The Forbidden

by Beverly Lewis

  Caleb counted his possessions, glad at least to own a good, spirited driving horse and the courting carriage his father had given him back when he’d turned sixteen. He had gathered his few personal belongings and carried them into the Dawdi Haus where he and Nellie Mae had spent their blissful, forbidden hours. Banished by his father, he would live there, laboring for his maternal grandfather.

  Daed planned to drop by at the end of the week, to talk man to man. His father seemed certain Caleb would come to his senses by then, as he put it. Yet as long as it meant giving up Nellie Mae, Caleb was unwilling to relent.

  Eyeing the little house she had liked so much, he began to unpack. He could kick himself for the mess he’d made.

  He did respect and love Nellie Mae, even though both his Daed and his Dawdi doubted it. A few kisses were nothing to be embarrassed about, were they? He hadn’t thought so until he’d seen in Nellie’s eyes the weight of guilt she carried.

  Given enough time, he would make it all up to her, just as he promised. For now, though, he must work off his debt of sin here, knowing that when he’d saved up enough money, he could make his next move.

  The strange encounter with Christian Yoder stood out in Nellie’s mind as she went about her daily routine, baking enough pastries to supply the increasing demand. Although the ad had disappeared, a host of customers were still coming, especially since the weather was more promising. Any leisure moments were spent reading the Bible Nan had offered to her weeks earlier. Nellie also found herself rereading the final sections of Suzy’s diary.

  While she knew better than to reveal the picture of Suzy to anyone else, the gold bracelet could not be kept a secret. She’d shown it first to Mamma, who had merely looked at it, not making much over it, except for the inscribed verse. Nan, too, cared little about jewelry, though she touched it gently. Nellie was glad to have it, placing it carefully on the dainty blue dish on her dresser—the cherished gift from Suzy so long ago. Each time she walked past, she remembered what Christian had said about the verse being Suzy’s favorite.

  Not by works of righteousness . . .

  Could she rest in God’s love and not continually blame herself for being too affectionate with Caleb? She’d tried for days to assuage her guilt, rationalizing their intimate behavior, but each time she came up short, feeling even more disgraceful. Giving away even a single kiss had been too much.

  Reuben glanced toward the bakery shop, noticing Nellie Mae’s Closed sign hanging on the door. For some odd reason, no one had bothered to get the mail earlier, so he lumbered through the snow, the scent of woodsmoke in the afternoon air.

  Out on the road, he opened the mailbox, spotting a single envelope inside addressed to him.

  The name and address of the sender was nowhere to be seen. Well, what the world?

  Tearing open the envelope, he began to read.

  Dear Mr. Fisher,

  My name is Zachary Yoder, and I’ve waited too long to send this. I’m writing to ask your forgiveness.

  I know you only through your daughter Suzy. We dated for a short time late last spring, and I was with her when she drowned. She wasn’t wearing a life jacket, and I bear the blame for that.

  I hope it helps to know Suzy was happy that day.She loved you and talked so fondly of her family. I don’t know how you might feel about this, but she was a new Christian, having just found a relationship with her Savior, Jesus Christ. I hope this news brings you some comfort.

  Every morning I pray for you and for your family.

  I will miss Suzy for the rest of my life.

  Most sincerely,

  Zachary Yoder

  Tears sprang to Reuben’s eyes as he stared in wonder at the short letter. So this Zachary fellow was a believer, too, just like their Suzy. . . .

  He folded the letter, somewhat curious about the young man who’d written it. Thoughtful as the gesture was, he decided then and there not to share this note of apology with Betsy, fearing it might stir up her grief.

  Sunday morning, Nellie was the first one ready after Dat, who’d gone out to hitch the carriage to their best driving horse. At church, when Preacher Manny quoted the verse etched on Suzy’s bracelet as his sermon text, she let out an involuntary gasp. All during the preaching, she felt a familiar tug, wanting to bow her head in prayer. She recalled having felt the same way the first time she’d attended here. Oh, the strong urge to confess each and every one of her sins!

  She listened intently as Preacher Manny went on to speak out against “worldly things” before the final prayer. “There are some who would push the limits. Such things may have their place, but not here.” She assumed he was attempting to separate the chaff from the wheat, those who fancied the modern from those who desired only the Gospel, as he’d mentioned in today’s message to the People.

  Folk were eager to discuss the sermon during the common meal—the usual old church menu of bread, butter, jelly, cheese, red beet eggs, pickles, coffee, and many pies. Nellie found some things to be comfortingly similar.

  By the time they returned home, Nellie was even more tender toward the Lord and the words she’d heard this day. It was impossible now to ignore what she knew to be true.

  Without telling Mamma where she was heading, Nellie hurried to the barn, where she slipped inside her father’s woodworking shop and closed the door. It was a well-isolated spot on the Lord’s Day, and she briefly wondered about the Nazareth shop where Jesus had worked as a carpenter.

  Standing near the table saw, she gazed out through the windows to the sky. It wouldn’t be too many more weeks before she would help Mamma and Nan clean out their corners, from the attic all the way down to the cold cellar, with its many shelves for hundreds of canned goods and jams. Dat, for his part, would rake out the lawns and plow and cultivate the fields, preparing for another season of growth . . . and harvest. Spring would soon bring new life for all the People of Honey Brook.

  Sighing now, she thought how quickly the grace period had come and gone. Tomorrow the Bann began anew, but that was not her concern. Wholly ready to follow in Suzy’s footsteps, Nellie knelt in the sawdust and released the burden she’d carried inside, as well as her guilt over Caleb. She offered them up to the Lord God, whose will and gift of grace she’d rejected far too long. “O dear Lord,” she began, “will you receive me as I am, with my black heart a-tickin’ ever so hard just now? Please wash me as clean as new snow.” She paused, thinking of Caleb. “Will you also call my beau? May he take your hand, just as I am now. . . .”

  Jehovah God had led her—nearly all of her family, really—to this wondrous place of peace. Feeling spotless and clean, Nellie Mae rose and hurried to the house.

  Before sunset on Sunday, Caleb headed to the Fishers’ home. He steered his horse into the lane with a bit of trepidation, having violated courting custom, coming here to Nellie’s father’s house. When he’d tied up the mare, he walked to the back of the house and knocked soundly on the door.

  As he waited, he considered his plight. So much at stake now . . .

  Moments passed, and he heard the sound of rustling from inside. Then the door opened, and there stood Nellie, wearing her blue for good dress. In the dying sun, she looked radiant, until her eyes met his.

  “Ach, Caleb?” Nellie looked shocked. “What are you doin’ here?”

  He said quietly, “Is there someplace we can talk?”

  Glancing over her shoulder, she hesitated. “Uh, wait here.” Then she disappeared inside.

  His heart was pounding as he waited. She seemed startled to see him, and he sensed her uneasiness. The intimacy of last weekend was exacting a heavy price from both of them.

  To think all of this could have been avoided.

  He looked over at Reuben’s barn and the outbuildings surrounding it. The vast corral stretched out nearly as far as he could see. Surely Reuben’s youngest son, Benjamin, would receive this land one day. Caleb did not begrudge him this blessing.

  He considered yesterday’
s difficult conversation with Daed, and the one he now planned to have with Nellie. He’d rehearsed it repeatedly.

  Wondering why Nellie Mae hadn’t returned to the door, he turned to look in and saw her pulling on her coat and scarf.

  When at last she stepped out, she looked downright pale. “I can’t believe you’ve come here, Caleb. In broad daylight and all.” She was clearly unsettled. “I s’pose we can talk in the bakery shop.”

  He nodded, recalling the first time he’d gone to Nellie’s Simple Sweets last September, bringing her an invitation to ride after the Singing. Their first evening together . . .

  They walked in silence, and then she turned toward him. “I was wonderin’ how to tell you something . . . and now, well, you’re here.” She avoided his gaze.

  “Jah, and I’ve got something to say, too.”

  She glanced back toward the house. “Best wait till we’re inside.” She picked up her pace, and he wondered if she’d told her father he’d come unannounced.

  Once she’d closed the door behind him, they went to sit at a small round table. In the near twilight, she looked as pretty as she had on their first date. “You go first, love,” he said.

  She touched her neck. “I don’t know how to begin.” She paused to look hard at him, the first time she’d truly looked at him tonight. “I’m sure you’ll be surprised at what I have to say.”

  “Go on.”

  “I’m going to join church.”

  He nodded. “ ’Tis a gut thing, jah?”

  Her face paled again, and she closed her eyes for a moment. “I mean the new church, Caleb.”

  New church? He groaned.

  “I gave my heart away today. I can’t begin to describe it, really.” She looked up at him, tears streaming down her lovely face. “I’m saved, Caleb. I’ve never felt anything like this.”

  He shook his head, stunned. “This happened at Preacher Manny’s?”

  “No.”

  Jah, gut. Maybe it wasn’t too late. Maybe he could still talk her back to good sense.

  She pointed toward the barn. “Over there.”

  He was confused. “Over where?”

  Her words formed slowly. “I opened my heart to God’s Son in our woodworking shop.”

  Ach, she’s spoiling everything. Everything! “Oh, Nellie, love . . . you know I’m opposed to this salvation talk. I thought you were, too.”

  “I wish you could know what I know . . . what I’m feelin’.”

  “Manny’s church won’t keep you for long,” he declared.

  “But this isn’t about choosin’ a church. I’m choosin’ a relationship with my Savior, Jesus.”

  “Ach, Nellie Mae—”

  “No, please listen.” She grabbed his arm. “It’s all in God’s Word. We’ve clearly missed it. Don’t you see?”

  Perplexed by her strange exuberance, he removed his black hat and ran both hands through his hair. She was making things difficult, if not impossible. “I want to marry you before the wedding season next fall.”

  She frowned, pursing her lips. “But your father’s land?”

  “I’ve given it up—for you. There’s nothing to keep us from marryin’ now.”

  Her eyes became sad. “Ach, but it’s your birthright, after all.”

  Nodding, he said, “What’s done is done. Daed has no say about us any longer.”

  She seemed to ponder his words, then brightened as she reached across the table for him. “You honestly did that . . . for us?”

  He rose and went to her. “I know I can make you happy.” He pulled her to her feet. “I promised I’d find a way.”

  She raised her eyes to his. “Jah, and I do love ya, but . . .”

  “But what?” His heart nearly stopped. “This strange gospel can’t be what you truly want. Don’t let them take you away from me.”

  She wiped her eyes.

  “They’ve brainwashed you, Nellie.”

  She looked as beautiful and innocent as the day he’d first smiled at her, back last summer at market.

  “You’re as stubborn as I was, Caleb. Remember when I was so embarrassed ’bout my parents’ interest in Preacher Manny’s group? I told you I could never be like that.”

  “And I believed you.”

  “But now . . . now I see things more clearly.” Her expression was earnest. “Won’t you jump the fence with me? Please, won’t you come to Preacher Manny’s church?”

  He shook his head, his heart sinking. “Aw, Nellie, you know I can’t do that. And I’ve got it all worked out—we’ll wed in the springtime and then go to Sugarcreek, Ohio, or wherever you want to live. We’ll run away together.”

  Her mouth trembled. “You see only this life, but it’s as short as a wisp of breath in the cold air. You see it and then it’s gone. Think of Suzy.” Her voice sounded sad.

  He took Nellie’s hand, so small in his. “I know life is short, love—that’s why I want to spend it with you.”

  “What do I have to do to help you see?” Her eyes pierced him. “Suzy died to get my family’s attention on heaven.”

  “Don’t say such a thing.”

  “Truth is, heaven’s got a face, and not just Suzy’s.”

  Releasing her hand, he pulled her into his arms. “You scare me, the way you talk.”

  She clung to him, her cheek wet against his. “You can give up your land for me, but not your heart . . . to the Savior?”

  He was weary of her reckoning his future. What had happened to the girl who was willing to do anything for him? “I’ve given up the land—everything, really—for you, Nellie.”

  “But you can’t just walk away from your land,” she protested. “You’ll come to resent me for it . . . and for refusing to stay in the Old Ways. Won’t you always wonder why I didn’t love you enough to join the old church?” She was sobbing now.

  Even so, he held her near, hoping his precious girl might change her mind—about Preacher Manny’s church . . . and about him.

  Dat and Mamma’s joint decision to leave behind the Old Ways before the Bann was reinstated tomorrow meant their family would be spared the shunning, something for which Nellie Mae was truly grateful. Come fall, she and Nan would join the New Order church on baptism Sunday. As for Rhoda, it was hard to know what she would ultimately decide; she continued in her Rumschpringe, free from any fear of the Bann.

  But the way things were going, Nellie wondered if Rhoda might not leave the Plain community and fully embrace the world. Nellie had such a hankering to see her oldest sister, so she borrowed Dat’s horse and buggy. Daily she would pray for both Rhoda and Caleb. To think she’d let her beloved beau walk out of the bakery shop and out of her life. There was no turning back now, not with him so set against the Savior.

  Rhoda was already in her nightgown and bathrobe when Nellie arrived at James and Martha’s. She seemed happy to see her and took Nellie to her room.

  “I’ve brought you something,” Nellie said as she presented her sister with Suzy’s diary. “I was wrong to keep this to myself. She was your sister, too.” She placed the journal on the bed quilt. “Read it for yourself, if you want. Like a good story, the surprise is at the end, though of course you already know something of that.”

  Rhoda’s face lit up. “Well, I never thought I’d see the likes of this. Denki, sister.”

  “There’s more.” She reached into her pocket. “Close your eyes and hold out your hand.” Nellie placed the gold bracelet in Rhoda’s outstretched palm. “Now open.”

  Rhoda’s eyes sparkled through her glasses. “Ach, what’s this lovely thing?”

  She explained how the brother of Suzy’s boyfriend had bumped into her on the road while trying to locate their family. “You’re the one who loves perty things, jah? It makes the most sense for you to have it.”

  She glanced right then at the dresser mirror adorned with various necklaces, and they laughed in unison. “This is so dear of you, Nellie Mae. Truly it is.” Turning the bracelet over in her hand, R
hoda again murmured her delight. Then she put it on, fastening it into place before eyeing it close up. “Looks to be some etching on it.”

  “Jah. Ever so special, really.”

  Rhoda invited her to visit anytime, and Nellie sensed she was discontented there. “Tell Nan I miss her, won’t ya?”

  Rhoda said, her eyes sad.

  “And all of us miss you, ’specially Nan.” She looked around the room and then shook her head. “I’d be lyin’ if I didn’t say I hope you’ll consider comin’ home . . . real soon.”

  “Well, I can’t let you think that.” Rhoda rose and they walked together past the sunroom and toward the back door, where they stood and looked out at the night sky.

  Rhoda sniffled as Nellie reached to hug her. “Da Herr sei mit du—the Lord be with you, Rhoda.”

  On the ride home, Nellie fought back tears as her thoughts returned to Caleb and their many nighttime drives together. Oh, but she wished she could somehow influence him away from the grip of the ordinance. But that was his choice to make—or not make. If he jumped the fence eventually, he’d have a dear price to pay. Even though he’d said he had given up everything for her, she knew Caleb could never walk away from his family. David Yoder’s hooks were in him but good—just as Caleb supposed Preacher Manny’s were in her.

  The stars on this clear night twinkled and beckoned against the darkness. Nellie Mae remembered all the times she and Suzy had laughed together under the canopy of twilight, imagining whom they’d marry and what their children might look like. The long jaunts through nearby woods . . .

  She hadn’t gone to the woods Suzy had so loved since the winter snows, but she would return. Often she had found a reassuring solace there.

  The horse drew the carriage along, and the stone mill came into view. Her eyes lingered on the wrought-iron bench near the still-frozen stream, the place where she and Caleb had sat enjoying love’s finest hours.

  Please, God, help me not regret letting him go. . . .

  EPILOGUE