The Incorporated Knight

by L. Sprague De Camp

  In response to Corentin's commands, the six guards scattered on the tasks assigned them. From beyond the palace, Eudoric heard the sounds of a hasty mustering of soldiers: a clatter of arms and armor, the shouting of urgent commands, and the stamping and neighing of horses. Soon a mounted group could be heard as it rumbled off into the night.

  "Triunitarian heads will be piled here on the morrow," muttered Corentin. "Let's hope the bishop's be amongst them. And now, my dears, we shall proceed with our interrupted ceremony. Yonder stands your nuptial couch, and Father Mamert and I shall be your witnesses. The dance, though a jolly pastime, is not required by law."

  "I'll see you in Hell first!" said Yolanda.

  "But my dear Princess, the departure of the noisy crowd should abate your objections. Mamert and I do promise to watch in silence, eschewing the lascivious jests that are common on such an occasion."

  "It will not do, Master Jester," said Eudoric. "In Yolanda's land and in mine, only the most licentious spirits would frig in public, as it were. Now, pray, find us twain a private chamber, and we'll testily to the results upon the morrow."

  Mamert pushed back his horned headpiece to scratch his balding scalp. "It were irregulous to have no true witnessing. Suppose one of the twain demand annulment on grounds of non-coition? Who shall prove non-compliance?"

  Corentin gave a weary sigh. " 'Twill do; 'twill suffice. The marriage will be legal unless you or I bring an action against it, and neither of us is fain to do that. Besides, the twain will doubtless feel as bound by the Triunitarian mummery as by our wedding rite. And what care we if a brace of foreigners return to their home in a state of sin?" He beckoned a guard. "Tell the housekeeper to ready a bridal chamber. The room Duke Kiberon occupied will do. Now, ye two, come inside."

  Corentin hustled Eudoric and Yolanda back into the palace, stopping at the deserted tables to pour himself a goblet of perry. He offered some to his companions, but his offer was declined. Yolanda was still tense with unspent anger, while Eudoric decided he was near enough to a drunken stupor without aggravating his condition. He asked:

  "Where—where is the King?"

  Corentin snorted. "Still asleep. When he's in his cups, nought less than an earthquake is needed to rouse him. I'll report the night's doings to him anon. Not that it greatly matters."

  At long last, Corentin ushered the bridal couple to a room wherein a pair of chambermaids bustled about. As these glided away, giggling nervously, Corentin clapped Eudoric and Yolanda on the shoulder, declaiming:

  "When the bridegroom's in lust,

  And the maiden is fain,

  With a vigorous thrust—"

  -

  "Stop!" roared Eudoric, glowering. "Master Corentin, you've given us enough embarrassment already. Kindly omit the versifying! Good-night!"

  He grasped the slender jester's shoulders, turned him about, and with a powerful push sent him staggering off, laughing madly so that his bells tintinnabulated. Then Eudoric slammed and bolted the door. As he turned to face Yolanda, she snapped:

  "Husband! Wipe your nose! You're a disgusting sight!"

  -

  XI – A Jester's Jugglery

  As the rising sun sent scarlet beams through the diamond panes, Eudoric, red of eye and nose, emerged from the bridal chamber and sought the dining room. He found Corentin sawing away at a slab of cold roast pork.

  "God den!" said the jester. "How passed your night?"

  "Better than some but worse than others," said Eudoric. "Methought my cold would unman me completely; but my lady wrought a simple spell, which somewhat abated the symptoms. So we ... Alas, the effect of the spell was but ephemeral; wherefore I now feel worse than ever."

  "Ye stopped with the words 'So we ...' So we what? What befell?"

  "Well, what think you? That's my affair."

  "Come, come, Sir Eudoric!" Corentin leaned forward, his eyes agleam with voyeuristic eagerness. "Give me the details, I beg. I lust to know every—"

  "Lust away, you evil-minded jackanapes!" barked Eudoric. "Whence I come, a gentleman does not particularize such matters, save to his priest or his physician. You are neither."

  "Oh, I cry your pardon, Sir Eudoric!" Corentin made a visible effort to wipe the prurient curiosity from his features. "I did but wish to ascertain your state of felicity. It behooves the King and me, doth it not, to insure the happiness of eminent guests?" When Eudoric merely grunted, Corentin continued: "The life of a hero, such as ye be, doth not belong to himself alone, but serves as exemplar to generations to come. So should I not ask anent the happiness of the bridal pair on this fair and sunlit morn?" He put on a charming smile.

  "You may say that the groom feels relieved at having performed his duty, when for a while a successful conclusion remained in doubt. As for the bride, you must needs ask her." He looked narrowly at Corentin. "By the bye, you spake of the wench as a 'maiden.' Now, I am not that famed Hiverian, Huano, reputed to have enjoyed ten women a night for a hundred years. But neither am I an utter novice, and I avow that Yolanda be a woman of experience —wide experience. How about this, Sir Jester?"

  Corentin swallowed. "Have one of these goose eggs. Know that, in modern Armorian, the term 'maiden' denotes a young, unwedded woman. It implies nought of her being a filly unridden, as it did in the older form of the tongue. Did she pleasure you?"

  "I complain not."

  Corentin laughed. "Then where's your plaint? We set no great store by virginity here."

  Eudoric growled: "Simply stated, I like not having used merchandise fobbed off on me as pristine. My grievance will, howsomever, be much abated when you pay my promised hundred crowns."

  The jester's eyebrows rose. "Indeed? And wherefore should we pay you such a sum?"

  "You promised it as my reward for rescuing Yolanda."

  "Ha! My good Sir Knight, if ye read the contract, ye'll see it saith 'for slaying the monster,' not for commanding it to levant. Since ye slew it not, the contract's null."

  "By the Divine Pair!" roared Eudoric. "Of all the barefaced swindles—"

  "Easy, easy," said the jester, grinning. He snapped his fingers, and four armed guards, who had been standing like statues around the room, stepped forward with hands on hilts. "My heart doth bleed for you; but the welfare of the kingdom is ever uppermost. If the contract be broken, we cannot straiten our treasury out of mere sympathy. Ye may not believe it, but Armoria's good is my capital concern. Therefore, our thanks and our praise for your worthy deed must suffice. I daresay we could hire Jurnach to compose another heroic lay about your acture."

  "Heroic lays are all very fine," said Eudoric, "but gold is more useful in conducting a business. At least, it was agreed that I should receive fifty if the beast departed wounded."

  "I recall the wording precise," said Corentin. " 'In the event that the beast flee away wounded, so that its death be not witnessed, the said Eudoric shall receive the moiety of the abovenamed amount.' Druzhok, howsomever, departed these purlieus quite unseathed. How, then, can ye claim a reward for wounding it? If ye believe me not, I'll hale the scrivener hither with our copy of the contract." The jester finished with a malicious smile.

  Eudoric frowned in thought. "When the beast departed, it gazed at me reproachfully. I am sure that its feelings, at least, were wounded."

  "That signifies nought, Sir Knight; albeit ye show a livelier wit than most of the ironclad titled loobies from the more easterly lands. We cannot summon the creature from the vasty deep and ask it: 'Hath Sir Eudoric in sooth bruised your tender soul? Poor little monster! Come hither and let us kiss your tears away!' So let the pair of you take your treaty with King Clothar and speedily hie yourselves back to Franconia. Count yourselves lucky that your heads be still affixed to the rest of you; for there be some who say ye routed Druzhok by a magical spell, after ye'd sworn ye had no such arcane powers."

  "I merely spake to the monster in its Pathenian language, a tongue whereof I learned somewhat whilst in jail in Velitchovo."


  Corentin's eyes waxed bright with malicious curiosity. "What offense had ye committed there?"

  "Killing a dragon out of season, in ignorance of their game laws."

  "My, my, ye do get around! In any case, be on your way forthwith; here we give short shrift to contentious foreigners. Without heads to see by, ye'd go astray for certain!" The jester guffawed.

  Eudoric stared as murderous thoughts flitted through his brain. As if reading Eudoric's mind, Corentin added: "And think not to slay me out of hand!" He nodded towards the guardsmen. "Besides these four stout lads, my faithful demon wards me. Wouldst see?" He clapped his hands. "Matholuch, show yourself!"

  The air beside Corentin's chair shimmered, and a being of roughly human size and shape took form. Instead of an ordinary skin, however, it was covered with scales having the appearance of bronze, greened with age. The center of each scale curved up to form a spine. Over most of the creature's body, the spines were no longer than a finger's breadth, but on the arms they became finger-long spikes.

  The jester's mouth twisted into a sinister grin. "A hug from Matholuch were less pleasurable than one from your princess, as the late Svor discovered."

  "Methought Svor was burned alive?"

  "Nay; that doth but show how rumor distorts the tale of notable events. But I've just thought of a jingle:

  "Oh, better 'tis ever to lie in the arms Of woman-kind lovely, enjoying her charms, Than wrastle my demon, whose spiny embrace The life of the hardiest knight doth erase!"

  Corentin's gale of raucous laughter set his bells to jangling. Eudoric smiled thinly, saying: "Sea monsters and demons like man-shaped hedgehogs are not, I see, Armoria's only wonders."

  "What else? Hast seen our standing stones and ancient tombs?"

  "Nay; I've not had time to visit them, I refer to your sense of humor, my good jester."

  "At last!" cried Corentin, throwing up his arms. "A wight who comprehends my genius! Pray join us in the courtyard at the third hour, to view the beheading of six members of last night's mob. Twill be a delicious sight! The cries for mercy! The spouting blood! The rolling sconces!" Corentin's expression of fiendish glee suddenly sobered. "But now, good my sir, ye must excuse me. The kingdom's business doth press upon me. Crops have failed in our southernmost province, and I must organize a shipment of edibles thither. I boast that, during my tenure, not one peasant hath starved; and I should be loath to see that record broken. Good-day!"

  Back in his temporary quarters, Eudoric told Yolanda about his interview. As he spoke, her face became taut with anger. "You tottyhead! Why demanded you not the half of your gold ere venturing out upon the Rock?"

  Keeping a tight grip on his temper, Eudoric replied: "Had I been clever enough to foresee the Armorians' trickery, I should not have promised to fetch you home. I could have returned to Letitia saying: Sorry, but the monster ate your royal sister ere I arrived on the scene."

  Glaring, Yolanda said: "Didst demand my magical apparatus along with your lucre?"

  "By the Divine Pair, how could I? When I made the contract, I knew nought of your wizardly gimcracks. But when I ask for your baggage—"

  "So all that I, a royal princess, am worth to you is a sack of reeky gold!" screamed Yolanda. "I've let a worthless fortune hunter make free with my private person! Sneck up! Get out!" She threw a pillow at Eudoric.

  Eudoric knocked the pillow aside and smiled mirthlessly. "Ere I go, pray tell me: Canst cook? Canst sew? Make beds? Milk a cow?"

  "Nay! Why should I know the skills of a baseborn hilding?"

  "Because, when I leave you in Armoria, you must needs find a way to make your living. Farewell!"

  Eudoric turned away, wondering privately what he would do if, in one of her contrary fits, Yolanda did indeed refuse to return to Letitia with him. In such a case, his Franconian stagecoach line would vanish like a mirage in the Saracenic deserts.

  As he strode out, Yolanda called, "Eudoric! Come back! I am sorry! J truly meant it not; suffer me to apologize. Let us not start our wedded life so ill! Come to me, love!"

  Like a man in a cage with a tigress who, having just tried to devour him, was now affectionately rubbing its head against his shanks, Eudoric came. When she embraced him, he recoiled, saying: "Beware! You'll catch my cold!"

  "I care not," she said, kissing him fiercely. "Since my little spell hath worn away, I'll do what I know be best for you. Off with your raiment and back to bed instanter!"

  "But I must round up Forthred and prepare for our journey—"

  "Tomorrow's as good as today, and I can run your errands for you. I regret that you'll miss the beheading. "

  "I have seen heads fall," growled Eudoric, "and find the sight no very pleasing spectacle."

  "Oh, Eudoric, be not angry with me again! Forgive my hasty temper! 'Tis vile of me so to carp at him who saved my life. You're an excellent man, and it's my great good fortune that the Three True Gods sent you my way. Come, sweet!"

  Eudoric let himself be bullied and cajoled back into bed. For the next three days, he had to admit that no one could have been a kinder and more assiduous nurse than this formidable female.

  The throne room, as Eudoric entered, appeared the same as before, save that the heads staring sightlessly from the rack on the wall had been replaced by six new faces. These, Eudoric supposed, had belonged to the Triunitarian rioters caught by King Gwennon's troopers.

  "Is your tisic better, Sir Eudoric?" wheezed King Gwennon.

  "My thanks, Your Majesty. A few days' rest sufficed."

  "We warned against wet feet—"

  "Where is your lady fair?" interrupted Corentin the jester.

  "Resting. She must store up strength for the journey; and she begs Your Majesty, and you, Sir Jester, to excuse her from the fare-thee-wells."

  "That female stalwart!" muttered Corentin. "Sick or well, she could tie knots in any man."

  "We regret her absence," said the King. "Albeit old, we still enjoy the sight of a well-formed woman-even though the sight be all, these days." The King sighed nostalgically.

  -

  As Forthred and a couple of scullions, under Eudoric's direction, were loading the beasts, Eudoric approached his bride. "Yolanda, my animals can bear but a fraction of your baggage. You'll have to discard most of it."

  "What!" she cried. "Dost expect me, a royal princess, to travel about in my shift, as when I was chained to the Rock?"

  "The beasts cannot carry so much. I've long worked with horses and mules and know whereof I speak."

  "Then purchase more beasts!"

  "What with? We've barely enough money, eating black bread and sleeping in our tent, to take us back to Letitia."

  "Fear not on that score." From beneath her cloak she produced a large wallet, which jingled encouragingly when she shook it.

  Eudoric wagged his head. "I still cannot do it, my dear. We must needs cross the lands of the hostile Duke Sigibert of Dorelia. A train of beasts, with extra grooms to manage them, would arouse unwelcome attention."

  "But as things stand, I am reduced to rags and tatters! When they arrested me, diey took my baggage into custody. Whilst it was in their charge, base varlets stole a half at least."

  "Can't be helped," said Eudoric firmly. "Six chests would slow our progress, and speed is of the essence. Yonder lie your six chests and sacks; choose two! Your magical gear will fit one, and the other will furnish a change of clothing."

  "Have I wedded a blind beggar? Should I join him in the streets with a begging bowl for alms?"

  The argument raged until Eudoric barked: "Either you make your choice, or I'll make it for you! Or tarry in Armoria, if you prefer!"

  "Low-born domestic tyrant!" Yolanda muttered, setting herself to opening the six containers and choosing her most valued articles. "That I, a princess of the blood, should submit to rude bullying ..."

  "Why need you that green vase?" asked Eudoric. "It is heavy and bulky, and you can surely find another like it in Letitia."

  " 'Ti
s part of my magical armory. Rejoice that I have resisted using it on you!" Then she seized him in a bone-cracking embrace. "Oh, dearest Eudoric, there I go again! I swear to mend my cantankerous ways."

  -

  XII – The Crypt of a King

  When Ysness faded into Armorian mists behind them, Eudoric said: "Yolanda, whence gat you that money you showed me? Did the Armorians give you back that which you brought from Franconia?"

  Yolanda rode astride with her skirt hiked up to reveal peasant trews. She laughed. "Nay! I took it myself, whilst you were bidding farewell to the King and his jester."