by P. J. Rhea
Evie had not bothered to change for bed but had climbed under the sheet still wearing her little green dress from the party. She lay in her bed listening for any sound that might imply he was coming for her. Evie was about to drift off to sleep when Ralph came to life. He was stumbling around and bumping into things. He would curse and mumble but then he got loud. She could hear him screaming at the top of his lungs about how that snot-nosed brat was going to learn a lesson. Evie knew he had his belt because he would always fold it in half and make snapping noises with it before spanking her. She heard Mama rush up the stairs in front of him, trying to calm him and telling him to just let it be and come to bed. Ralph ignored Grace. It was apparent that he could not be distracted. The closer he got, the louder he became. Evie’s bedroom door flung open, and he came in with the belt held high ready to strike. Grace was holding his arm and pleading with him not to hit Evie.
“Ralph, please, you’re too angry, and I’m afraid you will go too far. Calm down, please, and then we will think of a punishment,” she reasoned. Ralph was so angry his entire head was blood red from it. He had a wild look in his eyes, and Evie cowered under the blanket afraid she would be beaten worse than she had ever been. Ralph had spanked her with a belt almost once or twice a week for any little thing, but he had done it before almost like a game to remind her who was boss. He didn’t even have to be angry to whip her. He enjoyed doing it. But this time was different. He was furious and Grace knew once he started he might not be able to stop before doing serious damage.
“Please Ralph; please don’t spank her while you are so angry.” He stopped for a second and with an eerie calmness looked at Grace and said,
“Well, someone is going to pay for the brat’s smart mouth, so if not her then who?”
Grace put her hand on the belt and with the sacrifice of a mother’s love for her child, she nodded in agreement. Evie had her head buried under her pillow and tried to block out the terrible sounds from the next room. Grace tried not to scream but at times it was just too much and she would have to. It seemed to go on for a long time. Evie was so afraid he would kill her mother, but what could she do? Why had she said it? Why hadn’t she kept her mouth closed? Then her sweet mama wouldn’t be going through this now. As she lay in her bed watching the shadows made from the moon passing over her walls, Evie focused on a picture that hung on her wall near the door. It was a picture of Grace and Evie before Ralph came to live there. Mama is so beautiful, she thought. They were both smiling in the picture and somehow looking at the picture calmed Evie.
The room grew darker and the sounds from the room next to hers had stopped. She could feel her eyes begin to droop, but Evie didn’t remember falling asleep. Suddenly she woke up to a silent house. For what seemed like an hour she just laid there listening to the sounds of the house. Was Ralph still home, still in the room with her mother? Had he killed her? I could hear every worried thought that passed through Evie’s mind. I could hear her heart beating loudly and the exaggerated breathing as she tried to work up her courage to go see her mama.
Evie looked at the dark room, watching for shadows of the things she feared. All children seem to fear the monsters in the dark. Those evil things that hide under the bed or in the closet; but in Evie’s world, the monster was real and it had a name. Her monster was Ralph, and the fear of him was the only thing keeping her from going to her mother’s room. Then a small moan from the room next door to hers left Evie no choice. She eased out of her bed, almost afraid to move across the floor to the light switch next to her door. The moon that had seemed so bright earlier must have hidden behind clouds while she slept because no light came in to help her as she walked toward the door. She walked slowly across the cool wood floor with her arms stretched out, feeling her way. Was he in her room watching her, waiting to hit her with the belt as she crossed his path? The fear almost lifted her off the floor, it was so powerful.
Finally Evie felt the wall in front of her, and she moved her hand across it until she felt the door then the doorknob. She opened the door and looked first toward the bathroom where Mama washed the clothes. She was so glad the light was on, because so many times the clothes hanging all around the room would make scary shadows if the light was off. Next she looked toward Mama’s room. It looked like such a long way away and with each step she feared he would jump out and grab her. She tried to tiptoe to her mom’s room hoping that Ralph would be gone. When she finally reached the door and opened it, she saw that her mother was alone in the room, crumpled up in the corner with her head hung down and her hair hiding her face. Evie ran to her to be sure she was alive. Her eyes were black and swollen to tiny slits. She had cuts everywhere, and Evie could see the imprint of the belt buckle in her skin. There was dried blood in her hair and on her hands. Her lips were cut and swollen too. Evie gasp at the sight of her mom and started to cry.
“Don’t cry, baby, I’m going to be okay”
Evie caught her breath and just stared at Grace for a few minutes, unsure what to do. Then she ran to the bathroom and wet a washcloth with cold water. It was too late to stop swelling, but she had to do something. She cleaned her mother for an hour with no other words between them. Evie had tears streaming down her face as she ran back and forth to the sink. Finally she helped her mother up and into the bed.
“Mama I am so sorry. I should have kept my mouth shut. Can you forgive me, Mama?”
“Shh,” her mother said. “I love you, Evelyn Belle Moon. Promise you believe me.”
With almost uncontrolled weeping Evie managed to say, “I promise Mama.”
When I woke up, Jason was shaking me lightly.
“What do you promise? Kat, are you okay? Why are you crying? Is something wrong?”
I woke up beside the bed just as Evie had been in the dream as she tried to comfort Grace. Jason was beside me trying to calm me down, not knowing what to make of my heartbreaking tears.
“I’m fine. I just had a bad dream I guess.”
Bad dream didn’t even begin to describe the nightmare, but for the moment that was all I knew to say. Jason held me for several minutes, asking me if I wanted to tell him about it. Jason told me that it might make me feel better to talk about the nightmare. I wasn’t sure how I felt about what I had experienced. It wasn’t really like a dream. Not even like a memory. It was more like I was allowed to watch someone else as they experienced the horrific event. I was exhausted and almost sore from the emotions that had pulled at me. I knew Jason wanted to help, and he was right—it probably would make me feel somewhat better if I talked about it. But it wasn’t my husband I wanted to talk to about it. I needed to talk to Evie.
Once Jason had fallen back to sleep, I went downstairs and sat in the dark for a long time just crying. My nerves were raw, and I just needed to weep for the woman who was supposed to be my birth mother and for the little girl I am told was me before the age of ten. One truth was made clear to me from the reliving of that horrible time: I knew now that I had loved my birth mother with all my heart, and she had loved me. I just don’t know what happened to Grace or why Evie left at age ten to be replaced by Katherine who had moved in with the Tipton’s. I made myself a strong cup of coffee and took my seat near the window where my journal was waiting. I knew exactly what I wanted to say to her.
Dear Evie:
Our mother truly did love us. I’m not sure why I forgot all these things or why I am remembering them now. I just want you to know that I am hearing you. Ralph was so evil, and you should never feel bad about what you said to him. You are not to blame for what he did, and I am sure Grace knew that. You were so very brave to speak out to him at your party. I am proud of you. Even though it is upsetting and frightening, I want to know everything that happened. I want you to know that it is safe now for you to speak out. You no longer have to be afraid to say what you feel. No one will ever hurt you or Grace again. Tell me what I need to know and together we can heal.
Katherine
Dr. Anna read
all my notes, including the letters to Evie. She was amazed at all I had managed to uncover on my trip. It seemed some of the puzzle pieces were starting to fit together. She pulled out one of the pictures she’d saved from my childhood sessions.
“This one confused me before. Perhaps now it will make more sense.”
It was a face that took up most of the page. The mouth on the face covered more than half of it. Inside the mouth was a birthday cake, a belt with a large buckle, and a little girl crying. There was a stream of red coming from the cake that I thought might be blood. It was Evie trying to relay the horrible birthday memory.
I sat across from Dr. Anna as she continued to read. Sophie curled up in my lap as she always did in our sessions. I felt connected to the old cat. I was starting to have a few memories outside of the dreams. Not many of them were from when I lived in Harmony. Those memories seemed to come only in the form of nightmares and still felt like they were someone else’s memories and not my own. I was, however, remembering my early years as Katherine, and I even had some memories of my visits with Dr. Anna as a young child. Sophie was a young kitten when my sessions began, and I remembered playing with her in the room upstairs.
“Katherine, I wonder if you might consider trying something different in our next session?”
I must have given her a concerned look because she kind of chuckled.
“It’s nothing scary, dear, just hypnosis. I want to see if you can recall more under hypnosis. The memories are there, and I feel this could help bring them to the surface. What do you think? Would that be all right with you?”
I agreed to it and made an appointment for the end of that same week. I told her I wanted to do it before I had too much time to think about it.
“I tend to build things up if I have to wait too long, to the point that I make myself a nervous wreck.”
I was worried about what I might remember. The dreams had all been horrible to witness, and the things that Carla Wilson had revealed to me were terrible. I wasn’t sure if being hypnotized would cause me to relive things that had been so horrific that my mind had hidden them. Dr. Anna had explained that sometimes an event can be so traumatic that the mind will prevent a person from remembering it in order to save him or her from the pain, but one thing was for sure; I had to find out what happened to Evie. I had promised her she would be heard and it was a promise I intended to keep.
“A child can not heal until she is heard,” I reminded myself in a soft voice no one else could hear. “I hope hypnosis will give you an opportunity to speak, little Evie.”
Chapter Seven
Time was ticking by so slowly. I had not dreamed of Evie in two weeks. Dr. Anna had canceled my last appointment.
“Katherine, I’m afraid I have some sad news. I woke this morning to find that Sophie had passed away in the night. I hope you won’t mind if we reschedule you for the end of next week. Sophie was so important to my patients, and I will have to notify the parents so they have time to break the news to their children. I thought I would even offer a special grief session soon, but for now I need some time to grieve my old friend and since you were so close to her, I want you to have that time as well.”
She was right. I needed time to grieve. For some reason that sweet ball of fur represented something precious to me. We had grown up together in a sense. I had started going to Dr. Anna when Sophie was only three months old. One of the memories I had retrieved was playing in the room upstairs with the kitten chasing after a ball of yarn and climbing up my pant leg to sit in my lap. She would look on as I drew my pictures of horror, and I recalled that the look she would give me made me think she understood somehow. She had brought me comfort that no person had been able to, and she had done the same in the few months since I had been coming to Dr. Anna as an adult. Each time she leaped in my lap and curled up, I felt a calm that I knew I would miss. I worried that I would not be able to open up as much without my furry friend curled up in my lap.
When the day of my appointment finally came, it was painful to walk into the kitchen for my usual cup of coffee and see no bed on the floor for a beloved friend. When Dr. Anna came to greet me, we hugged and shed a few tears, but then she took my shoulders in her hands and smiled.
“Sophia will always be remembered in a positive light. Now let’s get to work on other things that need to be remembered.”
I smiled through my tears and nodded in agreement, but I had a feeling those memories would not be in a positive light at all. I was so afraid of what I might remember, but at the same time I was ready to know the truth. When we went into her office, she asked me to lie down on the divan and make myself comfortable.
“There is an afghan if you feel the need to cover up and feel free to use the pillow from the chair if you need one. It is important that you make yourself comfortable.”
When I lay down, I almost had the urge to giggle. It seemed so cliché; like something from a movie. I didn’t use the pillow because the head rest built into the divan was enough, but I did take advantage of the warm brown and black afghan and spread it across me. I needed to feel that slight pressure and warmth usually provided by Sophie.
“Katherine, I can tell you are reluctant about this, but I am asking you to trust me. Hypnosis can be a powerful tool in seeking the truth and opening your mind to things that have been locked up for years. It is important that you listen to me and do the things I ask you to do in order for this to work.”
“I will, Dr. Anna. I want this to work too. I need to know what happened to Evie.”
She always seemed a little uneasy when I referred to Evie as if she was someone else and not me, but unlike my parents and my husband, Dr. Anna never said anything to me about it.
“I want you to put your arms at your side with your palms side down. Now I am going to ask you to close your eyes and relax your body and mind as much as possible.”
I did as she asked me to and was actually surprised at how quickly I relaxed on the creamy leather. I quickly realized I didn’t need the afghan after all. Her voice was like a soft blanket covering me, almost giving me a sense of heaviness like I couldn’t move. It wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. It was like the feeling you have when you crawl under a comforter on a cold night. Suddenly I was warm and cozy.
“Feel your muscles relax, starting with your feet,” she began.
“Now your legs working up to your arms and shoulders, and then, finally, feel your face relax. You are falling into a restful sleep.”
She would lightly place her hand on me when she mentioned a certain part of my body. I would feel her put just a slight pressure on my leg, then my arm and shoulder, and finally on my forehead. It was odd how the ever so slight weight of her hand caused my body to give in to the feeling. I could actually feel my limbs relax.
“Listen to the sound of my voice and allow your mind to accept what I suggest to you. You will feel yourself giving in to sleep, but you will continue to hear my voice and follow my suggestions. When I count to three, you will be fully asleep. One… Two… Three…”
I was floating on a cloud. It was the most serene feeling I had ever experienced. I could hear Dr. Anna’s calm whispered voice somewhere in the back of my mind giving me my directions.
“I am talking to Evie,” the voice instructed. “Evie, do you remember coming to live in the big house with your mama?”
Suddenly I was walking down a hallway of the house at 104 Maple Avenue. I noticed my reflection in a mirror located on the bathroom wall just above the sick. I could see Evie in the mirror, and she was small and blond with a head full of curls. Her eyes were blue and excited with discovery. Evie was remembering, but I knew somehow that I was there with her. I saw our mom and the woman from next door talking about Mama and Evie living there.
It was a wonderful house, and the lady that Mama called Carla was nice to us. I liked my bedroom because it had pink flowers on the wallpaper and it was close to Mama’s room. Mama had her own bathroom in her room. It was
nicer than any place we had ever lived in. It was so much bigger than the apartment we had before daddy went to heaven. It even had a yard to play in. Evie was wishing her daddy could live there with them too.
“Are you happy in this memory?” I heard a faraway voice ask the question.
“I am happy,” I said. I had been sad because my daddy had been killed and went to heaven. I loved my Daddy, and I cried at night because he didn’t read to me anymore. But Mama said this was a new day, and she picked me up and twirled around the room with me. I loved my Mama.
“How old are you, Evie?”
“I’m almost four.”
“Evie, I want you to move forward now. You are five years old. Mama has a new friend. Can you see him?”
It was as if someone pushed fast forward on a movie. I saw myself grow a little taller, a little older and my face implied I was not as happy. I could see the man moving his things into our house. Mama seemed very happy, but I had a funny feeling about him. He made my stomach feel tight. He was always giving me mean looks when Mama wasn’t looking.