Raw

by Simone Sowood

“I told her I hope she hasn’t spent it because she’s going to need it for her legal fees. And then I told her she was a swivel-headed bitch with a unibrow,” Isabel says and the three of us dissolve into a fit of laughter.

  It feels so good to laugh with my friends. Maybe it’s the little moments like this that make life worth living.

  Chapter 34

  Xander

  I’d spent the entire Uber drive numb from the shock of Elsie walking out on me, made more numb by the Jack Daniels. When I got home I raided my liquor cabinet until I passed out.

  Now I’m flopped out on the sofa in my New York City apartment, the TV on the wall blaring with some sports match somewhere but I’m not paying any attention. I’ve been doing the same thing since I got here — research on my laptop.

  Until Elsie I never knew anything about multiple sclerosis but have Googled every last corner of the internet about it. I’ve read about the disease, medical research and above all else, personal accounts. Now filled with knowledge of the subject, I completely understand every last word Elsie said.

  I would’ve done the exact same thing in her shoes.

  That doesn’t mean I miss her any less. In fact, I love her more now than I ever did. It physically hurts me that she’s going through this and tears me up that I’m powerless to help. If only I could make her better.

  An email notification from my lawyer pops up on my screen and I click into it.

  Finally found him, scared the fuck out of the guy — no need to worry about the drone footage ever getting public. As requested, here’s a copy. No, I didn’t watch it. Brent

  Relief floods me. At least I’ve been able to save Elsie from the embarrassment of the drone footage. Curious to see the video, I pick up my laptop and go into my office, shutting the door behind me.

  Setting my computer on my glass top desk, I press play and enlarge the video to full screen. Elsie is playing with her nipples in the waterfall and just like then I’m instantly hard. Mesmerized, I watch us in the pool, her under the water sucking my cock, me bending her over the side and fucking her senseless. Her screams fill my office and my soul.

  The video ends and I restart it. It’s amazing to think how healthy she looks in the video considering what’s going on inside her body. She’s far and away the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and all the blood in my body rushes to my dick.

  She throws her head back and I trace her neck with my finger, aching to feel her softness in real life.

  Fuck it, I undo my jeans and take my shaft in my hand. With my eyes fixed firmly on her face I stroke faster and faster, trying desperately to pretend her walls are wrapped around me instead of my own hand.

  The door swings open and Luna bursts into the room. “Jesus, put it away.”

  Scrambling, I slam the lid of my laptop shut and pull my jeans up, cursing myself for having a glass desk.

  “What are you doing here?” I bark.

  “Tonya, your thoughtful housekeeper, told me you were home. She’s worried about you. She said you haven’t moved off the couch since you got home and that you’re in a hideous mood. I told her I’d come over and cheer you up.”

  “You can’t. Go home,” I say, tapping my index finger against the glass.

  Luna chuckles and plops herself down in the armchair on the other side of my desk. Propping her elbows on the glass top she says, “We haven’t seen each other since your little interview. We need to talk anyway, so here I am.”

  “No, we don’t. Now fuck off home.” I don’t want to see anyone right now. Not that I know who I would even turn to. Luna, I suppose. There is no one else. But I want to be left alone.

  “Tonya is very concerned.”

  “Remind me to fire her.”

  “Are you going to tell me what’s upsetting you? Is it because of me?” she says in her fake sweet voice.

  “No, it’s nothing to do with you. Now how many times do I have to tell you to leave?”

  “Enough, we both know I’m not going anywhere.”

  I exhale sharply, knowing that she won’t leave. Though my mind is firmly on Elsie I ask, “Why did you do it? Why fuck my father? He’s almost like your own dad.” Maybe I’ll get a different answer away from the heat of the moment.

  “It was just a bit of fun, you know that. Life is about having fun, isn’t it?”

  “Within reason, and if you’re able to.”

  “Well, I am able to, so I’m going to have all the fun in the world.”

  “Fuck happiness, right? Because carrying on with that scummy old man doesn’t make anyone happy,” I say and smack my fist against the desktop.

  “Easy. Tonya’s right, what is up with you?”

  I bite my lips and glare at her. There is no way I could even begin to explain how I feel right now. How could I when I don’t really understand it myself? Elsie listened to me and offered me hope for my future when I had none, only to yank it away from me when I thought I had everything figured out.

  “Is this about the hotel girl? I told you things between you would be over in a flash, didn’t I? It’s not too late you know, we can say we got back together and you can come back on Lunatics. Everything will be perfect,” she says excitedly.

  “It’s not like that and I’m not coming back on your show unless hell freezes over.”

  “That’s a bit dramatic. Think of what it would do to the ratings.”

  “Would you stop being so self-centered all the time? Some people have real problems you know,” I blurt.

  “Touchy, I must be getting close to the root of the problem. So, where is your lover then? Still at the hotel?”

  “She’s sick,” I say in a firm voice.

  “Got the flu and your balls are blue waiting for her to get better? That would explain your sullenness.”

  “Not the flu. A real sickness that’s never going to get better.”

  Luna’s face drops and she says, “Shit, sorry.”

  “Yeah, it’s like that.”

  “At least you had a lucky escape. Could you imagine if you’d done something stupid like married her and then found out? Better to get out while you can, right?”

  Rage courses through me and I jump out of my seat and throw the desk forward, tipping it on Luna. The glass shatters and she screams. I don’t care if she’s cut. I don’t wait to find out. Moving as fast as I can, I stride out of the room before I break something else.

  “Get out of my home,” I yell as I enter the hallway.

  “Fat fucking chance. I’ve never seen you like this before, I’m hardly about to leave you,” Luna says, running after me, blood smeared on her arm.

  Spinning around, I rise to my full height and from the pit of my stomach I yell, “I need to be alone. I need to figure out my life.”

  But I already know the answer. Every question I ask myself leads to the same place. Seeing Luna reconfirmed everything. I take a deep breath and in a calm voice say, “Actually, I do want back on your show.”

  Chapter 35

  Elsie

  “Where are you going? I just told you to work in here and get through all the work that’s been missed since you’ve been off,” Cynthia says, her eyes narrowed.

  “Oh, right,” I say and close the door to her office. I’ve been in here for an hour, but I stopped listening after she said I still have a job. I only have a vague idea of what she said to me after that because I can’t stop thinking about Xander.

  Being back in the hotel where we first met has brought a whole new level of hurt to my heart. Everywhere I look reminds me of him.

  I sit at one of the computers. There is a stack of papers beside it and I pick them up and look through them as if I am focusing on what I’m doing.

  “Good, I have an off-site lunch meeting with a vendor, I’ll be back later,” Cynthia says. I force a smile at her as she takes her purse and leaves the office.

  As soon as the door is closed, I take my phone and spin the chair away from the computer monitor. I don’t even have t
o Google Xander Whitman anymore to get his photo up. I’ve already saved a hundred or more and I scroll through them, pausing on each of my favorites.

  The last one is my favorite of all. He’s shirtless except the camera only captures him from the shoulders up. You can just see a hint of the top of his tattoo sleeve. But it’s his eyes that get me the most. They are staring through the camera lens and straight into me. He looks wounded and I know why.

  If nothing else it makes me immensely proud that I was able to help him with Luna and all his family issues. It’s my one gift to the man I will always love.

  The idea of texting him to find out how he’s doing keeps popping up in the front of my mind, but I always come to my senses before I can follow through. We both need a clean break to make things as easy as possible.

  At least for now. Maybe one day we will be able to talk or even be friends, but right now the feelings are too raw.

  It’s a good thing Cynthia didn’t put me on the front desk today because all I want to do is wallow. I sigh and glance at the paperwork. Nathan wasn’t kidding when he said the place has fallen apart without me. What has Cynthia been doing while I’ve been off?

  Apparently nothing.

  Knowing that, statistically, I’ll have to stop working in a few years, I struggle to force myself to do the work. My enthusiasm for the job has vanished. Instead, I start wading through the papers with little attention or interest.

  There’s a tap at the door and Nathan pokes his head through.

  “How did it go with Cynthia?” he asks, stepping into the room.

  I shrug and say, “Fine, I suppose. I have a job anyway, probably because she needs someone to do the work.”

  “It’s not like she does any herself,” Nathan says, gesturing around the room.

  Holding up the stack of papers I say, “Tell me about it.”

  “Anyway,” Nathan says, pressing his index finger to his cheek. “We’ve got a guy kicking off in room two-fifteen and I can’t calm him down.”

  My nose scrunches up. “What’s the issue?”

  “I don’t know. Something about the TV.”

  “What about it? Did you send maintenance up?”

  “He’s not interested. He’s demanding to speak to the manager.”

  Rolling my eyes, I say, “Can’t you pretend to be the manager? I’m not in the mood.”

  “What? You’d rather stay here and do Cynthia’s boring paperwork?” Nathan says, grinning like a fool.

  “Good point, at least it will give me an excuse for not having it all done when she gets back,” I say and stand.

  We walk out of the room together, laughing about Cynthia’s failure to cope on her own.

  “Good luck with him,” Nathan says as we reach the front desk and he moves behind it.

  I roll my eyes again and make my way up the stairs and to the room. I tap on the door and it flings open.

  Xander fills the doorframe, his eyes heavy and piercing, and my heart stops at the shock.

  “What are you doing here?” I ask, my voice a mere gasp.

  He pulls me into the room and shuts the door. Before I can ask the question again, he closes his lips over mine and backs me up against the wall.

  Placing my hands on his chest, I try to push him away, but he doesn’t budge. We can’t do this, but he is a rock and impossible to act against. He runs his tongue along my lips, coaxing them apart and I’m powerless to resist as he deepens the kiss.

  Every last iota of my body fills with heat and love and the oxygen I lost when I walked out of the apartment on him.

  I wrap my arms around him and my feet seem to float off the floor. All the heaviness is drained, the weight of the diagnosis gone. His mouth on mine breathes life back into me.

  My mind races with questions, what is he doing here? Is this really happening? Should this be happening?

  I pull my lips away and once again ask, “Xander, what are you doing here?”

  “Kissing the woman I love,” he says and slams his mouth against mine. His tongue circles mine in a firm motion that lays bare his claim on me. Shivers race over my skin and a moan escapes my throat.

  In a quick motion, Xander hooks his arm behind my knees and cradles me in his arms. I grip his neck as he walks across the room, my core bubbling with heat and my heart torn in two. In my mind I know we can never be together.

  This is wrong. I have to stop it.

  Although one last time together is probably okay. Right?

  He lays me in the middle of the bed and lies alongside me, propped up on one elbow. I don’t know what to think or say, so don’t think or say anything at all. Xander smooths my hair away from my face and drags his thumb down my face, awakening all the emotions I’ve been trying so hard to suppress.

  Cupping my cheek, he says, “I was on my way to film an episode of Lunatics. One last episode. In it I was going to publicly profess my love for you to the world and how I don’t care about any stupid disease you have because without you my life is meaningless.”

  I open my mouth but Xander holds a finger up to it and continues. “But in the car I realized that doing something like that on a TV show isn’t real life, and if there’s one thing our relationship is, it’s real. So, I drove straight here, to tell you in private, like a normal person.”

  “But you don’t understand, I’m not a normal person and nothing in my life will be normal,” I say, blinking back tears because I want more than anything to melt into him and cling on for dear life but know I can’t.

  Xander shakes his head and in a low voice says, “I do understand. I’ve read all about it and no matter how bad it gets it won’t be near as bad as not having you in my life.”

  Chapter 36

  Xander

  Elsie squeezes her eyes shut and says, “I can’t let you. You deserve an amazing life and with me you will only get hardship. Please, for my sake, go out and take the best the world can give you.”

  My hand slides to her hip and takes hold of her. “I am taking the best that the world can give me. What do you think I’m doing here?”

  She’s quiet. Even though her eyes are shut she turns her head away. “You really did research?” she asks, a tremble in her voice.

  “Trust me, I know exactly what you’re facing and I’m going to be there with you. You haven’t chosen this life, but I have. I’m choosing you. Everything else is irrelevant.”

  Elsie shakes her head, the tremble that was in her voice spreading throughout her body. I draw her tight against me and wrap my arms around her. My muscles ease at the feel of her in my arms. This is exactly where I want her, need her, forever.

  “I never thought it was possible to feel so loved,” she says, her voice a whisper.

  “We’re just getting started,” I say and nibble at her neck. She tastes like peaches and cream pie, perfection laid out in front of a starving man and there’s no way in hell I’ll ever let her push me away.

  I slide my hand over the curve of her hip and down her thigh until I reach the hem of her skirt. Slipping my hand underneath it, I inch it up, enjoying the warmth of her skin until I’m tantalizingly close to her center.

  Elsie tilts her hips and shifts her legs, widening them and allowing me full access.

  “Glad you came to your senses,” I say and kiss her forehead.

  “We’ve both lost our senses.”

  “As long as we’re in the same place.”

  “Together,” she breathes as if she understands there is only one option for us.

  “Together. We’re going to live life to the fullest, starting now, making the good times last as long as we can. And when your legs stop working I’ll carry you. I’ll do everything for you and when there is nothing more I can do, I’ll hold you so tight that the rest of the world won’t matter.”

  Elsie raises her eyes to mine, her green orbs glistening as though all her love is pouring out of them. “Thank you for coming back for me, Paul Newman.”

  “I told you, call m
e Xander, that’s the real me,” I say and brush my fingers against her mound, annoyed at the barrier of her panties.

  She takes hold of my arm and makes a half-hearted attempt to push it away. “I’m at work, it’s my first day back from my suspension.”

  “Work? That doesn’t sound like fun. Quit and we can travel the world.”

  “I can’t quit, I have to make money while I can.”

  “Then I’ll have to get you fired,” I say and shove her panties aside. As if she’s going to keep working when we have a life to live while we can. I still don’t know what our future looks like in the short or long term, but it sure as hell doesn’t include Elsie working a nine-to-five job.

  I do know it includes me making her scream, a lot.

  Meshing my fingers through her hair, I ram two fingers into her entrance. I hold her tight as my fingers drive against her walls. They’re tight around me and I show no mercy as I scissor my fingers inside her. She responds best when I’m rough.

  It’s the easiest way to make her lose control.

  Elsie grunts and moans under my touch. Her walls grow slick and before long my fingers are coated and slippery and my cock aches to be inside her pussy.

  “I’m serious. We can’t do this now,” Elsie says and tries to squirm away from me. I tighten my grip on her hair. I’m not letting her go anywhere.

  “Why the fuck not?”

  “Because…” I crush my mouth against hers before she can finish her sentence and kiss her like the starving man finally eating his piece of peaches and cream.

  Her shoulders tense and then relax as she submits to me. I find her clit with my thumb and circle it, teasing it, coaxing more moans out of her. She gasps and I break the kiss. Her walls tighten around my fingers and I rub her clit faster.

  Elsie fists my shirt in her hands, sparking an animal reaction deep inside me. I shove her body flat on the bed and fling myself down until my head is between her legs.

  Ripping her panties off, I bury my face in her pussy. My dick is fully erect and I flick open the button on my jeans to give it some space. Grinding it against the bed, I dive in, dragging my tongue between her entrance and clit and back.