Relief swept through her. Chase was finally keeping his word. But once they arrived there, would she be able to come up with enough money for transport for three? She'd have to start decoding the new vault code, just in case.
Pushing aside those concerns for the time being, Nessa pulled up more interesting files to show Raven. The girl found the pictures of the strange creatures and the many planets in the quadrant fascinating, but admitted she couldn't read. Resolving to teach her at the first opportunity, Nessa read some of the stories to her. She also located some information on puberty and shared it with Raven, watching the girl's reaction. Raven kept looking from the screen to Nessa in astonishment. Nessa assured her the information was true—Raven would soon undergo these amazing changes and become a young woman.
She had never felt so needed, especially when Raven cuddled closer and rested her head on Nessa's shoulder. Nessa wanted to hold the girl close forever, and protect her from the despair and fear that constituted an integral part of a Shielder's existence. But she knew she could only help Raven prepare for the world that awaited her.
The rest of the day passed uneventfully. Nessa prepared the midday and evening meals, with some further instruction from Chase, but all of the clean up fell to her. She didn't complain, accepting the fairness of her duties, grateful she wasn't in the brig instead.
As the ship cycle waned, the children grew sleepy, worn out by the stress of a new environment. Chase and Nessa tucked them into Nessa's bunk and watched them drop into sleep. When they were deeply asleep, Chase completed his examination of Brand. He also gave both children immunization injections, which didn't seem to disturb them in the least.
Nessa watched him gather his equipment, filled with both anticipation and dread. What now? Would he expect her to mate with him, as part of a slave's duties? She knew he couldn't possibly find her attractive, but she now realized such considerations didn't matter if the mating need was strong enough.
She didn't want to mate under those circumstances. Pride and dignity demanded she refuse such an arrangement. Yet she might not have much choice in the matter. Not only was time on the Orana incubation growing short, but now the fate of two innocent children complicated the situation.
Chase closed his equipment case and stepped back from the bunk. He held out his hand to Nessa. "Come on, let's go to bed."
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
He must be going crazy. He knew better than to allow this senseless attraction toward Nessa to go any further, Chase told himself. He'd thought she felt the same attraction, until now, when he could feel her shaking as they walked toward his cabin. Was it from fear or desire?
She deserved to be in the brig, after the stunt she'd pulled yesterday. And that constituted the least of the damage she had caused. In truth, Nessa's presence on his ship had broadsided him emotionally, in more ways than one. Her medical problems had necessitated frequent visits to the lab, a painful reminder of his miserable failure as a physician.
The colossal mistake of giving in to the lure between them and making love had further complicated the situation. Why did she have to be a virgin and why did that fact affect him so profoundly? He'd reacted like some primitive cave dweller from Trion, feeling protective and possessive toward her—as if she belonged to him now.
Then she'd brought the children onto the ship. Those little waifs had immediately roped Chase's heartstrings. For three seasons, he'd managed to lock all feelings away. But now, his carefully constructed wall was cracking. Spirit, but it hurt to feel again. Unresolved grief, anger, and guilt, safely buried until now, deluged him, like a violent flash flood.
Not even competent enough to capture the one person responsible for his personal hell, how did he handle these emotions? By exploding at Nessa, shaking the life out of her, and then losing himself in her body. Which he wanted to do again—starting right now.
Granted, last night should never have happened and wouldn't have, if not for the influence of the liquor. But the alcohol had weakened his guard just enough and Nessa had looked so damned sexy with that robe clinging to every curve.
She looked apprehensive now, as they entered his cabin, but he would make certain she enjoyed the actual act of mating tonight. He should have stayed away from her after their first encounter. But he hadn't. The damage was already done, he rationalized, so why not find comfort in each other's arms? It had been so long for him…so very long.
He'd told Nessa the truth about the healing power of touch. Holding Brand today, Chase had wished for someone to hold him, to comfort away the terrible memories, the stark loneliness, if only for a short while. Foolishness, because nothing would ever eradicate the reality. Still, he yearned for the momentary oblivion he seemed to find with Nessa.
As the panel slid shut, he unbuckled his utility belt, tossing it on the console. He sank into his chair, swiveling to watch Nessa while he removed his boots. She remained by the panel, her eyes wary. Not quite the look of the eager lover.
"What are you thinking, Nessa?"
She looked at the bunk. "I'm not used to sleeping with anyone."
Good. He'd be the only one with that honor. Watching the rapid rise and fall of her breasts beneath her tunic, Chase felt himself hardening. He tossed his boots to the side. "Sleep wasn't exactly what I had in mind."
He stood and approached her. Her attention snapped back to him, her eyes widening. The rich brown of her tunic emphasized the golden glow of her satiny skin. Her eyes, dark whirlpools of emotion, swirled him into their depths. He thought he might explode right then. He clamped down mentally, determined to master his body.
When he felt he'd regained a modicum of control, he spread his arms invitingly. "Why don't you undress me?"
Her gaze skittered down him, pausing at his straining erection. "Is that an order?"
Irritation cooled his ardor, if only a few degrees. Why was she so reluctant, given the extent of her sensual nature? He knew firsthand how incredibly responsive she was, how capable of enjoying his caresses. She'd come to him eagerly enough before, had come apart in his arms in the shower.
Maybe she still felt shy in this new sexual arena and just needed encouragement. He leaned forward and pressed his mouth to hers, teasing her lips with his tongue. "Consider it an order, if you wish," he murmured.
She stiffened, but her hands slid to the top of his flightsuit seam. He buried his face in her hair, inhaling the fresh scent as she pulled the fabric off his shoulders and down his arms. When his arms were free of the sleeves, he pressed his hands against the panel on each side of her head and captured her mouth again, this time plundering the sweetness inside.
Her hands fluttered helplessly before flattening on his bare chest. The contact was electric. Touch me, Nessa. Touch me. Make me forget. The words formed a litany, flowing through his mind. Blindly, he sought her breast and claimed it.
She broke the kiss and sidestepped, gasping for breath. Chase reached for her, but she evaded him. Baffled, he stared at her, noting her obvious reluctance. She squared her shoulders. "Do you wish me to finish undressing you…master?"
Master? His passion-fogged brain struggled to make sense of her actions. Master? Why would she say that, unless….
Realization speared through him, evaporating the sensual haze like a photon torpedo. She considered mating with him a requirement of her duties. The duties slaves performed for their masters. Hadn't she said earlier she'd do anything to earn transport passage?
Understanding washed over him, with much the same effect of a cold shower. His mind cleared rapidly. If his guess was correct, last night had not been the mutual explosion of passion he'd assumed, but simply reluctant participation on Nessa's part. Rape—if he wanted to get really technical.
And in the shower, she'd been too inexperienced and helpless against his sensual onslaught not to respond, albeit unwillingly.
What else would she think, after the words he'd hurled in anger last night? He could rescind those words easily enough, but to wh
at end? It wouldn't change the fact that she didn't want to have sex with him. Hadn't wanted anything to do with him since he'd blundered her first sexual experience.
Frustration roared through him and he pounded his fist against the panel. He'd never forced himself on any female, and he'd always despised those shadowers who raped their female prisoners.
He'd just sunk to their ranks.
"We're not finishing anything," he growled, striding to the console and grabbing up his half-empty bottle from last night. While he was at it, he yanked open the cabinet above the console and took another bottle.
He stormed back to the entry, the top part of his flight suit flapping against his legs. He glared into Nessa's startled eyes. "You're safe from me, do you understand? Safe! I won't make any more advances toward you."
He headed for the cockpit, where he could lock himself in and find that oblivion he'd been anticipating earlier.
Only it wouldn't be in Nessa's arms.
* * * *
Nessa stared after Chase, totally confused by his actions. For a few moments, she'd been certain he planned to mate with her. She didn't know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Her mouth still tingled from his passionate kiss, and her body hummed with stirring sensations. She should be relieved, she told herself firmly. She didn't want to be chosen for mating solely because she was available and owed him a great debt.
But she wouldn't have to worry about that possibility. Apparently Chase had found her so repulsive, he couldn't even force himself on her.
She shouldn't be surprised, especially after seeing the abundance of beautiful, gifted women in the quadrant. She shouldn't feel the hurt, not after ten seasons of rejection, not since Chase had made his disinterest clear from the first mating. His actions last night had been influenced by the liquor, nothing more.
She knew all that, understood it on an intellectual level. Yet, she still found it hard sometimes to accept her shortcomings as a woman. To accept the fact that no man would ever find her attractive, that she could never bear children.
The reality didn't ease the heaviness in her chest right now, or the tightness in her throat…or the ache in her heart. Reality didn't allow her the luxury of self-pity or self-centered desires, either. She should thank Spirit for forcing her to remember the crucial goal at hand.
Eleven days. Cold fear crystallized inside her. Only eleven days remained before the Orana began actively invading her body.
And they were still two days from Star Base Intrepid.
* * * *
Knowing Orana wasn't contagious until the final stages, Nessa slept with the children, curled protectively around them. They stirred early, stretching with the precious innocence of youth before they awakened fully. They blinked in sleepy surprise to see her in the bunk with them. She cuddled them close for a few minutes, discovering Chase had been right. Touch was healing, for the giver as well as the receiver.
An hour later, Nessa faced the food replicator in the galley, studying program codes. She heard Chase calling her. She stepped into the corridor as he headed from the cockpit toward his cabin. "Yes, Captain?"
He paused, glaring at her through bloodshot eyes. "Replicate some of that black tea we had yesterday. Make it strong. Bring it to my cabin—and be quick about it!"
She nodded, and he trudged to his cabin, swaying slightly. She suspected he'd drunk all that alcohol last night and would pay for it today. On second thought, she would pay for it today. She replicated the tea and carried it to his cabin. He didn't answer the tone, so she entered cautiously. He wasn't in sight, and she could hear the shower. She left the tea on the console and returned to the galley.
Chase appeared some time later, while Nessa and the children were eating the morning meal. He didn't look quite as pale, although red still streaked his eyes. She rose. "Can I get you something to eat?"
"No, no food. The very thought of it sickens me. Just make me another cup of tea and bring it to the cockpit. Don't take too long. And keep the noise down!"
He stormed from the galley, leaving Nessa relieved to see him go. Raven looked up, her mouth trembling. "What did I do wrong?"
Nessa leaned down beside her. "You didn't do anything wrong, sweetness. What makes you think that?"
Raven shivered. "Master is mad. I did something wrong. Will he use the rod on me?"
Nessa fought the distinct urge to go hit Chase. "Captain McKnight is just tired this morning, and he's grouchy. That's all. He's not mad at you. And we never, never use the rod on this ship."
When she glanced over and saw Brand had pulled up his knees and buried his head in them, she mentally amended that last statement. She might just use an electrolyzer rod on Chase if he upset the children like this again.
Several minutes passed before she convinced Brand that Chase wasn't mad at him, and there weren't even any rods on the ship. She didn't know if the child believed her, but at least he sat upright on the bench again.
She made more tea and took it to the cockpit. Chase ignored her when she set the tea beside him. "Captain McKnight, I'd like a word with you please."
He didn't take his eyes from the wanted offender screen. "Later. I don't want to be disturbed right now."
She blew out a frustrated breath. "You terrified the children in the galley this morning."
He dragged his attention from the screen, his brows drawing together as he scowled. "Damnation! All I did was ask for a cup of tea."
Staring into his haggard face, guilt besieged her. He'd done so much for her, only to be repaid with trouble. He'd been wonderful with the children.
"I know you didn't mean to," she tried to explain, "but your tone and your scowl made them think you were mad at them."
His brows drew even closer together. "I do not scowl. And I don't have the time or patience to deal with overly sensitive women and children."
His unreasonable mood annoyed her. "Well, you frightened them. They thought you were going to use an electrolyzer rod on them."
"Right now, I don't give an Antek's ass what they thought," Chase snapped, anger flaring in his eyes. "I have a ship to run, and I don't want to be bothered."
She held on to her temper. "You have good cause to be angry, Captain. I know I've been a troublesome burden. But please, wait to reprimand me when the children aren't around."
"You do not tell me how to conduct my affairs. Now, get moving. Bring me an entire pot of that tea, and then sterilize the damn ship again. Are those orders clear?"
She resisted the urge to kick him. "Yes, Captain. Perfectly clear." She left the cockpit, pondering his angry mood and deciding liquor had a strange effect on some people.
She took the children to the relative safety of her cabin, then fixed Chase's tea. She spent another two hours sterilizing the ship. After that, she and the children remained in the cabin.
She told stories and introduced Brand and Raven to Turi. Displaying a surprising acceptance, he even allowed the children to pet him. After Turi had been safely returned to his case, they let the silver lanrax out of the lav, coaxing her over with scraps of bread. She proved to be gentle enough, daintily accepting the bread and chattering when Brand tentatively touched her. They decided to name her Lia, after one of Elysia's silver moons.
Having no desire to deal with Chase again, Nessa slipped furtively to the galley for the midday and evening meals. She brought the food back to the cabin, and they enjoyed a picnic on the bunk. The cycle slipped by pleasantly. When the children's eyelids began to droop, she herded them into the shower, then into bed.
Just as she was tucking the cover around them, the tone sounded. She straightened, her heart speeding up. What could Chase possibly want now? Reluctantly, she went to the panel and opened it.
He stood there, dark shadows beneath his eyes. "I wanted to tell the children good night. May I come in?" he asked quietly.
He didn't seem angry. Nessa drew a deep breath. "Of course." She stepped back for him to enter.
The children
watched his approach, apprehension in their eyes. As Chase reached the bunk, Brand squeezed his eyes shut and rolled into a ball. Raven drew the cover up to her trembling chin.
Chase sat on the edge of the bed. "I didn't mean to frighten you today," he began, his deep voice pitched to a soothing level. "You're both good children, and I'm not mad at either of you. I know this is hard for you to believe, after the way you've been treated, but we do not punish anyone on this ship by hitting or shocking them. If you do something wrong, we will discuss it and decide on a fitting discipline. But I promise you, no one will hurt you in any way."
He offered his hand to Raven. "Okay?"
Tentatively, she placed her hand in his. "Okay," she agreed.
Chase reached over and rubbed Brand's back. "How about you, Brand?"
Brand made no reply, and Chase patted him and rose. "Good night. See you tomorrow."
He paused by Nessa, his eyes locking with hers, and for a brief moment, she thought he might say something. But he simply nodded and left.
* * * *
The next morning, everything seemed to be on an even keel again. Chase joined them for the morning meal. Appearing more rested, he ruffled both Brand’s and Raven's hair before he sat down. Nothing was said about the day before. After the meal, he went to the cockpit to check for incoming transmissions, which he did first thing every cycle.
The children remained in the galley with Nessa, helping her clean. Raven proved to be an able helper and such a joy, an inseparable shadow who tugged frequently on Nessa's tunic. She returned Nessa's hugs now, and even slipped her delicate hand into Nessa's for reassurance. Brand didn't offer any affection, but neither did he resist.
Chase's serious voice came over the intercom, startling all three of them. "Nessa, could you come to the cockpit please? Leave the children in your cabin for now."
Shielder — A new Science Fiction Romance (Book 1, Shielder Series) Page 16