Raw

by Simone Sowood

  “Fine, you want to know so bad? She had a revolving door of abusive men in her life, she finally married the worst one of all. And one day I realized I’d grown, and was bigger than him. So the next time he hit her, I beat the fucking shit out of him.”

  “You beat him up,” she states, staring down at me, her eyes narrowed.

  “Pulverized him. He was in the hospital forever.”

  “Did you get in trouble with the police?”

  “Of course. Spent the next three years in juvie.”

  “But… you were defending your mother.”

  “She testified against me at the trial. Said I was the threat in the house, not her dickhead husband, and that I’d done it before. When I got out, I lived with the foster family because she was still married to him,” Anger seethes in my voice at the memory.

  “Were you the threat in the house? Did you do it before?”

  “What? No, I never did it before. I wasn’t the fucking threat in the house. She was. She’d rather marry a guy who beat her up in exchange for a fix. To be honest, I don’t even think they noticed me.”

  “You’re sure?”

  “They might’ve, I don’t know. It sure didn’t seem like it at the time.”

  “No. I mean, you’re sure you weren’t the threat in the house? You’re sure you’ve never done it before then.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about?”

  I kind of thought she’d be all sad at my past. That she’d feel all sappy and sorry for me because my mother was the way she was. Not that she’d fucking believe my mother’s horseshit that winded me up in juvie.

  “What am I talking about? All the violence, is what. I’ve seen you fly off the handle with my own eyes. And Razor loves telling Steel fighting stories.” Emily’s yelling, and her fists are clenched. “I’m talking about raising a baby with a man who’s hospitalized someone and he never thought that was important to mention before!”

  “You know all that shit is ancient history,” I say, trying to keep my voice down.

  “You’re sure there’s nothing else you aren’t telling me? For all I know, you’ve got a dozen more secrets!”

  “There ain’t nothing else, I swear it.”

  “How do I know if I can believe that? You’ve always said stuff like that.”

  “For fuck’s sake, Goldie, I said there’s nothing else,” I say, matching her volume.

  “Unbelievable,” she yells.

  “What’s unbelievable is that you’re treating me this way now!”

  I get up off the couch and stand beside her, looking down on her. My heart hammers against my ribcage, and I don’t know what to do to make her believe me.

  Reason to Live

  (Emily)

  “Holy fuck, are you kidding me?” I say, looking up at him.

  Is he threatening me now? The way he’s standing there like that, his eyes cold staring down into me. I need out of here, away from him.

  I turn, grab my coat and flee out the door. Marching straight to the elevator, I don’t even turn around to see if he’s following me. I don’t want him to.

  Alone in the elevator, tears trickle down my cheeks. What do I do?

  I keep on walking, out of the hotel to the Falls. We’re up a cliff from them, and I have to take an incline railway car down the cliff to get to the top of the Falls.

  Crossing a road, I beeline straight to the thing I’ve been staring at out the window. I walk until I can’t go any further, and I lean on the railing that separates me from the water. I’m standing in a cloud of mist, and the noise of the river hurdling over the edge is deafening.

  Through my tears, I don’t feel anywhere near the awe I felt when I was looking out the window. Instead, my eyes fix on the edge of the Falls, seemingly only inches from me, and I watch the water plunge into the gorge below.

  Is the same thing happening with my relationship? We were sailing all smooth down the calm river, and then bam! we go flying over a two-hundred-foot cliff. One I didn’t know was there, but Steel did.

  I should’ve been more demanding in getting him to tell me about his past before I ever joined the carnival. Or at very latest, after he attacked Razor. God, I feel so stupid. How was I so stupid?

  The November wind is biting cold, and blowing straight down the wide river and into my face. If I wasn’t crying to begin with, the wind would put the tears in my eyes for me. I pull my coat tighter around me, and try to close any gap around the neck.

  Craning my head, I look at our hotel behind me. As if looking up at the towering building could give me any answers. Just because Steel’s in it right now doesn’t mean anything. Or it shouldn’t, anyway.

  I look back to the river. I’m standing right at the lip and the main waterfall, the one that divides Canada from America. It’s a lot of foaming, unbroken water all the way over to an island. Down from the island is another waterfall, the American Falls. Enormous, jagged rocks litter the bottom of it.

  It’s kind of the way I feel. Like I was just sailing along in smooth American waters, when this Canadian came along and plunged me into some boulders. I sigh.

  Beyond that waterfall, a bridge spans high across the gorge, connecting the two countries.

  The longer I stand here, the more my gaze focuses away from the waterfalls, and onto the bridge. I wonder if it’s possible for me and Steel to be connected like that again.

  My mind races, thinking back over all the things that Steel ever did around me, all the fun we had and talks that went long into the night in our trailer. Aside from Razor, nothing he ever did made me think he was anything other than amazing.

  My hands are ice, and I cram them in my pockets. I lost the feeling in my toes ages ago, but I don’t leave my spot at the railing. I can’t. I’m too busy replaying the past year in my head, in reverse.

  When I get to that night in the Motel 6, when I was begging Steel to take me away to join the carnival, I remember what he said. Something I’d forgotten before, and my heart shatters as if it just hit one of those jagged boulders.

  ‘You’ll be a carny, and they think that means they can treat you any way they feel, because you’re scum and don’t deserve any respect. In their minds, you’ve had your trial, and you’re guilty.’

  Is that the way I treated Steel? The father of my baby?

  I think back over his story in the hotel room. At the time, the only thing I heard was violence, hospital, police. Somehow, the other parts didn’t sink in at all.

  “I thought I’d find you here,” Steel says.

  He leans on the railing, a few inches away from me, staring at the water. My throat is too tight to speak, and I nod in acknowledgement.

  “In my defense, I never would’ve hit him if he hadn’t been hurting my mother.”

  “I know,” I say, and bite my lip. My God, I feel like such a bitch. I didn’t even care about how hard his life must have been, I couldn’t get past the violence. I should’ve been hugging him, when instead I was screaming at him.

  “That’s the bridge my buddies and I walked across,” he says, pointing to the bridge. “The law finally declared me resettled in the community, and it was my first day of true freedom. We knew a carnival was passing through on the American side. We went looking for trouble, but I found my home. My friends all came back across the bridge that night, but I convinced Papa Smurf to give me a job. I stayed at the carnival, with only the clothes on my back. And I never looked back.”

  Tears are rolling down my cheeks as fast as the water in the river. Their warmth thaws my frozen face.

  “Ten years ago, I walked across that bridge in search of something. Something better. A dream. Anything. And I finally found what it is I’ve been looking for all this time. All those fucking shitty little towns. Everything. All I’ve wanted my whole life is you.” Every tendon in Steel’s neck is on display. While he’s speaking, he shifts his body and leans his side on the railing, and looks at me.

  His blue eyes are shining brighter than
I’ve ever seen them shine before. Even through my blurred tears, I can tell his whole soul is visible. His beautiful, good soul. The soul of a good man.

  “Steel,” I say, reaching out my hand.

  He shakes his head.

  “I never believed people as amazing as you even existed. And I definitely never believed anyone like you would be interested in someone like me. I ain’t letting you walk away from me now.”

  All I want to do is melt into his warmth. To dive right into the blue of his eyes and plunge straight into the center of his heart, where I belong.

  I turn my body to face his, hoping he will pull me into him and never let me go. I sniffle, and lift my hand in front of me, wanting to say so much but unable to find the words.

  He clasps my hand in both of his, and kneels, his leg on the freezing, wet ground.

  “I know I didn’t do this right the first time. Or the second. But Goldie, Emily, marry me. Spend the rest of your life with me, and I promise every day will be filled with nothing but happiness. I love you.”

  I open my mouth and force myself to finally speak. “I can’t imagine a better man than you, Steel, Kayden. I’m yours, forever. Have been ever since that first night in your bunk house.”

  “I wish I brought a ring to give you,” he says, looking up at me.

  “I don’t give a fuck about a ring. I love you, Steel.”

  “Maybe on the fourth proposal I’ll get everything right.”

  A laugh pushes past my tears, and I can’t remember the last time I smiled this hard. No, I can. It was during those three times round on the Ferris wheel.

  “Get up out of the freezing puddle,” I say, tugging on his hand.

  Steel stands and pulls me into his arms. His warmth floods through me, and my heart feels whole again.

  “You’re shivering,” he says, his voice low.

  “I’ve been standing out in the freezing mist too long.” I turn my head as I speak, and our noses brush together.

  “We need to get you inside.”

  Glory of Love

  (Steel)

  I rub Emily’s arms as we walk from the elevator to our hotel door. Even with her in my arms the whole walk back to the hotel, her skin is still icy. It’s probably forty-five out, but she was standing in that icy mist for I don’t know how long.

  We’ll need to get her a better coat tomorrow, so this doesn’t happen again.

  “I can’t feel my toes,” Emily says.

  And boots, we need to get her a good pair of boots. Not those flimsy shoes she’s wearing.

  In the meantime, my mind is racing with the best way to warm her up. In front of the fireplace? In the whirlpool?

  I swipe the keycard, and Emily moans in disappointment when the light turns red. The sound lands straight on my cock, and I swipe the fucking keycard gain.

  The green light shows, I open the door and I half hurl her through it. Letting the door close on its own, I hurry her into the bedroom. I unzip her coat, and start to pull it off her.

  “I’m cold,” she says, tugging on the coat.

  “That’s why I’m taking your cold clothes off, how are you going to warm up with cold, damp clothes on?”

  Emily drops her arms and lets me undress her, her teeth chattering the whole time. My jeans are sopping wet from when I kneeled in the puddle, but I don’t give a shit.

  I slide down her pregnancy jeans, and pull off her shirt and bra. Fuck, her tits are bigger every time I see them. The sight of them there, all heavy on her chest stiffens my cock.

  “Get in bed,” I say, ripping back the comforter.

  Naked and shivering, she climbs into the bed and I tuck the comforter tight around her neck.

  “I thought you were coming in with me,” she says.

  “I am, once I get my cold, wet clothes off,” I say as I kick my shoes off.

  “I still can’t feel my toes.”

  Naked, I climb under the covers with her and say, “Don’t worry, no better way to warm you up than with a little body heat.”

  I wrap myself around her icy skin, and hold her tight, trying to give her my warmth. It’s still difficult to understand what happened this afternoon, but she’s here now, even though she now knows everything. My Emily.

  My lips move across the cold skin of her cheeks, her chin still shivering. Our mouths press together, and I cup her cheeks to warm them. At first her lips are cold, but I kiss and suck them, and they thaw.

  When the skin of her cheeks is warm, I move my hands lower. Caressing the tops of her shoulders and arms, making sure to keep the duvet tight over us.

  I slide my body down, nipping and sucking to warm her skin as I move. As soon as my head is below her shoulders, I pull the duvet over it and tight around Emily’s neck again. It’s like I’m in a cave.

  Her skin is already warmer from me pressing my body against it, though her nipples are already hard from the cold.

  Taking one of the hard nubs in my mouth, I roll it around with my tongue. I cup her other tit in my hand, at least as much as now fits in my hand. How the fuck much bigger are they going to get?

  Emily moans, and arches her back to push her tits closer to me. I suck her nipple as hard as I can and she gasps. The corners of my mouth turn up in a smile. I know her nipples have a direct line to her pussy, and it seems more intense now she’s pregnant.

  I take her other nipple in my mouth, and suck harder and longer. Her knees shoot up, and she grinds her hips against me, but I keep on sucking, loving how crazy it’s making her. That should warm up her insides.

  Emily lets out a high-pitched groan, and I let go of her nipple. I kiss and nip over her tits and down the soft skin of her front. It’s much warmer now, and feels hot against my lips.

  As I kiss down over her belly, and notice for the first time that it’s growing. I brush my fingers over it, thinking of the future, our future, and how amazing it’s going to be.

  She rocks her hips, and I carry on sucking and nipping at her skin, until I reach her mound.

  Normally I’d kiss all around it, but the air under the blanket is heavy with lust. I crush my lips against hers, probing with my tongue to find her clit and suck it hard into my mouth. Emily gasps and starts moaning.

  I suck her clit harder than I sucked her nipples, grinding my hard cock against the mattress at the same time. I keep on sucking her clit until she’s breathless from moaning so much.

  Her hands grab my hair, and her body twists and turns as she comes. Fucking hell, I need to stop before I blow my load the way I did that very first night with her.

  I fly back up her body, my head emerges from under the covers and I plant my lips on hers for a quick, deep kiss. With my knee, I kick open her legs and without pausing, I push my cock straight into her slick pussy.

  Still spasming from her climax, her walls grip my cock as I thrust into her. My balls tingle more every time my dragon cock is fully buried in her.

  “Are you warm now?” I ask into her ear, my voice low.

  “Very,” she says, her voice breathy.

  “Good.”

  I pull out of her, throwing the covers back with my body. I pause a moment to look down over my beautiful woman before gripping her arm, pulling her off the bed and planting her against the floor-to-ceiling window.

  Her tits flatten against the glass, her hard nipples pearling in the center. I spread her legs and line my hips up behind her, pressing my tip against her entrance.

  She lets out a light moan, and I push deep into her. I start to move, slowly at first, I want to make this last. My cock starts throbbing, and I stop moving.

  “Enjoy this view, Goldie. This is me. This is who I am,” I say, my voice a growl.

  Emily’s eyes widen as she looks out at the view below and moans.

  Reaching around, I find her clit with my fingertips. One touch, her head turns to me, and her eyes roll back in her head. Her legs turn to jelly, and I hold her up by pounding my cock into her.

  Her walls are
spasming like crazy around me, making my dick tingle and throb like never before.

  “Fuck,” I grunt as an intense orgasm smacks through me, and I fill her with my come.

  We lean against the window while we catch our breaths, silently watching the view below.

  I grab the two fluffy, white bathrobes and drape one over her shoulders. After putting the other on, I take her hand and lead her to our living room. Emily sits on the sofa, and I flick the switch to turn on our gas fireplace.

  Flopping down on the sofa beside her, I put my arm around her and pull her into me. She rests her head on my shoulder. We sit like that for ages.

  “What’re you thinking?” I ask.

  “No regrets,” she says, “not a single fucking one.”

  I kiss the top of her head, and wonder how the fuck I got here. Back in my home town, my home country, sitting in a swanky hotel suite, and most of all, with Emily in my arms and my baby in her belly.

  Epilogue

  (Emily)

  Two years later…

  We’re on our way to Colmar. The only time we make the hour’s drive is either to visit my parents or visit Courtney and Maddie. Otherwise the town is my past.

  My parents chose to stay in Colmar, even though their daughter was and is the biggest scandal that ever happened in the town. I’m a local celebrity.

  It always feels good to drive through town in our shiny Cadillac Escalade. When we go down the main drag, I always open the windows so everyone can see me with my carny.

  After we got back from Niagara Falls, my dad’s friend immediately started working on whatever visas Steel needed to stay. It was so complicated, I couldn’t even keep track.

  Steel opened a GM dealership in Effingham, which is the next big place past Woburn. He chose it because of the name, said it was clearly the place for him. Whatever. It’s a nice, green place for a small city and a good place to raise a family.

  The baby was born before we could legally marry. Not that it matters. Though I heard from Courtney that I was the talk of the town again. Honestly, I wish these people would wake up and realize what century they live in.