by P. J. Rhea
“Mama has a boyfriend, and I wish he would go away.”
“Why, dear? Why do you want him to go away?”
“He scares me and he talks loud at me. He smells like the drink Mama said was only for grownups. He drinks it a lot, and the more he drinks it, the louder he talks. He seems mad at me all the time.”
“How does he treat you, Evie? Is he nice to you?”
“He pretends to be nice when Mama is in the room, but he says scary things to me about spanking me if I give him any lip. He uses bad words too. And… he… he.”
“What is it, Evie? What else does he do?”
“I’m not supposed to tell. He said it was our special time and a secret.”
“Remember, Evie, you are safe here. It’s okay to tell now. He won’t find out if you tell me.”
“He always wants to watch me take my bath and I don’t like it. It makes me feel sick in my tummy. When I tried to call Mama from the bathtub, he held me under the water and I couldn’t breathe, so I don’t call for her anymore.”
I heard Evie as she told Dr. Anna all the things I had dreamed about. It was as if I were sitting in a corner just listening to a conversation between Evie and Dr. Anna. Evie continued to tell her how Ralph Dark had watched her take her bath and made the funny faces and noises while his hand was in his pants. I felt sick and Evie became upset, so Dr. Anna decided it was time to move forward again.
“Okay, Evie, let’s move forward a little more to when you were nine years old. Can you see it?”
“Mama is giving me a party. I got to invite Rachel and Emily from my class at school. They are my best friends, and this is the first time I have had friends over. Mama made a cake and bought ice cream. There is a present in a brown paper bag that Mama colored with lots of pictures of brightly colored flowers. She has been working on it in secret, and I can’t wait to see what it is. I also have a gift from my friends. Three presents is a lot, and I can’t wait till it’s time to open them.”
“What’s wrong, dear? You seem upset now. Did something happen? Is someone else at your party?”
“It’s Ralph and he is drunk and cursing in front of my friends. I am so embarrassed and angry. I yelled at him and now I know I am in trouble. He looked at me like he wanted to hurt me but he didn’t. I think it is because of my friends. He wasn’t going to spank me in front of them. He tells me all the time that I better not tell people that he spanks me or about him helping me with my bath. He said the police will take me away from Mama if I tell. Ralph left the room, but he won’t forget. I know he won’t, and he will punish me for talking back. I’ve never seen him so mad before.
“Does he hit you, Evie?”
“Yes, all the time, with a belt. Sometimes when Mama isn’t home he pulls my pants down and spanks me with his hand… I hate him. He wants me to call him Daddy Ralph, but I won’t do it. He isn’t my daddy and I want him to go away.”
“Okay, Evie, let’s move forward just a little. Move forward to after your guest leave the party. What happened after the party?”
“I can’t stop crying. I am so scared because he is in my room and wants to spank me with the belt. Mama won’t let him because he is so mad and so drunk. Someone please help me. He’s beating Mama; oh, he is killing her, my poor mama. I am so sorry, Mama. I have to save my mama!”
I could feel the fear in my body, my heart pounding, the tears burning my eyes and that awful knot in my stomach that came when he was around. I was helpless. I was helpless to save my mama and helpless to change the memory. I wanted out of the nightmare and started to squirm and fight to make my body leave that place.
“Evie, you are safe now. This is only a memory, and he can’t hurt you anymore. When I count to three, you will awaken and feel completely rested. You will remember everything we talked about, but you will be able to handle it.
One… two… three…”
I opened my eyes and felt almost as if I had awakened from a long peaceful sleep.
“I remember, Dr. Anna. I remember Evie. I remember what happened to her and Grace. I watched the whole thing as it happened to them. I could feel all the emotions. I could smell the liquor and the cake. All of it was as if I were there living it for the first time.”
I had the strangest sensation as I told of my new consciousness. I was crying but also excited. I felt sad and sickened, but also proud and relieved by my revelation. I almost felt as if I had no control over my mind or my body and that they were two separate issues altogether. I suddenly realized that Dr. Anna looked a little disappointed.
“That’s good, Katherine, but I had hoped you would remember them as Evie. That your mind would come to accept that Evie is Katherine and you are not two separate people. You seem to understand that, but it is as if you’re protecting yourself by separating from Evie and only watching what happens to her, not remembering them as your own personnel memories.”
“Why did you stop me there, Dr. Anna? Why not let me continue to remember? Maybe I would have taken on the memories as my own if you had given me more time.”
She sat with her pointer finger from each hand touching her lips, as if contemplating how to answer the question.
“I want you to listen to this, Katherine.”
She played back part of the recorded session. I remembered the events but had not realized how emotional I had become while reliving them. The voice on the recording was childlike. It was Evie, and she was going through all those horrific events again and feeling all the fear and pain experienced at the hands of that monster. I was shocked to hear her trembling voice screaming, crying, and begging for mercy for her mama. There were times when it seemed my voice would join in as if I were talking to Evie, trying to comfort and encourage her. I’ve heard jokes about people talking to themselves, but this took on a twist I’d never expected. To listen to this child as she whispered her fears and cried for the mother who had taken the punishment for her, and then to hear my own trembling voice telling Evie to not be afraid. There were even times when we both cried in our different ways. I told Dr. Anna that it was mind blowing to me that both of the voices were actually mine. I still could not accept that I was Evie and that those horrible things were not someone else’s memories but my reality. Dr. Anna realized that I had remembered all that was safe at that point. The rest would have to wait.
“All in good time, Katherine. You are getting stronger, and the memories are allowing you to feel the emotions you have held in for so long. Give yourself a few days to absorb all your new information. Evie wanted to be heard, and she is speaking loud and clear now. The truth will come out, and my hope is that once it does, the two of you can heal.”
She patted my hand and helped me up from my reclined position then walked me out. I was glad I had agreed to the hypnosis. Despite the emotional roller coaster I had ridden, I still felt calm and somewhat rested. I was ready to work hard on bringing up memories and making them my own.
For the next few weeks I felt as if I was getting closer to having true memories of my childhood. Each day something would happen that caused me to recall an event and things continued to flood back. I was remembering new things all the time. Not all were sad or horrible. Some were actually happy times. When Ralph Dark would be away working or drinking and Mama and Evie were alone, they would have a grand time. The wonderful closeness that Evie… that I had with my mother became my favorite memory, and I couldn’t help but cry one day when I realized I was missing my mama.
I remembered her and I missed her. I hoped that soon I would know what happened to my mama. I knew she and Ralph Dark burned up in the house, but why? What happened in that house all those years that Evie has refused to remember and that I was still too traumatized to accept as my own memory?
Dear Evie:
I remember you. I know that you loved to color, and one of your favorite snacks was applesauce and carrot sticks together. That is kind of gross if you ask me. I remember how much you loved that doll Mama fixed up for your birthd
ay and that you slept with it every night. I remember you were given a pair of pink cow girl boots when you were six, and you wore them all the time until they were just too small and you couldn’t stand how they hurt your toes another minute. I know you liked to visit Carla next door because she always offered you cookies and milk in a real teacup and saucer. I also remember how afraid you were of Ralph.
I can tell there are some memories still hidden. Let me hear you, Evie, so we can be okay. Please let me remember what happened when Mama died. Why didn’t she come out of the house with you and the baby that night? I have to know, Evie. Help me remember.
Katherine
Chapter Eight
I knew my parents, the ones who had adopted and raised me, would be wondering what was happening, so I paid them a visit to just connect and feel more grounded. Bill and Vanessa Tipton had been so good to me. I always knew I had a wonderful childhood once I came to stay with them, but until the memories of earlier years started flooding back, I had not truly appreciated the love they had given me and the sacrifices they’d made. Now that I could remember Grace, I realized she and Vanessa were a lot alike, at least, before Ralph Dark came into the picture. Vanessa wasn’t sure why, but I hugged her several times and told her how much I loved and appreciated her, and how much I appreciated both of them.
“We love you too, sweetie, you know you’re our sunshine,” she chirped.
I think if I could remember Frank Moon he would have been like Bill Tipton. No one could have asked for a more loving father, and I knew I would always love him, but now more than ever he was also my hero.
While waiting the few weeks for my next appointment with Dr. Anna, I decided to work on another part of my recovery: finding the brother I had not known existed until a few weeks ago. I knew his name was Stephen and since he was Ralph’s son, I assumed his last name was Dark, unless like me he had been adopted and his name had changed. Carla had heard he was taken in by a family, but for now I would go on the assumption that it was still his name. I spent hours searching the Internet for people with that name. Who could have guessed there were so many people with the same name? I was going to have to go on another visit to Harmony, which I knew Jason would not like.
“It’s a nice little town. Why don’t you and Gracie come along with me? We can have a picnic, and I can show you around.”
He was too busy, but the fact that I was taking Gracie with me seemed to make him less anxious. It would be an adventure. I could introduce her to Carla and show her the pictures of me as a little girl. Maybe the fact that I was in the company of such a cute little helper would make people more willing to open up to me with information. Gracie was so excited about going on an adventure with Mommy. I had worked hard to keep the scary parts of my quest hidden from her. She only knew that I was looking for a friend, and I hoped someone in the town could help me find him. I told her I wanted to introduce her to a really nice lady who knew me when I was her age. Until I knew more about Stephen, I felt like that was enough information for Gracie. Plus, if I couldn’t find him, why tell her about an uncle she could never meet?
I tried the local hospital first, but privacy laws would not allow them to give me information. No one would so much as confirm a baby by that name had been born in that time frame. I also tried the elementary school but all they really could give me was confirmation of what I already knew: my name and age when I was a student there and my mother’s name. I had taken a copy of my adoption record, which contained the information already. I doubt they would have told me anything without that. I went to see Carla Wilson next. Before walking up to her door, I stood and looked again at the lot where my early childhood home had stood. One of the pictures Carla had shared on my earlier visit was of us in front of our house. The house was almost as big as Carla’s house. Had it not been for Carla Wilson and her generous heart, we could have never afforded such a house. It had a large porch with a swing on it and it was pale yellow with green shutters. The picture had shown beautiful flowers on either side of the steps leading up to the porch, and I imagined that as a child I had helped Grace plant and tend them. I could see it in great detail in my mind now. I was starting to remember furniture and curtains that my mother had purchased at the thrift store. Even with our limited funds, she’d managed to make it an attractive and comfortable home.
Gracie pulled on my pant leg to bring me out of my memory and back to my mission. When I rang the bell, Gracie was hiding behind my legs. She was a little shy when meeting new people.
“Katherine, how good to see you again. I was a little surprised when you called.”
Before I had time to say anything, Gracie popped out from behind me and walked in as if she owned the place. Carla took in a deep breath and her eyes were as round as saucers. She looked as if she had seen a ghost. She looked at me, then back to Gracie. When she looked at me again there was no doubt at all that she knew who I was.
“Evie, is that you?”
Carla just stared at me for several minutes and as tears welled up in her eyes, she embraced me. I could physically feel the love she must have had for Evie. It was an overwhelming sense of relief to her. That little girl she had loved like a granddaughter and had worried and prayed for those many years since the fire was standing in her house once more. It made sense now that when my dreams first started I assumed they were about my daughter Gracie. Apparently she looks just like I did as a little girl.
“This is Gracie, my daughter,” I said in a voice that sounded almost like an apology. I felt guilty for having kept my true identity from Carla, but I think she had suspected it all along. Her expression told me I was right.
“Your Evie all grown up, aren’t you, Katherine?
A smile crept across her face, and she held my chin in her hand and looked at me with questioning eyes, as if confirming what she knew. She took a handkerchief from her pants pocket and wiped her wet cheeks.
“I guess I am, or that’s what they tell me. I don’t remember much of it yet.”
I proceeded to tell her what had brought me there. I was very cautious and even tried to spell things that might give too much information to my young daughter who was like a sponge trying to soak up every word of our conversation. Carla held my hand and seemed so sad at the confirmation of her worst fears. Her eyes would blink back the tears often, and she would pat my hand in sympathy and understanding but said nothing.
“Some of the memories are coming back, but it feels like it happened to someone else, not to me. I apologize for not telling you that in the beginning, Carla. It has been a long road for me trying to accept that the dreams I have been having are actually memories of my childhood. I know now that I am Evie, but I don’t remember being Evie. I still feel like Katherine. Evie is the child in my dreams”
“When that child walked in I almost fell over from the shock,” she admitted. “Except for the hair color, she is the spitting image of little Evie. It took a minute or two for the reality to sink in that Evie would not still be that young. The only logical conclusion was that you were my little Evie all grown up. When you told me her name, I knew for sure. Your mother would have been thrilled.”
Carla placed her hand on my cheek, and I could see the love in her eyes for the little girl she had been a grandmother to so long ago. We sat and talked for a while. She served us cookies and tea. Well, Gracie had milk with her cookies, but in a real teacup and saucer. I felt as if I were looking at a reflection of a time past when I was just a little girl having a tea party with my dear friend from next door.
I remembered being happy when I was with Ms. Carla. I told her about some of the things I remembered. I told her of the fond memories I had of her and how special she made me feel with her tea parties, and I told her about my quest to find my brother. She brought me the pictures and told me I could keep them this time.
“See, Gracie, that’s me when I was around your age.”
Carla was just mesmerized by Gracie and how much it felt like times past
.
“Oh, wait. I have something that might help,” Carla said.
She came back with an old postcard my mother had sent her when she went with Ralph to visit his parents. They lived in Florida, and Evie had stayed with Carla for the few days they were away.
“I don’t want the brat whining and messing up the trip,” was what Ralph had told Grace when they dropped me off. She repeated his words with a look that made me think something sour had come into her mouth.
She also told me how Ralph had pointed out that Evie wasn’t their grandchild, so his parents wouldn’t want to meet her anyway. Carla told me it had really hurt Grace that he felt that way. She had cried when she came to ask Carla to watch Evie.
“I truly think she felt trapped in a situation she didn’t know how to get out of by that time. After all, she had a child with him then and there was no guessing that he would leave him behind or allow Grace to take him if they parted ways.”