Raw

by Simone Sowood

  I hate having to lie to my parents about where I’m really staying all these evenings. It’s just I can’t face my father freaking out. Even if he didn’t know who I was staying with, he’d accuse me of damaging his reputation because everyone in the town would know I was out sleeping around.

  Living in this town is all I’ve ever known, but some days all I can think of is getting the hell out of it. And that thought has been consuming me more and more every day.

  All I want to do is live my life like the adult I am, and be with the person I want to be with. I’m tired of people still whispering behind my back about the carnival that happened months ago. How deafening would their whispers be if they knew I was with Steel right now? I can’t figure out how to go public with this. Or even why I should have to deal with this shit as an issue in the first place.

  “Burrito with cheesy chips,” I say to the teenager behind the counter.

  “The same,” Steel says.

  Steel takes our tray and chooses a table at the far edge of the food court. I take a seat beside him instead of across from him so I can tease him with my thigh. Though I have to be careful. Knowing him he’d bend me over the table and fuck me right here in the middle of the mall.

  We sit as close to each other as we can get in the fixed chairs, enough that our arms are touching as we eat.

  I take a sip of my Coke, clear my throat and say, “I’ve been thinking. I’m getting really tired of living in a small town.”

  “And why’s that?”

  “For starters, it’s boring. Every day is the same, doing what’s expected of me.”

  “Boring doesn’t sound the issue in that sentence.”

  I sigh. “No, it’s not. It’s something else. I’m tired of everyone having their noses in my business. Of the way people have talked behind my back ever since the fair. And somehow my family thinks that whatever those people think is the most important thing in the world, when all I really want to do is walk down the street with your arm around me.”

  “The only thing stopping me from doing that is you.”

  “Whatever, the thing stopping me from you doing it is my family.”

  “No, it’s you caring what they think.”

  “Maybe if the town isn’t ever going to accept us, it’s time for me to leave.”

  Steel smirks. “You know I’d go wherever tonight, but are you really serious about leaving? It’s not only your family, it’s your job.”

  “I know. And I’m been thinking a lot about this. We can move far enough away that I can still commute to work.”

  “And you’d still keep me a secret,” he states, his voice flat.

  “Not from my family, only the town.”

  “Because I’ll never be good enough for your family.”

  “You know what? If you’re not, then I don’t care about them anymore. They’ll be dead to me.”

  My heart is racing, I thought he’d like this plan. I didn’t know it would offend him.

  “Dead to you as parents, but still your boss.”

  “So maybe I will find another job. We can go wherever, do whatever we want. Be nomads, just like you want to be.”

  “That might be who I am but that’s not who you are,” he says, bringing his face near mine.

  “I’d follow you just about anywhere.”

  Steel’s blue eyes shine into mine, seeming to decide if I’m being serious or not. I wish I could figure this out. How do I take him home to meet my parents? They’ll freak, even if they didn’t know he was a carny. It’s been a month and I still don’t have any better ideas than I did on the first night.

  “I hope you’re serious, Goldie, because I can’t take much more of this. I need my woman at my side all the time, not just when she can sneak out of her parents’ house.”

  “Are you going to go all caveman on me, and drag me back to your cave?”

  “Fucking right, I will.”

  We each take another bite of our burritos and chew in silence. He’s right. It’s not being fair on him, and I need to solve this problem as fast as I can.

  To try to smooth things over, I swallow my food and throw my arms around him. I squeeze as tight as I can, letting his clean scent soothe me.

  “Emily?” my mother’s voice comes through the noise of the food court.

  Shit. Not now. Not here.

  Releasing my hold on Steel, I sit up straight. My chest flutters with nerves, and before I know it, Steel takes my hand. If I get through this, it will only be because of his touch.

  In an instant, my mother is at the side of our table.

  “Who’s this?” She asks, trying not to look at Steel.

  “Mom, this is Kayden, Kayden, my mom, Carol.”

  Steel stands and offers his hand for her to shake. When my mother finally does look at him, her eyes beeline straight to his neck tattoo. She is frozen but eventually lifts her arm and touches only the tips of his fingers between hers. I stand as well.

  A moment later, my father appears behind her, loaded down with shopping bags. At first he looks confused, his brow furrowed as his eyes flit over me and Steel before his face turns to stone.

  “And this is my dad, Greg,” I say, resigning myself to what is happening.

  “Sir,” Steel says, offering his hand again.

  My father ignores him, instead turning to me and saying, “Who is this?”

  “Kayden,” I hesitate before adding, “my boyfriend.”

  “Boyfriend? Why haven’t we heard about any boyfriend?” He looks at Steel and stares, his eyes boring into him.

  “Why don’t you join us,” I say, gesturing to the table.

  “I can get you some drinks,” Steel says.

  “That’s not necessary,” my dad says.

  I turn to sit back at the table, and take Steel’s hand. Once we’re seated beside one another, I turn my head to look at my parents. They look back at me for a moment, before sitting down across from us at the table.

  None of us speaks. My mother’s lips are pursed and my father looks as though his head might explode.

  They ignore Steel and speak to me as though he wasn’t sitting at the table with us.

  “What’s going on, Emily?” my father says.

  “Steel and I are getting something to eat before we see a movie.”

  “Steel?” my father says. Oops.

  “It’s his nickname.”

  My father rolls his eyes.

  “Is this some kind of prank?” my mother says.

  “No, Mom, this is not a prank. This is the man I’m in a serious relationship with.”

  “Since when?” She says.

  I shrug. “A few months now. Since October.”

  “Dear Jesus, he’s that fucking carny, isn’t he?” my father says, slapping the table with his hand.

  My body flinches — I’ve never heard him say the F word in my life, let alone directing it at me.

  We’re Not Going to Take It

  (Steel)

  Emily flinches at her father’s words, and I put my arm around her to comfort her. This wasn’t how I’d pictured being introduced to her parents, but at least they finally know about me.

  “We met at the carnival, yes. Now Steel lives here.”

  “Oh, and what does he do now?” Her dad says.

  “He’s looking for a job.”

  “I’ve been picking up lots of day work until I figure out something permanent,” I say.

  Her dad’s eyes shift to me and then back to Emily.

  “How old is he?”

  “Twenty-seven,” I say.

  Her father ignores me, and says, “I’m not going to sit here and watch my twenty-year-old daughter throw her life away with some degenerate.”

  “I’m an adult, Dad.”

  “I don’t care how old you are, no self-respecting woman goes around with his kind.”

  “It’s not safe,” her mom whispers. Does she think I can’t hear her?

  “Emily, why are you disrespectin
g yourself like this?” Her dad says.

  “You know he’s sitting right here, right? You could talk to him, you know.”

  Her dad looks at me with disgust. Papa Smurf wasn’t kidding about the rest of the world hating on us.

  “You don’t have to do this, you know. Whatever point you’re trying to make has been made,” her dad says.

  “The only point I’m trying to make is that I want you all to get along,” Emily says.

  “We can’t have him in our house for dinner, he’ll steal something. That’s probably how he got his nickname. Does he have a criminal record?”

  “Give me a break, he’s not a thief. Maybe if you actually talked to him, you’d find out what a great guy he is.”

  “Get real, Emily, he’s a slimy carnie,” he says.

  Unfuckingbelievable.

  “Listen to yourself. I can’t believe how rude you’re being,” Emily says, leaning across the table.

  I stroke down her arm and pull her elbow until she’s sitting straight again. I let go of her and roughly scratch my temple before resting my hand on her arm. It’s best if she stays calm.

  “You listen to me,” her father says. “I’m not going to sit by and watch my daughter do something stupid like turn into a carny’s whore.”

  Enough.

  “Sir, I can sit here and listen to you insult me all day long. Ain’t nothing I never heard before. But don’t think I’m going to sit here for one second and listen to you insult Emily,” I say, my voice steady and forceful.

  Her mother visibly recoils. I’m tempted to say ‘boo’ to her, but she’d fall off her chair.

  “What? That’s supposed to mean something to me?” Her dad says, his nostrils flaring.

  “It means you’re sitting here lecturing your daughter about having some respect for herself, so where’s yours?”

  “My what?”

  “Respect for her. Because all I’m hearing is disrespect. And I’d got to tell you, she’s worth more respect than anyone I’ve ever known.”

  Emily starts weeping, and I pull her into my arms. I don’t give a fucking damn about her parents. I don’t think I’ll ever give a damn about them. They don’t even want to have a polite conversation with me? Fuck them.

  All that matters now is her. This is crushing her, I can tell. It’s everything she’s been stressing about come true.

  “Are you okay, Goldie?” I say into her ear, my voice low.

  She sobs harder against my chest. I blot out everything else, her parents, the food court, the mall, everything except her.

  “Do you want to stay, or do you want me to get you out of here? It’s up to you.”

  Emily’s mother starts to speak without even attempting to lower her voice, “Oh, dear God, she said she was going to stay at Courtney’s tonight, Greg.”

  A shudder runs through Emily’s body. She’s obviously heard what her mother said. Fire courses through my veins. How dare they do this to her.

  “Come on, we’re leaving,” I say, standing and pulling Emily up with me. I glare at her parents and say, “She’ll speak to you when you can be civil. You should be ashamed of yourselves, treating your daughter this way.”

  Her dad starts to say something, but I don’t hear it. I need to get her out of here.

  I have no idea if they’ll follow us to hassle her some more, or if her dad will try to stop us from going, so I hustle my ass, half carrying Emily all the way to her car.

  “I’ll drive,” I say, grabbing her purse and fishing through it for her key.

  Once the car is unlocked, I open the passenger door and bustle her into the car, all while watching behind me for signs of her father. I hop into the driver’s seat, slide it back to make room for my legs, and pull away. Her phone beeps, probably a text message.

  After a mile or so, I ask, “How are you doing?”

  A massive sob shudders out of her chest. I reach over and rest my hand on her thigh, wondering how fast I can drive to get back to the motel. Ten over, twenty? I don’t want those two following us or finding out where we’re staying.

  Emily’s sobbing lessens after a few more miles. I don’t think there’s any point in talking until I can do it with her in my arms. She needs the time to digest what just happened. I’ve got to calm myself down anyway. Her phone rings, and she pulls it out of her purse and turns it off.

  The last thing I need to do is say something about her parents that pushes her back to them. Even though I’d like to bust her dad’s nose open right about now.

  We pull into the Motel 6 parking lot and I park near my door. I help Emily out of the car, and grip her hand while I unlock the door to the room.

  The second we’re in the room and the door is shut behind us, I pull her against me and hold her tight.

  “I need some water,” she says, looking up at me.

  “Sit down, I’ll get you some.”

  I guide her to the side of the bed and she sits. There’s a wrapped glass on a shelf, and I unwrap it and fill it with water from the bathroom tap. Turning to leave the bathroom, I come face to face with Emily. Her eyes are puffy and rimmed in red.

  “How could they treat you like that? They didn’t even give you a chance. No hi, how are you, nice to meet you. Nothing. They just sat there and insulted you.”

  “Welcome to my world,” I say, passing her the glass.

  “But why didn’t they listen to me at all? I told them what a great guy you are, and they didn’t give you a chance.”

  “Honestly? I can’t say I’m too surprised. I told you, no one approves of their daughter hooking up with a carny, especially not some rich guy like your father.”

  “I don’t care. They were just plain rude, like you said. I can’t believe the way they treated you, or me,” she says.

  “Hopefully it was just the shock of them finding out, and they’ll think about things tonight and be rational in the morning.”

  Emily put the glass to her lips but doesn’t open her mouth. Instead, she lets the water wash against her lips, her eyes narrowed. The longer she stands there, the more her eyes narrow.

  She opens her lips and takes several gulps of water. I take the glass out of her hand and set it back on the shelf, before pulling her back into my arms.

  “It pisses me off so much, it makes me want to run away and join the carnival,” she says, her voice steady and strong.

  It’s a bad idea. She’s not cut out for the carnival. But I can’t deny her words make my heart leap a little.

  Running with the Devil

  (Emily)

  “You’ll figure things out with them,” Steel says.

  “You’ve been right all along.”

  “About?”

  “I need to be my own woman and live my own life. Instead of doing what they want and expect me to do.”

  “You don’t mean that.”

  “My entire life is laid out in front of me, and it’s so boring. I’m twenty and drive a mom car. I want to do something fun for once.”

  “So you’re serious?”

  “Yes, I’m serious. Let’s go work at the carnival all summer. It’d be so much fun.” I need to get away from my shitty little small town and figure out my life. It’s difficult to think of a funner way to do that than by running away with Steel.

  “It’s not all fun and games. You’d be working your ass off.”

  “I don’t mind getting my hands dirty.”

  “You sure about that? Those nails look pretty polished to me.”

  Taking a step back from him, I say, “I didn’t just think of this today. I’ve been wondering about it for ages. Before you ever showed up in town again, actually.”

  “I don’t buy it.”

  “It’s true. When I was trying to find you, I wondered about taking off and joining different carnivals until I found you.”

  Steel rolls his eyes and my heart sinks. I take the glass of water from the shelf and walk back to the bed. Why isn’t he excited by this? I thought he’d be
all over it.

  Plunking myself on the edge of the bed, I set the water on the bedside table and grab my purse. Unable to resist the urge any longer, I pull out my phone and turn it on.

  It vibrates non-stop, and the room fills with the chimes of new texts messages and voicemails. From my mother, my father, my brothers and Courtney.

  The texts are more of their shit. My mother begging me to be safe, my father accusing me of only doing this to hurt his precious reputation, and the others asking me what the hell is going on. I can’t be bothered to listen to the voicemails, I have a pretty damn good idea what they say.

  I send a response to Courtney.

  I’ve been dating Steel and my parents found out and flipped.

  A phone call from my mother comes while the phone is in my hand. I hit ignore and set the phone on the table.

  Steel pulls up the desk chair and places it in front of me. He sits and leans forwards, taking my hands in his.

  “Remember the way your parents talked about me? That’s how people would talk about you.”

  “People can say whatever they want about me. It’s not like it’d be any worse than the way my parents talk about me.”

  “I ain’t kidding. You won’t believe the shit the public will try on you. They’ll look at you different than they do now. You’ll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you any way they feel, because you’re scum and don’t deserve any respect. In their minds, you’ve had your trial, and you’re guilty.”

  I’m quiet and stare at my hands in his while I contemplate Steel’s words. How bad is it? Is he exaggerating because he doesn’t want me to join?

  “What about the other carnies? How would they treat me?”

  “Other carnies won’t do nothing to you, they’d all know you was my woman and it’d be hands off. They’re good people, they’d make sure no townie did something to you.”

  “What do you mean? Physically?”

  “A pretty girl like you? Trust me, some of those townie folk think they have the right to get handsy with you.”

  “I somehow don’t think you’d let anything happen to me.”