Building on Lies

by T. Banny

  “ Aw, Nellie," Ro said, and came around to hold me. I held her tight, my best friend who was more like a sister to me.

  “ Channing?" she said, and I nodded.

  “ I broke up with him," I said, and once I said it out loud, I started to cry for real.

  “ Nellie! Why? What happened?”

  I told her about our brief conversation. She went to one of the kitchen counters, and brought over a box of tissue.

  “ I don’t know, Nellie. Maybe you over reacted," Ro said, wiping a tear from my nose.

  “ Over reacted?" I exclaimed. “ Ro, he’s the one who over reacted. He saw a harmless, nothing little kiss between me and Joaquim in school, and made it seem like I was practically having sex with him!”

  “ Yeah, true. But breaking up over the phone is never a good move. Sure, Channing has no right to be jealous, considering he’s still seeing Samantha. Still, maybe this was something you two needed to talk about face to face," Ro said.

  “ Romina, I can’t believe you’re defending Chan. I thought you didn’t like him," I said, incredulously.

  “ I never said I didn’t like him. I don’t like your relationship with him. Cheating, and sneaking around only leads to heartache," she said.

  “ Tell me about it," I murmured.

  “ I just think you two need to work it out face to face, though," Ro went on. “ You’re going to be a mess until you talk to him”.

  “ Oh, I’m not going to talk to him anymore. I have too much pride," I said, firmly, even though I couldn’t stop crying.

  “ Um, not to knock you, Nellie, but you didn’t have all that much pride when you started seeing a guy who already has a steady girlfriend," Ro pointed out.

  “ Ro, you don’t understand. There are reasons why Channing won’t break up with Samantha St. John. I mean, he won’t leave her for me or for anybody. Not even another A-girl," I said, sadly.

  “ What reasons, Nellie? Maybe I’d understand if you told me what they were," Ro said impatiently.

  “ I promised Chan I’d never tell," I said, taking another tissue out of the box. But maybe I could finally tell Ro… Channing and I were over, after all. Ro wasn’t a gossip, like my other friends. If I told her, it would stay with her.

  “ I just can’t think of one good reason to stay with someone you don’t love," Ro said, shaking her head.

  I took a deep breath, and told Ro what Channing had explained to me about his relationship with Samantha.

  “ Okay, so Channing and Samantha grew up together, just like you and me and Joaquim and Tommy”, I said. “And they started seriously dating two years ago”.

  Ro raised an eyebrow, “So they started dating in junior high? Wow, that’s really young”.

  “ It is”, I agreed. “Channing regrets it now, he says they were definitely too young to be so serious. He thinks things might have been a lot different if they’d hadn’t moved so fast. But even though they were both really young, their parents were happy to see them together. He told me they actively encouraged the relationship, even though they were both barely fifteen.”

  “I mean, I guess it’s not that weird, I know my parents started dating really young”, Ro said.

  “True, but I don’t think Daisy would ever let us spend time alone with boys. But Channing says his parents and Samantha’s parents went on vacations together, and let them spend all this time together. That’s how happy they were that Chan and Samantha were dating”, I said. “Chan thinks his parents were on board with it because Ty was dating girls his parents didn’t approve of. So they were thrilled that Chan was dating a girl from within their circle”.

  Ro rolled her eyes. “Why does that matter so much to those people? Especially when Channing and Ty were just little kids in middle school, it’s not like they’re going to get married or anything.”

  I bit my lip. This was where Channing’s situation got complicated.

  “ Yeah well, they barely graduated middle school when Samantha got pregnant”, I told Ro.

  Ro’s blue eyes widened, shocked. “What? Pregnant? I didn’t know they had a baby! I mean, we don’t run in that crowd, but this is the first I’ve ever heard of a baby!”

  “Well… they don’t have the baby now” I said, unsure how to continue.

  “They don’t have the baby? Where is the baby?” Ro asked, incredulously. Then she narrowed her eyes. “Oh. I see”.

  I shook my head. “No, it’s not that, Ro. Samantha had the baby. But… okay so, Channing wanted to tell both their parents right away, but he says Samantha refused. He says she was in denial about the pregnancy. It didn't matter how many times he told her they had to make a decision… tell their parents, or terminate the pregnancy…she refused to say or do anything about it. He says she refused to even talk about it, she just carried on as if nothing were wrong”.

  “So she hid it?” Ro breathed. “Wow”.

  I sighed. “Yeah. Not only did she hide it…she decided to do something really stupid. Instead of telling their parents, she overdosed on pain pills, and was rushed to the hospital”.

  “Oh my God!”, Ro gasped. “She tried to hurt herself?”

  I nodded. “She had to have her stomach pumped, and it was then her pregnancy was discovered by their parents. Chan said she was really lucky, she got to the hospital in time for them to help her. She didn’t lose the baby. Instead, her parents sent her to England to stay with relatives until she gave birth. The baby was placed for adoption in Europe.”

  Ro looked at me in disbelief. “That is so crazy, Nellie. I would never have imagined anything like that happening to Channing or a girl like Samantha. Those people lead such perfect lives, you know?”

  “It seems like it, doesn’t it?” I agreed, thinking about how all the A kids drove expensive cars, lived in beautiful homes, were at the top of all the classes at Lincoln High. It didn’t seem like unplanned pregnancies and suicide attempts could happen to such golden people. But they did.

  “Anyway, after the pregnancy, it was decided Channing and Samantha would marry once they graduated high school”. I continued. “He said his parents were furious with him, and really embarrassed over the whole thing. They felt having Chan and Samantha was the only way to…fix what happened. He said Samantha’s parents agreed, especially since Samantha didn’t want to break things off with Chan”.

  “Samantha didn’t, huh?”, Ro said softly. She fiddled with the tissue box in front of her. “What about Channing? How did he feel?”

  “ I think he felt so bad about placing Samantha in such a sad situation that he’d agreed”, I said. “He told me he didn’t love Samantha, but he felt really guilty about what happened.”

  “And the baby? Did they ever get to see the baby before the adoption?”

  I shook my head. “Chan told me he never even got to meet the baby since Samantha gave birth overseas, and he was here. All he knows is that it was a boy. Both their parents decided Channing and Samantha would never have contact with the baby. Because they were so young, you know?”

  “I mean, I guess I understand. Fifteen is too young to be parents. But it just seems really cruel that Chan never even got to see the baby”, Ro said.

  “ He told me he wanted to keep his information available, in case his son ever wanted to find him. He said he was willing to be a father.

  But both their parents wanted to keep everything a secret. They didn’t want anything to be discovered, and Chan said they set it up as a private, closed adoption, so there’s no communication with the adoptive family.”

  “How’d Samantha feel about it?”

  Chan admitted to me that this was where the rift between him and Samantha had deepened. He’d wanted to seek out their child, and at least keep their information open for the future, but Samantha had not. She didn’t want to be a mother, and she didn’t want people to know about her pregnancy. She was fine with the closed adoption, and was glad to have the situation solved.

  “Samantha didn’t want to have any
thing to do with the baby, or the adoption”, I told Ro. “And when Chan wanted to break up…she refused. He wanted to break up with her, but anytime he hinted at it, Samantha would do something extreme.”

  “Extreme? Like what?”, Ro was at the edge of her seat, fully absorbed in what I what I was telling her.

  “ Chan told me smashed all of his car windows in last year when he tried to call things off. Or she’d threaten to take pills again. Or she’d go to his parents and make it seem like Chan was being mean to her. He says she’s constantly reminding him of the pain she’d had to suffer because of him, even though he’s apologized over and over”.

  Ro frowned. “That’s sounds really awful. But I don’t know, it seems like Channing has gone out of his way to paint himself the good guy in the whole thing, and Samantha is the troublemaker”.

  “No way, Ro!”, I said, needing to defend him. “That’s why he’s still with her. Because he feels bad over what happened. He feels responsible for her. And he doesn’t want to let his parents down either. He’s always trying to please them, and they want him to marry Samantha. He can’t break up with her”.

  Ro’s frown deepened. “But he doesn’t love her?”

  “No. He says they were just kids when they started hooking up. And then things got bigger, a lot bigger than he could handle. And then…he met me”.

  “ Poor Channing. So he has a kid out there he’ll never get to see?" Ro asked, breathlessly. Ro was an orphan, and I know that part of Chan’s story troubled her the most. I don’t know if it made her sympathetic toward him, but I could tell by her frown that she was moved by it.

  “ Yeah," I said, softly. “ And you can see why he won’t leave Samantha”.

  “ He feels responsible for her," Ro repeated, then took a deep breath. “It’s hard to believe she’s so...unbalanced. She seems so normal!”

  “ Personally, I think she sounds like a drama queen," I said. “ But Channing is always scared she’s going to do something outrageous”.

  “ I just don’t get why he can’t stand up to his parents. If he doesn’t love Samantha, why should he be forced to marry her? It would be a lifetime of unhappiness," Ro said, in disgust.

  “ I guess rich families do things differently, Ro. Well, at least his family. They’ve got Channing’s whole life mapped out. And he feels like he has to be the responsible son, the good son," I said.

  “ Yeah, because Ty Sutton is just wild. I can’t imagine him being forced to do anything he doesn’t want to do," Ro said, and there was just a trace of admiration in her voice.

  “ Ty doesn’t care about his family’s reputation," I said, defensively. “ Channing does. He’s made a lot of sacrifices just to please his parents”.

  I wasn’t going to tell Ro about Chan’s wanting to be a woodworker. That was something between me and him. I was proud Chan had shared his passion with me. Most of the A crowd knew about the Samantha situation, although according to Channing, no one dared mention it. But no one knew about his hobby. Only me and his brother.

  “ Yeah, but what about his own happiness?" Ro asked.

  “ Well, it’s his life now. I’m not a part of it anymore," I said, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t feel any better for saying it, though.

  “ Nellie, I don’t know what to say”. Ro shrugged her shoulders helplessly. “ I know how much you like Channing, but a part of me feels like maybe he’s too complicated”.

  “ Yeah. Maybe I should just focus on Joaquim. Nice, uncomplicated Joaquim," I said.

  “ Don’t focus on Joaquim just because you’re pissed at Channing. That’s not fair" Ro said, shaking her head. “ But I do think you should have some fun with Joaquim. Hang out like the old days. You’ve been so wrapped up in Channing, you know?”

  “ What’s for dinner?" I asked, needing to change the subject. Talking about Chan and his situation made me miss him, brought all of the tenderness I felt for him. He was a good guy who’d gotten in over his head. I had a feeling I was going to be wrapped up in Channing for a while. Even though I’d broken things off, I loved him, and it was going to be a long time before I got over him.

  “ Steak and potatoes?" Ro suggested, catching on that I didn’t want to talk about Chan any longer. I nodded, and got the potatoes out of the fridge.

  The next day was Tuesday, and my mom came back from her assignment. She had even more work, though, as it was approaching the holiday season, and a lot of customers wanted to change their draperies for heavier materials. I went with her on a project Wednesday night. It was a school night, but I was caught up with most of my schoolwork, and looked forward to the distraction.

  My mom was more excited about my going to the Winter Dance with Joaquim than I was, and she kept talking about it with Giselle.

  “ Young love is so beautiful!"Giselle said, with a romantic sigh.

  “ And don’t Nellie and Joaquim make the most adorable couple? I used to date his father in high school, remember, Gee?" my mom laughed.

  “ Yeah, before his wife Fran stole him from you!"Giselle teased.

  I tried to pretend I was amused by the whole thing, but it was hard. I couldn’t stop thinking about Channing.

  On Thursday, I felt like I was walking through a thick fog. I couldn’t focus on anything my friends said to me, and it was hard to concentrate in class. I hadn’t heard from Channing, or even seen him in the halls at school. I missed him so bad I felt like I was going to die from how much my heart ached. I jumped anytime my cell phone rang, hoping it would be him. At night, I waited for his good night text message. It never came.

  After three months of dating, it seemed like Channing was okay with us breaking up so abruptly. It was hard to believe. We’d had so much fun together, and I thought he genuinely cared for me. Maybe I’d just been a distraction, something to take his mind off his ugly relationship with Samantha.

  It didn’t help that Joaquim had taken to meeting me at my locker every morning, and waiting around for me in between classes. All of our friends were hinting we should become a couple. It seemed like everyone…from my mother to Ro to Tommy…wanted me and Joaquim to get together. No one noticed I just wasn’t into Joaquim in that way. All they saw was what a cute couple we would make.

  I considered pretending I was sick on Friday, in order to stay home from school, and also to avoid going bowling with Joaquim. I didn’t want to go to school because Friday was the day I had Sociology, the class I had with Channing. I didn’t think I’d be able to handle sitting across from him for an entire forty five minutes.

  Most other Fridays, I looked forward to Sociology because I loved exchanging secret looks with Chan when no one was looking. We’d even come up with a secret code to communicate in class. Two fingers over our lips meant, “ I want to kiss you”. When he stretched his arms high over his head, “ I think you’re beautiful, Nellie”. When I bit my lip and raised my eyebrows it meant, “You look hot today, Chan”. Sometimes we'd even tap our feet at the same time, together, for no reason at all.

  Ro thought all the twitching and gesturing we did in class was ridiculous. “ Especially since no one knows why you two are doing it! It looks like you’re both suffering from nervous symptoms!”

  Channing and I had fun with it, even though there were times where we would have to struggle not to crack up altogether.

  And when we weren’t using our secret codes, we’d just stare at each other. Not long enough for anyone to become aware of, but long enough so we could both get our fill of each other. I never got tired of staring at him. And not just because he was movie star handsome, with his dark hair, green eyes, and strong build.

  No, it was because I’d started to notice little things about him that were so cute. The wrinkles that formed in between his eyes when he was concentrating, the way he lifted one eyebrow when someone in class said something silly. I noticed his smile, which was kind of on the sly side, as if he knew a world of secrets. I also noticed he was able to keep his body really still, somethi
ng he’d learned to do as a part of his wood making.

  Channing said he liked the way my eyes sparkled whenever I heard something funny. He liked the way I made goofy faces in class when I was bored, and how I nodded my head whenever I agreed with someone. He loved my sweet smile, and told me I was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen. It felt great to know he was just as into me as I was into him.

  But he didn’t even look up at me when I walked into class on Friday. He kept his head down, staring at his binder. I didn’t try to make eye contact. I just slid in my seat beside Ro, and asked her if I could look off her text book, because I’d forgotten mine.

  “ Slip him a note or something," Ro whispered in my ear. “ You both look miserable”.

  “ Nope," I said, trying to make my voice sound airy and light, even though I felt like dead weight inside. “ Beside, he wouldn’t appreciate a Cove girl like me trying to talk to him”.

  Ro sighed. “ You know that’s not true, Nellie”.

  “ Let me see your notes from last week," I said, ignoring her.

  I did try and peek at him when I was sure he wasn’t looking. I didn’t know what Ro was talking about. Channing didn’t appear particularly miserable. He didn’t look too happy either, but maybe he was just uncomfortable being in class with me. He had a neutral expression, and I realized it was pointless to try and gauge what he was feeling, or thinking. Channing was an expert at hiding his feelings, I knew that better than anyone.

  Our Sociology teacher allowed us a five minute break. Channing got up from his chair, and my heart pounded, wondering if he was going to talk to me. He didn’t. Instead, he sat next to Bethany Grant, one of his good friends and an A-girl who was just as popular in their little crowd as Samantha. I couldn’t hear what they were saying but it annoyed me when Bethany started to laugh hysterically at something he said.

  I turned to Ro, wishing I could control my emotions as well as he could. I felt my face turn flaming hot, and my hands were shaking so bad I had to grip the edge of my desk.