The Other P-Word

by MK Schiller

  “I should clean up.” My voice was thick with satisfaction.

  “Are you still on birth control?”

  I backed away from him. “Yes. Don’t worry. We’re safe.”

  I stood and ran to the bathroom. I had to splash cold water on myself—I was a little surprised by his question. I gripped the edge of the countertop and told myself to be strong. He came up behind me, wrapping his arms around me.

  “None of that, Price. We’re done crying.”

  “Do you think I’d try to trick you into having a kid?”

  He stiffened around me. “You misunderstand, angel. I was hoping you’d say you weren’t on birth control.”

  “You were?”

  “It’s ridiculous, but I want my baby inside you.”

  I choked something back.

  “I want you to have something that’s us. That’s you.”

  “We will one day.” Where had this conversation surfaced from? I should end it. But I suddenly wished I wasn’t on birth control either.

  “Time is an unknown variable, isn’t it?”

  I buried my head in his chest.

  “But you’re right. I’m going to fight like hell to give it to us.”

  “We’ll have children one day.”

  He nodded, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I hope they’re like you inside and out. I want them to have your goodness and grace. I want them to have your optimism and faith.”

  I swallowed the huge lump in my throat.

  Evan was making plans. That was a good sign…I thought.

  “They’ll be like you too—brave and strong and talented.”

  “Maybe a little bit. As long as they make you laugh once in a while, I’ll be happy.” He turned me so I was facing the mirror. He kissed my shoulder before slipping a gold chain around my neck.

  “What’s this?”

  “Merry Christmas.”

  “Christmas isn’t for two weeks yet.” I didn’t want to look at it.

  “Billie, I don’t know what state I’ll be in when it’s over. I just want to see your face when I give you this. I want to see it on you.”

  I opened my eyes, staring down at the intricate gold leaf pendant handing around my neck. “It’s beautiful,” I said, clasping my fingers around it.

  “That leaf won’t ever turn. And I won’t turn away from you ever again.”

  He picked me up and sat me on the countertop and made love to me again. Slower this time, with less urgency and a gentleness. The back of my head leaned against the bathroom mirror. His fingers curled against mine. Even our grunts sounded rhythmic.

  Chapter Forty

  We fell asleep on the bed. Thankfully, we were both clothed. A clearing throat jerked me awake.

  “Morning, Billie,” Derek said.

  Oh God, I unlocked the door last night. Does the room smell like sex? I thought so, but then again, being a participant, I wasn’t sure. I wished the damn windows opened. I scrambled to get up from the bed, but Evan held me against him.

  “I’m sorry. It’s past visiting hours.”

  Derek opened the blinds. “Actually, it’s visiting hours all over again.”

  “Why didn’t they kick me out?”

  “I have a little influence around here. How are you feeling, Evan?”

  “Ready.”

  “We have you scheduled for the surgery tomorrow morning.”

  “Will you be there?” I asked.

  “I’ll be observing only. But there will be two other surgeons and the anesthesiologist. I don’t have the experience to do this kind of surgery yet.” He turned toward Evan. “You’re in good hands.”

  “Thanks, brother. I believe that.”

  “Don’t you think this is too soon?” I asked.

  “In this type of case, the sooner the better.”

  I extricated myself from Evan to use the bathroom. Derek chatted with us a little longer. Evan and he bantered about college football standings. I read over the instructions Derek had provided.

  “I think the doc has a crush on my girl,” Evan said once Derek had left.

  I sat on the edge of the bed, putting my shoes on. “We’re just friends.”

  “Yeah, well, he’s still crushing on you.”

  “I only have eyes for one guy.”

  “Oh yeah? Who’s that?”

  “Charlie Hunnam.”

  It felt good to hear him laugh, even if my joke wasn’t funny. “Seriously, Derek’s a really good guy, Billie. He’s nice, successful and he cares about you. That’s obvious to me. And I’m a little jealous, but I can’t blame him. You’re very easy to fall for.”

  “What are you doing, Evan?”

  “Just talking.”

  “Stop it.”

  “I have some things to say to you, Price.”

  “I don’t want to hear it.” Go back to laughter, Evan. I craved keeping us from all the sad conversations.

  “I need you to hear it. Please listen to me.”

  I held up my hand. “Don’t do this. Don’t say your goodbyes.”

  Evan chuckled and pulled me against his chest. “Just relax, Leonardo DiCaprio. We’re not a sinking door in the middle of the Atlantic. And if we were, I’d think you’d be nice enough to scoot your ass over for me.”

  “I would.”

  “Okay, then let me say this because I only have the strength to say it once. I need you to listen.”

  “I already know what you’re going to say. You’re going to tell me if you don’t make it, I should find someone else and move on with my life. I get it. There’s no reason to have this conversation.”

  He pulled me against his chest. “That’s not what I was gonna say at all, Price.”

  “Then what?”

  “Only love me. I don’t want any other man in your life.”

  I lifted my head. “Seriously?”

  His serious expression broke into a laugh. “No, smart-ass, I was kidding. Mourn me and then move on. I know what it’s like to lose people. Don’t do what I did, Billie Marie. Don’t let me haunt you. But you make sure when you do find a man worthy of you, that you tell him about me.”

  “Like on the first date?”

  “Maybe the third date—you’re already weird. Don’t want to scare him off too fast. Either way, it’s not when that’s important, but what you tell him. Tell him there was a guy once who loved you even though he had a broken heart. Tell him if he doesn’t treat you right, he’ll be hearing from me. Because I may not haunt you, but I will for damn sure haunt him.”

  “You’re not going to haunt anyone because you’ll be just fine. I’m going to go get a coffee.”

  “Get me one too,” Evan said.

  “Nice try.”

  I stood up but he grabbed my arm pulling me back down. He planted a kiss on my cheek. “Your hair is messy.”

  “Are you going to fix it for me?”

  “No, it looks like you just got fucked good. I like it that way.”

  I laughed, combing through the strands. Short hair was at least easier to finger comb.

  * * * *

  My steps became shaky as I walked back with my coffee. First I heard the sounds. Derek’s familiar voice called out commands. Then I saw people rushing in and out of Evan’s room. They wheeled him out so fast, I almost slipped stepping out of the away. The coffee fell from my hand, sloshing in a puddle around me.

  “Derek!” I screamed, tugging his coat. “What’s happening?”

  “His heart stopped. We have to perform the surgery now.”

  “But…”

  Derek took my shoulders and pulled me toward a wall. “Listen, it’s nothing you did. These things happen. Dr. Reddy is on his way. I have to go, but as soon as I know something I’ll tell you.”

  I crumpled to the floor, my hands shaking. The image of Evan unconscious haunted me.

  I don’t know how long I lay there in the hospital corridor. It was Derek that helped me up and led me to the waiting room.

  “They’
ll be here soon,” he said. He added more comforting words before he left. I had no idea what he said though. I only heard my own voice screaming inside my head.

  Don’t die, Evan, it begged. Don’t turn away from me. Don’t leave me.

  Time passed slowly. A familiar scent surrounded me…expensive cologne. “You ever notice how we always end up in hospitals?” Dillon said.

  I wrapped my arms around him. “What are you doing here?”

  “We couldn’t let you go through this alone,” Mom said, taking the other seat.

  “You couldn’t get rid of us if you tried,” Stevie said, taking the seat across from me.

  “That’s good, because I would never try.”

  “Marley and Rick would have been here too, but Isabella’s too young to travel yet. She’s not taking to a bottle well, but Marley wants you to call her and for some reason she wanted me to give you this.” Stevie set a Zesty bar in my lap. It was just a protein bar, but I knew it was more than that for Marley. The bar was symbol of love, like the leaf pendant that hung from my neck. It was the very thing Rick gave her to tell her he was there for her. She was telling me the same thing.

  Evan’s uncle, Grandma Fern, Mike and Tilla each hugged me. We took up the whole waiting room. They boy who thought he had no one actually had a whole waiting room full of people who were praying for him.

  “Billie, thank you for taking care of him,” Grandma Fern said.

  “He takes care of me too,” I replied.

  She nodded. “I don’t know what it means, but when I told my husband about Evan, he said he was lucky to have you. He told me to tell you that you make a good thorn.”

  “I know exactly what it means. I really appreciate that.”

  “Well maybe one day you can explain it to me.”

  “Sure. Tell him thank you. How did you all get here?” I asked, blinking in disbelief.

  “Your stepdad owns a jet. We flew in style,” Mike said.

  Adam stood by the fish tank. “You ever think that these guys think we’re in the fish tank and here for their amusement?”

  “I don’t know.” The sound of laughter felt good.

  “Have you eaten?” Mom asked.

  “No.”

  “I’ll get you something,” Adam offered.

  Mike handed me a package. “Billie, this is from Evan. He wanted me to give it to you.”

  “He gave you an iPod for me?”

  “Listen.”

  I put on the ear buds. I scrolled to the only playlist—Billie’s soundtrack. The Fray’s You Found Me came on. Except it wasn’t The Fray. It was Evan’s voice. The track was followed with a statement.

  “I didn’t know what I could do help you during this time. I figured you might be going a little crazy. Mike suggested this. I picked each of these songs because they are part of me. The part of me that became real with you. Part of who we are. I love you. No matter how this turns out, know that I love you, Billie Marie. You are my best friend. You are my angel. You are my girl.”

  I surrendered to the music, Evan’s words and my mother’s comforting arms. The hours passed. I looked around the room, happy that Evan’s family and my family were all here. As far as I was concerned, Evan was my family.

  “Mom, I love him so much.”

  “I know, baby.”

  We all grew silent when Dr. Reddy made his way down the long corridor. Why the hell was it such a damn long walk? My heartbeat thundered with the thud of each of his steps. I squeezed my eyes shut and said one final prayer.

  Chapter Forty-One

  “Happy anniversary,” I said to Tilla and Mike. This time it was Mike who’d decorated the bar with twinkling lights. They hung from every eave and all the tables were dressed in white linens with candles in the centers.

  “It’s hard to believe it’s been another year,” Mike replied, putting his arm around Tilla.

  And what a year it was.

  “That bar looks beautiful,” I said, embracing Tilla.

  “Yes, we’re trying out a new look. It’s romantic, don’t you think?”

  “Absolutely…stunning.”

  “Speaking of romance, I meant to tell you I read the book, Billie. I loved how you dedicated it to Evan. I think I cried more at the dedication than the story.”

  “Me too,” Mike added.

  “Well, he helped me write a lot of it,” I said, clutching the gold leaf that hung on my neck.

  “We’re going to get going,” Mike said.

  “Don’t worry about a thing. The bar’s in good hands with me.”

  Tilla smiled, taking my hand. “Actually, we’re closed tonight.”

  “Why?” It was Friday night—our busiest night.

  “For a private function,” Evan said, setting down a bottle of wine on the polished counter.

  I sighed with gratitude, as I did every time I saw him. The recovery hadn’t been easy, but he’d fought like hell, as he’d promised. He worked hard. Now, he looked healthier than I’d ever seen him. The flex of his muscular arms was visible through his shirt. His sandy hair was shorter, but still long enough for me to tug. His eyes had a new vibrancy. The piercing in his eyebrow that he’d removed for the tests was back. It turned me on so much, but it looked strange tonight with his formal dress.

  “Why are you wearing a suit?”

  He shrugged. “I remember you once telling me you liked a man in a suit.” He turned toward Mike. “Happy anniversary, guys.”

  “That’s our cue,” Tilla said, heading toward the door. Mike followed behind her, humming Closing Time.

  “That was a long time ago and my tastes have changed.”

  “Good, ’cause this isn’t exactly an everyday thing, but tonight’s special.”

  “Why?”

  “This is our anniversary too, Billie Marie.”

  “It is?”

  “It’s not a great one, but I hope to change the meaning of this day for both of us. One year ago tonight I turned away from you. I said things that I can never take back, but I hope I can make enough good memories to replace that day.”

  “You already have.”

  He walked over to the jukebox. He swore as he fumbled with his pockets.

  “Evan, what are you doing?”

  “I’m fixing to dance with you. I remembered the lights and the wine. I forgot the quarter.”

  “You did the lights?”

  “Sure did.”

  I fished a coin from my pocket, handing it to him. His song came on—the one he’d written for us—for me—A Little Romance. The same song that was played by one of the hottest bands in large venues and on the radio, inching its way up the billboard charts.

  “Thank you. You always got my back, Price.”

  “And every other part of you.”

  He took me in his arms. I stood on my tippy-toes, leaning against him as he swayed us. My excitement was boiling over, a simmering pot set on high. I had an inkling what this might be.

  “I was worried about you today,” I whispered, running a finger through his hair.

  “Why?”

  “You said you had errands to run, but you didn’t tell me what they were. You haven’t done that in a long time.”

  “I did run errands. A lot of them.”

  “Like what?”

  “I went to the cemetery to visit my family. I know we usually go together, but I had to go alone this time. I brought flowers with me.”

  “That’s lovely, Evan. I understand.”

  “I put a dozen on Lorraine Malter’s grave too.”

  I took a step back, but he pulled me close again. “Why?”

  “’Cause even from the grave she had one more romance story in her, and I wanted to thank her for that. I think in many ways she brought us together.”

  “She did.”

  “I also had a check-up.”

  My arms went rigid.

  “Calm down, angel. Everything’s good. I swear.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me?” He’d h
ad many follow-up visits. I’d gone with him.

  “I wanted to hear for myself first. There are no signs of tumor. They got all of it, baby.”

  I expelled a long breath. “I want details.”

  “I’ll give them to you later.”

  “Is that all you did?”

  “No. I paid Damien the last check. I don’t owe him anymore. The slate between us is blank once more.” As it turned out, Dr. Reddy had donated his services because Evan had presented such an interesting case study—one that had gotten the good doctor in several notable journals. Surprisingly, insurance had covered part of the hospital stay, so although Damien had paid some, it hadn’t been as astronomical as we’d thought.

  “You know he didn’t expect repayment.”

  “He’s told me himself enough times, but I had to do it. It was important to me. I made good money off selling the songs that we wrote together. As grateful as I am to him, I can’t have that debt clouding my conscience. Besides, now we have to start saving again.”

  “For what?”

  He dipped me dramatically. “Cruises to Antarctica aren’t cheap. I’m trying to figure out how to get you to your favorite place. You know I don’t like cold weather, so you’ll have to keep me warm.”

  “I promise I will. I’ll start knitting afghans.”

  He laughed, lifting me back to my feet.

  “Did you do anything else?”

  “Yeah, I signed the contract with Mike. I’m now part-owner of this fine establishment. And this year, we stand to make a very nice profit.”

  “That’s great, baby. I’m proud of you.” It wasn’t a surprise, since Evan and I had talked about it. In fact, we’d turned the upstairs into one big apartment again. Evan, Mike and Damien had worked on it together. Rick, Adam and Josh had helped. Dillon had assisted me in decorating. I had my own office for the very first time. But my favorite part of our place was that every wall was covered with photos of the memories Evan and I had made with each other, our friends and our family.

  “Maybe not every lost soul comes home, but I’m so grateful that I had this place. That I had Mike, Tilla and most of all, you.”

  “I feel the same way, Evan. You act as if our relationship was one-sided, but you showed me what passion was. What love really was.”