I addressed his chest, unwilling to look into his emerald eyes that were begging me to stay. I looked down at myself, marveling at how different I felt than when I started off in Undra with him as my guide. “I’m all grown up now, thanks to you. First kiss. First relationship. First breakup. First whorehouse. I think this is where I ripcord off the train.” I turned from him to leave, but Jens had other plans.
In no less than two seconds, he cleared the distance between us, spun me around and cupped my face in the hands I used to find comfort in. He kissed me. Over and over, he tried to draw me out and force me to feel how good we had been together. It was passionate and full of all the things I loved about him, laced with a note of begging.
It was cruel.
“Stop!” I cried, finally letting my volume climb to a pathetic bleat of agony. “You made your choice!” I took a deep breath to steady my trembling hands and lowered my volume to a whisper before continuing. “Goodbye, Jens.”
Six.
Horrible as I Was
There was a darkness around me, and not just because we traveled only at night. I could feel it as we walked on the outskirts of Bedra. Foss was too well-known, so Jens kept his hand on his shoulder, vanishing them both. It was just as well. Jens didn’t want to be seen, and I needed a break from seeing him. Most relationships were granted the mercy of distance once ended. Like everything else I needed in life, mercy just wasn’t around for me.
I walked beside my uncle in silence. Everyone respected the mood and kept mostly to themselves. It made for a tense journey, but a quiet one, so it wasn’t too bad.
By the time the sun began to rise, we were all exhausted. We were still a few days away from Elvage, and since Jens had not secured supplies on his trip to singlehood, food was getting scarce.
Foss spoke from behind me. “We need food and a few things from the market. I can’t go, obviously, but Lucy, you’ve got control of my estate. You can buy what we need.”
I nodded, putting the pack I’d just taken off back on. My spine groaned. “Fine. Where is it?”
“I’ll take you,” Jens volunteered.
“No, thanks. What does everyone need?” I took orders like a waitress, noticing Jens asked for nothing. “Come on, Jamie.” I waved my laplanded buddy forward, taking a step in what I hoped was the right direction. I did not look back to confirm he followed, only trusted he would catch up if he didn’t want a headache.
“Wait up, Lucy,” Jamie called, trotting closer. “I’m so tired. I know you are too.”
“Let’s make it quick, then. Do you know where we’re going?” The oversized tropical plants were hard to navigate through, being as short as I was. Walking on the sandy beaches all through the night had been hard, but this was even more challenging. The grass was up to my chest, and in some spots climbed even higher.
“The nearest market isn’t too far. Ten-minute walk north. Five if you hop on my back,” he hinted.
“I’m fine. I can do it.” I knew I was being stubborn, but Jamie was too polite to call me on it. I felt him tap on the wall of my brain, a little passageway that linked me to him. I locked the door to keep him out. He didn’t need a glimpse at the wreckage. “Stop for a second.” I batted away the grass so I could look up at him properly. “Look, what you did by covering for Jens isn’t cool. I get that he’s your bro, but I deserve to know what’s going on in my own relationship. I think I’ve earned the right to a little honesty from you. Don’t make me go poking around in your head to see if you’re constantly lying to me.”
Jamie lowered his head. “I’m sorry. You’re right. Britta wanted to tell you, but I knew you would break up with him. You’re good for him, Lucy. Jens needs someone like you. You speak the same language. Even though he grew up in Tonttu, he’s never found his place with our people.”
“Then when we get over to my side, you can find him a nice prostitute drug dealer to sleep with all the livelong day. I’m a queen here, but I’m a dime a dozen on the Other Side. You’ll see. He’ll find someone else. Point is, don’t lie to me. Foss is a hormonal jerk, I’m still getting used to Mace, and Uncle Rick is always a flight risk. Britt’s great, but I don’t expect her to fink on her brother. You and I are stuck together for the long haul. Don’t make life suck even more for me. Don’t screw me over like that again.”
Jamie nodded, contrite. “Yes, ma’am.”
I tromped forward, exhausted both physically and emotionally. Beneath the scarring, I felt a small glimmer of pride in myself. I really had grown.
Jamie led the way to the market, which was smaller than the one in Fossegrim, but had everything we needed. I flashed my ring to the female-driven commerce, catching both looks of admiration and ones of jealousy that I’d bagged the almighty Foss. Whatever. They could have him and Jens.
I bought Jamie a pack and stuffed it full of food that was not biscuits. My pack was filled with everything else. I eyed a vendor that sold lavender powder products. She had drug-infused body oils, bread baked with the stuff, and various other items that caught my eye. I left Jamie’s side and made a beeline for the booth, fingering a small vial of the vice that had ruined my relationship. It was a glass tube with a blue swirl winding around it like a pretty little serpent.
“How much?” I asked the woman with so much black smudge around her eyes, she looked like a raccoon with boobs.
“Thirty.” She addressed my necklace with wonder. “You’re Foss’s wife?”
“Yup.”
“Take it. And please send my regards. I’m Dagmar.” She lowered her voice. “He bought my sister years ago. I never charge him for anything. I’m indebted to him for taking care of her.” She leaned over the table and grabbed my arm. “Erika. Is she well?”
My heart lurched at mention of the friend I’d left behind. Tonya Part Two, the Amish Edition. “She is. She’s happy there. Laughs a lot and is super cool. She’s been a good friend to me.”
“Send her my love. If Master Foss needs any more slaves, he can have me. I’m not Mare, and neither is she. We just live amongst them. Please mention me to your husband. Please.” She clung to me, her darkened eyes begging me for a way out.
I nodded. “I’ll tell her you miss her, and that you’ve got a great shop here. And really, Foss can pay you for this.” I placed the vial in my pocket. “Take the full price off his account. I insist.”
“No, no. Thank you. Just knowing Erika is alive and well is enough for me.”
I detached myself from Dagmar and turned to find Jamie standing behind me with a dour expression I tried to ignore. “What are you doing?” he demanded.
“Shopping like the ditz I am. That’s everything, right?”
“Put that back.”
I pushed past him, heading back the way we came. Jamie followed after me, and I could feel frustration radiating off him. He banged on the door to our shared brainwaves, but I kept it shut tight, ignoring his impatient calls for me to let him in. Once we reached the ridiculously tall grass that offered us some separation from the commerce, he grabbed my shoulder.
I shook him off. “Get away from me,” I growled, not wishing to have a big discussion with him.
“Stop! You can’t take that, Lucy.”
“Actually, I can. My darling husband paid for it, or I tried to pay for it, anyway. I don’t actually need your permission to buy street legal drugs. You’re not my dad. You’re not my fake husband. You’re not my boyfriend. You’re not my brother. We’re barely friends from the way you covered for your boy and screwed me over like you did. Don’t act all concerned now. I won’t try any while we’re still on the job. I can control myself. I’ll wait till it’s all over to bliss out.” I touched the tiny container in my pocket. “It’ll affect you zero.”
His hands cast out in exasperation. “It’ll get me high, too! Everything you do affects me.”
Crap. “Well, I’ll do it while you’re sleeping, then. You won’t feel a thing.”
“Why? You saw what it’s done to Jen
s. It’s ruined his life!”
“Why?” I echoed in utter flabbergast. “Huh, I wasn’t expecting to have to pick just one reason. Let me think which is the best one. And I won’t even use the whole ‘my family’s dead’ card.” My arms banded around my stomach to hold my guts inside. “I have to know there’s a promise it’ll all stop someday. I need that, Jamie. Just having this in my pocket, I already feel better.” I stroked my pocket over the vial. “It’s my ripcord. Without this, it’s only more pain. More of everyone dying. More fighting. More never being alone, thanks to you and my adulterous shadow, and still always being alone because of you and my adulterous shadow.” I shrugged and gave a glib laugh. “Who’s going to want to be with me when I come with you two?”
Jamie looked like I had slapped him, and I instantly felt bad. “I’m not trying to be in your way, Lucy. I didn’t plan to get laplanded with my best friend’s girlfriend.”
I held up my hands in surrender. “I know. I’m sorry. That was below the belt. I didn’t mean it. Well, I did, but it was cruel to say. Let’s just truce it out and get through this. I won’t touch the powder until after the last portal falls and we’re settled somewhere. Promise.” I drew an X over my heart to prove my sincerity. “I need something I can count on to take the pain away. I can’t explain it better than that. I just need it. I’ve got nothing left, Jamie.”
Horrible as I was, Jamie wrapped his arms around me. The tall grass shrouded our embrace, giving me the smallest breath of respite against his always steady heart. “Okay, sweetheart. Okay. Just don’t touch it until it’s all over. Then can we talk about it again before you try it? Who knows? You might not need it by then.”
We walked back to the others, and I was glad I missed the whole setting up camp ordeal. I’d bought six tents back in Fossegrim, but only three survived the bout with the farlig fisk. They were two-man tents, and when divvying up sleeping arrangements, I was the odd man out.
“Come on.” Jens beckoned me to the tent he was sharing with Foss. “We don’t have to talk if you don’t want. Just come sleep here.”
I shook my head. “I’m keeping watch. I’m not tired.”
“There’s nothing to watch for. There aren’t any real threats in Bedra this far out from civilization.”
“I’m fine here.” I sat against a thick palm tree that bore pink mangoes, staking out my territory. It wouldn’t be easy to sleep outside in the daylight, but I couldn’t imagine a situation in which I’d rest peacefully anytime soon.
Jens was in pain watching me from afar, as he’d done for years before I’d been introduced to him. He looked like someone who’d just gone on a bender. “You don’t want to be around me. I get it. Then take my spot. I’ll sleep out there.”
“Please,” I said, rubbing my eyes. “You look like you’ve been hit with a truck. Get some rest.”
“Lucy,” he pled.
“No, Jens. Just go to bed. I don’t have it in me to deal with you right now. It’s been a day.”
I turned my head from his long stare until he finally retreated to the tent he shared with Foss. I tried to make myself comfortable against the tree, but let’s face it, it’s a tree. A few minutes later, the tent Mace shared with Uncle Rick opened. My brother poked his head out and beckoned me forward. “In you get,” he said, leading me to lay down in between them. Uncle Rick shifted over to make room, but there really wasn’t any. Mace laid down and hugged me. As soon as his arms secured themselves around me, he rolled onto his back, tucking me into his wiry nook. “There. Go to sleep, kära.”
I blinked back the tears I wanted to cry all over his black shirt and sucked in my heartbreak as best I could. Uncle Rick patted my head with a weighted hand before drifting off to almost-sleep.
“Do you want me to make you sleep with a whistle? That’s an easy one.” Mace whispered, rubbing my back in a way I could not help but feel relaxed by.
“No. I’m too susceptible to you. I might never wake up if you do that.”
“Lucy,” Uncle Rick mumbled, “tell your brother I’ll turn him into a toad if you two don’t go to sleep. I’m an old man. I need my rest.”
Despite myself, I giggled. He’d said the exact same thing to Linus and me many times when we were keeping him up after he put us to bed during his monthly babysitting visits.
The thought of Linus did not comfort me as I hoped it would. Neither did Mace’s tenderness or the sound of nature doing its thing outside the tent. My life with my family felt eons away now. I’d changed so much since then. I wondered if Linus would even recognize me anymore, short hair aside.
I fell asleep to the sound of Uncle Rick’s soft snores and the gentle thrumming of Mace’s heartbeat.
Seven.
Confusion and Comfort
The sound of rustling woke me only seconds before something heavy as an ox rolled on my arm that had fallen lax off Mace’s stomach. “Ah! What the crap?” I pushed the wrestling oxen off me and stumbled out of the tent. The thing that had landed on me was the third tent, occupied by Foss and Jens, who were apparently dueling inside the tiny space. “Knock it off, you two!” I yelled, rubbing my sore arm. Mace, Alrik, Britta and Jamie scrambled out of their tents with wild blinking eyes.
Foss’s response was forced through his effort to best Jens. “He’s detoxing! Mace! Help me out with your whistle!”
Mace threw his head back, dismayed at the scene as the two bears tumbled around the campsite. Jens was sweaty from head to toe and positively ashen with fear on his face.
“Get off him, Foss!” I shouted, backing up as the two fought for dominance. They were fairly evenly matched. Foss was bigger, but Jens was a seasoned fighter.
“Cover your ears!” Charles commanded everyone. He waited for me to comply before letting out a low solitary note that sucked the fight out of Jens. He collapsed lifelessly to the ground, as if a hypnotist had counted down from three.
I was paralyzed as Alrik checked Jens’s pupils and tested his forehead to feel his burning temperature. He shook his head, silently scolding the sleeping man.
Foss stood from the white sand, stretching his back and cracking his neck. “He’s sleeping out here tonight. I’m not sharing a tent with him while he’s sweating out the poison.”
Jamie and Britta looked down at Jens in pity before returning to their tent as if nothing crazy had just occurred.
“Hello! What was that? What just happened?” I demanded, staring down at the snoring Jens at my feet.
Mace rubbed the sleep from his eyes and stretched. “Jens just spent a week with the Mare. They sit on your chest and take your will, replacing it with demons that chase you in your sleep until all the powder’s out of your system. Jens hasn’t been totally clean in a long time. He’s always snorting something to get by. He’ll have a couple rough nights, and then he’ll be back to normal.” Mace bent over and touched his toes. “Well, whatever his normal will be without the powder as a crutch.” He yawned after Uncle Rick went back into his tent and laid down. “Come on, baby.”
I froze, staring at him like a deer in headlights. “What?”
Charles caught his mistake too late, his shoulders going rigid. “I’m tired. I didn’t mean to call you that.”
Foss watched the exchange as he nursed a wound on his bicep.
“It’s fine,” I said, waving off the horrifying faux pas as if it meant nothing. “Go on ahead. I’ll stay out here and keep an eye on Jens. I’m not tired.”
Mace noticed my shift away from him, and his mood deflated. “It was an accident, Lucy. A little slip. That’s all. I know you’re my sister.”
“Oh, I know. No big deal. I was just a little cramped in there. That’s all. Go on to sleep, baby,” I teased him, trying to make things less awkward.
Mace’s tail drooped. He cast me a melancholy smile and disappeared inside his tent next to Alrik.
Foss stared me down until I met his gaze. He nodded twice and jerked his head toward his tent, motioning for me to come inside.
I stepped over Jens, who was laying with his mouth open on his back across the white sand, and tried not to feel sorry for him. Foss pushed me inside. I hugged the canvas wall and sat with my knees to my chest to give him plenty of room. Silently, he laid on his side facing me, and then dragged me down by my kneecap to lay next to him.
In a gesture of unexpected kindness, Foss cradled me in his arms. “Go ahead. Let it out.”
The dam I had constructed the moment I saw the naked women straddling my boyfriend broke all over Foss. My tears streamed down my nose and cheeks, wetting his bare chest. “I want to go home,” I whimpered. “I just want to go home.”
“I know. Me, too.”
Foss was always warm and cold at the same time. If his skin felt warm, he acted cold. Tonight, he was chilly, but his temperament was warm. Well, his version of warm, anyway. I wrapped my free arm around his ribs and rubbed his back, forcing friction where he needed it on his spine. He relaxed, closing his eyes and leaning his forehead to mine. “Get some sleep, baby,” he joked.
“Shut up, darling husband.” I smiled through my tears, and Foss wiped a few away.
I fell asleep in my enemy’s arms, loathing my life, but clinging to the moments of rest he provided.
Eight.
Pillow Talk
The next few days were much the same. We traveled by night and slept during the day. I kept quiet, sticking to the “speak when spoken to” rule that never failed me. I took extra care to keep the psychic wall up between Jamie and me, speaking to him only in sleep when he needed to escape into my brain from his horrifying nightmares.
The guys planned Alrik’s approach to the portal that would surely be guarded, and Britta and Jamie were paired off in their sweet little love bubble. I was happy for them, but my misery over my own failed attempt at a love life was palpable. I tried not to pine. I kept myself tucked tight inside Foss’s tent and did not go to Jens when his night terrors from the Mares plagued him.
Elvage Page 4