This Is Just My Face

by Gabourey Sidibe

  When it came to Peaches’s story, it was an extra-emotional day on set. For one, I cast my real-life cousin Sean to play Peaches’s murdered son. Sean is six-foot-four, kind, and harmless. He came in for photography the day before his wedding. He’s three years younger than I am, and no matter how much he towers over me, he will always be my nerdy little cousin. Directing our actress, Aisha Hinds, to cry over his photograph was harder than I thought. I directed the entire day with tears streaming down my face, but it was worth it to convey our message. Please see my humanity before you kill me.

  With every role I play in film or television, my goal is to bring life and humanity to the character. To lose myself and dive into someone else’s space and world. With my own work, like this book and my film, I don’t have a character to hide behind. I wrote this! These are my experiences, thoughts, and emotions. If someone reads this book and decides that I’m a bad person, I can’t say, “Oh, you just don’t like Becky from Empire or Andrea from The Big C.” Nope. It’s Gabby from Gabourey who that person doesn’t like. If someone doesn’t like my film, it’s just me here—my art, my opinion. (Directing is just a matter of opinion. I learned that from my assistant director Marcus.)

  I knew that if I wrote a book or directed a film I would be on my own without anything to hide behind. That’s why I didn’t want to do it. Fear. But here we are five or so years later, and the fear is gone. I’m standing by myself in front of the entire world with my book under one arm and my film under the other. Most of my secrets, most of my shames and fears, are written into them. My humanity is written into them, too, and I actually don’t care if someone doesn’t like it. That’s just an opinion. It won’t ever make me any less human.

  Thank you for reading.

  P.S. Yes, it is hella awkward whenever I run into anyone from NSYNC. They never want to make out with me like in my soap operas. Rude.

  Acknowledgments

  There are many names swirling around my head to thank or acknowledge concerning this book. I would love to brag that I wrote this book all by myself—and I do and will continue to do so—but I certainly couldn’t have done it without the push of several people I am grateful to know.

  Working backward, I have to first thank Deanne Urmy of Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, my editor, whom I trusted most because she knows how to interrupt me and stop me from talking. I don’t mean that in a passive-aggressive “she’s always interrupting me” way because I’m so grateful for it. I tend to talk too much, tell too much of the story and then the backstory and then the back backstory. It’s too much and the first story, the only interesting part, gets lost. Deanne always keeps me on track while protecting the true story. It is a gift to be shut up by you, Deanne. When I first met Deanne, I noted that she looked smart and that everyone at HMH seemed bright. I soon found out that Deanne was even smarter than she looked that day. A brilliant woman I’m blessed to have in my corner. Thank you, Deanne. Also, she knows that when I say “Oh, yeah, I’m almost done with this chapter; I’ll send it to you by Friday” that I am most certainly lying and I mean Friday of next month. Thank you for never calling my bluff.

  Becky Sweren, who was my editor before HMH, helped me so much. She carved every single one of my ramblings into a solid story, sometimes taking three different chapters and making them one as if she were a literary Frankenstein. Just as brilliantly, she could take one chapter and turn them into three. This gave me so much freedom! I felt as if I could write as much or as little as I wanted but that it was all valuable in some way so that even if I didn’t think the paragraphs and themes would somehow meet each other Becky would find the links and make sure they were consistent. Clearly, this book would’ve just been a pile of Post-it notes with crudely drawn emojis and tearstains on them if she hadn’t wrangled my rants and tweets together to make the manuscript. Thank you.

  David Kuhn, my literary agent, is a fancy man in a fancy hat who could sell snow to an Eskimo. He first had to sell me on the idea that maybe I had a book in me. Then he had to sell me on sharing the possible book in me as I was sure it was all a dark mess. I’m glad he convinced me. My dark mess didn’t seem so dark or messy on the page, and my heart felt lighter. I didn’t expect that. Then he sold the living shit out of those not so dark and not so messy pages. I couldn’t be happier. Thank you, David, for helping me to bleed. In a good way.

  Jill Kaplan is my manager and friend, and she has never let me be complacent about one thing. She has helped to usher me around all of the different facets of my career and of who I am as a person. From film actor to TV actor to writer to director. Even when I’m not convinced I’m smart enough to do any of these things, she always keeps me moving in directions I’d never think of just by saying, “But, Gab . . . why not you? You can do that.” We can do that. Thank you, Jill.

  Kathy Najimy. Thank you. You gave me the space and opportunity to write anything that I wanted. ANYTHING! I wrote an eight-page essay about cookies for you that somehow turned into a book. An entire gotdamned book! How did this happen? Forever, you’ll either be mistaken for a nun or a witch, and I will forever be convinced of your power, as clearly you are both!

  Though I suspect none of them will ever read this book as they already know these stories, I have to thank my parents and my older brother. Not just because I talk lots of shit about them but because I respect and love them. Writing about them has helped me to see them as they actually are. Human. There were times I didn’t want to write about my mom because I’d be pissed with her about one thing or another so I would put off a certain story for weeks. Sometimes months. But when I started to write, I’d always somehow end up on the subject of her. I’d have no choice but to see her sacrifices, her pain, and her glory. My story wouldn’t be if not for her story, and I couldn’t ignore that. The same could be said for my father, who I’ve been mad at since childhood. I had to write this story and part of his story to see his humanity and get relief from my anger. I didn’t even know that this was something I wanted, but I’m glad I have it. He is just a person. I know that now. I forgive both of my parents for not being the superheroes I was convinced they were. My brother Ahmed, who survived my childhood right along with me, has been a shining example of what your heart can be if you choose love over anger. I’m glad he did that even if I couldn’t figure out how to do it for myself.

  Thank you to my friends, my chosen family who read portions of my book earlier than anyone else. You all let me read unfinished chapters to you that revealed more about me than I was ready to tell. You patiently listened and gave me notes and asked me if I was sure I was ready to tell that story or this truth. You’re all so wonderful, and I appreciate you all so much, and every time you wanted to hang out and I said I was writing, I was lying. I just wanted to stay home and watch Martin reruns and eat Funyuns in my underwear. But you’ll forgive me for my lies because you’re the best people in the world. Thank you also for getting me out of the house when I was actually writing and needed a mental break. There were plenty of late-night trips to Burger King or Portillo’s, dance breaks, movie nights, and talks over tea that saved me from drowning in the word soup of my brain. JohnGray, Cass, Danie, Dana, Kia, Jussie, thank you for all of your love.

  Thank you to Gbenga Akinnagbe and his beautiful ENITAN furniture for lending me a gorgeous couch for my book’s photo shoot. I really felt like a boss when that couch showed up!

  Lastly, a shout-out to my therapist. Get dat money, gurl.

  About the Author

  GABOUREY SIDIBE is an award-winning actress who is best known for the title role in Precious, based on the novel Push by Sapphire. She has since starred as Queenie in FX’s American Horror Story: Coven and Denise in Difficult People, and can currently be seen as Becky on Fox’s smash-hit sensation Empire. This Is Just My Face is her first book.

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