Hidden Worthiness

by Susan Fanetti

  Donnie laughed and pushed her hands away. “Wine makes you horny, doesn’t it?” He remembered her white-hot surrender to him in the hotel, the way she’d begged for all he gave her. She’d been a little drunk then, too. He had regrets about that night, and the morning after—he’d been too rough in the night, trying to shove his own burgeoning feelings out of harm’s way, and too cold in the morning—but even so, the sex had been intensely erotic and had powered his fantasies for weeks.

  He got his shirt off and shed his trousers, then grabbed her and fell to her bed, both of them still in their underwear. Arianna caught his head in her hands and dragged him down for a kiss. Donnie lost himself in that marvel. A kiss is the seed of a romance, Arianna had told him that morning in the hotel. Her voice had laced disappointment and hurt around the words, and he’d cast them aside.

  Because of course she’d been right. A simple kiss, lips, tongue, breath, was the most intimate connection between two people.

  Her hands left his face and moved between them, down their bodies, until one slid into the waistband of his underwear and took hold of his cock. He groaned at the fire of her touch and turned his mouth away. “Wait, I need a condom.”

  “I’ve got an IUD in. I’m healthy. If you are, we don’t need them anymore.”

  He smiled down at her. The light in this room, all those tiny white bulbs strung everywhere, made her eyes sparkle like stars. “We don’t?”

  “We’re in a relationship, right? Exclusive?”

  “Absolutely.”

  “Then fuck me, Donnie.” As he grabbed her leg and got into position, she added, “I should let you know—Julian and Tess are super loud.”

  He laughed. This was like when he shared his first apartment with a couple other Pagano Brothers associates, and they hung a pinup calendar on the door to say they were ‘entertaining’. “Should we be louder?”

  She shook her head. “I don’t want to compete. I want to forget they’re there.”

  “Oh, you will.” He pushed in, skin to skin. Dear God, how good it was.

  There was nobody in the world but them.

  ~ 20 ~

  “Donnie.” Ari tugged on his hand. “Please?”

  “I don’t like this.” He stood at the corner, where a side wing met the central atrium of Providence Place, and scowled around the vast, airy space. She knew it was too bright and busy for his comfort, but it was Christmastime. Tomorrow was the premiere of The Nutcracker, and then she’d be working almost nonstop all the way up to a couple days before Christmas. She had only a few days that she could enjoy one of her favorite parts of the holiday: shopping!

  “I thought you lived your life and didn’t hide.”

  “I do. I don’t hide. I didn’t like malls twenty-one years ago, either. But it’s not that. I told you, things are dangerous right now.”

  She turned and smiled at Dre, who stayed back about twenty feet. Keith and Ollie were in the mall, too. And Donnie was carrying as well. In her eyes, they were the most dangerous people in the place. She felt perfectly safe. “Please. Just a couple hours. I’ve got my list all planned out. Six stores. In, out, bang.”

  “Not bang, I hope.”

  She grinned up at him and swung their hands. “Well, not until later, anyway.”

  He laughed and brushed his left cheek across her forehead. He wouldn’t kiss her in public. At first, she’d been hurt, but she’d come to understand that he was embarrassed for her, not of her. It hurt her heart for him, but she hadn’t mentioned it. She’d simply stopped trying to kiss him unless they were alone.

  “You make me stupid, stella mia. I break all my rules for you.”

  “Good. Rules are meant to be broken. Come on.” This time when she pulled on his hand, he came forward, and they joined the December bustle of the mall.

  She felt a little guilty, wheedling him into this evening of shopping. But it was Christmas! A mall was just about the perfect place to feel the holiday—bright, glittering decorations everywhere, carols over the sound system, people laden with tons of bags, cookies and hot cocoa, Santa, the works. She was so busy with work during December that she only got a few days to do holiday things like decorate their tree, and bake cookies, and shop, and wrap presents. This was the first Christmas in several years that she had someone extra special to enjoy her favorite holiday with, and she meant to share it all with him.

  But people looked. Since Donnie had given her his lens to see the world, she hadn’t lost it; she couldn’t feel what he felt, but she saw what he saw. People always looked at him, often did double takes, if not stared openly. Too often, their faces twisted in cruel horror. She hated every one of those people, who knew very well they were looking at a man who’d been injured, who’d known horrible pain, and yet they behaved as if his presence in their sight was an offense.

  Children stared almost always. Sometimes, they cried. Toddlers seemed the most easily frightened. Once they got to school age, curiosity tended to be their reaction, but little ones, old enough to walk but not much older, they saw a monster. And Donnie always flinched. For the most part, he was able to go on about his business and not give gawkers undue notice, he seemed easy even with sales clerks who got awkward around him, but he tensed at once when a child saw him and was frightened.

  About halfway through, she pulled him to the cookie shop. Sweets were a rare treat in her life, but she loosened her leash at Christmas. The company had a long break after the holiday, until March, so she could indulge a little and not regret it too much later. A crucial part of the Christmas shopping experience was a break for cream-filled chocolate chip cookie sandwiches and hot cocoa.

  Donnie looked at her like she was nuts, and he got coffee instead of cocoa, but he joined her in a bit of cookie. They sat at a table smack in the middle of the mall, with bags all around them—he’d done some shopping as well—and Ari soaked up the atmosphere. Santa was just ahead, in the very center of the mall. All those cute little babies in their red and green fancy clothes. She’d never have children; her work was too physically demanding, and she didn’t have a strong drive to be a mom, anyway. But she loved other people’s kids.

  She watched the children dressed up like Christmas dolls for a bit, then turned back to Donnie, whose eyes were on her. Unable to read his expression, she smiled and asked, “What?”

  He returned her smile. “You’re beautiful.”

  Her cheeks warmed, and she grinned. The way he said it made the words sound like different words. Words they weren’t ready to exchange yet. But suddenly, they were dancing on the tip of her tongue.

  Instead, she said, “I admire you so much.” Oh, ugh. That didn’t sound right at all.

  His smile faded, and furrows filled the left side of his brow. “Please?”

  “That was an awkward way to say it. I don’t know what I mean. Just ... you ...” She frantically searched for a word that made sense. “You astound me.” AGH! NO! “God, I don’t know how to say it.” She could say it in three words, three true words. But she knew he wouldn’t believe them. Not yet. Not after twenty years of thinking they’d never be true. “When I’m with you, I feel full of, I don’t know, air. Bubbles. I’m light and happy. When I’m away from you, and I think about you, I feel the same, only softer, and I can’t wait to be with you again. I’m amazed by you. You’re so strong and assured, you overcome so much, but you’re vulnerable too, with me, and that feels like a gift, something precious to hold close, and ... I don’t know, Donnie. I’m happy. I’m so happy with you. I don’t ever want to lose the way I feel about you.”

  Horrified at her verbal vomit that hadn’t gotten close to what she was feeling, Ari focused fiercely on her cookie.

  Donnie’s hand reached across the little table and curled over her wrist. “Arianna.”

  She lifted her eyes. The twinkling Christmas decorations sparkled in the deep blue of his. He didn’t speak for long seconds, only stared into her eyes.

  “You make me happy, too,” he said at
last.

  Ari had the feeling that they’d both said much more than the words themselves.

  ~oOo~

  After their cookie and googly-eyes break, they gathered up their bags and took on Round Two: her family. She always got her Aunt Anita a gold charm for her bracelet, and one of the big chain jewelers was running a sale on them, so that was her first stop.

  All the clerks were with other customers, so Ari picked out the charm she wanted—a cat with crystal eyes—and browsed the cases aimlessly while she waited her turn. Donnie shadowed her as he had through most of the stores—back a few steps to give her room to do what she needed to do, close enough to be there if she needed him. Alert as always, he was another bodyguard as much as a shopping companion.

  She came across a case of diamond solitaire earrings. She wore only stud earrings, and she coveted a pair of really nice diamond studs, but she’d never told anyone. They were too expensive, and she’d feel guilty. Hoping for a sale—like, a clearance-everything-must-go kind of sale, she peered close to read the tags, but no. Regular price. Her share of the rent for a few months.

  “May I help you?” A clerk came over with a smile. “May I show you some diamonds?”

  Ari smiled and shook her head. “Not diamonds, no. You’re having a sale on gold charms? I’d like to see the little cat, please.”

  The clerk’s perfect customer-service smile faltered a little at the shift from a four-figure sale to a two-figure sale, but she recovered quickly and ushered her to the right case. Ari selected the charm and paid for it, then waited while the clerk found a box for it and wrapped it in silver paper. When she turned, she found Donnie at the entrance, most of their bags at his feet. His hands were linked behind his back like a guard on duty.

  “Okay!” She went to him with a smile. “Two more things to check off my list, and you’re in the clear.”

  He grinned and held out one hand. On it rested a little hinged jewelry box, its lid open. Bedded on satin in the box was a pair of diamond solitaire earrings. Each one was a carat—she knew, because she’d just been looking at those earrings.

  “What did you do? Did you buy me diamond earrings?”

  “Well, I didn’t steal them.”

  “You bought me diamond earrings?”

  His smile wobbled a bit; her shock was the wrong reaction. He’d bought her the diamonds she’d silently coveted! He’d noticed her looking—and what she’d been looking at! And she probably didn’t need to feel guilty, since he was Mr. Top-of-the-Line Porsche, Bespoke Suit, Mob Underboss.

  “Oh my God! You’re astounding! But shouldn’t you wait until Christmas?”

  “They’re not your Christmas gift. I suppose they’re your Christmas-shopping gift. Arianna, do you want them?”

  She snatched the box off his hand. “Yes! Yes!” She dropped her bags and threw her arms around his neck. When she kissed his cheek, he flinched but didn’t back off.

  The customers in the store applauded and called out congratulations. They thought he’d proposed.

  Ari didn’t care. She felt full of air and bubbles, and she kissed his cheek again. “I love you! I love you!”

  Oh God! No! She wanted nothing more than to take those words back. He wasn’t ready for them. He wasn’t ready.

  Donnie froze completely, and all at once. He became an iceberg. The people in the store were still celebrating an imaginary proposal, and Donnie was turning into the man she most feared. The beast who hurt her with his fear.

  She held on with all her might, even as his hands dropped to her hips to push her off. At his ear—his left ear, she always went to his left because he always made sure she did—she whispered, fast and desperate, “Please. Please. Believe me. I’m true, Donnie. I’m real. I love you. Please don’t turn to ice now. Please. You’ll break my heart.”

  The tension in his hands eased first; he stopped trying to push her off. From there, he thawed slowly, until she thought she could ease back down from her toes and meet his eyes. His were full and rioting. Ari put her hands on his cheeks, ignoring his flinch and the way his eyes darted to the people around them.

  “I love you, Donato Goretti. I love you. There is no part of me that doesn’t love every part of you.”

  Staring down at her, he took a long, slow, deep breath. He cupped a hand around her cheek. “I need to get out of here.”

  She understood. Too much had happened in these few moments for more shopping to follow. But she needed to know one crucial thing: “With me? You’re with me?”

  After terrifying seconds when he only stared, Donnie finally smiled a little. “With you.”

  ~oOo~

  In all honesty, Ari preferred dancing the Sugar Plum Fairy. The steps were more interesting, though Clara was on the stage far more. The premiere performance went well overall. Baxter was right; Jessi was the better Clara, or rather, Jessi was better as Clara than she would have been in another key role, and frankly, the talent on the girls’ side was getting a bit thin. This year’s company auditions would be critical for finding new talent—which meant that Ari would be spending her winter break recruiting regionally.

  Ari danced her ass off and had another brilliant performance. She always danced better when Donnie was watching.

  She turned off the shower in the communal dressing room and used one of the ancient blow-dryers on her hair. Tonight, street clothes and a ponytail wouldn’t be enough to return to the world. Tonight, she was meeting Nick Pagano and his family, and going with them, and Donnie, of course, for a late dinner. She was as nervous as she’d ever been. Nick Pagano was more than a powerful, terrifying don. He was Donnie’s boss, and his best friend.

  As a tradition, Donnie brought Nick and his family—a wife and four children—to his box for The Nutcracker every year. She’d also learned that Nick and his wife were Donnie’s frequent guests. They’d seen her dance almost every part she’d danced in Providence. Intimidated a little by thought that Don Pagano was even mildly familiar with her, she made an effort to be beautiful this evening. A snug, shimmery red column dress with a bateau neckline. A pair of black suede pumps with a kitten heel. She hated high heels with a passion—her feet hurt enough for work, thank you very much—but the inch-and-a-half on these pumps wasn’t awful. Without time to do both her hair and her face nicely, she chose her face, makeup for a night out, and caught the front of her hair in a barrette at the back of her head.

  Julian came out of the shower, wrapped in a towel, and stood behind her, watching as she closed the barrette.

  “Another premiere you’re not celebrating with us.”

  She smiled at him, and then at the orange roses Donnie had sent. This time, she’d leave them here, so she could see them as she prepped for the next performances. “Sorry. Big parties aren’t Donnie’s thing.”

  “Okay.” He kissed her head. “You’re beautiful. Have fun.”

  ~oOo~

  The lobby was always more crowded after a performance of The Nutcracker. Because even the evening performances drew a younger crowd, the theatre put on a kind of winter wonderland of holiday displays. Between the glittering stations of giant sugar plums, animatronic skaters, and sparkling snowmen, and the goggle-eyed children, and adults, enjoying them, the lobby was packed well after the end of the performance. When Ari made it out, after undressing, showering, dressing, and redoing her hair and makeup, up to a hundred or so ticketholders, young and old, milled about.

  And still, Donnie and his friends stood out. It had nothing to do with his scars and everything to do with the way he drew her close, body and soul. She’d loved before, but not like this. This love seemed to have changed the organic composition of her body. She loved him at a cellular level.

  He saw her at once and smiled. Her belly flipflopped. Last night, after she’d spewed out the words he wasn’t ready for, he’d been quiet. Not distant, not cold, but thoughtful. They’d made quiet, gentle love in her room, but he hadn’t stayed the night. He’d had to be in the office first thing thi
s morning. But she thought he believed her. He knew she’d told him the truth, and that was a better present than anything, even the diamond studs in her ears.

  “You were breathtaking, Arianna.” He caught her elbow in his hand and leaned in to brush her cheek with his. At her ear, he added, “And these look perfect,” and nuzzled her earlobe and the diamond in it. Not a kiss, never a kiss in public, but almost as good. Enough to make her flutter.

  He drew her a few steps to where his friends stood. Nick Pagano, she knew without being introduced. He was an important man in Rhode Island, known as much for his business and philanthropy as for his underworld dealings. He was an extremely handsome older man, tall and well built, with the most intimidatingly intense eyes she’d ever seen. But he smiled as Donnie introduced him, and he offered his hand.

  “Very pleased to meet you, Miss Luciano. We enjoyed your performance very much.”

  Ari shook the hand of Don Pagano. “Thank you. And I’m glad to meet you. Please, call me Ari.”

  With a gallant tip of his head, he said, “Ari, allow me to introduce my wife, Beverly.”

  Beverly Pagano was a beautiful woman. She seemed younger than her husband but still old enough to have grown children. She was built like Ari’s mother had been, and her aunt was—not really heavy, but ample in the hip and chest. When voluptuous met gravity. Though Ari didn’t have it herself, after a lifetime of dedication to her body and diet, she thought of it as an Italian build.

  Ari offered her hand first. “Donna Pagano. It’s an honor.”

  Don Pagano reacted subtly to her use of the honorific. A tip of his head only, either curiosity or approval, she wasn’t sure which. Had Donnie told him she had connections of her own?

  “For everyone who isn’t Nick, I’m Bev. I can’t tell you how happy I am to meet you, Ari.” Donna Pagano squeezed Ari’s hand in both of hers. “It was a delight to watch you dance tonight. You were wonderful.”

  “Thank you so much.” She turned and smiled at the children standing beside their mother. Only two of them seemed truly children. Two were young women who seemed about the same age. “Hi!”