together. "Why, the pleasure of favoring an old friend—and also a chance to acquire most of a dragon's hide for mine own purposes. I know somewhat of Baldonius' experiments. An he can do thus-and-so with two yards of dragon, I can surely do more with a score."

  "How will you obtain this dragon hide?"

  "By now the foresters will have skinned the beast and salvaged the other parts of monetary worth, all of which will be put up at auction for the benefit of the kingdom. And I shall bid them in." Raspiudus chuckled. "When the other bidders know against whom they shillaber, I misdoubt they'll force the price up very far."

  "Why can't you get me out of here now and then go on to Liptai?"

  Another chuckle. "My dear boy, erst I must see that all be as ye say in Liptai. After all, I have only your word that ye be in sooth the Eudoric Dambertson of whom Baldonius writes. So bide ye here in patience a few days more. I'll see that ye be sent better aliment than the slop served here. And now, pray, your authorization. Here are pen and ink."

  -

  To keep from starvation, Jillo got a job as a paver's helper and made hasty visits to the jail during his lunch hour. When a fortnight had passed without a word from Doctor Raspiudus, Eudoric told Jillo to go to the wizard's home for an explanation.

  "They turned me away at the door," reported Jillo. "They told me that the learned doctor had never heard of us."

  As the import of this news sank in, Eudoric cursed and beat the wall in his rage. "That filthy, treacherous he-witch! He gets me to sign that power of attorney; then, when he has my property in his greasy paws, he conveniently forgets about us! By the God and Goddess, if I ever catch him—"

  "Here, here, what's all this noise?" said the jailer. "Ye disturb the other prisoners."

  When Jillo explained the cause of his master's outrage, the jailer laughed. "Why, everyone knows that Raspiudus be the worst skinflint and treacher in Velitchovo! Had ye asked me, I'd have warned you."

  "Why has none of his victims
slain him in revenge?" queried Eudoric.

  "We are a law-abiding folk, sir. We do not permit private persons to indulge their feuds on their own, and we have some most ingenious penalties for homicide."

  "Mean ye," said Jillo, "that amongst you Pathenians, a gentleman may not avenge an insult by the gage of battle?"

  "Of course not! We are not bloodthirsty barbarians."

  "Ye mean there are no true gentlemen amongst you," sniffed Jillo.

  "Then, Master Tiolkhof," said Eudoric, calming himself by force of will, "am I stuck here for a year and more?"

  "Aye, but ye may get time off for good behavior at the end—three or four days, belike."

  When the jailer had gone, Jillo said: "When ye be free, Master, ye must needs uphold your honor by challenging this runagate to the trial of battle, to the death."

  Eudoric shook his head. "Heard you not what Tiolkhof said? These folk deem duelling barbarous and boil the duellists in oil, or something equally entertaining. Anyway, Raspiudus could beg off on grounds of age. We must, instead, use what wits the Holy Couple gave us. I wish now that I'd sent you back to Liptai to fetch our belongings and never meddled with this roly-poly sorcerer."

  "True, dear Master, but how could ye know? I should probably have bungled the task in any case, what of my ignorance of the tongue and all."

  -

  After another fortnight, King Vladmor of Pathenia died. When his son Yogor ascended the throne, he declared a general amnesty for all offenses lesser than murder. Thus Eudoric found himself out in the street again, but without horse, armor, weapons, or money beyond a few marks.

  That night in their mean little cubicle, Eudoric said: "Jillo, we must needs somehow get into Raspiudus' house. As we saw today, 'tis a big demesne with high, stout wall around it."

  "An ye could get a store of that black powder, we could blast a breach in the wall."

  "But we have no such stuff or means of getting it, unless we raid the royal armory, which is beyond our powers."

  "Then how about climbing a tree near the wall and letting ourselves down by ropes inside from a convenient branch?"

  "A promising plan, if there were such an overhanging tree. But there isn't, as you saw as well as I when we scouted the place. Let me think. Raspiudus must have supplies borne into his stronghold from time to time. I misdoubt his wizardry be potent enough to conjure foodstuffs out of the air."

  "Mean ye that we should seek entrance as, say, a brace of chicken farmers with eggs to sell?"

  "Just so. But nay, that won't do. Raspiudus is no fool. Knowing of this amnesty that enlarged me, he'll be on the watch for such a trick. At least, so should I be in his room, and I credit him with no less wit than mine own ... I have it! What visitor would be likely to call upon him now, one whom he would not have seen for many a year but whom he would hasten to welcome?"

  "That I know not, sir."

  Eudoric said: "Who would wonder what had become of us and, detecting our troubles in his magical scry-glass, would follow upon our track by uncanny means?"

  "Oh, ye mean Doctor Baldonius!"

  "Aye; my whiskers have grown nigh as long as his since last I shaved. And we're much of a size."

  "But I never heard that your old tutor could fly about on an enchanted broomstick, as some of the mightiest magicians are said to do."

  "Belike he can't, but that is something Doctor Raspiudus would not know."

  "Mean ye," said Jillo, "that ye've a mind to play Doctor Baldonius? Or to have me play him? The latter would never do—"

  "I know, good my Jillo. You lack the learned patter proper to wizards and other philosophers."

  "Won't Raspiudus recognize you, sir? As ye say, he's a shrewd old villain."

  "He's seen me but once, in that dark, dank cell, and that for a mere quarter-hour. Methinks I can disguise myself well enough to befool him—unless you have a better notion."

  "Alack, I have none! Then what part shall I play?"

  "I had thought of going in alone—"

  "Nay, sir; dismiss the thought! Me, let my master risk his mortal body and immortal soul in a witch's lair without my being there to help him—"

  "If you help me the way you did by touching off that firearm whilst our dragon was out of range—"

  "Ah, but who threw the torch and saved us in the end? Besides, a man of the good doctor's standing would not travel about without an attendant or servant. What disguise shall I wear?"

  "Since Raspiudus knows you not, there's no need for any. You shall be Baldonius' servant as you are mine."

  "Ye forget, sir," said Jillo, "that if Raspiudus know me not, his gatekeepers might. Forsooth, they're like to recall me because of the noisy protests I made when they barred me out."

  "Hm. Well, you're too old for a page, too lank for a bodyguard, and too unlearned for a wizard's assistant. I have it! You shall go as my concubine!"

  "Oh, Heaven above, sir, not that! I am a normal man! I should never live it down!"

  Eudoric smiled. "Then each of us shall have a hold on the other. If you'll hold your tongue on events wherein I have appeared in less than heroic light, I will keep mum about your disguise."

  To the massive gate before Raspiudus' house came Eudoric, with a patch over one eye and his beard, uncut for a month, bleached white. A white wig cascaded down from under his hat. He presented a note, in a plausible imitation of Baldonius' hand, to the gatekeeper:

  Doctor Baldonius of Treveria presents his compliments to his old friend and colleague Doctor Raspiudus of Velitchovo, and begs the favor of an audience, to discuss the apparent disappearance of two young protégés of his.

  A pace behind, stooping to disguise his stature, slouched a rouged and powdered Jillo in woman's dress. If Jillo was a homely man, he made a hideous woman, at least as far as his face could be discerned beneath the head cloth. Nor was his beauty enhanced by the dress, whch Eudoric had stitched together out of tacky cloth. The garment looked like what it was: the work of a rank amateur at dressmaking.

  "My master begs you to enter," said the gatekeeper.

  "Why, dear old Baldonius!" cried Raspiudus, rubbing his hands together. "Ye've not changed a mite since those glad, mad days at Saalingen! Do ye still string verses?"

  "Betimes. Ye've withstood the ravages of time well yourself, Raspiudus," said Eudoric in an imitation of Baldonius' voice. He added:

  "As fly the years, the geese fly north in spring;

  Ah, would the years, like geese, return awing!"

  -

  Raspiudus roared with laughter, patting his paunch. "The same old Baldonius! Made ye that verse but now?"

  Eudoric made a deprecatory motion. "I am a mere poetaster; but, had not the higher wisdom claimed my allegiance, I might have made some small mark in poesy."

  "What befell your poor eye?"

  "My own carelessness in leaving open a corner of a pentacle. The demon got in a swipe of's claws ere I could banish him. But now, good Raspiudus, I have a matter to discuss, whereof I told you in my note—"

  "Yea, yea, time enow for that. Be ye weary from the road? Need ye baths? Aliment? Drink?"

  "Not yet, old friend. We have but now come from Velitchovo's best hostelry."

  "Then let me show you my house and grounds. Your lady—?"

  "She'll stay with me. She speaks nought but Locanian and fears being separated from me amongst strangers. A mere swineherd's chick, but a faithful creature. At my age, that is of more moment than a pretty face."

  Presently, Eudoric was looking at his and Jillo's palfreys and their sumpter mule in Raspiudus' stables. Eudoric made a few hesitant efforts, as if he were Baldonius seeking his young friends, to inquire after their disappearance. Each time, Raspiudus smoothly turned the question aside, promising enlightenment later.

  An hour later, Raspiudus was showing off his magical sanctum. With obvious interest, Eudoric examined a number of squares of dragon hide spread out on a workbench. He asked:

  "Be this the integument of one of
those Pathenian dragons, whereof I have heard?"

  "Certes, good Baldonius. Are they extinct in your part of the world?"

  "Aye. 'Twas for that reason that I sent my friend and former pupil to fetch me some of this hide for use in my work. How doth one cure this hide?"

  "With salt and—unh!"

  Raspiudus collapsed, Eudoric having struck him on the head with a short bludgeon that he whisked out of his voluminous sleeves.

  "Bind and gag him and roll him behind the bench!" said Eudoric.

  "Were it not better to cut his throat, sir?" asked Jillo.