It's Not You, It's Me

by Camilla Sacre-Dallerup

  CHECK YOUR ENERGY

  If you are tired or in a bad mood, become aware of how you are feeling before you decide to interact with any potential energy-zapping people or situations. You could protect yourself by, for example, making sure that you are prepared mentally, and that you have meditated and had enough sleep. The key is to not leave it up to chance. In the self-care chapter (see page 134), I will give you more tools to help you take care of your health and wellbeing. The stronger you are both mentally and physically, the better able you will be to deal with any person or situation. When we are tired or rundown is not the right time to address things because issues become magnified. It is better to rest and then look at everything with fresh eyes.

  “Everything is vibration”

  So believed Albert Einstein! Words, vibrations… “What?” I hear you ask. Not to get heavily into quantum physics here, but science has led us to believe that everything is energy and that everything is vibrating at different frequencies. You may have heard of the Law of Vibration and the Law of Attraction, that “like attracts like”, meaning what we speak of and think of, we attract more of. I find all of this fascinating and it has inspired me to be mindful of what I’m vibrating or emitting into the world. There is a very apt quote: “You know the truth by the way it feels.” When we are speaking or thinking angry words, it doesn’t feel good within, your mood drops and you start to feel low and doubt yourself. On the other hand, if you think positive things about yourself, or even remember a time when everything felt good, you start to feel more upbeat and positive about yourself and the situation you are in.

  So when you reframe a situation from a more positive outlook your vibration and what you are sending out into the universe changes. Think of a time when you chose to be nice to someone who was unpleasant to you, and you watched their mood and tone change to match yours – your vibration and suddenly the situation became less uncomfortable, perhaps even pleasant. Or think of a time when you doubted that something would happen, but then decided to simply believe and trust that all would be okay and suddenly everything turned out in your favour.

  Esther and Jerry Hicks, authors of the #1 New York Times bestseller Money and the Law of Attraction, and many other fabulous books, are masters in the area of law of attraction and vibrations. Years ago when I was struggling to make it in my previous career, I knew I had to change my relationship with money to fully align myself with my dreams and desire of living a life of abundance. Going through a financial struggle personally brought up all the limited beliefs I had created around money, mostly inherited from what I had learnt or listened to growing up. Even if parents have the best intention at heart, how they speak about money and their actions can affect their child’s beliefs about it. Examples might be that however much money there was it was never enough, or money instead of time or affection was given to show love. The child learns that love is conditional or that money is love, or if there is anxiety around money they might fear it will run out.

  I wanted to change my outlook on money and switch it from one of lack to one of abundance, so I used to read Esther and Jerry’s books and listen to their financial abundance meditation on repeat. Their work hugely inspired and supported my belief of the power of reframing and the power of our thoughts. The teachings include, “When your vibration shifts, your point of attraction shifts, and, by the powerful law of attraction, your manifestational evidence or indicator must switch, also. You cannot talk consistently of the things you do want to experience in your life without the universe delivering the essence of them to you.”

  This works for the negative thoughts we put out there, too. So becoming aware of how we talk about a relationship or an issue makes us aware of what we are actually asking the universe to bring more of. If you want abundance in your life, you have to start talking about money with great love and not lack. If you want a great relationship with your boss or with a lover, you need to become aware of how you are talking about the relationship you are currently having or not having because remember what you speak of you attract more of. So if you are constantly complaining about everything that is going wrong, guess what… more things will go wrong and the relationship you desire will be even further out of reach. Instead, start talking about what you do want and use all the enticing words to make the situation as healed and desirable as you want. Improving how you think, feel and speak about that relationship will help the situation change in a positive way and help you attract what you are ultimately looking for.

  THE POWER OF WORDS

  If you still need some convincing that the words we speak can affect us both positively and negatively, let’s look at some more research. Firstly, an experiment by scientist Masaru Emoto in 1990 on energy and vibration, to find out the effect words have on energy. As our bodies consist mainly of water, he wanted to show how negative words can affect our health. Emoto explains that water that’s free from impurities, when frozen, will form beautiful ice crystals and look like snowflakes under a microscope. Water that is polluted, however, will freeze without forming crystals. He found that the same would happen with water when he poured it into vials and labelled them with negative words. After 24 hours the water was frozen but not crystallized in pretty shapes – instead under the microscope the shape looked incomplete like impure water. On the other hand when he wrote positive words on the labels, like “peace”, “thank you” and “love”, the water produced perfect hexagonal crystals. You can see the results and shapes in the bestselling book The Hidden Messages in Water by Masaru Emoto.

  Secondly, in May 2018, Ikea carried out an interesting experiment at a school in the United Arab Emirates for Anti-Bullying Day to show kids how damaging negative comments can be. They gave two plants the same amount of water, light and nutrition but then asked students to feed comments to the plants via a recording device. One plant would be fed only bullying negative words and the other one only compliments. By the end of the experiment the plant that had only been given compliments was thriving, while the plant that had been bullied was droopy and wilted.

  There is definitely something to consider here. Why would we choose to speak to ourselves in such a negative way when it has such adverse effects? Having read so much about similar scenarios has made me become super-vigilant of the thoughts I choose to think and the words I choose to speak. I urge all of my clients to be so too, if they want to align themselves with a vibration of joy, love and happiness.

  YOUR TOOLBOX: WHAT NEGATIVE STORIES HAVE YOU CREATED?

  Look at the questions overleaf. You might want to write the answers now or reflect on them for a couple of days. Notice what stories come to the surface. As you write them down, start to become open to rethinking and rewriting them if they are not serving you in the best way. Consider the relationship situation on your mind whilst observing your answers.

  • What story are you telling others about yourself?

  • What story are you telling yourself?

  • What story are you telling others about your relationship situation or any other issues you may be facing?

  Notice whether the story is positive or negative. Become aware of how the stories are aligned or not aligned with what you really want. Examples might be, “It always ends up like this for me”, “It’s not my fault”, “I never seem to be able to communicate in the right way”, “I’m useless at relationships”, and so on. If your stories are positive already, carry on to the next exercise.

  A great way to start is to become aware of words and phrases that have a negative vibe, which may be keeping you stuck or limiting your healing process, such as:

  • Never

  • Not possible

  • Always like that

  • Same thing every time

  • I always end up in this situation

  • Won’t happen for me

  • Maybe I don’t deserve it

  • I’ll never have that

  • I’m misunderstood

  • Nothing I do
is ever good enough

  Start to introduce words into your story that are showing you there is hope and possibility of change, such as:

  • I hope to

  • I would like to

  • I’m excited to try a different way

  • I embrace change

  • I believe people change

  • I trust things will work out for me

  • I have learnt a lot

  • It wasn’t personal

  And then ultimately change the stories and incorporate positive-led words that show you completely believe that change or healing is happening, with statements such as:

  • I believe it’s possible

  • Change is happening

  • I am noticing I’m doing things differently

  • I’m looking forward to what’s next

  • It’s easy for me

  • Things always work out for me

  YOUR TOOLBOX: HELLO BEAUTIFUL!

  This will give you a taster of mirror work to help prepare you for the mirror exercises later on in the book. I’m aware that doing this exercise may feel a little uncomfortable or even confrontational at first and that’s okay. Approach it with an open heart and mind and be reassured that although it may feel silly at first, you will get used to it – just allow yourself to be playful.

  Stand in front of the mirror and without judgement notice the words that flood through your mind as you stand there looking at yourself.

  Please write them down in your journal.

  Are the words kind? If so that’s awesome.

  Are the words not so kind? If so, that’s okay too, that’s why we are doing this, to help you become aware of what you are putting out there about yourself, so you can start to create a more kind and positive way of thinking and talking about yourself.

  Think for a moment about how you talk about someone you love and appreciate? Imagine being able to speak about yourself like that straight into the mirror. For now we will leave it here having raised your awareness. We will revisit this later in the self-love chapter where we are going to do some serious loving on ourselves (see pages 122–4).

  And, by the way, when I was a dancer I spent a lot of time standing in front of the mirror criticizing my moves, and my arms for being too long and lanky flouncing about in the wrong direction and not toned enough, and my legs for not being strong enough, and that I had no shape and that I was as flat-chested as an ironing board, so trust me, I know all about negative self-talk! Still, on a bad day, I’ll point out a wrinkle I haven’t seen before and think, “I’m getting old.” Oh yes, we are all wired to think negative thoughts more easily than positive ones, but we can train ourselves (see page 116) to catch ourselves in the act and quickly reframe them in a way that supports us better.

  A change of perspective

  Taking inspiration from the NLP (see page 8) tool “Perception is projection” I will help you look at your situation from a different perspective. Really notice what you are projecting and what is reflected back at you. Through the exercises you will start to become more and more aware of what is in your control to change and how when making these changes within, it can improve the situation that was causing an issue.

  YOUR TOOLBOX: WHAT ARE YOU PROJECTING?

  In the relationship inventory on page 21 you worked out the current relationship or situation you are working on. With that in mind, write down answers to the following questions:

  What is the relationship or situation reflecting back at you and why is it bothering you?

  Then ask yourself:

  What am I projecting onto this relationship?

  Examples could be it triggers anger, controlling behaviour or sadness. When you think about it more deeply, you may notice that you have been projecting frustration, jealousy or tiredness. It’s important you use the words that are right for you here.

  Don’t judge the thoughts that arise. The first thought that pops into your mind is usually helpful, or you might need to think about it for a couple of days or sit with it in meditation (see page 9). Once you realize what the situation is highlighting to you, you will be able to start to consider what you can take responsibility for and the lessons you can learn, heal and evolve from.

  YOUR TOOLBOX: ILLUSION OR TRUTH?

  We often build up a situation in our heads to be far worse than it is, going over it countless times, when we could simply stop it escalating out of hand by asking ourselves a few quick questions. Use your journal to write the answers and reflect on them.

  1. Is it personal?

  It may feel like it’s personal, but is it really?

  How will it serve me positively to believe it’s not personal?

  2. What are my thoughts about this situation?

  For example, your own behaviour, how you react, how you carry on or not.

  3. What is my belief about this situation?

  For example, I don’t agree with this person’s behaviour and actions. It can be solved etc.

  4. Is the other person acting from a place of malice or are they unaware of their own behaviour?

  This is important because ignorance is very different to malice, and being ignorant and unaware can be understood, even forgiven, if it is not necessarily aligned with your beliefs.

  5. What is my belief about this relationship?

  For example, we have nothing in common, we misunderstand each other, there is mutual respect and so on.

  Asking this last question, “What is my belief about this relationship?” is a big one. Your answer will give a lot away about the place you are acting and responding from. Let’s say your belief is “It won’t last”, “I don’t deserve him/her”, “I’m not really qualified enough and I’m going to be found out”, “I don’t like him/her”.

  These are all negative beliefs and the words have a low vibration (see box, page 36). Indirectly you are putting out negativity about that situation or person. Even if it’s subconsciously, it can be felt on an energetic level by the other person. We will dive into the role values and beliefs play in any relationship on page 49.

  It’s not personal!

  By becoming self-aware, we better understand our reaction to people and situations, and this can help us to not take things so personally. One of my clients was upset and frustrated by her boss, who would shout and blame other people when things went wrong. I explained that her boss was probably unaware of her behaviour and how it impacted on people and that to behave that way she was clearly in pain and turmoil within. My client felt singled out, but I told her to consider that it wasn’t personal. I explained that her boss would probably behave and speak like that to anyone, which helped to ease her stress. Rather than trying to change her boss’s behaviour – something that would be impossible to do unless she realized herself that she had an issue – her job was to figure out what it was triggering in her, in much the same way I had with my difficult estate agent boss (see pages 26–8). When you remove the emotional charge behind how you are feeling, you can start to deal with the situation in a more rational manner with less emotion. I realize, by the way, that arriving at a place where you can allow yourself to observe a situation for what it is and not take it personally takes work – a lot of work even – and you might even decide to not bother, but that will bring its own issues in the long term, like the behavioural pattern repeating itself in a different relationship.

  The two ways my client could behave were worlds apart. Imagine how she would behave and feel if she took it personally compared to if she didn’t. When you don’t take a situation like that personally, unless of course it’s actually bullying or worse, and you take it to the HR department, you will act from a place of calmness, strength and dignity and a response from this place will be more effective than one based on feeling hurt and having a bruised ego. If a pattern like this repeats in your life, however, it is time to look at why that is happening and work on what you can change within your behaviour – what learnings there are to help you move
on. It’s worth acknowledging, though, that these kinds of challenging relationships often are the greatest teachers. And, of course, once you have learnt from them you might move on or find that the person who challenged you moves on. I see this all the time with my clients – things naturally evolve once we have learnt what we needed to from a person or situation.

  Resisting change

  Resistance can be a huge roadblock and stop you from truly blossoming, if you aren’t aware of it. When I start working with a client, they always ask me how long I think it will take for them to change a pattern, behaviour or habit. I tell them that it depends on their willingness to make the changes, starting with taking responsibility for what is in their power to change and how much resistance there is, if any.

  You have to work through resistance before you can tackle the actual issue, but how do you recognize that you have resistance? Well sometimes it can be a reluctant feeling, a worry or fear of what lies ahead of the changes, uncertainty of how to navigate through it. Sometimes you might be unaware of what is lingering in your subconscious, literally believing that everything that is happening is happening to you and not for you, being comfortable playing the victim and feeling sorry for yourself and blaming everyone else for your problems just so you don’t have to do the work. Yes, sometimes others are to blame, but, remember, we cannot change other people’s actions, only our own and, with practice, we can definitely control how we react to things. You can choose to feel sorry for yourself and let the things that happened define you or you can rise from the darkest of situations like many people who have gone before you. Nobody said, by the way, that making changes, evolving and becoming your best most awesome self was going to happen overnight or be a walk in the park but it’s your life, your journey and wouldn’t it be a shame not to know what loving yourself fully feels and looks like and what it means to blossom fully into your awesome self? I would say it would probably be the most important emotional investment you will ever make.