Manslations

by Jeff Mac

  That's so not true. I went out with a guy, and

  he called me three weeks later.

  Right, but that was at one in the morning, and he wanted you to come over to his apartment for sex.

  Uh… no it… er… ahem… was not.

  Uh-huh. Sure, it was. Otherwise, why the wait?

  Then why doesn't he leave out the “I'll call you” part and just say good night?

  This one is harder to explain. And not because it involves big words I don't know. This is a sticky situation, because it involves something negative about women.

  Women (he said while ducking) Want Men to Lie.

  No! We want the truth! If a guy would just tell us right then and there, we could get on with our lives and not torture ourselves about why he didn't call.

  Well, there's a problem right there. You think there is some mystery about why he didn't call. He didn't call because he doesn't want to talk to you. Is that the conversation you would like to have had with him at the end of the date—the date where you presumably had a good enough time that you wanted him to call you?

  You: “This was fun. We should do it again sometime.”

  Him: “Mmm, nah. I don't really ever want to have to talk to you anymore.”

  Well, he wouldn't have to say it like that.

  No?

  No. He could say, “Look, I really like you, but I'm just not looking for a relationship right now.”

  Exactly. It's not that you don't want him to lie; you don't want the real reason. You just want him to lie better. (“I like you a lot, but I don't want a relationship right now, and that's why I'm not going to call you,” or whichever lie you like.)

  Of course he's looking for a relationship right now. Who doesn't want to meet the perfect person right now? Sociopaths, that's who. Everyone who isn't in a relationship is looking for one right now. Everyone. (Remember that “fear of commitment”—yeah, the one he doesn't have?) If he didn't call you, that's how you know that he wasn't looking for you. And again, that is fantastic news. Cross him off the list of potentially dateable guys, and put him down on the other (much longer) list.

  But he just got out of another relationship. He—

  Listen. No man in the history of the earth has ever not called you because he liked you. If he likes you so much, why not just call, which you obviously want him to do?

  Wait… do not answer that question. Let me guess. Is it because he is afraid of how much he is feeling for you right now? You guys went out; you had wine; you laughed; and he felt something. He felt something he had not felt in a long, long time. And it scared him. And he ran. He ran and ran until his lonely little legs could take him no further, and then he collapsed in tears on his bed of rose petals and angst? Right?

  Golly, and I thought you weren't after the truth…

  But there was this one time—

  No. No, there wasn't. There still isn't. No man has ever, ever felt so much for you that he didn't call you back.

  No, hear me out.

  Sigh. Uh-huh.

  He had just gotten out of a relationship, and he emailed me and said he thought he was ready but then realized that he was not.

  So… what now? You think he was really in love with you but was just too relationship-ally tired to make it work?

  Well…

  This was after you guys had sex, wasn't it?

  Uh…

  Got it. This is what we manslators call a “lie.”

  Okay, so if he didn't call it's because he doesn't

  like me. I get it. But we had sex. What changed?

  Nothing. He never liked you.

  Remember “Sex Brain”? (See page 54.) Yeah, that guy needs to conquer stuff, take down saber-toothed tigers, stop international terrorism, and take you to bed. (Though probably not in that order.) But the moment sex has occurred, that part of the brain leaves the man. Quickly. And the man is left with the Everything Else Brain—more specifically in this case, the “So do I want to stay here or get the hell out of here?” Brain. The cuddle or flight response is very, very strong.

  If he has sex, then bails and never calls, he doesn't want to date you. Why would he run out and never call if he liked you?

  But all men aren't like that. This guy had been hurt before.

  Sure, he had. Who hasn't? We've all been hurt before. This is a prime example of a scenario in need of a manslation. A woman sees male behavior, and since men don't leave many clues, she is left to make up a whole world to explain it. Let's go through some of these explanations.*

  Stuff You Really Need to Stop Believing, Like, Instantly

  No man has ever, ever stopped going out with a woman as a result of

  Feelings that were too strong and frightened him. Think about it. What you're saying is that you are so perfect for him that he couldn't handle it. Such a curse you have there! Gosh, if only you hadn't been so great for him, he might have been able to allow himself to be happy with you.

  Come on. What's the simplest solution? That he somehow sensed that you were the perfect woman for him, who touched him in deep, important places that he couldn't handle? Or that he met you; it didn't really happen for him; and he bailed? Don't waste your time thinking about this man. He's not the one.

  Fear of getting close to someone that he really likes because he's been hurt before and he senses that this relationship could be so deep that it could really hurt him again. You give us too much credit—we can't think ahead that well.

  Stop it. Stop it right now. I just heard your thoughts, ladies. You were saying, “Well, this guy doesn't know what he's talking about. I knew this guy one time who…” No. It might happen on doctor shows on TV, but that's because those shows are written specifically for women.

  And no, the reason men don't watch doctor shows is not because it makes him have feelings that are too intense and he can't handle them. Just step away from the steaming pile of bullpoop.

  Being intimidated by a challenging woman. This one is really ridiculous.

  No, no, no, that one happens. I was dating this guy, and always called him on his “crap,” and he dumped me.

  Yeah, sounds like you weren't as much a “challenge” as a “jerk.”

  Again, no man has ever refused to date a woman because she was perfect for him or just too challenging. If you end up only dating men who are intimidated by how “strong” you are… well, you might want to explore the possibility that it's because you're not very nice.

  There really are no exceptions to the three bogus explanations above. The red flag for you is that the explanations are awfully flattering to one side of the breakup. As in, “I am perfect as I am, and if only he could handle how perfect I am, then he would be willing to date me.” Again, you're half-right. You're fine, just as you are. He just didn't want what you have. Your job isn't figuring out how to get him to call. Your job is to go find the guy who wants to call.

  Honestly, think of all the times in your life that you have rejected a man. In any of these situations, have you ever been in love with the guy but dumped him because you couldn't handle how much you felt for him? As in, you loved him too much? Or you were perfect together, but somehow you weren't up to the task of loving him because of your last relationship? Ever been intimidated by how challenging a man was?

  Come on. Of course you haven't. So don't make your guy have that imaginary thought. It will only drive you nuts.

  SHOULD YOU CALL HIM, AND FACE THE UNHOLY

  DANGERS OF… UH… WHAT, EXACTLY?

  On my website, I get this question all the time. After a great date, she's wondering if she should initiate contact to tell him that she had a great time. She's afraid that she's going to scare him off. There's a lot of misinformation out there about this.

  My suggestion? Call him; don't call him; do whatever you want. It can't hurt. Here's why.

  If he likes you, he's going to like that you called him. If he doesn't like you, he's not going to like you any less.

  I think the
confusion on this one has come from a leap in judgment that some women make.

  They see it like this:

  He and I had a great date.

  I called him.

  He blew me off.

  Mistaken Conclusion: The call made me look clingy and psycho, and I spooked him and scared him off.

  This is not how it went. If you called him and he blew you off, it went like this:

  You had a great date, and he did not.

  He planned to blow you off.

  You called him, and nothing changed.

  True Conclusion: He wasn't interested to begin with, and your call had no discernible effect on his feelings about you. Up or down.

  Come on. Do you really think that he was sitting there at his house saying to himself, “You know what? I had a great time with her. I wanted to ask her out again. But then she called me! Ugh! And as if that wasn't enough, she told me she had fun on that date that I had fun on! Double ugh.”

  And if you are dating a man who only liked you until you called him to tell him you liked him, well, do you really want to be dating such a man?

  AN ABRIDGED LIST OF THE VARIOUS GUYS

  WHO ARE NOT WORTH FREAKING OUT ABOUT

  There are a few types of men who seem (again seem) to be sending weird mixed signals. Here are a few you would do well to avoid if you can.

  The Romantic: This is the guy who is obsessed with obsession. He loves that beginning time, loves getting you all caught up in a whirlwind of romance, flowers, secret meetings, urgency. And then seemingly out of nowhere, poof. He's gone, and wha happa? This guy is an urgency addict, and when your relationship stopped resembling a four-alarm house fire, he lost interest. Forget this man. He never liked you, per se. He liked the intensity of your time together.

  The Therapy Addict: This guy wants to analyze his every emotion, thought, and impulse, and give you the play-by-play. His version of being a badass is that he is either the most damaged person you've ever met, or at least the most enlightened person about being damaged that you've ever met. This guy likes trouble because it gives him some more chances to learn firsthand terms he read in self-help books. Avoid.

  The Scorekeeper: This man is interested in getting you into bed, because he needs to know he's still got it. And getting women into bed is how he knows. With this guy, the meter is running. He thrives on figuring out exactly what you want to hear, and then he tells you that. You'll know him because he's the guy trying to minimize the time between “hello” and bed.

  The Collector: He can't let you off the hook. Even after you two are done, he'll call every so often to “check in” or just to “see how you're doing.” He's attempting to keep a whole lot of women interested in him. He's not sure he exists unless some woman thinks he's the greatest. You'll know you've found this guy when you can't get anywhere near him, except every once in a while—on his terms.

  The “Honest” Player: This guy will tell you straight out, “I'm not interested in a real relationship. I'm just too immature for that. In relationships, I'm big trouble.” He's banking on you arguing for being with him, even while he's arguing against it. And then when he screws you over—and you can take it to the bank* that he will screw you over—he comforts himself (and sometimes you) by saying, “Hey, I told her the whole time…” Trust me, if a guy tells you he's a lousy boyfriend, he's always right.

  OFFICER, YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG GUY!

  Look, everybody knows that the vast majority of men are going to be “the wrong guy.” There seem to be endless ways that this whole dating thing can end badly. You didn't need anyone to tell you that (and if you did, well, there's a whole shelf filled with books that will tell you all about it).

  But now you know to pay attention to what he does (and chill out about what he says). Just think how quickly you'll be able to weed'em out. You could get through your whole address book in, like, ten minutes!

  What you need to understand about men is that the right man is not going to play all of these weird games with you. You're not going to have to go nuts trying to figure out why the right guy didn't call, and you're not going to have to worry about calling him. You're not going to have to walk on eggshells trying to keep from frightening him off.

  You're not going to have to do any of this nonsense, because the right guy is the one who is crazy about you. The real you. All of you. The right guy is the guy who can't wait to call you, can't wait for you to call him, can't wait to spend lots of time with you.

  Anybody who isn't that guy, well, the best thing you can do with him is have as much fun as you can, and then let him go. He's not worth agonizing over.

  __________________

  * Sometimes my thoughts speak to me in the guise of loudmouthed neighborhood kids. I'm seeing a specialist about it.

  * Absolutely zero of these female explanations for male behavior have ever happened. Ever.**

  ** Read that other note. Don't read anything else until you believe it.

  * Don't take it to the actual bank. The teller will almost surely call security.

  CHAPTER 6

  men and their things, or

  sometimes a remote is just

  a remote

  No, I'm not talking about those things. I am not about to sit here and tell you about men and their genitals. That's for another book.

  But isn't the male obsession with stuff just that thing where men compensate for their penises with bigger cars, TVs, or whatever?

  No. Common misunderstanding. There is a certain school of thought that says that everything is all about men's “things.” But I do not belong to that school, so get your minds out of the gutter. Yes, men are obsessed with the size of their penises. And since they are also obsessed with the size of their TVs, smart people with lots of time on their hands (and puny TVs, I bet) make the connection that it's all about the penis. But maybe it's more simple than that.

  Men just like to keep score, period. Men are in constant competition about everything. This is why men like sports. There are “winners” and “losers.”

  Believe me, men don't spend a lot of time thinking about penises. We are far more focused on winners and losers. And penises are just one of the many competitions we might win or lose. Technology, gear, tools, cars, and sports are others.

  What is it about men and their stuff anyway? Why do they love it?

  Because they understand it. Technology either works, or it doesn't. And we can tell when something's wrong. And if it doesn't work, we're pretty sure that we can get it to work.

  Basically, we like electronics because they are not like you. You frighten us. When you get mad at us, we know something is wrong, but we can't for the life of us figure out how to fix the problem. We try; we get into worse trouble; and ultimately we give an unconditional surrender where we say, “Look, I don't even know what I did. But I'm sure that I'm really sorry about it. Can we get back to the part where I don't feel tense and terrified that I'm doing something wrong, please?”

  There's a big lesson there, ladies. If you can tell us exactly what we have done wrong, it will be better for everyone. No, we will never be able to just tell. Stop hoping for that. I just don't see it happening anytime soon.

  BACK TO CAVEMAN TIMES

  Another reason that men love technology is that it does stuff. The first item of this type was probably the club. Whoever had the best one killed the most elk. Awesome. And what about fire? Oh, forget about it. Whichever cave dude had the first fire made all the other guys go nuts trying to figure out how to make a bigger, better one.

  But why does it matter?

  I don't know. Why do you have five pairs of black shoes that are exactly alike?

  They are most certainly not exactly alike! See, these have a little strap, and this pair has—

  Please kill me now.

  See, that's just what I'm talking about—you love those… totally distinct and different and in-no-way-the-same… shoes. Men get excited about, you know, different details.


  Okay, fair enough. But every one of those pairs of shoes—

  Thanks. Thank you, that's great.

  Let's go through some of the main areas in which men are mesmerized by technology and see if we can determine why, what it all means, and how you can use this information to better understand your man. Or men who aren't yours. Once you know this stuff, you are free to go around understanding men at your discretion.

  You can break man and his gadget obsession down into four categories, the first three of which date back to the earliest men (our friends with the pointy sticks and the cars that they braked with their feet, you know). The categories are: