Mum in the Middle

by Jane Wenham-Jones

  ‘I’m going to get changed. Perhaps, Tilly,’ I said tightly, ‘you could bring me up a jasmine tea?’

  ‘What exactly are you playing at?’ I exploded, when she arrived in my bedroom proffering a cup and a defiant expression. ‘He’s got a bloody overnight bag in the hall. Where exactly is he going to sleep?’

  ‘In my bed in the conservatory,’ she said, as if it were obvious. ‘I can sleep with you, can’t I? It’s only for one night. I did tell you he was going to drive me back tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m quite sure you didn’t tell me you wanted him to stay here first.’ I glowered at her. ‘Why couldn’t he come in the morning?’

  ‘Fiona’s being stressy. She’s all wound up about the move. So I just thought–’ Tilly gave an exaggerated shrug, as if there were nothing odd in the arrangement.

  I frowned. ‘And how does she feel about him staying with his ex-wife?’

  ‘I think she’s glad to get him out of the way so she can carry on with her labelling.’ Tilly raised innocent brows, ‘You’re no threat are you, after all this time?’

  ‘No, of course not but–’

  ‘Fiona can be a pain in the arse but she’s still really attractive and she’s got a fantastic body.’

  The implications were clear. I glanced at my reflection in the full-length mirror as I started to pull the clothes from my ordinary, slightly squidgy body to put on some pyjama bottoms. Knowing Rob, he’d not told her anyway. He’d probably fabricated some visiting client or business club knees-up. I knew his techniques of old.

  ‘Anyway,’ Tilly was now lying on her stomach across my bed. ‘There’s no need to be so nasty. Dad’s being helpful. He’s doing a shift on the surveillance screen till Ben gets back. We couldn’t get the alert sound to work on the iPad, though. I think it’s all right on Jinni’s computer …’

  ‘What?’

  Having decided my brain cells had imploded from lack of nutrition, Tilly made cheesy Marmite toast while she filled me in on the day’s events and Rob provided pompous interjections to explain the technology.

  Jinni, forgetting I’d be in London, had come over early this morning in an excitable state to report she’d definitely seen someone skulking around her wheelie bins in the early hours of the morning when she went to the loo but had frightened the figure off by throwing open her front door, shrieking and hurling a dustpan at it.

  Ben, after recovering from being awake before nine, had seized upon this as an opportunity to delay his revision and had spent the rest of the day setting up the CCTV from the box David had left. Some sort of wireless webcam was now installed above her front door with infra-red light so it could capture images even in the dark, with a second beam homing in on our driveway, and was sending pictures to her computer and to his iPad.

  Ben had also been on hand to pass things while her electrician installed a powerful security light outside her back door and had his business card in case I wanted one.

  Jinni claimed the person who had run away was the right height and build to be David (Tilly, loyally, doubted this) but if not, had almost certainly been paid by him, but she was determined to capture the culprit whoever it was. An alarm would sound at her end when anyone broke the beam trained on her front gravel, and she then intended to utilise the broom handle she was keeping just inside the front door, along with an aerosol spray, to beat him into submission.

  ‘I really don’t think that’s wise,’

  I said. ‘She should phone the police.’

  ‘When Ben gets back he’s going to have another go at making the alarm come through here. It’s supposed to make a noise and send an email when it detects something. He thinks it might work on your laptop. Then we can leave it on loud and if things get hairy we’ll be able to phone the police too!’

  ‘Is this completely necessary?’ I asked wearily, my visions of a long, stress-free night of catching up on my sleep, shattered not only by the prospect of my daughter shifting about beside me but an ear-splitting beep going off every time a fox decided to nip across Jinni’s garden.

  Tilly rolled her eyes. ‘Ben said you were the one who wanted it set up! He and Gabe were going to do it, but it’s sorted now.’ She frowned. ‘I’ve not heard back from him. Ben said he had to go to a fashion show?’

  I yawned. ‘Yes, Malcolm is keeping him to the grindstone.’

  I was now on the sofa with my second cup of tea. Rob was settled in the chair with a red wine, grating on my nerves with regular bulletins from the screen of the iPad, on which I could only see some wavy things that looked like bits of plant. ‘Why don’t you tell us when something has happened, not when it hasn’t?’ I said waspishly, earning another glare from my daughter.

  I was just announcing I was going to bed, to see if I could get in an hour before Tilly came clumping up to join me, when the front door burst open and my sons spilled into the room, clutching take-aways.

  ‘Mumsie!’ Ben cried jubilantly. ‘You’re back!’

  ‘And you’re pissed,’ said Tilly.

  Ben grinned at her, kissed me and went over to hug his father. ‘We’ve had a pint or two, haven’t we, bruv?’ he said, looking at Oliver, who also seemed pretty relaxed.

  ‘Sam okay?’ he asked Tilly. His sister nodded. ‘She said to tell you she was going to read …’

  ‘So,’ Ben was perched on the arm of Rob’s chair, eating a chip. ‘I’ve got to get this email alert set up …’

  ‘Couldn’t you do it in the morning?’ I asked. ‘And perhaps get a plate?’ He was now hauling a kebab out of the box, scattering shreds of lettuce onto the carpet.

  ‘We’ve got to be ready,’ Ben said loudly. ‘Ollie and I are going to get him, aren’t we, bruv?’

  I sighed and got up. ‘I doubt anyone will come back tonight if Jinni was throwing things at them last time. And if you do see anything, you call 999. You don’t want to be arrested yourselves for causing an affray. Suppose he–’

  Oliver walked past me to the kitchen. ‘Don’t worry, Mum. It’s all cool.’

  Rob straightened up and pointed to himself in a gesture that conveyed he was there and would be supervising proceedings, so after making a small gesture back – in the direction of his wine glass – I gave up.

  ‘I’ll leave you to make sure your father’s got all he needs,’ I said, with sweet menace, to Tilly, still seething at the prospect of her kicking me half the night.

  ‘If one of us blocks off his exit,’ I heard Ben say, ‘the other one can jump him.’

  ‘Suppose he climbs over the back?’ Even Oliver was joining in now.

  I shook my head as I climbed the stairs. Perhaps I’d been wrong to foist my Enid Blytons on them. As if to confirm it, I heard the word ‘dog’. Then the low murmur of Rob’s voice and Tilly laughing.

  My legs ached with tiredness as I burrowed under the duvet, having put a pillow around my ears. It had been after midnight by the time I’d checked everything for the meeting, and I’d been up before six.

  I yawned deeply and rubbed my eyes. I still had Caroline’s mascara on.

  Chapter 34

  I woke with a jolt just after 1 a.m. Tilly hadn’t come to bed. Outside I could hear a wild whooping, like a war cry.

  Stumbling to the window, wobbly with fatigue, I looked across the road to where dark figures were moving about outside Jinni’s. I could see torchlight. As I heard another triumphant cry, I realised it was Ben over there making all the racket.

  I grabbed my dressing gown and hurried downstairs. The front door was open. As I stepped out onto the path, Tilly came running towards me.

  ‘Come on,’ she panted at me. ‘They’ve seen someone.’

  ‘Have you phoned the police?’

  ‘Jinni says we’ll catch him first …’

  ‘I expect he’s miles away by now, with all that noise.’

  ‘I know – Ben’s a moron.’

  ‘Where’s your father?’

  ‘He went to bed. Jinni wants you. Come ON …’

/>   ‘I’d better get dressed.’

  ‘What for?’

  With Tilly almost shoving me through the front door, I put flip-flops on, tied my dressing gown tighter and allowed her to lead me across the dark road to the rectory. As we crunched our way over the gravel, Jinni opened the front door, in an orange kimono. ‘This way,’ she said in a stage whisper. ‘Tilly, help me close the gates.’

  While I waited in the unlit hallway, she and Tilly dragged the big iron gates shut and secured them with what looked like a bicycle padlock.

  ‘That’ll sort the bastard,’ Jinni said with satisfaction, as she came back in.

  Confused, I followed her into the kitchen, where Oliver and Ben were standing near the open back door. ‘What’s actually happened?’ I yawned. ‘Can I make some tea?’

  Jinni flicked a switch on the kettle. ‘He’s out there,’ she said, nodding towards the back garden.

  Jinni, it transpired, had already gone to bed when my three, still sitting up drinking, had spotted movement on the iPad screen. Ben and Oliver, clearly invigorated by another round of beers, had charged over there, only to see a hooded figure running around the side of the building. They’d given chase, but whoever it was had disappeared. But they knew he was still there because there’d been no sounds of anyone trying to scramble over a wall and they’d now got a row of wheelie bins blocking the exit back round to the front.

  ‘And we’ve been watching the whole time,’ said Ben.

  ‘He must be bloody uncomfortable,’ said Tilly. ‘Lying in all those bushes.’

  ‘There’s loads of nettles down the end there, too,’ Jinni added. ‘And rubble and all sorts. Serves him right. Hope the rats get him.’

  ‘Have you got rats?’ I asked, nervously.

  ‘Who knows,’ said Jinni. ‘But they like undergrowth, don’t they?’

  ‘They say there’s one within twenty metres of every house,’ said Tilly.

  ‘One and a half million in the sewers,’ put in Oliver.

  I shuddered. ‘Can you stop it? Who else wants tea?’

  Everyone ignored me. ‘Right, this is the plan,’ said Jinni. ‘We’re going to make a big deal of waving the torch about and then shutting the door and turning all the lights out, as if we think we’ve lost him. Then we sit here in the dark and wait. When he thinks we’ve all gone, he’ll come out and then we’ll pounce …’

  As my offspring all nodded, I looked with disbelief at their shining faces. I really was in the middle of a Famous Five novel. ‘Are you absolutely sure there’s anyone there?’ I asked. ‘Who actually saw the hooded figure?’

  ‘Ben,’ said Oliver, at the same time as Ben said: ‘I did’, and the first seed of doubt appeared in Tilly’s eyes.

  ‘It wasn’t someone delivering pizza leaflets?’

  ‘What? At one in the morning?’ Jinni raised her eyebrows.

  ‘If they’re students, doing a holiday job …’ I shrugged.

  ‘There was nothing through the door.’

  ‘Perhaps you scared him off before he could leave it.’

  All four looked at me as if I were ruining everything.

  ‘I’ll make tea,’ I said.

  As I dropped a Darjeeling teabag into a mug, Jinni’s voice rang in from the garden. ‘There’s no one here. You boys go home. Tell your mum I’ll call her in the morning …’

  ‘Okay, sure.’ Ben was playing along.

  ‘I’m knackered,’ Jinni was telling him. ‘I’m going to hit the sack.’

  ‘Okay,’ Ben was now sounding rather staged. ‘We’ll be off, then.’

  They came in and Jinni made a fuss of jiggling the key in the lock as she turned it. Then she turned off the last remaining light, leaving just a small glow coming in from a lamp in the hallway.

  She went through to the hall and we heard her open the front door. ‘See you! Thanks for your help!’ we heard her bellow, before the front door was slammed shut.

  ‘That should have carried,’ she said in a low voice as she returned. ‘Now stay glued. Thank God it’s a clear night.’

  She and Ben and Oliver took up position on three wooden chairs a couple of feet back from the dark glass. I sat at the table in the gloom with my tea. Tilly sat opposite. She drummed her fingers on the wood and yawned. ‘I hope he comes out soon – then we can give him a smacking and get to bed.’

  ‘You won’t!’ I frowned at her. ‘You mustn’t do anything illegal. Do you hear that Ben? Oliver?’ I added, thinking of Rob’s face if his sons were carted off by the long arm of the law. So much for him keeping an eye on proceedings! Both boys grunted.

  ‘The police take a dim view of vigilantes,’ I continued. ‘I think we should phone now and let them take over.’

  ‘Take over what?’ said Jinni. ‘They’re hardly going to come rushing round because we say we think there might be someone in the hedge–’

  ‘I think they will,’ I protested. ‘If you say you’re a single woman on your own and you’re frightened …’

  Jinni looked cynical. ‘They didn’t do a lot last time. Said to call if it happened again. Much better to phone them when we’ve made a citizen’s arrest.’ I gave up. My phone was still next to my bed.

  ‘We must keep really still,’ said Jinni. ‘Though I could do with some coffee. Not to mention a small port …’

  Half an hour later I could feel my eyelids drooping. I’d long finished my tea and was ready to go back to sleep. ‘I think I’ll slide quietly out of the front,’ I said. ‘I really am knackered. Whoever you might have seen has long gone.’

  ‘You can’t get out,’ said Jinni, in a low voice, still staring through the glass. ‘Do you want to lie down on my– LOOK!’

  She grabbed Oliver’s arm. ‘See!’ she hissed. ‘Something moving over there!’ All three leant forward. Tilly leapt up from her seat and crouched down beside Ben.

  ‘He’s crawling …’

  Despite myself, I joined them at the window and peered out. ‘Keep back,’ whispered Oliver. ‘Is it someone or the bushes are blowing about?’

  ‘That’s a body.’ Ben was adamant. ‘Come on!’

  ‘I’ll open the door,’ Jinni was saying. ‘Then we charge …’

  ‘Suppose he’s armed?’ My voice came out in a squeak.

  Tilly threw me a disparagingly look. ‘He might have some eggs in his pocket.’

  I leant forward as far as I dared and looked into the darkness, I could make out shrubs and trees and then I saw it too – a black shape moving slowly along the edge of the grass, keeping back against the bushes. We all seemed to be holding our breath. As we watched, the shape straightened up and a figure could clearly be seen creeping along past an old shed at the bottom of Jinni’s garden. I was shot through with fear. ‘Oh my God, what are we going to do?’ I put a hand over my mouth as Jinni sprang into action.

  Suddenly a beam of bright light fell across the garden and she had the back door open. Before I could move, Oliver and Ben were running across the grass towards the intruder with Tilly behind. I heard Jinni yell: ‘Bastard!’ as my sons threw themselves on the dark figure, bringing him flat down onto the ground and Jinni swung a flashlight over the three of them. Someone shrieked – it was probably me – and Tilly chucked herself down on the grass too, grabbing one of the jutting legs, holding onto it with both hands to prevent escape.

  But the figure pinned to the floor wasn’t struggling. He lay face down, the hood of his sweatshirt pulled up over his hair, and made no noise. ‘Oh my God,’ I squeaked again. ‘Have you hurt him?’

  ‘I hope so!’ said Jinni, grimly. ‘Let’s have a look at you, you weasel …’

  Breathing heavily, Oliver and Ben sat back and rolled the man over.

  A can of spray paint was pushed into the damp grass where he’d been lying. He winced as Jinni shone the torch into his face and we all gasped.

  I heard Ben mutter: ‘Oh mate,’ as my daughter gave a screech of fury.

  ‘You!’ Tilly spluttered. ‘You stupid–’
She stopped, seeming to struggle for the right words, while we all continued to gawp. ‘You complete and utter TWAT!’

  I stared at the blonde hair and pale face of the young man lying in front of me, his eyes wide with shock, as Tilly – totally uncharacte‌ristically, and to everyone’s astonishment – burst into tears.

  Chapter 35

  Ten hours later we were still in varying states of undress and misery.

  ‘I don’t believe it,’ said Tilly, for the sixth time. She sat at the table in her nightie and pushed her hands through her hair. ‘What was he thinking of?’

  Ben, opening the freezer in his boxers and collecting several slices of bread, yawned. ‘Stop going on. He was trying to get his story, like he told us.’

  Tilly shook her head. ‘Jinni’s furious.’

  ‘She’ll calm down,’ I told her. When the screaming had ended the night before, I had packed Gabriel off with my sons as escort, for his own safety, suggesting the matter was discussed today when we all felt more composed.

  I had got the feeling that, irate as she was, Jinni’s main source of outrage with Gabriel was disappointment that she could no longer blame David. ‘Did he put you up to this?’ she had demanded as Gabriel, looking broken, had tried to explain himself.

  He was waiting at my gate when I finally crossed the road, Jinni having eventually agreed to go to bed after one more port for the shock. Tilly had already gone ahead and I imagined the boys, now they’d seen Gabriel off the premises and away from Jinni’s threats to ‘kill you, you little scrote’, were indoors also.

  ‘I was going to clean it off in the morning,’ he’d said. ‘Once I’d got the photo. I’ve always made it right again.’

  I’d nodded, too tired to speak. ‘Tell me tomorrow.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Tess.’

  He’d walked away under the streetlight and disappeared into the darkness. It took me hours to get to sleep.

  ‘At least now we know what this was all about,’ I said to Tilly. ‘Not a nasty group. Or anything like that,’ I added, thinking about the way I’d almost begun to doubt David. ‘It was stupid but as he told us, he’s been trying to repair the damage as he’s gone along. He only threw paint over the outhouse because he’d heard Jinni say it was being pulled down …’